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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

where do you draw the line, DP takes his stress/anger out on me and somehow it all becomes my fault

49 replies

starrynight39 · 17/10/2017 15:45

Hello all. I have been trying to deal with DP behavior by being nice and understanding but i think i became a doormat instead.
We are together two years. At start i never saw the angry side of him but few months into the relationship i realized that he gets overly upset over anything and everyone. It became progressively more to take his stress and anger out on me
As an example yesterday he was "stressed" from work and later "angry " with his neighbor because he was making noise. I listened to him as i always do , trying to support him and help him feel better. I tried to tell him about my day(i rarely do ) and he wasnt listening and he said sorry for not talking much but i have my issues here and i am trying not to get angry( about neighbor). I replied that its ok, is not like he ever listens or bothers much with what happens in my life (thats true, he usually just has me to listen to his issues and thats about it), I said i will read the newspaper until he calms down (from the neighbor)
His first reply was that i should go to bed and leave him alone because he doesnt need an argument with all that" he is being going through" . I replied that i didnt do anything wrong and he shouldn't get upset with me . Long story short, he started arguing with me for "causing problems" and "why i can not for once support him". He started screaming on top of his voice that i am trying to cause a problem when he is upset and if i have any issues to wait him to leave for work and then resolve them . He went on and on , trying to intimidate me. My efforts to remind to him that i did nothing to him , i only said one sentence, went wasted . And this is his attitude generaly
I do not know where to draw the line. I am trying to be kind and understanding but how many more times i have to forget everything and blame it on his stress? I know that if i was behaving this way i would feel ashamed and apologize and never do it again. He expects me to be grateful because he "is trying to keep calm for me when he has so many problems".
Any advice please

OP posts:

AlistairSim · 17/10/2017 15:48

My advice is to leave him. End the relationship.
He sounds like a selfish bully.

Shoxfordian · 17/10/2017 15:50

He acts like an idiot and you enable him by being understanding and nice even when he clearly doesn't deserve it. If you noticed this a few months in then why didn't you leave then?

Understanding and kindness is good in a relationship as long as its both ways and not a misguided attempt to pander to unreasonable behaviour. You're never going to change his behaviour. Probably best to end the relationship.

CockacidalManiac · 17/10/2017 15:52

He’s an angry arsehole, and it’s not your job to rescue him.

CocoaIsGone · 17/10/2017 15:54

Yes, I think the line should probably have been drawn a long while back.

I suspect if you try to leave, he will emotionally blackmail you (how can you do it when he is so stressed?). You need to just ignore this. It sounds like he is not helping himself and it is not a fulfilling partnership.

Better two years than twenty.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/10/2017 15:54

Do not be a doormat or his emotional punchbag any longer. Set yourself free by leaving this abusive man.

Do read "The Loser" by Dr Joe Carver. www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as this could help you in future relationships. Men like this too can take an awful long time, years even, to recover from. This individual targeted you for his own ends.

scootinFun · 17/10/2017 15:57

Solve his problems - leave him. He gets what he wants and you get to shed an arsehole - win:win

AdalindSchade · 17/10/2017 15:58

Draw the line here and now!

pallisers · 17/10/2017 16:01

draw the line right here. He won't change. he's way more trouble than he's worth.

SilverySurfer · 17/10/2017 16:02

You are allowing him to use you as his verbal/emotional punchbag which is completely unacceptable.

I would have no hesitation in leaving him, sooner rather than later.

PickAChew · 17/10/2017 16:12

The line is way back when you first started trying to soothe the self absorbed twat.

There will be no happy ever after with this man.

MinervaSaidThar · 17/10/2017 16:17

You think he will change if you just keep being kind and understanding.

He just sees that he can say whatever he wants and you will take it.

fizzthecat1 · 17/10/2017 16:31

OP he's pathetic. He's taking all his problems out on you and probably wouldn't dare have a cross word with anyone else. He's pathetic and a bully.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/10/2017 16:34

Sorry OP but he is a bully. You deserve better than that.

yetmorecrap · 17/10/2017 16:35

I have been married 21 years and have put up with this kind of stuff for about 16 years (he wasnt like it for first 5 and we were married after 14 months)-- I no longer put up with it because it was either coming to the point big style or leaving. I serioulsy dont think some guys realise they are doing it as much as they are and how much it wears away at the other person. I wish in the past I had taped him. I think its worse too if they have noone else really to 'vent' to.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2017 18:06

Do you enjoy being his punching bag? I would hope the answer is no. He is a bully and he will not change. He will ALWAYS be more important to himself than you will ever be. What goes on in your life doesn't matter to him. This is how you want to live?

ZippyCameBack · 17/10/2017 18:14

This isn't normal and it isn't healthy. No amount of niceness will fix it.

My husband sometimes (maybe once every couple of months) gets aggressive with me. I know that this is a sign that he needs to take his medication, so I tell him and he stomps off to take it and later comes back to apologise. If he has no underlying condition causing it, then he is just using you as his emotional punching bag.

I am concerned that one day your partner will become violent instead of just an arsehole, and that he will feel justified because you annoyed him or didn't support him properly, or some other rubbish.

If you already have children then this behaviour is damaging them. If not, then you need to get away before you have any.

timeisnotaline · 17/10/2017 18:20

Zero more times. I can't see any good reason to be nice to him. Suggest you explain you are not the reason for his stress, and he doesn't get to take it out on you. If he can't manage without using his loved one as a verbal punching bag he has to leave.

tinymeteor · 17/10/2017 18:34

This isn't about you not being nice enough. It's HIM not being nice enough. At all.

You deserve better, and you won't get it with him.

PsychedelicSheep · 17/10/2017 18:48

Your boyfriend screams at you and tries to intimidate you and you bend over backwards to be kind and understanding?

That’s not a healthy relationship in any way. Why are you allowing him to treat you this way? Why are his feelings more important than yours?

scootinFun · 19/10/2017 09:55

How are you Op?

MrKaplan · 19/10/2017 11:35

Leave him. Leave him now.
Because you can be patient with him now but when you have kids you'll expect him to turn in to an adult and he won't.

Quartz2208 · 19/10/2017 11:59

I remember your previous thread, the time to let it go is now

Apileofballyhoo · 19/10/2017 12:09

What everyone else said. Please don't sign up for a lifetime of this.

Original poster

starrynight39 · 19/10/2017 22:23

@scootinFun Thank you for asking :)
And thank you all for the replies
The last few days have been quite depressing for me. I tried to talk and explain to him how he makes me feel (it never works trying to talk to him, i dont know why i am trying).He seemed to listen at start and he seemed to understand but he dismissed me shortly after. He said that if i think that this is anything wrong then my mind is distorted and he doesnt know what to do with me. He says that he knows that i have the capacity to be better and he clings to this. Best of all he said that HE should be the one to complaint because i disappointing him and i couldn't be there for him when he needed me because i was too busy trying to cause problems. Then he used my frustration over all that to prove that i am the one with the problem and i mistreat him.
My mind is such a mess. I dont even remember who i was before i met him . He makes me feel guilty and somehow he is a saint and i am evil

OP posts:

Original poster

starrynight39 · 19/10/2017 22:25

i know i have to leave. I know i am happier without him and his mind tricks. But at times i think that its all my fault and he is a nice person , thats how he makes me believe. I feel broken

OP posts:

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