Horrible argument last night

[sophkins]

I was bathing dc aged 3 and 2 and DP came in shouting and swearing about something. He said the word fuck repeatedly and I asked him to please not swear in front of the children. He told me to get the fuck out of his sight and they were his kids and he'd say what he wanted (he had been drinking.)

Today he refuses to talk about it other than to say I'm ridiculous?

You need to tell the children’s mother;

A. He is leaving you to care for them and instead choosing to go drinking rather than spend time with them.

B. He is abusing you and they are now witnessing it.

Then you need to leave the two of them to sort out what happens re the existing kids.

With reference to you, you will find it much much harder to leave once the baby is here. He will also likely be much worse when your attention is on the baby and not him.

I know you feel stuck and that you have acclimatised to his abuse but please, at the very least, confide in your midwife about what is happening and see what they say about what support you can access.

So, he doesn't drink in front of his mother, presenting a nice side of him to her.
She'll think you have mental problems...

Nothing to add OP but you have my deepest sympathies It’s an impossible situation. I’m not going to tell you to leave him because that’s impractical right now and you obviously love him. My H is a nasty fuck when he’s been drinking (not very often but when he does it’s awful) so I’ve been in your situation when pregnant and no job.

Tomorrow is a new day. Talk it over with him and perhaps encourage him to seek help about his drinking. I’m sure he’s an otherwise nice man when sober?? My H goes to AA and it’s been great for him for the most part and proves he’s serious about changing his behaviour.

His ex has MH problems?
Hmmmmm
I expect if she does they're the legacy of an abusive partner.

You're looking at a future of MH issues for you and the child you're carrying now.

Speak to Women's Aid lovey.

Get out , call women's aid for support if you don't have anyone, they deal with this all the time
go to the council get temporary housing until you've had baby or private rent again. Don't tell him where you've gone and then contact his ex tell her you're worried about the kids.
Just get on to autopilot now, deal with the practical stuff and everything will come together.

hamburgers

Read the OP. Yesterday was the new day. He said the OP was being ridiculous.

How do you move from there?

How do you make him go to AA?

You can't just go to the council coz your oh shouted when the kids were in the bath. I'm really sorry as I know your trying to help but this isn't helpful.

Call Women's Aid as soon as you can. His shouting isn't just shouting, it's abusive behaviour, and there should be help for you to escape it. That's not what you want your baby to face when it arrives.

I hope you're ok.

You can go if you don't have a job and can't continue living with him.

I don't think it really works like that or does it? I'm not on any benefits

He will be legally obliged to support his child. You have only lived with him for a short time, you can get your old life back easily. If you actually want to that is, you don't sound sure at all.

Why did you start the thread?

I don't even know. It doesn't matter.

He will get worse when the baby is born. It isn’t ok to speak to you like that.
Do you have any real life support?

It clearly does matter.
What did Womens Aid say when you spoke to them?
They can help validate how you are feeling and confirm to you that this vile man is abusive.

He Ex has mental health issues???
Really???
If so, then I wonder why!?
He probably did that to her.
Do you want to go the same way?
Or it could be she doesn't have MH issues at all.
All abusers claim their Ex's are 'crazy'!!

You started the thread for good reason. MN can sometimes think posters ought to take their advice forthwith..

He does sound abusive I'm afraid, and that his abuse is escalating. You probably posted bcs you know in your heart something is wrong.

If you talk to women's aid they can give you advice and support. They won't be suspicious of why you've contacted them - you are vulnerable bcs you are pg and you have sensed your partner is a worry. You are smart to know this.

It's hard to leave the little ones - can you arrange with the mother to see them independently? Make clear to Women's Aid your concerns about their dad.

OP, I'm glad you started the thread. Tough and all as the responses have been to stomach. You took some action at least. Now maybe you need time but please be warned that it will only get harder to leave and his behaviour will only get worse. And it will be harder still when your own babies first few words are to tell you to fuck if because they will model your value on what way your partner treats you. I couldn't accept that which is why I personally walked away in a very similar situation to you. It did take me time though and meeting my now very 'D'H to help me realise that my life could be so much better. For the record I was gearing up to leave anyway but that brief meeting with a man who seemed so kind and attractive made me instantly take action.

God, that sounds bad (like I needed a man which is not the case). What I mean is that I met DH at a function, spoke to him for 5 mins and it struck me that there was a world outside of my awful relationship where there were possibilities of happiness and healthy relationships. I didn't know if I'd ever see that guy again but I immediately started packing my bags. I did see that man again and we are now married but even if I hadn't, I was leaving.

@sophkins I’m so sorry that everyone seems to be having a go at you!! Ladies I think everyone needs to chill out a bit, yes there are concerns but shouldn’t our priority be helping this woman and see how she feels rather than tell her how to live her life?

If he’s only like this when he’s drinking, then I’d agree that you should talk to him once he’s sobered up and express your concerns. You’ll only be able to tell from his reaction what the best thing to do is. He might have underlying issues that you aren’t aware of which is why he’s drinking.

Please remember to look after yourself though! Xx

Today he refuses to talk about it other than to say I'm ridiculous?

It’s all in the op. In the cold light of day he won’t talk about it and says the op is ‘ridiculous’...

This is not about him ‘getting nasty when he is drunk’, it is not about him shouting ‘one time’.

If you read the things the op has said this is just the latest episode of verbal abuse, just the latest episode of drinking rather than caring for his children and it is in fact an escalation as he has now verbally abused the op in front of the children (quite dangerous too as they are small and were in the bath) and he is not apologetic the next day, he is angry and dismissive.

I completely understand that the op is not in a place where she feels able to leave nor wants to but it is a pattern of abuse IMO, clearly, and it is not likely to get better when the baby comes, it is likely to get worse. That’s why ppl are strongly urging her to leave.

OP - I think if you can’t leave/can’t face leaving please just confide in your midwife about what is going on.

Brilliant post offred. Clearly the op has limited resources and does not have help, but when pregnant, the midwife is the best starting point to get some advice and support.