Help! My partner doesn't want anymore children

[99hippos]

Hi everyone,

I'm in a dilemma and was wondering if I could have some wise words or experiences, whether they are personal or through friends.

I met my wonderful partner 2 years ago. I am 34 and he is almost 39. He has two wonderful children to his ex (4 & 7). We have the little ones 50% of the time and his ex is amazing. Herself, my partner and I get along amazingly and I know I am so very, very lucky to have it that way. If I say 'the kids', I'm talking about his, but I adore them with everything I have*.

On our second date he asked me flat out 'Do you want kids one day?'. I answered quickly with a big 'yes'. I saw his face, full of either sadness or disappointment. I stated 'Your face is telling me that you don't want any?', to which he replied "I've had a vasectomy". I was at a point then and there, that I would just give this a go and see how it all went after hearing stories that sometimes people change their minds, and who knew if we would last or even get to that stage anyway.

We were honest with each other from the very start. We continued to see each other and are both extremely happy. We had been to see a specialist about getting a reversal done as he had warmed to the idea of us having a baby together. Then he told me a few weekends ago that "I don't want any more children".

I'm lost. This is a man who has treated me better than any other I have ever known and I'm the happiest I've ever been. I adore him and the kids to the ends of the earth. We've discussed openly about getting married one day, where we want to live in 15 years time, once the kids have grown up, where we want to travel next, where our next camping and fishing trip will be etc.

My confusion is, that I am raising his children with him, as my own, along side of him. I don't understand why us having a child together is going to make a massive difference. I would like one of my own, because I'm not trying to take the place of the kids Mum.

We have both openly spoken about where we're at right now after his words and he's told me that this is something he's not willing to budge on. I've asked if it has anything to do with his ex (she cheated) and him not wanting kids to two different women (he's told me that was a concern a wile back), I've also asked if it was mentally difficult, in the sense he is very hands on and worked his butt off to support her from the time she fell pregnant with their first. He's told me that he loves our life the way it is, because we have the kids for half of the time and do wonderful exploring, but then we have our time and it's incredible. It's our time together.

I've asked if he's worried about going in for the reversal because it's more prodding and cutting at his manhood and he's told me no. It's a simple, 'He doesn't want to have any more'.

May I have some insight please, because I'd like us to have something that we've created together, especially when I'm raising his kids with him when their own Mumma isn't there.

To add fuel to the fire of confusion, I'm not 100% I want them. I have days. Days where I would love a little one, and then days where I can't imagine giving up our fantastic lifestyle. Were all of you Mummas 100% sure that you wanted kids?

I'd love some non-judgemental advice if possible please

Everyone who is saying he told her from the second date - no, he didn't. He told her he'd had a vasectomy, not that he didn't want any more children

He brought up the subject up, and he made it clear that making babies wasn't going to be part of their deal. He is past the baby making part of his life. Considering the number of men who keep making new families with new women right through their 30's 40s and sometimes 50s, his clarity is pretty strong. Yes, he briefly wavered. But he was upfront, and hasn't changed.

I think most women over 30 who want children of their own would have NEVER have allowed the relationship to get started with a man who was so up front about not wanting children. Most men wouldn't bring it up on a 2nd date; he didn't want to get over involved if she definitely wanted children. It's one of the reasons I'm not convinced she really wants one, at least not in the short term.

Coyote - the OP says he only said "I've had a vasectomy" on the second date. Not categorically that he didn't want any more. She could have read it that it was a shame but I've had a vasectomy so can't, not that he didn't want more. He doesn't state that - at least the OP doesn't make that clear. He only says it categorically a few weekends ago.

This is in the OP: On our second date he asked me flat out 'Do you want kids one day?'. I answered quickly with a big 'yes'. I saw his face, full of either sadness or disappointment. I stated 'Your face is telling me that you don't want any?', to which he replied "I've had a vasectomy".

He didn't say outright no, I don't want any more on date 2, even if that was his thoughts.

I left a 5 year relationship for the same reason.

Annielouise it dosen't matter what he said on Date 2 because he has had a vasectomy and far more importantly he said:

Then he told me a few weekends ago that "I don't want any more children".

Couldn't be clearer than if he dressed up as the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and slapped you round the face with a book called "No Kids Here Thanks".

the OP says he only said "I've had a vasectomy" on the second date. Not categorically that he didn't want any more. She could have read it that it was a shame but I've had a vasectomy so can't, not that he didn't want more. He doesn't state that - at least the OP doesn't make that clear. He only says it categorically a few weekends ago. @Annielouise you're bang on and thanking for not making assumptions.

Just to fill in the gaps here, he never said 'I 100% do not want anymore children' until a couple of weekends ago. The 2nd date comment was exactly as I've written, 'I've had a vasectomy'. No further comment to say I never, ever want any more children.

As much as there a great positive comments on here, there are quite alot of assumptions about my life. ie @OkPedro I actually was living with my sister who was suffering horendous PND. I was working and supporting us all financially so she didn't have to and gave her 'Mummy pamper' days where I looked after her babies so she could go out. I cooked, cleaned and pretty much did what I believed a husband would have done in that situation. I was there when the kids were sick, when my sister was sick, first days of preschool etc. That is what's harsh.

The whole point of me writing on here is NOT to try and CONVINCE a man to change his mind. This was about ME. ME only.

Hindsight, yep, I shouldn't have pursued this relationship, I should have asked the question 'So I get you've had a vasectomy, but does that mean you're 100% ruling out more kids forever?'. FFS, if I had of thought of all of this at the time I wouldn't be here.

One of the comments of 'Women are great at listening, but hear what they want', well I heard and listened quite clearly. I heard "I've had a vasectomy", not "I don't want anymore children ever and YOU need to decide where this goes".
Rather than manifest crap in my head, I went with what this wonderful man was telling me and thought I'd see where it went.

I have a positive outlook on life and met a man who deserved to be loved. He was/is trusting and shown me love like no one ever has. If me not making assumptions, not reading between the lines and pushing for questions, knowing of wonderful people who've changed their minds about more kids etc or giving a bloke on the first date the 'So, my clock is ticking, you want a kids or what?' chat, then looks like my naievity is forever going to rule my life.

Again, thank you to the people who've given me constructive advice and tried to keep it black and white as one has mentioned.

Have your own kid
It's not fair to expect you to do anything else

I'm going to be very blunt here, OP (only because I'm trying to give a useful view).

If you wouldn't jump at the chance to have a child tomorrow, then you shouldn't have one. Children should be intensely wanted, in my view.

You are in a relationship with a wonderful man, and have great kids in your life. As someone who is in a relationship with a man who has children from a previous relationship (and no children of my own), you can love other people's children very very much. And in some ways, better than their parents (because the bond is different).

Of course it's your decision. But from what you are saying, I think you'd be a fool to lose all that for something you are not even sure about.

@distancecall THANK YOU!! I don't mind blunt views, so that is a genuine thank you. To the point and not personal, I appreciate that outlook and your experience.

@YouSaySidewalkISayPavement
Couldn't be clearer than if he dressed up as the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and slapped you round the face with a book called "No Kids Here Thanks".
Hence me posting here and asking on personal experience.....

He didn't say outright no, I don't want any more on date 2, even if that was his thoughts
My thoughts exactly @annielouise I know a number of people who have said they never wanted kids, then had them. Minds are a wonderful thing and can be changed on their own.

@Iris65 I'm so sorry to hear about that and hope it all works out for you

@CoyoteCafe
*He brought up the subject up, and he made it clear that making babies wasn't going to be part of their deal. He is past the baby making part of his life. Considering the number of men who keep making new families with new women right through their 30's 40s and sometimes 50s, his clarity is pretty strong.
No he didn't make it clear. If he had said "I've had a vasectomy and I never, ever want anymore children", that is clear.

Yes, he briefly wavered. But he was upfront, and hasn't changed.
Yes it did change, on his own. He organised for us to go and see a specialist as I stated.

THIS PART, thank you for this @coyotecafe, another point I hadn't thought of
*ave you considered having eggs harvested? You are the right age to do it, and it would give the option of creating a baby at a later time, either with a different partner who wanted one or on your own with a sperm donor. It would removed the ticking clock of your biology, and might help you make a more clear headed decision.

You sound like you are very happy with the way things are right now. I honestly think he sounds like a great guy. You don't sound like you want a baby now; you sound like you may be want to have one some day. Harvesting eggs would let you hedge your bets.*

@99hippos I'm glad that ideal of egg harvesting appeals to you. I hope that everything works out well for you, and that you find your happiness.

It does sound like you and your DP are good communicators but this is a big issue where the emotions of it could cloud that communication.

Would you consider having some counselling together so that you can each explain how you feel with a third party mediating that conversation?

In my view you need to reconcile yourself to the idea that you cant have children with this man. I guess he had his vasectomy shortly after his second DC was born? In which case the chances of a reversal working are declining. On average it is only 50:50 that it will work.

So staying with him means not having children with him.

But leaving him with the idea of meeting someone else who does want children seems to be a high risk strategy. No guarantees at all. Statistically the pool you will be fishing in will be quite small. Think of your 'would like to meet' profile - male, mid-late 30s, fertile, wants to start a family pretty soon.

Alternatively you could strike out on your own with all the hard work and heart ache that could bring.

Or you could stay with your DP in the life you have now which does look to me like a good and loving relationship.

Whatever you choose will be a compromise.

@GnomeDePlume I think we talk really, really well. We have our bad day every now and then too.
It's definitely something we've spoken about and he has said he would go to a mediator. I personally feel like we've been brutally honest about all questions and responses at this stage though.

You're correct, he had his vasectomy when she was one (roughly 4 months after his wife cheated and they ended).

No guarantees at all. Statistically the pool you will be fishing in will be quite small. Think of your 'would like to meet' profile - male, mid-late 30s, fertile, wants to start a family pretty soon

Again, you're right on the money and that doesn't make it look so good at all!

At this stage, or even any time in the future, it would likely take me years to get over him which in a nutshell isn't a good start for me and also completely unfair to anyone that I meet along the way.

Thank you for writing

Hi Op, I would never sacrifice possibility of having children for a relationship. It will be especially painfull for you as you witness your OH being a great dad to other womens children...There will be thoughts why could he do it with her but not with you..Not having a family on your own is a HUGE decision and it's grossly unfair that YOU have to make it..He has it all!

My DH has a daughter from previous marriage. We met 4years post his divorce. I wasn't sure about children initially but seeing him with his DD, what a great father he was I started to want one! He thought about if for a while as his DD was a teenager already but ultimately he told me that he loved me, wanted to be with me and of course he understood that in my 30s I might want kids and that he won't denay me that. We now have a 2year old DS and my DH is up for a 2nd but I'm NOT! As much as I love my DS I will stick to one (he still doesn't sleep through the night so I'm too tired to contamplate more of this..ever). Having our DS had made the relationship stronger but it's not easy..I didn't expect how much things would change and I'm so much more touched that my DH was prepared to do it all again for me/us.

You are potentially looking at a life full of regret and resentment..Don't do this for a men who can't contamplate extra few years of dipers and tiredness..

If I was dating a man who had a vasectomy, there is no way on earth I’d be assuming he’d be up for having further children - I fact, quite the opposite.

Why would OP think it was a possibility? Denial? Hoping he’d change his mind? Not bothered herself about having kids?

I think the biological clock starts to tick loudly in early to mid-30’s & is a very strong force which can’t be reckoned with. Maybe OP is now being honest with herself about what she wants.

And there are plenty of people who meet mid-30’s & go on to have children. It’s not unusual.

Thanks for coming on and clarifying some things 99Hippos. I couldn't believe how many extrapolated "I've had a vasectomy" to a categorical no. It wasn't a categorical no on that second date, as so many said, otherwise presumably he'd have phrased it "I don't want any more kids and anyway I've had a vasectomy" - i.e. something unambiguous. Ironic how some have said women hear what they want to hear when they've done the same thing! Terrible comprehension.

YousaysidewalkIsayPavement: "Couldn't be clearer than if he dressed up as the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and slapped you round the face with a book called "No Kids Here Thanks"." This is rubbish. It did matter what he said on the second date as loads of people were saying he said a categorical no then. My point was he didn't (as now backed up by 99Hippos). The other point I was making was he only said no categorically a few weeks ago so I'm not sure what you're on about this being more important - I'd already pointed out he'd only said no categorically a few weekends ago. It was only a few weeks ago which is why 99Hippos is now asking on MN!

MoreProsecco: it's common knowledge vasectomies can be reversed so my first thought wouldn't be we can't necessarily have kids. The earlier it's reversed after the vasectomy the more successful it is - up to 50% chance of getting pregnant. Given he was only mid 30s too not too far-fetched to think he might want a second family after splitting with his first wife (also because most women he'd be meeting would be of an age of wanting a family themselves).

Sorry you're in this situation 99Hippos. It's a shame he didn't say a categorical no 2 years ago rather than leaving it open-ended. You've a lot to weigh up. I think if you left him though he might consider changing his mind but you couldn't do it as a game-play, you'd have to be clear in your mind that you were leaving. With hindsight he should have been clearer, at least saying I'm not 100% sure but it's more than likely I won't want any more, and you shouldn't have got involved. But that's hindsight. I wish you well.

Men have it easy. They can have children any time they like and don't even have to care for them. Really hate it when a man who already has children 'denies' a woman the chance to even have one child!
Time to walk!

I think although the relationship is good atm ultimately it is doomed.

You both want different things and even if you decide to try and stay in the end it will come back and drive a huge wedge between you.

The sooner you leave the sooner you can find an equally great guy who does want to make a family.
Your pool of men you are looking at is huge. Guys don't have to be older than you, they don't have to be childfree, they don't have to have never been married. They just have to want you and want kids and you want them in return.

Whilst you continue this relationship the only thing that is changing is how much time you have left

99hippo I could have written your post. My partner at the time (now husband) was absolutely adamant that he did not want any more children.
He had DC with his ex wife & had a vasectomy afterwards. I had Dc with my ex husband, but was desperate to have a child with him. It was a such a strong yearning feeling.
We talked about it for such a long long time, until there was nothing else left to say. Then I left it & never mentioned it again.
One day out of the blue he came home from visiting his work colleagues house (the work colleagues wife had just had a baby) & said that when he held the baby, it stirred up such strong feelings that he was not expecting. He said if I can feel that way over work colleagues baby, imagine how I would feel about our own.
Long story short,he had the vasectomy reversed & we are now the proud parents of the most amazing little boy, who is the complete apple of both mine & my DH life, all of our children absolutely adore him too.
Incidentally, we were talking not long ago & i said to DH are you glad that we had DS & he said. It was the best decision I ever made (apart from being with you)
I wish you well OP & send you lots & lots of love xxx

I think you need to walk away if you can't imagine life without your own child, sorry. It'll cause immense resentment if you stay. You also need to consider that the gamble of staying with him and settling for stepkids will only pay off if you're with him for the rest of your lives, as if you split you'll almost definitely lose these kids you've loved and helped raise. I would not bet my future happiness on being with this man for the rest of your days when you're already dealing with a fundamental incompatibility.

My ex and I split as he wasn't ready for kids and didn't know when or if he would be, I was only 28 but knew I wasn't gonna be able to happily let go of having my own family someday for a guy, however great the guy is. I figured I'll love my eventual child someday many times more than I loved this man I was with but who I resented for holding me back.

Sure you could leave and not find anyone to have kids with but at least you have a chance that way. You're in control of your own future. Your pool is massive, you're looking for a guy of ANY age who wants kids and wants them with you. I've known women in their late thirties get with guys in their early twenties as they were both excited to have a family.

I met an amazing guy a couple of weeks (!) later and although we've only been together a year and a half were very happy and he talks about future kids all the time, we have a solid plan for when to TTC and he's already saving money for our future children. Sure it could go wrong still before kids but if I'd stayed I'd still be with a man I resented for holding me back from kids with no hope of having them in the future. Take control. I think you know deep down you need to leave unless you can hand on heart say you're happy never having children. And if you felt that way I don't think you'd be posting here or agonising.

The facts of vasectomy reversal is that it comes with risk. It isn't trivial surgery. It is a 2-4 hour operation done under spinal or GA. So there is the general risk of surgery. There is the risk of post operative pain. 1/10 men experience long term pain after vasectomy so I can't imagine a reversal will be a lower risk.

So after all that risk there's a 50:50 or lower chance that it will even work.

@99Hippos ultimately whatever you choose it is going to result in some grief which you will have to deal with. Stay with your DP and you will grieve the child/children you won't have. Leave the relationship then you will grieve for its loss. You may also end up grieving for child/children you don't have because it just doesn't work out for you.

IMO grief isn't something you can compare. I don't think it is possible to say this grief is worse than that grief.

If you do decide to stay in the relationship then I think some joint counseling would help.

It is a difficult decision you have to make and I don't envy you it.

I find myself in a similar situation here, have been with DP for nearly 2 years. He has older children with his ex with whom he'd been for 20 years, he is nearly 50. I am mid-thirties. He had told me at the beginning that he would definitely wait with having a child with me for at least 5 years to see how we get along, because that's how long he'd been with his ex and then things did not work out after all.
We have not discussed the subject again.
We get on very well and I see myself spending the rest of my life with him. Should I just wait for it happen or bring the subject up again?

User, I would start you own thread as this may get lost.

What I would suggest though is you bring it up with him.

Do you want them?

His decision to wait for 5 yrs means you potentially will struggle to conceive by the time it comes along. I am assuming you will be late 30s.

Those 5 yrs are crucial for you and nothing for him. You need to decide if you are willing to risk it.