Help! My partner doesn't want anymore children

[99hippos]

Hi everyone,

I'm in a dilemma and was wondering if I could have some wise words or experiences, whether they are personal or through friends.

I met my wonderful partner 2 years ago. I am 34 and he is almost 39. He has two wonderful children to his ex (4 & 7). We have the little ones 50% of the time and his ex is amazing. Herself, my partner and I get along amazingly and I know I am so very, very lucky to have it that way. If I say 'the kids', I'm talking about his, but I adore them with everything I have*.

On our second date he asked me flat out 'Do you want kids one day?'. I answered quickly with a big 'yes'. I saw his face, full of either sadness or disappointment. I stated 'Your face is telling me that you don't want any?', to which he replied "I've had a vasectomy". I was at a point then and there, that I would just give this a go and see how it all went after hearing stories that sometimes people change their minds, and who knew if we would last or even get to that stage anyway.

We were honest with each other from the very start. We continued to see each other and are both extremely happy. We had been to see a specialist about getting a reversal done as he had warmed to the idea of us having a baby together. Then he told me a few weekends ago that "I don't want any more children".

I'm lost. This is a man who has treated me better than any other I have ever known and I'm the happiest I've ever been. I adore him and the kids to the ends of the earth. We've discussed openly about getting married one day, where we want to live in 15 years time, once the kids have grown up, where we want to travel next, where our next camping and fishing trip will be etc.

My confusion is, that I am raising his children with him, as my own, along side of him. I don't understand why us having a child together is going to make a massive difference. I would like one of my own, because I'm not trying to take the place of the kids Mum.

We have both openly spoken about where we're at right now after his words and he's told me that this is something he's not willing to budge on. I've asked if it has anything to do with his ex (she cheated) and him not wanting kids to two different women (he's told me that was a concern a wile back), I've also asked if it was mentally difficult, in the sense he is very hands on and worked his butt off to support her from the time she fell pregnant with their first. He's told me that he loves our life the way it is, because we have the kids for half of the time and do wonderful exploring, but then we have our time and it's incredible. It's our time together.

I've asked if he's worried about going in for the reversal because it's more prodding and cutting at his manhood and he's told me no. It's a simple, 'He doesn't want to have any more'.

May I have some insight please, because I'd like us to have something that we've created together, especially when I'm raising his kids with him when their own Mumma isn't there.

To add fuel to the fire of confusion, I'm not 100% I want them. I have days. Days where I would love a little one, and then days where I can't imagine giving up our fantastic lifestyle. Were all of you Mummas 100% sure that you wanted kids?

I'd love some non-judgemental advice if possible please

Regular poster, name changed for this. I typed out a massive post before and the my iPad crashed so I'm going to post this in instalments!

OP I was in a similar situation to you. I met the man of my dreams age 34, and on date 5 he told me he'd had a vasectomy. He didn't actually have any children, but had decided years previously that he never wanted them. But he said that having met me, he was rethinking this.

We had totally fallen for eachother, so walking away at that point didn't seem like an option. He booked an appointment to discuss a vasectomy reversal, but it got cancelled due to holiday, and didn't get rescheduled. I mentioned it a few weeks later, and he said that on reflection he'd realised that he didn't think he wanted kids after all.

By this time we'd had an offer accepted on a house. Looking back it was crazy, but I was totally in love and couldn't see beyond that. So we moved in, and began our lives together, conveniently ignoring this elephant in the room. We were very happy - had a lovely life - holidays, laughs, shared interested - it was great.

But we knew it wouldn't go away, and I knew that I would start to resent him if I remained childless for him. He would enjoy his life - hobbies and so on - and I would for ever be looking at families and thinking what I'd sacrificed. I already dreaded meeting friends and hearing those words "I have some news..."

But neither of us could bear to walk away. We were so happy in every other way. I knew if we split then it would take me ages to be ready to meet someone else as I'd be so upset. And I may not be able to have kids by then anyway. So I'd have no kids, and I'd have lost the best relationship I'd ever had. He felt the same.

So we came up with a bizarre plan. I would go to a fertility clinic and have treatment using donor sperm. If it worked, we'd split up. If it didn't work, then I would accept childlessness (like everyone with infertility has to), but it wouldn't be his fault, so there'd be no blame and no resentment. We'd live our lives and be happy together.

So that's what we did. I had several rounds of IVF treatment, and in between appointments we just lived our lives as normal. It was a bit surreal looking back, but we were happy.

Eventually it worked - I got pregnant, and my ex seemed happy. I kidded myself that he'd come around to the idea of fatherhood, but he didn't, so I moved out. My ex regretted it and begged me to come back. But I knew it was only really me he wanted, not DS, who was a few weeks old at that point.

13 years later - I have 2 kids now, donor conceived, and I'm a happy single mum. My ex is happily married to a woman who also never wanted children. We never fell out, we just knew we wanted different things. Splitting was the best decision for us. I have since met someone who I am actually much more compatible with, but it's only been 1.5 years and we don't live together, so it's early days. And not really relevant!

I have no advice for you OP, but that's my story.

One word of warning though - I briefly looked into the idea of egg freezing, and certainly back then it wasn't really done, except for people having cancer treatment. Or for celebrities - when it was prohibitively expensive. Success with frozen eggs is very low I believe, so as far as I'm aware I wouldn't consider it a particularly useful option.

If it worked, we'd split up. If it didn't work, then I would accept childlessness (like everyone with infertility has to), but it wouldn't be his fault, so there'd be no blame and no resentment.

That was a really sensible plan.

He is happy with things the way they are. Yes he was honest but he is not more concerned with your happiness than his own. I would leave him and find someone else. At his age the likelihood he will find a single women without kids thats happy with this situation is small. He will end up with more kids they just won’t be his own and if he wants to marry he will move into a house with kids or he can date around until he is older and the kids move out. Why should you be the only one to sacrifice? His options are just as limited as the ones he presented to you, leave and let him realize it, by that time you probably won’t care because you’ll have another willing person and hopefully a baby.

It is not entirely true to say OP knew from the start. Two years ago they got together and he was doubtful about having another kid but since then they have been discussing a reversal of the vasectomy. It is only weeks since he has said he definitely does not want a child - so two years of this woman's reproductive years, and them building a life together, with her beginning to love his kids - perhaps a bit of future faking on his part there in order to secure the relationship. OP is tied in now and its very hard to leave.

ZOMBIE THREAD

I was in your situation 15 years ago. My partner wanted a child with me and had a reversal but it didn't work. Broke my heart. We ended up adopting 2 children and life is ok but l do often reflect on the choices l made and the huge impact they had on my life. However, l think it is still important to remember that whatever you do there are no guarantees in life. If you leave you may not meet someone you love as much and you still may not have a child. It's a tough call and having been there myself l really feel for you.

I would leave. My daughter is the best thing that happened to me and I wouldn't give that up for nobody.

I am in the same situation. I want to ask you how’d things go with you since you asked this question 4 years ago.

Gosh I hate it when these Zombies pop up as I wonder what happened in the end!!

Your situation was exactly mine 15 years ago. I met the most amazing guy who had two children and a vasectomy. I was so in love I did not really think about the future. However, after a while I started longing for a baby. He had a reversal but by then I was late 30s and we never managed to conceive. However, we did go on to adopt two children.

I can sometimes feel sad that I never carried my own child etc but I suppose the big difference between my situation and yours is that my partner did absolutely everything in his power to give me a child, including 3 rounds of IVF. So, I can't really resent him. It was my choice but it was a tough one.

I really really feel for you having been in the same place but I think you need to closely look at what is most important for you. Very few people get everything they want in life. You might meet someone else and have children but then you might not have such a good relationship with your partner as you do with this one. All very hard choices but it does boil down to that - your choice - and whatever you choose life still might not turn out exactly how you want it to.

ZOMBIE ZOMVIE ZOMBIE