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Original poster

Boyfriend staying over but paying zero

116 replies

ivedoneitnow · 26/10/2017 23:13

Been dating for 18 months. He adores me and I love him too. He's amazing to me and my two kids. I work full time. I own my own house and he lives with parents. I'm independent and love living in my own home. Bills come to £1200 a month. He isn't in regular work and makes and sells things for money. His income is very variable. He's stayed over every night for the last 9 weeks and I love having him here but he pays zero towards my bills / helps me out financially. We take turns paying when eating out. Came home tonight to him being here, he's had a shower and drinking while I'm not even in from work. I'm struggling financially and overdrawn, waiting for payday. I feel resentful that he's staying here for free and living the dream. What should I do?

OP posts:
Cockmagic · 27/10/2017 18:06

How often does he stay over? Every night?

My bt stays over twice a week , takes me and dd out for tea and buys a bit of food shopping. He also offers to top us gas/electeic if needed.

Does he give you anything?

2014newme · 27/10/2017 18:07

Agree with the get a boyfriend who has a job and doesn't drink in the daytime advice

Callamia · 27/10/2017 18:10

Gosh. He either steps up quickly, or you move him on.

I know what it’s like to support someone financially - my husband left his job for a year to pursue an MA, and we relied on my wage in that time, but that was temporary, and he got a job asap after. He also took on more of the childcare and household jobs during that year.

Is your boyfriend doing anything useful about the house while he’s there? Or have you also found an increase in washing-up?

His behaviour isn’t ok, because it’s potentially also disadvantaging your children financially too.

2014newme · 27/10/2017 18:12

Late 30s?
Seriously unattractive traits. I'd dump him.

underkerstumbled · 27/10/2017 18:15

No, he hasn't been staying over for the last 9 weeks - he moved in 9 weeks ago.

Thebluedog · 27/10/2017 18:18

I presume you now lose your 25% council tax reduction etc with him there full time for 9 weeks? That alone means it costs you more. As does the extra electricity, gas, water, food

dogfish1 · 27/10/2017 18:21

Chap here.
Give the guy the benefit of the doubt, if he is otherwise good.
Explain he has to start paying his way. Set a fair level that exceeds the price of his food etc and reflects the fact that it's your place.
If he apologises then willingly steps up, great. You'll be doing both of you a big favour. Scrounging is bad for both scrounger and scroungee.
If not, dump pronto. No decent man would knowingly scrounge off someone in your position, not even for a week.

Holdtightdontletgo · 27/10/2017 18:23

It's not just the price of food he needs to pay is it? What about making up the full council tax and loss of tax credits?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 27/10/2017 18:24

Thank fuck a chap is here.

We can all get back to cooking the dinner and doing the washing!

honeyroar · 27/10/2017 18:30

My husband did this initially- his staying every night, it wasn't planned, it just kind of happened. A couple of months later I had a chat with him and said we have to decide whether we're living together or not. If you're staying every night we have to start going halves on bills and rent. He happily took over all the bills and I paid the rent. A few months later we moved to another property and split everything properly.

GreenTulips · 27/10/2017 18:31

Give the guy the benefit of the doubt

Yes do that!! Just a minor matter being overlooked called 'paying your own way' nothing to get worked up over, now pop kettle on

expatinscotland · 27/10/2017 18:38

Oh, dear god! He's in his late 30s. Look, don't even HAVE a discussion about his moving in, or 'give him the benefit of the doubt'. Get real! He has no job and lives with Mum and Dad when he's not couched at yours. You just got yourself a cocklodger there! Bet his parents are rubbing their hands in glee.

And you do realise with his staying there so often you could lose your single discount for council tax and be in hot water with the HMRC if you're on tax credits.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/10/2017 18:40

When now DH and I were first together and he started staying over he'd always bring food, pop out and put money on my electric card secretly.

We were both skint but he offered me money for bills and I said no as I knew his financial situation at the time was worse than mine. He offered though! Would cook, clean, buy me little things for my flat, pay for things we went out and stick a wash on.

We got our own place later on and I knew how things would be when we were properly living together because he'd been so amazing when he stayed at mine.

I'd find it really unattractive to be cleaning up after and funding a grown man who was abusing my hospitality. Someone in their 30s knows what rent, bills and council tax cost.

It's fucking rude to sneakily move in and not pay your way.

HerOtherHalf · 27/10/2017 18:40

No decent man would knowingly scrounge off someone in your position, not even for a week.

Are you honestly suggesting it might not have crossed his mind that he's massively taking advantage? Of course he knows. It's not like he thinks food shopping and household bills get paid by friendly pixies.

Smeaton · 27/10/2017 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Popchyk · 27/10/2017 18:45

First things first.

He's moved in without having a conversation about moving in. That stops right now. If you want him to move in, that's fine but you need to define the terms of him moving in. And you know that you can say that you don't want him to move in, right? It is your house. You get to decide who lives in it.

You need to communicate properly with him. There have been loads of threads of the "well, he just gradually moved in and I didn't think anything of it" types. They rarely end well.

If he is genuinely skint, a decent bloke would help out in other ways. Cleaning, cooking, gardening, DIY, dropping kids off at football, that kind of thing. It is not like he is busy working.

And him getting home before you, having a shower and cracking open a beer is not good. He could at least have made a start on dinner for everyone.

expatinscotland · 27/10/2017 18:49

'Cleaning, cooking, gardening, DIY, dropping kids off at football, that kind of thing. It is not like he is busy working. '

Yeah, because that kind of thing will pay your newly increased council tax bill, your higher food and utility bills, the tax credits you'll lose if you get them and whatever you're due the HMRC for the time he's been there. A cleaner and a weekly online delivery of family ready meals would be cheaper.

He's a very expensive pet, OP.

MrSnrubYesThatsIt · 27/10/2017 18:58

his parents are probably delighted to have him off the books.

Popchyk · 27/10/2017 19:02

Oh God, I've just read your other thread.

Ignore my previous post - do not have a conversation about him moving in.

This is the bloke who works 12 hours per week and has a son who he doesn't bother with and pays nothing towards.

The poor kid turns up at his grandparents every weekend, and his dad chooses to spend every weekend at the OP's. He is one cruel bastard, not just a cocklodger.

For God's sake get rid.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 27/10/2017 19:07

He has a child of his own? 😮 if that's right my god you have low standards

messyjessy17 · 27/10/2017 19:09

He doesn't live with his parents, he lives with you, he just pretends he doesn't,

Cockmagic · 27/10/2017 19:13

Why did you let him move in when he doesn't have a job or before discussing finances?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/10/2017 19:25

He gave you the money he owed you for the tickets. Ok.

What about rent and bills?

LuxuryWoman2017 · 27/10/2017 19:25

Christ, he does have a child he barely sees and doesn't support. Why on earth would you lumber yourself with this utter loser?

expatinscotland · 27/10/2017 19:50

Some people have a bar so low a flea could limbo under it. What is attractive and amazing about a person who is in his/her late 30s, no job, child they don't pay to support and whom they fob off on their parents, lives at home with Mum and Dad, crashes at yours and doesn't offer a bean?

This is simple. 'This isn't working. I need my key back and you need to go back to your parents. I need some time to think more about having a live in relationship.'