*trigger warning" consent for sex

[TimeIsAnIllusion]

I have a question about consent to sex within marriage.
Sometimes when my husband and I are in bed together (we normally sleep together), he will try to initiate sex by groping me - touching me and rubbing his penis against me - if I say no and he continues to force himself on top of me and attempt to penetrate me - I will try to push him off - explain I am exhausted - not in the mood now - he will continue to pin me down, force my legs apart and make me have sex - I will struggle for as long as I feel able - but often will give in and let him carry on (laying there limply not giving any encouragement hoping he finishes quickly because I am desperate for sleep). Does giving in in this manner mean I have now consented (to get it over with)?

I can absolutely relate to the first bit. That is sexual assault. The rest, with his penis, is rape. I know my husband has assaulted me sexually more times than I can shake a stick at. I know that I've had crap sex with him most of the time and been treated like a sex toy.
Please report to the police.

Claim DLA for your dd. You don’t need a diagnosis, you just need her condition to have a substantial and long term effect.

Get legal advice re the house.

Consider making a police report about him to the specialist part of your local force (I know believe me that this seems very scary but I have done it recently and the police have been amazing).

And re the legal part of rape he needs to have had reason to believe you consented, the police might ask you how he would know you didn’t and you would need to describe all the things you did on here including what he said when you spoke to him about it. He would have a hard time claiming he had reason to believe he had consent in those circs.

Thank you all for your clear and helpful advice.
I’m going to the local CAB Monday and a solicitor Wednesday.

Time. CAB and solicitor sound the way forward.

I think (lawyers may want to correct me) the test is not what that particular individual man thought about the situation, but what a reasonable person would think about such a situation - and surely a reasonable person would realise someone repeatedly trying to push them off, then lying there inert, was not consent. (I seem to remember talking to a lawyer friend about this and some of the test cases, including one where an abusive husband told a couple of his mates to go and rape his wife because "she fantasised about rough sex and would like it." The prosecution argued successfully that no reasonable person would have believed him.)

@Offred what will happen if I make a police report?
Will they speak to him or just file a report?
He has a key to our jointly owned house and I don’t want any trouble from him.

You can report to the police and make a statement. I have made several statements to the police. They offer to come to your house so you can speak to them there. I told them there was no way my husband could know about it as it would ramp up his fury and make it far more dangerous for me, so we met at different places. If you can speak at a police station, that is good, or a friend's house. They won't speak to your husband without your permission.

Timeihadanamechange - brilliant video! Perfect analogy! Spot on. Thank you.

i can tell you what happened for me; I made the report, I did a video interview, I sent some of the emails that could be evidence to the officer. They invited him in for interview, he eventually went in, they arrested him, he was interviewed and then bailed on police bail with strict instructions that he was not to come near me or he would be arrested for interfering with a witness.

And then the police eventually took my phone for processing as he said he ‘didn’t have’ his phone that he had when he was in a relationship with me, he ‘doesn’t know’ what he did with it or where it is now...

I’ve finally got a gp appointment on wed to report historical abuse (both the rape and occasionally being hit and shoved).

I am unsure about police involvement because he still has a house key. He took the rest of his belongings from the house today but he won’t give the key back. Says he will take legal advice on that.
Still feeling very mixed up and scared about the future.
I definitely don’t want him back anymore and he definitely still wants a divorce but it still hurts me the way he “ran away” first instead of trying to talk to me about any marital issues. Knowing lots of other people knew how he felt he communicated with them not me.
I’m sad for my now unhappy children.

criminal-justice.iresearchnet.com/crime/domestic-violence/stockholm-syndrome-in-battered-women/
Staring to understand myself. Reading this article gives me enormous comfort. I identify as having this syndrome wholeheartedly.

I used to think the rape was ok so long as I was loved.

I have been so blind to reality.
He’s still intimidating me. Trying to control me.
Won’t give reasonable warning as to when he will or won’t see the kids - so they don’t have any security of contact arrangements. At times he turns his phone off so they cannot contact him at all.
He’s hurt my babies so much and is taking pleasure in being elusive and unavailable to them at times.
He tried to discuss divorce infront of them. He’s offered to help me write forms to divorce him wanting to oversee what is put on those forms - and telling me that I (with no income) should pay for it!
Tonight I don’t know what I ever saw in him.
Staying strong for my babies and applying for loads of jobs looking forwards to independence and peace in my heart.

I’m sorry you are going through this but I am so very glad the understanding is bringing you peace.

FWIW the main thing that was beneficial for me re going to the police was the feeling of finally understanding it and having the peace that comes with that.

Going to the gp is a good step forward.

Do NOT fill out the forms with him there.
You will fill out the forms with your solicitor.
Did you contact Womens Aid?
You may be entitled to Legal Aid which will be a huge help for you.
So contact them as a 1st stop.
They can also help with solicitors in your area who are used to dealing with abusive assholes!

Getting an outreach worker from women’s charity soon.
Tried to organise a contact schedule for kids - he’s turning off his phone and being unavailable to kids at times... leaving them hanging about wondering if he will see them or not. He’s taken that personally saying his focus is work and I have to understand that. I’ve pointed out there is a Friday / Saturday pattern to him being off grid as such and those are not working days.
Still asking for house key off him and him not giving it.

Urgh... my eldest two’s dad was like that... weird because work was never his focus when we were together, he once walked out of a very well paid civil service job because his manager asked him to clean the microwave after he used it and ‘it isn’t my job’.

Suddenly after we split up work was his focus and he couldn’t see the kids.

Imagine my surprise when he then took me to court for access claiming I was stopping him seeing them!

IMO the trick to handling someone like this is to find ways to manipulate them into thinking they are in control (since that is what their whole point is) whilst actually getting things set up in the kids’ interests.

So, a year on from this post:
Police are still investigating the marital rape (currently going through my medical records). I sincerely hope I get the opportunity to face him in court over this. I have given video evidence and agreed to be cross examined in court too.
He is taking me to court for a CAO after I offered supervised contact - and asked that it be regular for the sake of the kids.
I did the freedom program and was helped by a domestic abuse charity.
I have social services involved for support and that is helping.
There had been domestic abuse alongside the marital rape and he is a very controlling person.
I have a job (currently signed off with stress but hope to be back in a few weeks). I'm on anxiety meds for ptsd and anxiety and having therapy. My severe depression is improving a lot and my trauma score is going down.
Myself and the kids are still in the marital home for now.
He is delaying the divorce - arguing over reasons given then not acknowledging or returning papers...
it turns out he left as he was having an affair (surprise! 🤔🙄) with a girl half his age from work. He now lives with her and he doesn't want custody or to have the kids sleep over because apparently the girlfriend doesn't want the kids.
I'm wondering what he's hoping for with the child arrangement order?
I got a non molestation order in January that expires this January. He has breeched it several times. I hope to get it renewed.

Thank you everyone here for advice and encouragement.
My kids have all had some therapy - my second eldest has tried to commit suicide 3 x in the last year. My youngest dd went off the rails with drink and drugs but is improving now with help.

The kids have all been affected my growing up with domestic abuse and their sense of normal is skewed. I've had to call the police on them for fighting between themselves (the teenagers)! It's been a rollercoaster of a year but I feel we are on the right pathway now and home is calmer and more relaxing without the big bully living here.

Wow - OP.
Well done.
You've been through some serious shit but you are coming out the other side.
It's good you are getting medical help and it's hardly surprising you have PTSD.
The kids went crazy as they could finally let loose after being bullied and controlled for so long.
They will find themselves soon enough.
Thanks for updating.
And I too hope, you get to face him in court.
What a vile vile man.
Well done OP and keep going.

Well bloody done. Honestly, you should be so very proud of yourself.

Keep up the good work and don't give up. Even if you never get to face him in court, you can rest assured you have done the right thing by your children by pushing the vile man as far out of your lives as possible.

You've done so well OP - you are a fantastic example to everyone on here in a similar situation. You should be absolutely proud of how you have dealt with this.

I hope everything continues to get easier for you. Good luck and all the best.

I commented before, and I'm so pleased you got out! Well done! Best of luck with the court case x

Wow op you are so brave! So proud of you .

Well done OP. I’m so pleased that you have been so brave.

I didn't see the original post but thanks for the update it's appeared in my threads.

You're been very strong and I hope this gives you confidence and self belief that you can face what he throws at you and that you're not alone.

No one should have to tolerate this kind of abuse. Ever. No one.