Do I have to give a reason?

[Sparrowlegs248]

Or should I? I need to tell H once and for all, again, that our marriage is over. He can be controlling, very argumentactive, EA, gaslight etc. I've told him so many times, he argues, Tells me I'm wrong, won't leave, carries on as normal except being nice for a bit .

I need a clear "this us not working, I'm ending it" conversation. He's going to ask me why . Is because I'm not happy enough? It's not though as he told me that it wasn't because of him last time .

How do I not get drawn in?

Cooking his dinner. If it were just me and the littlies, I'd either eat with them (before he gets home) or have some thing small like a jacket potato or salad . As it is, I do kids dinner, bedtime, come down and cook ourban dinner while washing up making sandwiches doing a million other things. I've just finished. Didn't get to eat mine as baby woke up and he was too busy watching telly to hurry up and eat. I'm a tad resentful of this but I've done it for so long as few more months won't hurt.

Pudding and rabbit. Thank you. I felt such a failure earlier but I feel you both get it. I feel better now. I'm there. Honestly if he left tomorrow id be so happy. If I was presented with £5000 tomorrow so I could pay rent etc for 6 months, id go. And actually, knowing this makes it a bit easier to stay iyswim . I mean stay and plan.

I've kind of stopped agonising over the decision. It's made. I just need to facilitate it.

You can do it. Six months is nothing really.

16 years. What's another 6 months. 16 bloody years

Original post only said he was controlling but no info how

The torrents of man hate are palpable

His home he doesn’t have to go anywhere

Escalating / danger ?!?!

He appears to want to maintain his family kids and home

What?

I’m in the same situation. Like you I’ve already left in my head and now need to start making some moves. I’ve had some good advice from other MN’ers but have yet to do any of the practical things. It’s the next big step isn’t it?

Just quietly do your own thing, stop organising your time and life around him. Eat with the children, put his dinner on a plate in the microwave.

I’m in the same situation.

Need to sort out dc, but will post more later.

Be strong. You (and I!) CAN do this. As you said, 16 years you’ve been putting up with it so far, what’s another few months? Keep planning.

@PandasRock I’m with you too! Good luck with everything

@PandasRock @Nottalotta
If you look at my post (sorry I don’t know how to link it) you will see some really good advice about the practicalities of leaving. I found it really useful. I have yet to act on the advice given. I will though- as soon as I’m feeling strong enough. It seems like such a lot to sort out but actually seeing someone write it all down for me made me see that it’s not that much. It will be hard work but when I do it I know me and DC are going to be so much better off in so many ways.

Thank you, nice (well you know) to have others in the same situation. How old are your dc?

I'm seeing my parents today, thru have offered to help financially and I need to find details out to what extent they mean.

doodle01: I can assure you I am no man hater, in fact I loved him too much. He completely destroyed me in the last few years, i am a shell of my former self. Nottalotta has posted before about the emotional abuse she has suffered.

I don't know one woman who would take leaving the father of their children lightly. It took me three years to do so and the fall out afterwards was horrendous.

Why did you post that on here? To goad?

NottaLotta, I hope your meeting with your parents was helpful.

I’m stuck here until we sort our finances out. My stbx sounds similar to yours - he just seems intent on carrying on as before.

He is stalling on telling the children (12, 9 and 5, all disabled), mostly because I think he knows once they know he will have to actually do something about being separated.

I have moved to the spare room (thankfully we have one!), and dd2 in particular knows something is up.

He is financially controlling, so I cannot move out with the children as I don’t have access to that kind of money. He hasn’t put and put refused to move out (mostly because I haven’t put that ultimatum to him), but all he says is ‘I don’t know where we’re supposed to go from here’

We have our first mediation session next week, which will be a disaster I should think. He has form for being charm personified in these situations (we’ve had counselling before), agreeing to anything and everything, making me out to be the unstable unreasonable one, and then just carrying on without changing a thing afterwards. Hey ho, what will be will be.

I am not backing down this time.

I didn't get to discuss with the parents, it was a bit busy there .

I honestly don't know how I'll do this. He's come home, toddler is beyobdesigned excited to see him, yet he faffs around, goes in the other room and starts tidying toys up . Takes half an hour twatting about resulting in toddler not eating dinner and me getting more and more pissed off. I don't know how he can ignome them luke that.

Jesus. And now the baby is spreading the toys out again.

I've been seeing a counsellor Panda, initially a wellbeing one then they passed me to relatemail. I've just sent him alone. I don't want to do joint sessions as lie you I just know husband will put on an act. If he agreed to go at all.

Likewise he is just got home.

Dd1 is frantic, as she always is when he gets home (she has learning difficulties, and behavioural issues). He will now take at least 45 minutes to get around to starting the bedtime routine, by which point she will be beside herself and in no way able to calm down. I have lost count of how many hard-won routines he has wrecked over the years, and with all 3 being autistic, routines is what they need.

It is beyond exhausting.

How are things between you panda? I'm getting incredibly pissed off but not saying anything atm. I think I'd lose it if I started.

I avoid as much contact as possible.

He works long hours, and gets in literally in time to start bedtime routine (or, rather, when he is supposed to start it, but obvs he delays it by faffing loads). I leave him to it (I HATE that I have all hit been frozen out of the bedtime routine, but I can’t be there - I won’t condone his way of doing it all as it just nicks up their routines. At least this way when I do bedtime - when he is working late (regularly) - I can just get back to doing it ‘my’ way and the dc accept that as the muck ups are all done by just him, iyswim), and just pop in to say goodnight when he has finally got them into bed. So right now, he is upstairs with them and I am downstairs.

As soon as the dc are in bed, I will go up to my room, so I don’t spend any time with him at all unless the dc are around.

I can’t. We don’t agree on anything, and I have absolutely nothing to say to him that would be in any way constructive.

I eat with the dc (started doing that back in the summer), and mostly get everything I need to sorted in the day while the dc are at school (I can’t work - disabilities and conflicting school runs make that an impossibility, along with the total lack of support from him) so I have no need to be downstairs at all in the evenings. I don’t like being confined to one area of the house, but it’s peeferable to being in the same room as him!

Grr typos.

*all BUT frozen out
*mucks up routines
*preferable

It occurred to me this last week that things have shifted gradually so now, I am doing pretty much everything. The idea was he got dc1 bathed and ready, while I got baby washed and dressed for bed and made bottles. Then we swapped. He gAve baby bottle downstairs while I put dc1 to bed.

But, due to his lateness and faffing, baby is desperate by the time we get started so I get him sorted, make bottles, then pass him to husband who has just about got toddler in the bath. So then I bath toddler get him ready and put to bed while he gives baby a bottle (who goes straight to sleep)

I do have a bit of a fear of doing it on my own but I do every other bloozy thing on my own so shouldn't be too much of a leap.

Eating with the kids is the next thing to crack for me. Then id happily go to bed when they do.

Your mediation panda, is that to try and work things out or is it part of the divorce?

I've got to try and find a way to be nice it'll never work otherwise.

The mediation is part of the divorce. There isn’t anything to try to work out, relationship wise, that’s long dead.

What you describe re: doing it all is the reason I now leave stbx to it when he says he will eg do bedtime. Otherwise he farts around having a whale of a time, winding the dc up, playing ridiculous games which get them excited, while I tag along doing all the shit bits (cleaning up in the bathroom, sorting nappies when they were younger) and he gets all the good bits (tickles and cuddles and bedtime stories) then he fucks off leaving me to ‘settle’ them. No thanks. He wants to get them wound up, he can deal with it all.

I wasn't sure what stage you were at panda. I need to tell him this stuff (about the coming home and faffing etc) but I'm struggling to even talk to him .