Reading husbands text message

[juwayriyyah31]

I come across so many people feeling bad for reading their husbands messages. 'I know I shouldn't hve done it' etc... I thought it was normal to read each other's messages and there's nothing wrong with it. Me and my husband hve free access to each other's phones etc And I find it part of the trust in our relationship . But some people might see it as invading his privacy. What are your opinions ?

I have nothing to hide and I am the most honest and loyal person in the world, but I'd hate anyone touching my phone or computer and reading private conversations and messages. That would feel very violating to me and I'd feel absolutely awful doing that to anyone else. I don;t even read my child's messages or look in his personal things.

In PSHE in schools it is taught that your partner checking your phone is a red flaf for abuse and control.

My OH and I generally treat each others phones as interchangeable. If I need to call my mum and my OH phone was closest that’s the one I’d use. If I want to play a game and mine is dead I would pick his up and use it.

However, I wouldn’t just pick his phone up in order to read his messages, in fact I wouldn’t actually read his messages full stop. Only time I’ve accessed his messages is if I wanted to text someone and my phone was dead etc.

Also the other way round, if he needed to use a phone and he couldn’t get his as it was dead/upstairs he would be able to get mine and use without permission. But I trust him not to go through my messages etc

It's not just about the couple's internal privacy though. Some of my friends share things about their relationships/friendships that, although I'm 100% happy to share with my OH if they're OK with it, I wouldn't want him to read as they are telling ME. We are both completely in agreement on this.

I actually think it's quite disrespectful to treat phones as interchangeable in that respect as even if though a partner doesn't explicitly open messages, the first sentences tend to be visible when a message is first received.

So true Nevth. My friends may confide in me via text and whilst I may talk generally to my partner about things that may be going on I think it’s a betrayal of other people’s confidence for the detail to be read by people the message isn’t intended for, including my partner

Our phones have pin codes so no, we don't. His is used for work and a lot of HR or personal stuff gets relayed to him from his staff and that's their privacy I'd be invading - and I don't have any right to do that! Sometimes I've opened his phone on his request while driving to check something for him.

Having said that, he's been happy to offer his phone for me to check on the spot when a partial message popped up that looked odd. It went something like Sarah: "Excellent! I've managed to book the hotel for us..." and my heart lurched. He saw my face and realised instantly what I must be thinking and so he opened the message thread to show me she had been delegated to organising the work Christmas party venue and she meant function room, not bedroom!!

my partner and I have complete access to each other's phones, but would not even dream of reading each other's messages. It's weird for it to be the "norm", imo. Sure, you have that "trust", but if you really did, would you be reading them?

We can freely access each other's phones and pcs. It just makes sense tbh. It means if a phone is dead you can easily use the other persons. We also sometimes ask the other person to find/read/respond to something for us eg if driving. It also means we can both easily and quickly access any online accounts etc as sometimes they only have one log in eg car insurance, utilities. Using the phone with the app and details saved is much quicker.

Saying that we never read each other's messages. I really don't care what he talks about to his friends and family. Both he and they are entitled to privacy. The only time I'd go into emails or messages would be if explicitly asked to do so by him.

I would never read my partners messages and would find it a huge breach of trust if he read mine.

I have nothing to hide and we both know each other pass codes but it just wouldn't happen.

I have no idea what his Facebook password is and don't really want to.

In PSHE in schools it is taught that your partner checking your phone is a red flaf for abuse and control.

I hope they also teach red flags for cheating too, as that should be just as socially unacceptable. Unfortunately, it doesn't appear to be for a vast proportion of people.
As to reading each other's texts, I don't think it's a massive invasion of privacy. Yes, you might want to keep a friend's personal information private, but I'd find it a bit worrying if dh deliberately tried to keep things from me. Why would a married couple need to keep secrets from each other, unless they were surprises to be revealed later, or dodgy goings on...?

No, it's odd. My DF, for instance, would never go through my mother's phone/email, etc, and when she asked him to bring something from her bag he would bring the whole bag rather than go through it.

Same with my DP. Never check his backpack, emails, phone. I have access to it and he has access to mine (fingerprints) but it just never crossed my mind or felt the need.

I didn't say I read his messages.

You said you thought it was normal to read each others messages, in your op.

Personally, I think every relationship is different. If you and your partner are genuinely comfortable, then it's fine. But don't judge others, which you are doing by asking what's so private. Open access to eachother phones is great for you. It's not for a lot of people

For me, it's like reading my diary. For me there needs to be some privacy in a relationship. But that's because abusive exh used to go through my phone constantly, he also hacked it and monitored everything. If a man can't accept my phones is MY phone and private and doesn't trust me enough to let me have that, he isn't the man for me.

If I was sat havi g a coffee with my friend I would want Dp sat behind me listening in and if he did, I would find it creepy. So I find it creepy, that he would do it on my phone.

On mn though, so many posters come out with 'totally 100% trust my dh, but I was on his phone because my battery died/needed to check something/ took it off the kids (or any other seemingly innocent reason) And found '

Using someone's phone, doesn't mean you should go through messages. You don't accidentally open and then read a long thread of messages. I don't know why these women just don't admit, that they snooped because they don't trust their dh or that they snoop a lot.

I'd find it controlling and a red flag, I have nothing to hide but it's an invasion of privacy and shows a lack of trust.

If I knew my daughter was in a relationship where her partner checked on her phone I'd be worried for her.

I think it’s a huge red flag.

Glad that’s how it’s being positioned in school

We have access to each other's phones and laptops, though he can never remember my pin.

Why would a married couple need to keep secrets from each other, unless they were surprises to be revealed later, or dodgy goings on...?

That doesn't extend to secrets told to your OH by other people that trust him surely?

That doesn't extend to secrets told to your OH by other people that trust him surely?

No, I'd obviously respect the fact if a friend had told him something in confidence and wouldn't demand to know what it was. I'm not talking about reading through every single text on each other's phone every day, but I don't see a bit problem with seeing a text notification come up on the others phone (if you're using it or, in our case, if the phones are on the unit charging together) and letting them know they have a message.
Totally different matter if dp has been up to anything in the past - then I don't think they deserve the privacy, bearing in mind that privacy of texts/calls etc was what allowed them to cheat before. In that case everything should be open for viewing, as a matter of regaining trust. And in that circumstance, dp shouldn't be keeping secrets with someone outside the marriage.
But I'd like to be open and honest in my marriage, and don't see the need to deliberately keep anything secret. Hence not worrying about seeing each other's texts. I'd hope dh would feel the same.

I envy couples who keep their phones open and allow each other to use it. I don't trust anyone. My exH, the quietest of the quietest, texted numerous women and I knew for a year without telling him that I knew, desperately trying to be a perfect wife and save the marriage.

My current boyfriend, I don't check as I am certain I will find something I don't like and he will gaslight me saying 'what's wrong with that!' He is too over friendly with women, I am pretty sure fishing and chatting up, my only consolation that he is unlikely cheating physically.

Don't rock the boat until you are ready to swim. Except from my very young days, I haven't met anyone trustworthy 100%

We have access to each other's phones and know the pins, would use them if we needed etc but I have never sat and gone through his messages. They'd be boring as hell, as would mine.

I’d never give my DH access to my phone. I have nothing to hide from him, but my messages aren’t just about me. My friends message me all sorts of very private things, none of which are any of DH’s business. And vice versa.