Help! My partner doesn't want anymore children

[99hippos]

Hi everyone,

I'm in a dilemma and was wondering if I could have some wise words or experiences, whether they are personal or through friends.

I met my wonderful partner 2 years ago. I am 34 and he is almost 39. He has two wonderful children to his ex (4 & 7). We have the little ones 50% of the time and his ex is amazing. Herself, my partner and I get along amazingly and I know I am so very, very lucky to have it that way. If I say 'the kids', I'm talking about his, but I adore them with everything I have*.

On our second date he asked me flat out 'Do you want kids one day?'. I answered quickly with a big 'yes'. I saw his face, full of either sadness or disappointment. I stated 'Your face is telling me that you don't want any?', to which he replied "I've had a vasectomy". I was at a point then and there, that I would just give this a go and see how it all went after hearing stories that sometimes people change their minds, and who knew if we would last or even get to that stage anyway.

We were honest with each other from the very start. We continued to see each other and are both extremely happy. We had been to see a specialist about getting a reversal done as he had warmed to the idea of us having a baby together. Then he told me a few weekends ago that "I don't want any more children".

I'm lost. This is a man who has treated me better than any other I have ever known and I'm the happiest I've ever been. I adore him and the kids to the ends of the earth. We've discussed openly about getting married one day, where we want to live in 15 years time, once the kids have grown up, where we want to travel next, where our next camping and fishing trip will be etc.

My confusion is, that I am raising his children with him, as my own, along side of him. I don't understand why us having a child together is going to make a massive difference. I would like one of my own, because I'm not trying to take the place of the kids Mum.

We have both openly spoken about where we're at right now after his words and he's told me that this is something he's not willing to budge on. I've asked if it has anything to do with his ex (she cheated) and him not wanting kids to two different women (he's told me that was a concern a wile back), I've also asked if it was mentally difficult, in the sense he is very hands on and worked his butt off to support her from the time she fell pregnant with their first. He's told me that he loves our life the way it is, because we have the kids for half of the time and do wonderful exploring, but then we have our time and it's incredible. It's our time together.

I've asked if he's worried about going in for the reversal because it's more prodding and cutting at his manhood and he's told me no. It's a simple, 'He doesn't want to have any more'.

May I have some insight please, because I'd like us to have something that we've created together, especially when I'm raising his kids with him when their own Mumma isn't there.

To add fuel to the fire of confusion, I'm not 100% I want them. I have days. Days where I would love a little one, and then days where I can't imagine giving up our fantastic lifestyle. Were all of you Mummas 100% sure that you wanted kids?

I'd love some non-judgemental advice if possible please

I do think that trying to find a disinterested party to talk this through with would be beneficial for you. He doesnt want more children. That he went through with a vasectomy before you indicates this is pretty definite for him.

So the questions you have to answer for yourself are:

• Do you want children above a relationship with your DP?
• Do you want children above a relationship with anyone?
• What happens if you cant find a new person to have a child raising relationship with or donor insemination doesnt work?

Think about what you would gain from walking away from this relationship but also think what you would lose.

Me and my ex broke up for the same reason. He had two children from his previous relationship. I had none. I didn't think I wanted any to be honest but then hit 36 and was suddenly extremely broody. Give him his due he really really thought about it for months and months and finally said no, he was done, and we split up.

Me my fiancé soon afterwards and we had our first at 37, then three miscarriages and our second at 40. I've just had another pregnancy loss at 42 as I would love a third child but sadly for me I think I've run out of time.

Don't hang around in the hope he will change his mind. If having your own family is important to you then you need to walk away or else you will hit your forties and resent him.

He was honest with you from the start. You were unreasonable to stay in the hope that he might change his mind later down the line tbh. All the posters saying that he's unreasonable are wrong, he has a right to his feelings, had had a vasectomy so his position was very clear from the start and he was honest about it. If this was a problem for the OP she should have walked away then and there but she didn't. If they split it will be her decision and nothing to do with him.

And the reality is that there are no guarantees in life. If you love someone with all your heart is a hypothetical child which may never actually happen more important than that? FWIW reversals are notoriously unsuccessful anyway.

As a stepmum now with my own baby no matter how much you love your stepkid, it's not the same. At all. Don't give up your chance for children of your own for this guy. You'll always resent him.

I don't understand why us having a child together is going to make a massive difference

This stood out from your post and shows breath taking level of naivety op! A child is an enormous financial and emotional commitment and 'I don't want one' is really all that needs to be said. Sorry op but I think you need to leave. Your posts sound like someone who wants children, he doesn't. It's awful for you but in my experience people don't change their minds on this in their 30's.

I'm not 100% I want them. I have days. Days where I would love a little one, and then days where I can't imagine giving up our fantastic lifestyle.

I was 100% sure I wanted children.

One of my children has autism. The other was very high need as a baby. I honestly think that if you had a baby, you would be in for a huge shock. You started with an easy 2 and 5 year old, and only 50% of the time. You don't have any idea what an infant 24/7 is like. There is ALWAYS a risk of special needs, and the older the parents, the more likely. With a disability like autism, everything in life revolves around it for the next 20 years.

I don't understand why us having a child together is going to make a massive difference

because you don't understand the difference between parenting 50% of the time and 100%. Creating a new life is a total crap shoot and you can get anything. The age one has their last child impacts the age they can retire. It would impact his children when they are with him. Having a new baby can blow up a relationship.

If you want a baby, drop the relationship. But really think about it before you do, because right now you don't seem very realistic about what having a baby is like.

He is telling you why it will make a difference he likes his life at the moment because HE has everything he wants. He has his children with his ex wife who he has a good relationship with and then he has a great time without children with you

So really its what you want and makes you happy

My SIL was similar met someone who had kids and who did not want anymore but she is (and always has been) adamant she did not want kids so for the most part it works for her. BUT noticeably as they age and she has realised that the financial and emotional support does not stop and the fact that she will never be number one in his life she finds it hard and does not understand because she does not have kids herself.

Love the opinions, it's making things much clearer on this end with complete strangers opinions

@seacabbage Our time together along with the shared time with the kids are definitely key things that we love about our life at the moment.

@ShatnersWig He had never repeatedly tell me that he didn't want anymore children, he in fact was the one who suggested we look in to a specialist etc, I was quite happy with how things were going. It was once we had that specific appointment that I felt he had changed him mind with no influence from me. I also don't feel like I have wasted 2 years of my life, he's in fact restored some faith that there are amazing men out there.
but if he loved you enough he would be prepared to put his own feelings aside @CockacidalManiac
I agree that he shouldn't put his feelings aside to sacrifice something for me.
@user1471449805 We've openly discussed marriage and that is something I know he's 100% committed too (it won't be happening until I'm 110% in my decision), he's not the type of guy to be with me wasting even his own time if he weren't committed to me. I genuinely believe that he simply doesn't want anymore children hence his vasectomy before he even met me.

@KityGlitr, that's the thing, if he did say 'Let's go get the reversal tomorrow', I'm not 100% sure that I would be jumping at the chance which is why I added the second last paragraph. I'm not 100% certain which is making this so difficult .

I never entered this relationship on the hope that one day he might one day change his mind. I was living in the moment and was incredibly happy. The happiest I've ever been in my life with a partner. It's easy to say that I should have walked away at that particular point, hindsight is a wonderful thing. I wanted to give this a go and see how it went, I have no regrets about my time spent with him.

@CoyoteCafe
One of my children has autism. The other was very high need as a baby
I cannot even begin to imagine what it would/is like for you and I admire the strength it would take on a every minute basis.
If you want a baby, drop the relationship. But really think about it before you do, because right now you don't seem very realistic about what having a baby is like.
I've helped raise my 2 wonderful nieces with my sister from day one of her coming home from the hospital (until they were 4 & 2). I've been woken up at 2am with friends who have newborns and are struggling with PND. I know they're hard work and feel the 'realistic' comment is a little harsh. Does any new Mum have a realistic idea of how life is going to be with a little one? These experiences are the ones that make my question whether I want it or not and add to my confusion.

@InDubiousBattle
This stood out from your post and shows breath taking level of naivety op!
Is it weird that after him and I had the initial talk, that I had worked out our financials to a point that he wouldn't have to change his work etc for how it is? I've got a fantastic job with great maternity plans and excellent family support.

I definitely agree that he is NOT unreasonable, he's been straightforward from day one, as had I.
In the whole scheme of things, he could have chosen to walk away from our 2nd date conversation too because I was honest with where I stood.

@SleepFreeZone I'm sorry to hear about your losses, it would be a tough hand to be dealt

@GnomeDePlume
*- Do you want children above a relationship with your DP?

• Do you want children above a relationship with anyone?
• What happens if you cant find a new person to have a child raising relationship with or donor insemination doesnt work?*

Thank you for these little questions, they've made my head a little clearer

99 looking after someone else's children even if you're related is so far from carrying, giving birth to and raising your own children.

I took care of my nieces and nephews from the age of 10 until I had my daughter when I was 25..shock doesn't cover it

You do sound very naive

this is very straightforward.

Do you want children? If yes, you must end this relationship and move on.

Is your love for your partner (and his children) such that it outweighs your desire for children of your own? If yes, then stay.

As an outsider observer, this is VERY clear and very straightforward. You need to end this relationship and look elsewhere for someone who wants to have children with you.

He has been honest and direct with you and doesn't want any more children.STOP right now any "but..but..but... he might change his mind". He won't.

@OkPedro
I miscarried with my previous partner at 24 weeks. I get I haven't physically carried the whole way and had a child. Can any brand new Mum be 100% prepared? I think not. Call me what you like, you're entitled to your opinion, but it's more admirable to keep an open mind considering I didn't want to bore everyone with my whole life story.

@YouSaySidewalkISayPavement
STOP right now any "but..but..but... he might change his mind". He won't.
I'm not attempting to change his mind, not in the slightest. This is all about what I am willing to sacrifice at this stage.

I really feel for you. Your partner may embedded negative beliefs about having more children that are triggered from the experience of his ex and thus make him resistant. He could simply just be certain he doesn't want more as it upsets the status quo and future 15 year plan. You too are now in doubt about what you want. Couple counselling might help explore it from both sides as it is now an elephant in the room of your relationship. You can't move forward unless you resolve this and feel at peace. An outside facilitator could help get to the heart of it. You could try exploring it yourselves in a what if way... What if we did have another child - imagine how that might be, who and what would it affect and how? What if we don't who and what would it affect and how? What might be good about it what might not be good about it etc.It means really digging deep into exploring how this affects you both and coming to a resolution - it could be that you separate or accept one of you will change your mind about what you are willing to accept from now on if you stay together.
Wishing you the very best of luck.

OP, whilst I agree that no-one really knows what they're letting themselves in for when they have a baby, this line: "I don't see why us having a child together is going to make a massive difference," does show spectacular naivety and lack of awareness.

Having another child when you already have a four and seven year old would make a massive difference regardless of whether that child was your first in a blended situation or a third child where you are biologically the parent to all of them. Because you are going back to the baby stage when you have two children who are now reaching a point of greater independence, going to school, past the sleepless nights, the potty training, the not being able to leave the house with a truck-load of baby stuff, and having another child is going back to all of that for another two-three years. This is why all families have their cut-off point as to how many children they want or when they feel they're done. And for your bf that cut-off point was two children.

And he didn't need to say anything. The onus was on you to decide whether you wanted to keep seeing him, because telling someone you've had a vasectomy makes a very clear statement - that you're done with having children.

Full disclosure - I'm someone for whom not wanting children would be an immediate deal breaker. I wouldn't be that impressed by the fact that he loves his life the way it is. Of course he loves his part time parenting life. I'm sure it sounds great. I would feel a bit like he wasn't going to sign up for anything difficult and wonder what that meant for challenges in the future.

@timeisnotaline
I hadn't thought about it from that point actually!

time I also thought that about the 'part time parenting'. It's very convenient for him and he gets the best of both worlds.

I don't think the OP is being as hugely naive as people say - those posts are getting slightly hysterical and smug. She probably has as good an idea as anyone can of what she's in for. No need for the lectures.

he could have chosen to walk away from our 2nd date conversation too

The relationship "as is" gives him everything he wants. He doesn't have a reasons to walk away.

He isn't going to give you a child. He's been clear on that from the beginning. He had already decided before he met you that he didn't want any more children and had a vasectomy.

This is the statement that makes you sound naïve:

"I don't understand why us having a child together is going to make a massive difference."

really, really naïve.

You have to make some decisions obviously.

He has it all, he has his children 50% of the time and then has 50% of the time with just you. Of course he is happy.

IF you split up in 5 years time, you probably won't see those children, no matter how much you love them. He will still have his children and you will have maybe given up the chance to have any.

I think he's being a bit selfish, even though he sounds like a nice man. He doesn't want children with you because he already has them, so his needs are met. I think if he didn't have any, he would want children with you. I would have more respect for him if he didn't have any children and told you he didn't want any. But to have them himself, obviously be a good dad etc but deny you the chance of having your own, I would struggle with that.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, as it's not meant to at all. Its just a big decision to give up having your own children so you have to be really sure.

@butterymuffin It's definitely a great point and one that I hadn't thought of. Thank you for the lecture point x

@coyotecafe This is the first time I've written on here, or anywhere for that matter, so l'll call it poor choice of words (head going crazy and thinking how to best get my point across).
I may 'look naive', but we're hugely getting off topic and I don't need the added lecture. I understand this will be the hardest thing in the whole world to take on, I completely get that. Completely.

@perfectly1mperfect Not harsh at all, I appreciate the comment The part where I started to struggle was when he was the one that suggested us going to see a specialist for a reversal, then changed his mind a few months later.