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Original poster

Boyfriend staying over but paying zero

116 replies

ivedoneitnow · 26/10/2017 23:13

Been dating for 18 months. He adores me and I love him too. He's amazing to me and my two kids. I work full time. I own my own house and he lives with parents. I'm independent and love living in my own home. Bills come to £1200 a month. He isn't in regular work and makes and sells things for money. His income is very variable. He's stayed over every night for the last 9 weeks and I love having him here but he pays zero towards my bills / helps me out financially. We take turns paying when eating out. Came home tonight to him being here, he's had a shower and drinking while I'm not even in from work. I'm struggling financially and overdrawn, waiting for payday. I feel resentful that he's staying here for free and living the dream. What should I do?

OP posts:
Anecdoche · 26/10/2017 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/10/2017 23:51

How old is he?

The life style, job and cluelessness you describe suggest very early twenties.

Stella60 · 26/10/2017 23:54

Let him know how it is right now otherwise you'll be stuck with it

Dustbunny1900 · 26/10/2017 23:55

Nope. At best he's a sad dependent man baby who you will be taking care of along with your other children , at worst he's a calculating leech who has targeted you as a sucker.
Move on before you become even more entangled , trust me. This will stay a major issue in your relationship, eventually building resentment and contempt.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/10/2017 23:58

I just noticed that you asked what should you do.

I feel resentful that he's staying here for free and living the dream. What should I do?

Either you stop him living with you or you make him pay rent and bills because he is living with you. Be totally up front that it is not on for him to be living there for free.

If he's not living there then he should be over max 2-3 nights a week. You should be at his a similar amount but of course with you having children and him living with his parents (why?) that's tricky. Certainly take the key off him. He shouldn't be coming in if you are not there. Make sure he isn't keeping stuff at your house beyond the bare essentials for a sleepover. No laundry at yours obviously. If he eats your food, he buys it.

Tbh though, I'd be wondering why he hasn't got his own place. Is it maybe because he prefers to leech off other people?

serialcheat · 26/10/2017 23:58

Bottom line, he has absolutely zero respect for you, your children, despite the countless times he tells you, he " loves you "

LexieLulu · 27/10/2017 00:02

Fool you for not saying anything until you've gone overdrawn...

Vitalogy · 27/10/2017 00:03

He's taking the piss big time. You'll have to put your foot down ASAP.

serialcheat · 27/10/2017 00:08

Thinking aloud:

Would you see your children go short on things so he doesn't !?

Because in effect, his lack of any contributions indirectly impacts on them.

Smeaton · 27/10/2017 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FangsAlot · 27/10/2017 00:11

Cocklodger klaxon
This ^

notapizzaeater · 27/10/2017 00:14

Have you never discussed finances ? I’d sit him down and show him how much running a home costs

MyBrilliantDisguise · 27/10/2017 00:16

He is taking money from your children.

AdaColeman · 27/10/2017 00:22

Of course he adores you, you are the goose who's laying the golden eggs.
If he didn't "adore" you, you wouldn't be paying out all your hard earned cash in order to keep him in the style which he has become accustomed to. Would you?

CamperVamp · 27/10/2017 00:23

Does he pay rent to his parents?

GymBunnieWannabe · 27/10/2017 00:28

Shock what a nob!

Viviennemary · 27/10/2017 00:37

If he's not actually living with you then it's difficult to say how much he should contribute towards household expenses especially if he's living at home at presumably paying towards that household. It doesn't sound very promising tbh. How do you see the future with somebody that doesn't have a regular job and seems pretty clueless about your financial hardships.

stopbeingadramallama · 27/10/2017 00:41

He needs to start helping you out with the bills if he’s planning on staying at yours full time.

He isn’t living with his parents. He’s basically already moved in with you without any conversation.

You’re going to need to talk to him about it.

You’re struggling and he’s effectively taking money from your children, which isn’t fair.

He sounds very young.

FinallyDecidedOnUserName · 27/10/2017 06:56

Big chat needed

MamaOfTwos · 27/10/2017 07:00

Cocklodger alert 🚨**

Notanumberuser · 27/10/2017 07:01

Cocklodger.

LittleCandle · 27/10/2017 07:02

Sounds like DD's ex. He 'lost his job' chucked it in to move in with her and then could never get another one. Four years in, he got a very part time job that he lost because he was sacked the manager hated him. This guy has cocklodger written all over him. Sorry. You need to tell him straight that if he stays, he contributes. If he won't or can't, then kick him out.

Holdtightdontletgo · 27/10/2017 07:03

If you are living as a couple that would affect any tax credits etc you get.

FrancisCrawford · 27/10/2017 07:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

donajimena · 27/10/2017 07:12

My OH spent a lot of time here and I started to feel as you do. When I brought it up he looked a bit hurt Hmm but did actually 'get it' I explained that alone I would only run the dishwasher twice a week and with him around it was every other day, showers etc. He did step up and contribute though I just think he naively assumed that two could live as cheaply as one as he was definitely not grabby (he is always very generous and has helped me out of a tight spot many a time) he also maintains his own house/mortgage etc. It was when he gleefully told me how much his bills had gone down that I went nuclear Grin

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