Do I have to give a reason?

[Sparrowlegs248]

Or should I? I need to tell H once and for all, again, that our marriage is over. He can be controlling, very argumentactive, EA, gaslight etc. I've told him so many times, he argues, Tells me I'm wrong, won't leave, carries on as normal except being nice for a bit .

I need a clear "this us not working, I'm ending it" conversation. He's going to ask me why . Is because I'm not happy enough? It's not though as he told me that it wasn't because of him last time .

How do I not get drawn in?

Why is it that I need to tell H once and for all, again, that our marriage is over. The telling him in words isn't the important bit, especially if you've said it before and gone back on your word.

Surely you mean that you need once and for all for the marriage to be over. See a solicitor for that.

I haven't gone back on my word at all . I can't make him leave. I can't leave (just yet) . I tell him, and it's like he doesn't believe me . I suppose what I meant is I need him to believe/understand what I saying. He doesn't have to like it but just get that it's real .

I remember your post nottalotta. I was you, I'd left in the summer in my head but couldn't quite do it. Took me until feb to leave. It's been tough but a few things I've learnt.

1. Think about your feelings above his, if you're like me that's not easy.
2. Don't get into reasons you'll want him to admit it and understand. He won't. Don't waste your emotional energy on it.

3.keep it business like.

1. If he values you like he will plead he does he'll give you space and distance and be the better man ( he won't).

Good luck, business like, grey stone. Write it all down but keep it for you, resist the urge to tell him in depth about how you feel. I have moments still but I'm much stronger now and happier.

I was going to come on here and say that if you're ending a serious LTR generally speaking giving your reasons is a mark of respect for the other person.

However, in a situation where the other person is abusive or massively over-entitled, that doesn't apply. Giving your reasons is simply seen by them as starting 'negotiations' (i.e. where you will be bulled into accepting their POV).

Best way to get over a broken relationship with an abusive type is to accept the fact that they will never understand why you think the way you do. If they were capable of that degree of empathy/self-analysis, they wouldn't be abusive in the first place. Forget trying to get them to understand. Just draw a line and move on.

Pudding you are right I feel sorry for him, and worry about hides future on his own. I don't think of me so much. And a big yes to point 2, I can't bI've he was acknowledge the shitNess of our relationship and I'm resentful that I'm going to have to force the issue .

I understand completely where you are coming from. My ex would always be able to talk me around or talk me into thinking I was overreacting. In the end, I had to say I don't love you anymore and then while he kept pleading, I just kept saying No. Hardest thing to do but eventually it worked. He got VERY nasty afterwards, but you have to persevere through it. You will do it when you are ready.

Thanks enough. He's acting all "woe is me" at the moment and being a tiny bit helpful (massive in comparison) . I wish he'd just go. Not going to happen though . Back to rightmove . .......

If he does not have a track record of seeing things from your point of view, he's not going to start with something this big.

Look to your own feelings and anchor your own sense of what's true about this situation. Then take one practical step after another.

It doesn't matter what he thinks, what he feels, or what he wants. You still have every right to leave him. You have, by the sound of it, asked him to change and given him chances in the past, but he's still a dick, so don't waste any more time worrying about him: focus on getting yourself clear of him.

Going to attempt the conversation tonight . I feel sick.

Good luck, deep breath. Thinking of you.

The conversation tonight doesn't have to be long. You can state the situation then say no more.

If he chooses not to believe you then that isn't actually such a big problem. When he gets the divorce papers from your solicitor he will understand it.

What practical difference will it make if he says yes I understand we are breaking up?

How you doing Nottalotta? Did you manage to tell him?

No. I didn't. He was late home . I spent the time looking online at rentals and at finances . There is no possible way I can move out atm. With that, I bottled it. He's being generally OK atm and I don't want to inflame him and be stuck here . So thought I'd go back to my original long term plan of sticking it out and planning for after my work situition is resolved. Spring. But he's home now and I just don't know how I can.

What a fuck up.

It is not a fuck up. You are being sensible, planning so that your breakup will be successful.

There are lots of things you could do between now and the spring to help out future you when the spring comes.

How about making a list of everything you will need to organise when you are moving out. See if you can get any of that dealt with earlier to reduce the stress on future you and to help you feel like something is changing now.

You need to see a solicitor for advice. You should start having a good clear out, organising and identifying things you want and don't want to take. Later you could start quietly moving precious things to another location. Get your paperwork sorted. Plan your childcare. Practice detaching from him emotionally. I bet you can think of lots more.

Thank you. I saw such an amazing house to rent, right area, good size, fabulous garden, would accept the cat!!! And then I looked at the money. Ugh. I'd been so excited .

You're right though, I need to bite the bullet and get legal advice .

I've started decluttering already actually (subconscious at work......) and I think it will be so much easier with these plans in mind!

I just have to work out how to cope for another 6 months.

You could treat those 6 months as training yourself to get in touch with your own wants and needs, rather than always making choices on the basis of what might reduce his shittiness. Even if you choose to still be controlled etc, it might help if you think about each little choice you make every day and think about what you would do if he wasn't around.

If you detach emotionally then you won't care so much about his sulking or whatever he does, you'll just do what you want more often.

What behaviours will.be the worst to tolerate for 6 months?

I'd briefly toyed with the idea of telling him I was going to start being me again, doing a bit for myself, and see how it went (knowing full well he'd hate it....) so I am indeed going to do that. The worst things - dealing with his shittiness as it occurs. But mainly atm, daily life even with him being good is hard. I'm just son past it every little thing is a big issue for me. So keeping a lid on it so as to keep the peace will be hard.

And cooking his bloody dinner. Rejecting his advances .

Sounds like a good plan to just start being yourself without a big announcement.

Is there something special about his dinner? Isn't it the same as cooking your own dinner?

Rejecting advances. Urgh. Does he use sulking as foreplay to get you to lie back?

You definitely need to get to a solicitor.

If you stop being the good little wifey then he might decide he wants to move out himself.

Nottalotta: I had an inkling you wouldn't. And this isn't in any way a critisism of you. It's because I could reflect in what you were saying.

I, in my head in all honesty, 3 years before I said I wanted to leave, I knew I wanted to end it. But I was scared, shit scared and in particular finances were a worry. It wasn't the biggest one, but it was the one I couldn't quite get my head round. I manage. I was with some friends a few weeks ago and they were all asking me how I was. I was a little bit drunk and just kept saying "you know what, whatever life throws at me, I'll manage". In reality, I am barely managing, but I am and I try.

BUT.....I am 100% happier, 100% more looking forward to my life ahead, I have moment where I cry like a bitch and where I dance around the house and look at my kids and my rescue dog, and think how far I have come. Someone posted on my thread and it stuck with me " your feelings are valid, you count". Plan if you need to , suck it up for 6 months if thats what it takes. But I believe firmly now with posting on here, you are part way there. I get very annoyed with the LTB posts on threads, it ain't always THAT easy. But it can be done, if you start putting yourself, and your own happiness above his.

Oh and I did the same as you. I decided to work on me, while working on getting out. It didn't go down well. One of the worst arguments in our relationship was because I wanted to join the gym. I volunteered at the local social club (I live abroad its a way to engage with the community), he hated it. Things got worse until it reached a peak and I said "Im done".

The working on myself worsened his insecurities, and in turn he suffocated me. If he had just given me the space and watch me grow, or support me, we might have been ok.