Help! My partner doesn't want anymore children

[99hippos]

Hi everyone,

I'm in a dilemma and was wondering if I could have some wise words or experiences, whether they are personal or through friends.

I met my wonderful partner 2 years ago. I am 34 and he is almost 39. He has two wonderful children to his ex (4 & 7). We have the little ones 50% of the time and his ex is amazing. Herself, my partner and I get along amazingly and I know I am so very, very lucky to have it that way. If I say 'the kids', I'm talking about his, but I adore them with everything I have*.

On our second date he asked me flat out 'Do you want kids one day?'. I answered quickly with a big 'yes'. I saw his face, full of either sadness or disappointment. I stated 'Your face is telling me that you don't want any?', to which he replied "I've had a vasectomy". I was at a point then and there, that I would just give this a go and see how it all went after hearing stories that sometimes people change their minds, and who knew if we would last or even get to that stage anyway.

We were honest with each other from the very start. We continued to see each other and are both extremely happy. We had been to see a specialist about getting a reversal done as he had warmed to the idea of us having a baby together. Then he told me a few weekends ago that "I don't want any more children".

I'm lost. This is a man who has treated me better than any other I have ever known and I'm the happiest I've ever been. I adore him and the kids to the ends of the earth. We've discussed openly about getting married one day, where we want to live in 15 years time, once the kids have grown up, where we want to travel next, where our next camping and fishing trip will be etc.

My confusion is, that I am raising his children with him, as my own, along side of him. I don't understand why us having a child together is going to make a massive difference. I would like one of my own, because I'm not trying to take the place of the kids Mum.

We have both openly spoken about where we're at right now after his words and he's told me that this is something he's not willing to budge on. I've asked if it has anything to do with his ex (she cheated) and him not wanting kids to two different women (he's told me that was a concern a wile back), I've also asked if it was mentally difficult, in the sense he is very hands on and worked his butt off to support her from the time she fell pregnant with their first. He's told me that he loves our life the way it is, because we have the kids for half of the time and do wonderful exploring, but then we have our time and it's incredible. It's our time together.

I've asked if he's worried about going in for the reversal because it's more prodding and cutting at his manhood and he's told me no. It's a simple, 'He doesn't want to have any more'.

May I have some insight please, because I'd like us to have something that we've created together, especially when I'm raising his kids with him when their own Mumma isn't there.

To add fuel to the fire of confusion, I'm not 100% I want them. I have days. Days where I would love a little one, and then days where I can't imagine giving up our fantastic lifestyle. Were all of you Mummas 100% sure that you wanted kids?

I'd love some non-judgemental advice if possible please

How long had you been together when he suggested a specialist ? Did he say why he changed his mind or do you think he wasn't really sure in the first place?

You sound to me like you're really fond of children, OP. I think you need to work out how to get some time and space on your own, to really deeply think, over the course of several months, at least, about whether you want to sacrifice being a mother for the sake of a man who hasn't had to sacrifice being a father. I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself about what the future could hold, as part of that process: like being there for every step of his kids growing up and seeing him and his ex become grandparents, but also the risk of the relationship ending after it's too late for you to have children, and losing contact with his children through no fault of your own.

@perfectly1mperfect We'd been together for 13months.
From what he's told me, he was trying to change his own mind to give me what I wanted, to make me happier.
Nothing has changed with relationship wise, I believe he's just had the time to properly process things.

@somerville Wise words and a great idea, thank you

I'm glad I didn't sound too harsh OP. That was the kind of thing that went through my mind when I remarried someone childfree. I'd never expected or planned another baby, but-
1/ Didn't seem fair that I'd get to experience things like becoming a grandparent, and he wouldn't.
2/ He was (is) such a caring and fun-loving step dad to my older kids that I suddenly realised that having a baby together would be a rather wonderful adventure.

I have my older kids 100% of the time, though, so didn't have to factor in about having half my life free of children. (Though I like children so that doesn't really register as an advantage... until now when I'm breastfeeding in the bloody middle of the night )

I literally think you should get away. A holiday on your own, or with girlfriends, and possibly even a trial separation. You're not going to be able to think clearly when you're with him every day. And long term it will be so destructive for the relationship if you're not both certain you stayed for the right reasons.

I really feel for you. Sometimes you can meet the perfect person but it's still not right because of circumstances/timing.

Do you think if you stayed with him you would ever resent him ? That could cause major problems down the line.

I can see both sides of this. I don't think either of you are being unreasonable but he had basically said he will not change his mind so I am guessing is willing to lose you over this.

@somerville Your wording is a little soothing I'll admit. It does make it difficult because he literally does have the perfect-ish life (if you can look at it from that point of view). Amicable relationship with the ex, kids half of the time and then us and our life.

A time out idea does feel like it would ease my need to have a response right now and I hope that your little one is treating you well!!

@perfectly1mperfect I appreciate your time in writing. The only time that I can see me having resentment towards him is if his ex were to ever say that the kids need to come to us 100%. I would never say no to that idea, nor would he, but I think I would be resentful in that sense. I feel as I am typing that sentence, it's not a good indication!
I don't think either of us are being unreasonable. Both honest from the start. In the large scheme of things, I didn't want to walk away from this without giving it a go, because I had heard of those stories that were an exception to the rule and went and got a reversal.

Would you consider private fertility testing for you? It might help the decision if you know you might have trouble conceiving/carry to term vs there being no biological issue for you.

@catinthecorner That's another point I hadn't thought of, thank you.

@Kittymum03 Your post isn't muddled or harsh, I think my head works on the same communication stage!

I appreciate you telling me about your story and I can sympathise with losing the relationship with the little one too. Our kids are a delight and I adore them to bits.

I hate that damn clock too! I have quite a large number of female friends who've had their first child 39+, so I try not let that get in my head if I can help it.

And thank you for my flowers, really lovely of you x

You need to decide whether your desire for children outweighs your love for him. If you can’t imagine your life never having your own child then you need to leave him and find someone to have a child with before it’s too late.

There is no guarantee that even if you tried to conceive it would happen.
I left my loving, caring, best friend and husband because I wanted sex (he is asexual). It was a huge mistake and I'm in the process of putting my life back together after four horrible years.

@OkPedro I think that was unduly harsh. I have 4 younger siblings 3, 5, 14 &19 years younger than me and really nothing surprised me a whole lot about the reality of having my own when my DTDs arrived.

What was unduly harsh? Saying that taking care of family is different to having your own children
Whether anything surprised you when you had your own children isn't the point. You were not fully responsible for your siblings. They weren't depending on you financially or emotionally.

Here's a few points to ponder:

• if you leave him to have kids, what if you don't meet anyone else? Would you go down the sperm donor/single mother by choice route? Or would you not have children?
• If you left him and won't go the sperm donor route, would you regret it, if you didn't meet anyone else?
• If you stay, give up your chance at children and then you break up in 5 years, would you be resentful?

It's a hard situation, but your relationship is also quite new, if you have only been together for 2 years ish. Also for him, he really does have it easy - going from having 50% of your time to yourself to having a newborn 100% of the time, I'm not surprised he doesn't want to go back. But he is in effect denying you something he has.

You need to respect the answer. His body, his choice. He told you from the get go.

I do imagine that there are those who leave loving relationships because of what they see as an impossible situation only to realise that things aren't always better on the other side.

The idea of e.g. Leaving a loving relationship to have children with a sperm donor and raise them as a single parent is unthinkable to me, and by no means do I think that children as a single parent is preferable to children in a relationship. And I'm talking about knowingly entering into pregnancy as a single parent, not when a relationship has broken down.

Equally though there are no guarantees in life, and at the OP's age chances are that most men she meets will have a history of their own and a good proportion of those won't want any more children, but many won't be honest about the fact from the beginning. And she doesn't even know that she will meet someone else. She could leave a man who loves her and who she loves and who has been honest with her about the fact that he'd had a vasectomy from the word go, and she might never meet anyone else, or by the time she does it might be too late, or she might never actually reach that point of deciding that she wants a baby anyway.

Chances are that if the partner had had his vasectomy reversed he may not have been able to father a child anyway. Would it still be ok then to leave the relationship because of his inability to have children?

You should walk away now if you want your own kids. You could be with this guy for years until you're no longer fertile and then he leaves you and you lose his kids. You still have time to meet someone and have your own!

This x 10000

Seen too many friends do the stepmum thing and then end up single and childless when its goes sour.

I am so sorry you are in this position. He has been completely honest with you, but that doesn't make it any easier.

As to whether you can be 100% sure you want them yourself: All I can say is that many women (not all, by any stretch of the imagination) regret never having had children, but it's very rare to find a woman who regrets having had them.

I hope you find a resolution to this one way or another, however difficult it may be.

Have you considered having eggs harvested? You are the right age to do it, and it would give the option of creating a baby at a later time, either with a different partner who wanted one or on your own with a sperm donor. It would removed the ticking clock of your biology, and might help you make a more clear headed decision.

You sound like you are very happy with the way things are right now. I honestly think he sounds like a great guy. You don't sound like you want a baby now; you sound like you may be want to have one some day. Harvesting eggs would let you hedge your bets.

DP
Definite decision no more children
He has his happy life, children & a currently happy relationship with you
Very black and white

OP
Would like children
You are not 100% happy
Your decisions seem "grey"

I think the problem is that you have not reached the black and white decision moment.

If you want children I dont think he is the man for you

If you stay, you will have to live with the current status quo

Everyone who is saying he told her from the second date - no, he didn't. He told her he'd had a vasectomy, not that he didn't want any more children. The OP then says he warmed to the idea and has only told her a few weeks ago that he definitely doesn't want any more.

I'm not saying he's strung her along but read her initial post properly. It's been up in the air for 2 years.

OP I would say whoever said if the two of you split up the two kids you love won't be in your life unless you were to split up when they were adults and they chose to keep in touch with you. However, that will naturally decrease the busier their lives get.

Also, in time these kids will marry and have their own children, who won't be your grandchildren and their own mother will have more of a claim on their time. How will that make you feel?

What a horrible situation for you. I think it's a very big sacrifice not having children if you think you want them. If things didn't work out between the two of you, you could end up with nothing really.