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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Horrible argument last night

95 replies

sophkins · 31/10/2017 13:15

I was bathing dc aged 3 and 2 and DP came in shouting and swearing about something. He said the word fuck repeatedly and I asked him to please not swear in front of the children. He told me to get the fuck out of his sight and they were his kids and he'd say what he wanted (he had been drinking.)

Today he refuses to talk about it other than to say I'm ridiculous?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 31/10/2017 15:01

Well then that makes it a whole lot easier.
Do you work?

SandyY2K · 31/10/2017 15:05

They are your stepchildren?

I'd leave if only for a while to teach him a lesson.

If you accept this ... expect more to come in the future.

iBiscuit · 31/10/2017 15:13

Is their mum around? Can you talk to her at all?

Topseyt · 31/10/2017 15:19

They aren't your children. He is their parent, not you. They are his responsibility in the end. Is their mother on the scene at all?

It should make it easier for you to go because you don't have parental responsibility for them (I assume).

So call Women's Aid and get their help and advice to dump him. They help women in similar situations to yours every single day.

Leave HIS children with one or the other of their parents in charge of them and go.

Do the children live full time with you, or shared between your DP and his ex(es)? If the latter then it should be easy enough to get out while they are not there.

Whinesalot · 31/10/2017 15:20

No matter how drunk he was my Dh would never in a million years tell me "to get the fuck out of my way". If he did that would be one boundary that he would never get a chance to cross again.

I suspect that if he can talk to you like that then this is just the tip of the iceberg, should we delve deeper.

It is easier to leave now when the baby is tiny than further along when the child lives with his dad and will miss the dysfunctional life they have together. Think carefully what your life could be like in 5/10/20 years. Can you really do it?

LuxuryWoman2017 · 31/10/2017 15:30

And why the fuck was he drunk anyway? Leaving you to look after his kids? He wants it all ways eh?

Original poster
sophkins · 31/10/2017 15:42

They aren't my children but I still love them.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 31/10/2017 15:45

How long have you been with this guy? Did you live independently before you met him?

MorrisZapp · 31/10/2017 15:46

If he has a two year old then you haven't been with him long.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 31/10/2017 15:48

Stay then but if you do what you always do you get what you always get.
He drinks you bath the kids then he throws his weight around.
Your life, your choice.

Lweji · 31/10/2017 15:51

Why were you bathing "his kids" and he had been drinking?

I'm sorry, but it's not looking good for when you have your baby. Sad

Can you make it a condition of staying that you talk about what happened? And then decide based on what he says?

It won't get better, unless he owns up to it and wants to make a real effort to avoid a repeat. Even so, I wouldn't be too hopeful.

Original poster
sophkins · 31/10/2017 16:02

I don't have anywhere to go. I quit my job when I found out I was pregnant. I do most of the house stuff and kid stuff. We've been together 18 months.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 31/10/2017 16:09

Why did you quit your job? Have you moved in to his home? Do his kids spend any time with their mother?

Original poster
sophkins · 31/10/2017 16:14

I kept being sick and the early starts and late finishes were no good. I live with him yes.

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 31/10/2017 16:15

Why on earth did you quit your job? You do most of the kids stuff? Where is their mum? Where did you live before?

You are giving very short answers and drawing this out, more to the story?

Whinesalot · 31/10/2017 16:15

How respectful is he normally?

Lweji · 31/10/2017 16:16

Do you have any family? Can you ask your local council for a place to stay?

He knows you depend on him, which is why he is treating you this way.

Thethrillofit · 31/10/2017 16:18

Do the children live with you/him?

Original poster
sophkins · 31/10/2017 16:20

I don't know what to say ... I don't have any family I can go to. Not sure what to do or if I want to go.

The children stay every other weekend and two nights in the week when it's not their weekend if that makes sense.

OP posts:
KarateKitten · 31/10/2017 16:25

Your responsibility is to your baby. Your responsibility to your step kids ends with alerting their mum to the fact that they are witnessing domestic abuse.

I know it's hard, so hard, but you need to make plans. The alternative is a horrible future for you and your child. You can't be the kind of mum you want to be while living with a man like that.

The other two children have their mum to advocate for them. Whether you care for them or not your responsibility is to yourself and your baby.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 31/10/2017 16:25

What did you want from this thread? Just to vent? That is fine, but if it's advice you want then I'll give it, you have walked into a very precarious situation, reliant on a man,, pregnant and he has very young children, one was just a baby when you met - foolish of you.

He was horribly aggressive to you his pregnant partner in front of his non-resident children who you were caring for. I wouldn't stay. Why did his previous relationship end?

MorrisZapp · 31/10/2017 16:25

Where did you live before you moved in with him?

beesandknees · 31/10/2017 16:26

So you are jobless, living in his house, doing his housework, unmarried, taking care of his children, pregnant.

And now he is screaming abuse at you, in front of kids no less, and you are not sure if you want to go

Hopefully you come to your senses for the sake of yourself and your unborn child and phone Women's Aid, because what you describe is literally a textbook case of how domestic violence typically escalates.

If you're not going to look for ways to leave this situation, you can expect your life to become a living hell shortly. Also your unborn baby's life will be miserable.

It's your choice, just remember that your choice impacts your baby, for life. You are the only one in this situation who can make or break that baby's life. Choose very wisely.

Original poster
sophkins · 31/10/2017 16:39

I had a room in a house share. It was horrible to be honest.

OP posts:
EleanorXx · 31/10/2017 16:42

Flowers Please get help. He sounds awful.