Reading husbands text message

[juwayriyyah31]

I come across so many people feeling bad for reading their husbands messages. 'I know I shouldn't hve done it' etc... I thought it was normal to read each other's messages and there's nothing wrong with it. Me and my husband hve free access to each other's phones etc And I find it part of the trust in our relationship . But some people might see it as invading his privacy. What are your opinions ?

We both have access to each others phones. And iPads which have all messages and emails too.
His laptop also is connected to all his accounts which I use daily.
Sometimes when I'm bored I read his messages to see if anyone has told him anything interesting that he has failed to pass on to me. He knows though because I talk to him about it if there is anything noteworthy.
And vice versa. If we are out and his phone battery died and I go to the loo or something he'll be looking at my phone when I get back, probably Facebook or something. I wouldn't think anything of it.
Mostly is just boring stuff though.
I never understood the phone privacy thing what are people keeping on their phones that is so secret?
I guess neither of us are particularly private people.
If he wanted to cheat he probably has ample opportunity regardless of if I can see his messages or not but I trust that he isn't.

I'm divorced but I would never want free access to each other's phones in a marriage. Never even occurred to me to want to look at my exh's phone and I never knew the password. Our marriage didn't end because of cheating, it was due to his lazy parenting.

If my friends or family want to message me about something confidential I wouldn't want somebody being able to look through my phone whenever they want.

I have access to dp's phone and he to mine. But I would hate it if he read my messages. Apart from anything else, I chat to family and friends a lot, and there are some messages on my phone that are not my secrets to share.

My DH knows that going through any of my devices would be a dealbreaker for me, but then I have a strong reaction to it as my abusive exH secretly hacked into all my accounts (i.e. read every single one of my messages every day for over a year at least) and used the information to gaslight me repeatedly. Since then it's something I just couldn't tolerate, and although I know his password and he knows mine I have never been through his messages and as far as I know he hasn't been through mine either.

No, it's not 'normal', and not healthy either.

Reading DH's text messages is a bit like opening envelopes addressed to him.

I just wouldn't do it, unless he wanted me to for some reason.

Not something we hide from each other though.

I find it incredibly weird.

They're your partner not a fused version of you.

Do you read your mum's messages? Your best friends? Why is a partner different?

I think DH knows the passwords to my accounts etc and I know his, but I doubt he'd use them and I certainly can't be arsed.

If someone's going to cheat they'll find a way to do it. I'm not a fan of living in someone's pockets to that degree.

My husband's phone is issued by his work and is locked to me permanently. His work involves a high level of security and I know it is out of bounds. I sometimes mull that he would be very easy for him to have an affair BUT I am not sure I'd be that bothered unless he wanted a divorce.

We have each others' pins so in theory can look at them whenever we want. In practice though, we don't feel the need. DP does frequently ask me to check his incoming messages, usually when his glasses aren't close at hand

I hate this "we have no secrets from each other"stuff. You're a partnership, not a collective!
And as for reading through someone else's messages because you're bored.....get a hobby!

Christ.

If you need something to read when you're bored, try a book.

A phone tends to hold a lot of personal or private information. Not always belonging to the owner of the phone either - messages, emails etc containing other people's business.

If DH went through my phone, I wouldn't forgive it.

Why would any one want to read their partners emails unless they were suspicious of something?

To be honest, I think phone calls are similar.

If I'm having a catch-up phone call with a friend, I don't want anyone listening in, even though the stuff we're talking about is no doubt pretty mundane. I just don't want someone listening in. It makes me feel self-conscious, and as if I can't talk freely.

Likewise, as an example, DH talks to his Mum by phone each week as she lives so far away. Again, he goes into a spare room to sit and chat to her. I would never go and hang out in that room while they're talking. I'd prefer to leave them to catch up freely, even though all they're talking about is neighbour x, SIL's work, and the sheep getting into the front garden again.

It would be rubbish to be with a partner who wasn't like-minded on the matter.

No doubt someone will be along in a minute to tell us that our relationships are shallow and fragile and at serious risk because we don't "share everything".............

@TheDowagerCuntess

Couldn't agree more.

Also, maybe I do actually want to bitch to my Mum about my DP in private. Doesn't mean I don't love him. Just means he forgot to bring me the cauliflower I asked him to fetch the other night and I want to rant to my Mum about how that makes him the most selfish bastard that exists. Then I stop feeling annoyed and can get back to loving him.

I peeked at DH's text messages once out of curiosity. They were so boring! It was all: 'Thanks I'll be waiting outside', 'Your Mobile bill is now available online' and 'This is your single use authorisation code...'. The majority of mine are pretty similar. Neither of us use texting much to communicate, and if we do it's all about practical arrangements rather than long winded conversations. Generally we never use each other's phones, and we usually keep our own phone with us so I don't really have access it (and his new phone uses a fingerprint lock so I can't get into it) but it doesn't bother me and I've lost all curiosity for it. I wouldn't want him to look through my phone but more because I might have slightly embarrassing stuff on there, but there's nothing he would be upset or offended by.

My opinion, part of keeping health in a relationship is also maintaining some privacy.

My exdh would have been absolutely furious with me if he'd ever found out I'd discussed our relationship with a friend or even expressed the slightest dissatisfaction in him, or the marriage, or anything really.

As a result I just never said a word to friends about what was going on in the marriage. Never texted a friend when I was down, etc. because I assumed he'd see it and do his nut.

And as a result I became isolated and vulnerable to his controlling tendencies, suspicions and delusions. And eventually the relationship fell apart completely.

I think in really healthy relationships, there is plenty of room to do the wrong thing (e.g., you have lots of privacy)... and yet... you both do right by each other even when the other isn't looking and would never know.

Looking over each other's shoulders all the time? Going through each others phones as a matter of course? That's not health. That's a band aid on a relationship that's apparently built on the assumption that you'll only be good to each other when you're under surveillance.

Not my cup of tea tbh

I trusted my dh until I saw a text message pop up off the ow accidentally btw. I would not hesitate to check dh phone as has lied before and probably will again. I will never trust anyone again.

Me and the husband have full access to each other’s phones and whatnot but I don’t read his texts because I’m not a nosy cunt. Like I wouldn’t open his mail unless he asked.

He has access to my phone but I would think quite low of him if he started reading my texts just because.

I always had a very strong privacy policy and never looked , until I suddenly had reason to do so and then I wished I had paid attention and not been quite so trusting. What I will say is if you are the kind of person who wouldn’t want to ‘know’ anything you wouldn’t approve of, don’t look at all, because once you have lost trust it’s quite hard to get it back, regardless of how they behave thereon or if it was a one off etc and you will find yourself having the ‘urge’ to check

We don't read each other's messages unless we ask - basic respect of privacy. I trust my Mum and don't need to read her messages.

Sometimes we might say can I have a little look at that funny text conversation you were talking about and the other says yeah no problem.

Same with e-mail, Facebook etc. It's the modern version of a diary and not fair to scroll through that.

When someone suspects cheating I think yes it's wrong they check the phone but often the other person has shown behaciour a lot more wrong than that (cheating at worst but sometimes just being cold or manipulative which is sometimes worse than cheating).

I think whatever works for you as a couple though. I like to be able to tell a silly anecdote or discuss present buying without DH reading. I'm not at all interested in what he talks to others about unless he laughs out loud in which case I ask what's so funny.

Oh and yes like pp's have said I'm the agony aunt to a lot of friends so by reading my messages he would be snooping their private information.

@Asherah she's walking all over you there. You can't sleep with other women but she has the right to sleep with other men?

She has to have access to your phone and you can't go on any of her devices.

She is not a very nice person and I don't like to say that about a complete stranger.

If she dislikes you being sad perhaps she should respect you and not act so immature.

Put a pin on your phone and don't give it to her. Talk to any ladies you like. She asks for it say that it has to be equal.

I actually feel sad on your behalf.