So this is it then...

[pointythings]

So my DH is an alcoholic. I gave him an ultimatum in July - the drink or his family. He chose to go into rehab. Two weeks ago he finished treatment.

Tonight I came home after a night away with DDs to ComicCon and he was slurring, showing all the signs. So I snooped. Yep, empty bottle of spirits hidden in his backpack.

I confronted him and the first thing he said was 'can we not do this in front of the girls. Oh how the alcoholics like their secrecy. No, H, the girls need to know - they are 14 and 16 and they have been part of all the conversations.

So now my marriage is over. Shit. I am not backing down. This is it, done, finished. No more chances, he's had plenty. I still feel like shit.

Good luck pointy. Keep going.

Did it. We had a very calm conversation on neutral ground and I explained why he needed to move out. He accepts it but is very sad.

I feel sick now.

Sometimes doing the right thing for your family makes you feel awful. It’s about making a happy safe life for you and your DC. You did the right thing.

That must have been incredibly hard, but I totally, genuinely think that you have done the right thing.

Now you have to grit your teeth, stay strong, and keep going. The next few days and weeks will be hard but just think - you've done it. You will soon be out the other side and you will never regret it.

It is hard and unfair when you have to be the enforcer of consequences for other people’s decisions.

Bit at the end of the day, you are looking after your children and they will be in a much better place because of it.

Thank you all .

He also accepted that DDs didn't want him to come Christmas shopping Saturday. I honestly thought he was going to cry. I asked him outright if he had told anyone yet - he still hasn't. That's 4 weeks in now. He's going to self-destruct once he's moved out and I'm going to have to try not to care.

Oh God - that's hard. The only thing to remember is that you are not responsible for another adult's behaviour - you are doing the right thing by putting your dc first.

Really feel for you.

All this is such a waste of a human being. I can't have the man I married back and I know that, but those memories of the good times are real.

And this is why Powerless by Linkin Park is currently my anthem in the car.

I am new to this thread and have very little to offer in terms of experience or advise. But I wanted to applaud how strong you are being and wish you and your DDs (who sounds amazing, you must be very proud) all the very best and lots of future happiness

Addiction is such a toxic affair and it's effects deep into every good thing the person had. Sometimes they have to lose it all before they are ready to begin healing. Your husband is not ready to stop drinking yet. He may never be and I'm sorry to see that. The hope you live with that this is the day things will change eats away at you. The disappointment is crushing. I speak from experience. And so you have absolutely done the right thing by yourself, your dc and also your DH. I wish you the very best.

greedynan as far as I can tell he isn't drinking at the moment. But he is what's called a dry drink- No alcohol but all the dysfunctional stuff firmly in place. Which is why he has to move out.

I know this is the right thing to do. That doesn't stop the feelings though. I have every intention of getting counselling to work through that.

I don't know if this makes sense but I've been given the royal runaround by some very close relatives. It nearly killed me pointy (not exaggerating, got the big c). That focused my mind a bit!

Hard to explain but I got to the point of seeing that I was somehow taking it too seriously and too personally. It actually want about me. Not that it wasn't very serious and very personal! Just that it was someone/s under the influence of something/s or other and generally giving me huge trouble and very serious heartache.

When I stopped taking it so seriously and so personally a big weight fell off. I felt quite pfffft about all the agony I'd been put through.

I'm a changed person, mind. It has been the single most excruciating thing of my life and has left a mark. But for all the grief and all the agony, I didn't need to take it so seriously or personally.

Not sure if that resonates?

I get what you mean springy. There's an interesting book called From Stress To Stillness that offers some simple strategies for this.

That does resonate, springy. His presence causes me enormous stress. He is like a dark shadow in the house. I suspect once he goes, I will find it easier to let go. I know I need to.

Christmas shopping almost complete - had a nice day out with the DDs. H has been off for the past 2 days - Thanksgiving is a US holiday and he took Friday as leave. We have barely seen him - he just hides in the bedroom (we sleep separately). I am so tired of him bottling out of normal life. It's cowardly.

I think everything will be much much easier for you once he has moved out. Has he been looking for somewhere to go?

Cambio no, he hasn't. Because he has all the dynamism and energy of a sedimentary geological formation.

But I have shopping to do with him today so I am going to press him on it. He's taking the piss now - he's spent the past three days in his room, mostly asleep, and yesterday and Friday we didn't see him at all. I suspect he is slipping into deep depression, but I have no sympathy.

You are doing the right thing by staying strong. Keep going - I am so impressed by your strength and determination.

I need some more strength... Just had a conversation with DH - he admitted he is feeling suicidal. No active planning, but ideation definitely present. He has said he won't do it in this house.

So I told him he now needs to start seeking help - medical, social, familial. I also told him I continue to insist on him moving out and would actively chase him about it every single day.

He cried, talked about losing his parents (which is at the root of all his problems) and I felt nothing.

So he has said he will go to work tomorrow - he didn't today because his back was painful. He has back problems anyway - and spending 5 days in bed mostly asleep will not have helped them one bit

If he does not go to work tomorrow, I am going to call the base (he is US and has his health care through them) and report what he has said to me, then act on what they recommend.

More than anything I am angry with him for not helping himself.

Oh God.

I am holding your hand here pointy. My stbx made an attempt when we first split and the absolute horror of that will never leave me.

You have to remember, though, that he is an adult and you are not responsible for his behaviour.

You are doing the right thing. Hold on to that thought. Keep going - you will come out the other side before too much longer. Be stronger than me. I back-tracked on splitting up when it first happened because I felt so frightened and guilty, but I just couldn't carry on with the marriage so I just delayed the inevitable really.

I am not going to backtrack. The more of this shit he does, the more my resolve hardens. This is probably unhealthy, but my contempt for him is growing. He has done nothing to help himself since his mum died. He went to bereavement counselling - because I pushed it. He spoke to mental health professionals on base - because I pushed it. He did rehab - because I pushed it. I am not pushing any more. All he is getting from me now is toughness. He is throwing out so much bullshit - 'how did we get to this' 'I'm an orphan' - well yeah, you're 57. People age and die. His parents were 73 and 79 when they died, hardly spring chickens. They were lovely people, but there comes a time when you have to move on.

I am so sick and tired of him. DD1 has mock AS exams and DD2 is ill with a really bad cold and I am doing it all on my own - and I've still got him upstairs like a sorry lump. I want him to fuck off now.

So do I pointy

Sounds like he's trying everything he can think of to turn it back to you doing all the work for him. He's still not quite realised that you are no longer that person.

Sadly he's probably not going to do anything on his own and you are doing the right thing. It's time to get him out asap.

His life is his to do with it whatever he chooses [whether that be to continue or to end it.] just as yours is yours. Good luck today op.

He's still in bed. When asked if he is going to work the answer is 'I don't know' so that'll be a no then. And he hasn't been taking his meds. So I am going to call the base hospital to arrange a psychiatric assessment and take it from there. Threshold for admission is lower than in the UK so wish me luck.