Do I have to give a reason?

[Sparrowlegs248]

Or should I? I need to tell H once and for all, again, that our marriage is over. He can be controlling, very argumentactive, EA, gaslight etc. I've told him so many times, he argues, Tells me I'm wrong, won't leave, carries on as normal except being nice for a bit .

I need a clear "this us not working, I'm ending it" conversation. He's going to ask me why . Is because I'm not happy enough? It's not though as he told me that it wasn't because of him last time .

How do I not get drawn in?

Speak to a lawyer and start getting the paperwork sorted out. Move out if that's on the cards. Repeat "I've made my decision" whatever he says.

I’d say it’s fairer to give someone a reason for ending a relationship so that they can process things (MN is full of threads where people are desperately asking strangers for reasons to explain why their OH left them), but do you NEED to give a reason? No. “I’m leaving you” is really all they are entitled to.

He knows, I've told him so many times in so many ways. I left him a letter. He sent a series of texts arguing each point and lying about past events . I just mean on this final occasion. In my mind we split up the first time I told him (february) but he won't accept it

Oh well then you’re definitely done then. Don’t engage with nonsense attempts to control you.

I don't love you and I don't want to be with you.

Reason: "I can't stand the sight of you and I don't want to be married to you any more".

He can't argue with that.

You need to keep it about you and your feelings so he can't say anything to rectify it.
I don't love you - in fact I don't even like you.
I'm a different person and I know I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm divorcing you.

As another PP says, start to get the paperwork for divorce underway.
He cannot stop you divorcing him.
He can make it more difficult but he cannot stop you.

Do you have children?

Go to a lawyer. File for divorce.
Get your paper work sorted, start thinking about living accommodations etc.

Tell everyone. I bet it’s still “private” isn’t it?

Yes 2, very young.

A few close people know buthat I've found it hard as he's in such denial.

You need to have the conversation
Assuming he has PR sort out how you both intend to care for kids
Assuming you have job how you’ll both sort out child care
Whose staying whose going
If joint owned property if you can afford 2 properties whilst keeping first or how it will be sold and divided you both have right to live and a life style
How you both are going to manage it for the kids
How you both are going to finance this
Don’t assume anything he may decide to go part time to look after kids etc
Take a deep breath and get support
Speak to a lawyer
Separating parties may end up coresiding for some time work out how your going to deal with this
Sorry no easy solutions you can’t just leave if they are both your kids rash actions may be reciprocated

You've given your reasons. Of he says anything ... simply say... it's obvious we disagree, hence I'm ending it.

You'll be there forever if you are waiting for him to agree with you.

The living situation is something else though. If you jointly own the home he may refuse to leave and is legally entitled to stay.

You don't need his permission or his co-operation to dump his sorry arse. He doesn't get a say: he's dumped. Remember, everyone has the right to end a relationship that's making them unhappy or just not working for them.
With an abusive man, just get everything in place and either leave or tell him to leave: if he's likely to get violent, have a friend or relative with you when you tell him (or the police, if he's dangerous.)

Good luck. Life is so much better on the other side.

Just say you aren’t happy and there’s not enough hope there to make you want to continue to try.

Say that you are unhappy and you don't believe anymore that he can change in a way to make you happily married to him any longer, so it's time to move on and find happiness again separately.

Take away his control. Speak to a solicitor and start the ball rolling. Start making plans. Secure your finances. My ex husband was like this and he cleared all put accounts as it was'his' money.

You don't need his permission or his co-operation to dump his sorry arse

This^.

I would also agree about seeing a solicitor. They will help you with the process. Once the legal process is clearer to you I am sure you will most likely find it easier to process practically and with your own motivation.

I think the worst thing to do is to give a reason as they never accept it and then you have to give more reasons and it results in more anger etc.

I just said it wasn't working, i wasn't happy and didn't love him any more. I guess they're reasons but they were things he couldn't fight me on as they were my feelings and he couldn't change them.

Good luck

I said " I'm not happy, I don't want to continue to be unhappy and I don't love you anymore".

H seems to be finally understanding I'm serious as I've been to view a house today due to his refusal to leave.

I just keep repeating I'm not happy and I have made my decision whilst trying not to get into an argument

Given that this has been going on since February, if you can afford it then I think you should move out even though the usual advice would be to stay in the house.
He sounds awful op

Thanks all. I'm on maternity leave , work very up the the air. It all seems insurmountable which I suppose is why he's been able to just carry on, as I have struggled to make any real moves towards a proper separation. No money, joint mortgage. I'd move out tomorrow if I had the money to rent somewhere, I'm looking as think my parents will help.

The suggestions as to what to say are really helpful , thank you .

I'll speak to a solicitor. I've been gearing up to this conversation but think solicitor is a good idea first.

If he asks why, say “because you’re a prick”

Ad infinitum

You say he can be emotionally abusive and controlling.

Men who behave like this can ramp things up when they realise they are losing control.

Depending on the situation it may be best not to tell him. Have you spoken to women's aid at all? They helped me realise my situation was far more dangerous than I realised and advised me not to tell him.

Not trying to scare you, only you know your situation but maybe give them a call and get some advice.

I don't think it will ramp up but then he behaved in a way id never have thought him capable of back in February, on several occasions, and has not been at all apologetic, and has shifted the blame to me for it . But I am aware, thank you. I think he knows he's losing/lost control now though.

"This relationship does not make me happy."

"It isn't working for me."

"I don't love you any more."

"It's me, not you."

Refuse to be cross-examined. He is not entitled to a list of specific things you are not happy about. In any case that's not how feelings work. "It is not one specific thing. I'm just not happy. This relationship isn't right for me."

Given your history, I would only be having such conversations after he receives the divorce petition.