where do you draw the line, DP takes his stress/anger out on me and somehow it all becomes my fault

[starrynight39]

Hello all. I have been trying to deal with DP behavior by being nice and understanding but i think i became a doormat instead.
We are together two years. At start i never saw the angry side of him but few months into the relationship i realized that he gets overly upset over anything and everyone. It became progressively more to take his stress and anger out on me
As an example yesterday he was "stressed" from work and later "angry " with his neighbor because he was making noise. I listened to him as i always do , trying to support him and help him feel better. I tried to tell him about my day(i rarely do ) and he wasnt listening and he said sorry for not talking much but i have my issues here and i am trying not to get angry( about neighbor). I replied that its ok, is not like he ever listens or bothers much with what happens in my life (thats true, he usually just has me to listen to his issues and thats about it), I said i will read the newspaper until he calms down (from the neighbor)
His first reply was that i should go to bed and leave him alone because he doesnt need an argument with all that" he is being going through" . I replied that i didnt do anything wrong and he shouldn't get upset with me . Long story short, he started arguing with me for "causing problems" and "why i can not for once support him". He started screaming on top of his voice that i am trying to cause a problem when he is upset and if i have any issues to wait him to leave for work and then resolve them . He went on and on , trying to intimidate me. My efforts to remind to him that i did nothing to him , i only said one sentence, went wasted . And this is his attitude generaly
I do not know where to draw the line. I am trying to be kind and understanding but how many more times i have to forget everything and blame it on his stress? I know that if i was behaving this way i would feel ashamed and apologize and never do it again. He expects me to be grateful because he "is trying to keep calm for me when he has so many problems".
Any advice please

[brokentv]

OP omg everything you are describing is so so similar to what I experienced with my ex, the mind games/feeling it’s your fault. The pure one sidedness of it all.

He will keep making out it’s all you, everything is your fault, but it really isn’t.

You really need to get away from this man he is selfish and manipulative and he will never change.

You deserve much much better

[Rescuepuppydaft2]

Op this man is abusive, he is gaslighting you to the point that you don't know if up is down! Please contact woman's aid! This man is dangerous and he is likely to escalate to physical violence when you try to leave! Be very careful! Make sure you delete your search history and keep quiet until you have everything that you need.

Gather together all of your paperwork and if you live together look into alternative accommodation. If you own the property I would give him x time to leave and ask a relative or friend to supervise his packing and leaving.

When you have escaped his abuse, please look into the freedom programme!

[Rescuepuppydaft2]

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

[Rescuepuppydaft2]

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted

[Dontlaugh]

He has no redeeming features.
You sound fabulous! Get the fuvk away and live a fabulous life. Thanks

[Rescuepuppydaft2]

narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

[tillytown]

Hi OP, my ex was like this. He was constantly angry at home, everything was someone else's fault, if I ever stood up for myself he would completely flip, screaming, breaking things, so I just stopped trying, instead I apologised for whatever made up bollocks he was annoyed about. Don't be like me, leave.

[starrynight39]

@Rescuepuppydaft2 Thank you a lot for the replies and the links. I though gash lighting was only lying about something , if it happened or not but now i realize its much more and that he is doing that often

[Butterymuffin]

Do you live together? If so is it his house?

[starrynight39]

@tillytown Thank you for the reply. Yes that describes him exactly. He is also demands me to apologize for things that either i do not understand either i dont believe i have to apologise for. I am trying not to but sometimes it seem so much easier to just say sorry to make him stop.

[starrynight39]

@Butterymuffin We live in separate houses but he is insisting to move in together soon. At start i agreed but now i keep postponing it because i saw all those behaviors. I guess i was hoping i am wrong and that he is a nice person but its clear that this is not the case

[abbsisspartacus]

Don't move in with him get him out of your house change your number move on with your life

[Butterymuffin]

That's a plus then, you can stay in your own place. Do not move in with him. End it now and cut off contact. He sounds horrible.

[AnyFucker]

The line disappeared over the horizon some time ago

Thankfully you can draw this to a close quite easiy. Will you though ?

[DPotter]

My advice was going to be - to pack bags - yours / his, doesn't matter.
However as you don't live together, you can just change the locks, assuming he has a key. You can tell him you're not up to the job of supporting him and therefore its best you leave so he can find someone else.
Please don't let him move in, please, whatever you decide to do

[NotTheFordType]

he is insisting to move in together soon
HELL NO.

When you think about finishing it, what is it that stops you?

[starrynight39]

@NotTheFordType Thank you for the reply. I think that is the doubt he makes me feel. For the example i described, i "know" that he is in the wrong but his replies are along the lines that i am the one at fault because i dont support him when he needs me etc etc. Being in this situations for so long it messes with your head and makes you doubt your judgement . It is so helpful to read the comments here because i can see that it isnt me as he constantly claims

[disappearingninepatch]

I don't even remember who i was before i met him.

Dear OP, my heart sank when I read that. Please don't move in with him. Have you got any RL support that can help you to free yourself from this relationship?

[PovertyPain]

He IS going to hit you, OP. He's just getting you emotionally and mentally beaten into submission first. That way when he eventually starts beating you, you will believe it's something you've done and you should have tried harder to be a good girlfriend. Get the hell away from this arsehole before he breaks you. The fact that you're on here asking for advice shows that he's already got you asking what you should do to 'help him'.

[Slimthistime]

he is my dad

honestly, I don't think there's anyone who won't be relieved when my dad dies. Not a joke. Even the neighbours and local shopkeepers.

leave him immediately. If not sooner.

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

I was in a relationship with this person. It will get so ouch worse.

The big about not supporting him. How exactly do you support your partner being annoyed with the neighbours exactly?? He is a twonk.

[CocoaIsGone]

You do not know which way is up because whatever you say, he turns it back on you. It is exhausting you and you cannot ‘win’ here because his aim is control.

Please do leave him, make sure you let people know in real life and contact Women’s Aid for support. This is psychological abuse. Absolutely do not move in with him, as it will be impossible to leave. You do not owe this man anything, you do not need his permission to end this ‘relationship’ - please get real life support, end it, and put yourself first.

[Joysmum]

Hold a mirror up to your situation. Would you ever treat him, or anyone else like this?

I’m guessing you wouldn’t because for all your protestations that he’s a nice person, that’s not what nice people do!

If someone told you that you make them feel as badly as you do, would you tell them it’s their fault or feel terrible that you hurt somebody that badly?

I think you can see a pattern here. Nice is as nice does.

[Crocky]

Please believe that you are not the one in the wrong.
This relationship is scarily likely to get worse if you move in with him.