Do I have to give a reason?

[Sparrowlegs248]

Or should I? I need to tell H once and for all, again, that our marriage is over. He can be controlling, very argumentactive, EA, gaslight etc. I've told him so many times, he argues, Tells me I'm wrong, won't leave, carries on as normal except being nice for a bit .

I need a clear "this us not working, I'm ending it" conversation. He's going to ask me why . Is because I'm not happy enough? It's not though as he told me that it wasn't because of him last time .

How do I not get drawn in?

We separated nearly five years ago; he still doesn’t get it, he still tries to draw me in, still lies, still chucks occasional grenades to cause chaos, trying to get divorced is an on-going process... I still think if I just explain a little bit better or more clearly or whatever, then he will understand- but you know what, he is a clever man, he has had years of me trying to explain - so I have stopped.

I guess your husband has heard it all from you already, and nothing has changed, so there are no magic words that will make him hear it differently.

Get the job and finances sorted, make sure you have a good lawyer and expect things to escalate when you leave. He does not expect you mean what you say, probably.

I'm in a very similar situation.

I no longer want to be married to my husband, but it doesn't seem to be going in.

So. Update. Things have been pretty dire. He is on best behaviour despite me having totally checked out . But last night it slipped and he reached very badly to a complete non event (my first back at work, a kit day) I was home later than he thought I should have been. I took the opportunity and told him. This is it I want a divorce, house on market. Finished . I did get sacked into a lengthy to and fro of the why's and wherefores. But it's done.

Well done for telling him Notta .

You seem to be committed to this course now and I'm sure it will keep you focussed.

No advice - you've had lots on this thread about preparing to move forward - just a fist pump in the air for you

You don't need to give a reason and you don't need his permission.
I went through this over and over again.
He would argue, shout, flight, sometimes he was even nice.. I got drawn back in every time, nothing changed.
I even managed to get him out of the house once, he came back.
He just wouldn't go, stop texting, came to my work, text my family when I changed my number. It was he'll, but it was never his fault. If he was willing to accept that he is an abuser then you wouldn't be in this situation.
Don't give him a reason, so not get drawn into the conversation no matter what he says or does. Just a 'this isn't working, this is over, I am divorcing you'll suffice in this scenario.
A word of warning be prepared for levels of abuse that are worse than ever before. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it will happen, I would put as many plans in place as possible before telling him. Not to be sneaky but to protect yourself.
When i told my ex I was done and he realised his manipulation, verbal and mental abuse no longer affected me he flipped.
It took a two hour vicious assault a court case and a restraining order to finally get him out of my life, dont make the same mistake I did and be as prepared as possible. Good luck hun.

Thanks pumpkin

He's still not accepting it but I feel that I've done what I can. No beating around the bush .

Just tell him quite categorically that you do not love him anymore and cannot visualise a future together and that you will be starting divorce proceedings shorty, and then do it.
Men aren't interested in talking they only sit up when you do something - so do it.

My x was like this. He made me feel that the onus was on me to 'prove' that I had the right to judge him. Every time I told him it was over I ended up defending myself, as though he was a cross examining barrister.

I think you have to think to yourself, what do I do next, I mean, supposing he agreed with you, what would you do next? Just do that anyway

I eventually had to start asking myself, ok, so what does his not believing I have the right to end this actually change - what power does he have? (and he did have plenty, and I did have to tip toe around him... but he couldn't make me be in a relationship with him.

So true Irritateduser1960. I avoided saying those words as I thought they were too unkind but they can't be argued with.

Going round and round with ''well i don't feel respected when you x, y or z'' They just see it as negotiations still ongoing.

I agree with alittlebitconfused when my x realised I meant business (leaving him) he used the courts to have me ordered back to the UK. Luckily he failed but I was very, very lucky. I know cases where abusers have succeeded in getting court orders to force mothers to return the children (and therefore, themselves) to the 'family' home.

Well done.

I've given your reasons, I understand you don't accept them. We aren't working and my decision is made.

Get your joint finances sorted ASAP.

He seems to have grasped it. Just told me he's looking for some where to rent. I have heard this before but this time he's told his parents