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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know how stupid I have been but I need help

78 replies

Onthedowns · 14/10/2017 17:21

So I have been really stupid , been married ten years together 18. Mid thirties so most of my life with same guy. Two children younger. Have had issues with DH for a while very different people becoming more apparent.

I work two party time jobs one public sector one in a bar - smart bar. Really enjoy it have a laugh etc. Anyway a regular I have got to know have s laugh . Walked home together a couple of times. STArted to like him he liked me. Jokey texts about jobs etc nothing esle. He works with premier footballers. I think what I knew was coming happened we kissed. He has a girlfriend too. Felt awful but alive and wanted - I know how wrong that is. We chatted etc nothing could happen stay friends all good but I still fancied him. Fast forward last night and another bar girl said he had asked for her number last week and Instagram account she’s just 18 attractive in a typical teen way. I am 37!! He’s 32.

I was furious I know I shouldn’t be no one knows about our friendship etc. I feel also like s total idiot like he spotted lonely fed up wife. I have no right to be jealous and it’s wrong that I am upset. It’s made me examine my relationship and given me a wake up call but where do I go from here. I haven’t told my H I don’t see the point. He hasn’t noticed anything different . We have house renovations busy lives children etc. He wasn’t worried about doing anything for our 10th wedding anniversary always worries about money doesn’t like debt.
He’s a great father and works hard I am just not sure if we have grown apart.

I know I was wrong with the other guy I still have to see him when I work and I feel like a twat for clearly being used. And treating my h like it. Where do I go from here

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 14/10/2017 17:31

You have a little chat with yourself in the corner about what's going on with you and your DH to see if your marriage can be worked on. Talk to him and see if he recognises things have been slipping.

Be friendly but distant with the bar dude. As in professional.

Forgive yourself for being an idiot, we all fuck up.

If you are unhappy in your marriage then separate and learn to co-parent well.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 14/10/2017 17:38

I don’t think I can be professional I am hypocritical but I think he just tries to get everything that moves into bed. Still trying with me and her. His girlfriend has no clue. Whenever we try and talk we argue can’t get out of the pattern

OP posts:
Stressalot42 · 14/10/2017 17:40

Not sure relevance of him working with premier footballers?

Not sure why you felt he used you? As you say you knew it was coming, enjoyed it etc.

You then realised that it’s stupid etc. I wonder if you wanted him to chase you and that’s why you’re jealous now?

Get over it, consider if you want to remain married. If you don’t finish it now, your DH does not deserve to be cheated on!

Being cheated on, hurts a lot!!!

Original poster
Onthedowns · 14/10/2017 17:56

I think he behaves like footballers he works with , he’s told me things they do. Jealous because of the attention yes o know this is wrong. I feel angry because I allowed myself to be used

OP posts:
CoyoteCafe · 14/10/2017 17:58

It's just a wake up call! He is an arse. If you can't just do your job and while seeing him for the player he is, change a different bar. Then don't repeat the pattern because now you know better. If you want to stay where you are, you could think of it as having magical glasses that now allow you to see him for what he is, and think about how lucky it ended with no harm done. That was a close call. You are lucky. Feel gratitude.

Tend your relationship. Start spending some time being a couple, doing things together than you enjoy doing together. With everything else going on, it can get hard to just make time to tend our relationship. But if you block out some time and just start having fun together, you could end up feel much happier in your relationship.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/10/2017 18:06

Did you want him to chase you?

He sounds like a typical player. He pursued you for a while; you were both in relationships with other people, you both knew what was going to happen. There was never any guarantee that he was usually faithful or only pursuing you.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 14/10/2017 18:16

I know that now but at the time the attention was flattering, I sent him a shitty text message - wrong I know but I had to . I know how ridiculous it sounds

OP posts:
Original poster
Onthedowns · 14/10/2017 18:27

I know how shitty it is to like someone esle and it’s not an excuse but our marriage isn’t great. But the alternative of leaving feels like a nightmare

OP posts:
Onecall · 14/10/2017 18:30

Did you sleep with this guy?

He doesn't owe you anything you know.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 14/10/2017 18:35

No and I know he doesn’t! But I can’t help how I feel! I know it doesn’t make sense

OP posts:
CamperVamp · 14/10/2017 19:15

You were not 'used '.
You are not a victim.
You were flirting and tbh sound needy. You KNEW what he was like because you know he has a girlfriend but you willingly kissed him. So why are you surprised he has been chasing someone else, too? Did you think it was True Love? Are you actually saying you would like him to carry on flirting with you and kissing you?

You can't be sending shitty texts, you will come across like a bunny boiler!

Do not humiliate yourself further by mooning after football cheat.

Have a serious think about your marriage. Talk to your DH about your relationship and how to keep
It 'live '. Or else admit that it has run its course and seperate.

Or decide to stay for the kids and do it with good grace and honour.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 14/10/2017 19:25

I can’t see how it’s bunny boiler but I was fuming at being used. I don’t know what I wanted which is wrong - I know . I think I was used I have never ever cheated on my partner in 18 years I was obviously needy yes which he picked up on. I get that - now! At the time it’s flattering. I am not the victim no his long term girlfriend is. Yes I am probably needy my marriage is far from great no excuse but I will only take 50% of the blame mu husbavd isn’t a saint

OP posts:
Original poster
Onthedowns · 14/10/2017 19:25

I didn’t know what he was like he said he never done it before

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 14/10/2017 19:27

You weren't used.

JoanLenin · 14/10/2017 19:30

If you agreed with this guy that nothing ever will happen between you only friendship then why are you surprised he is trying elsewhere?

GreenRut · 14/10/2017 19:31

Op. You weren't used! You wanted him to kiss you and he did. Then you both agreed it couldn't go any further, and it didn't. For you, that meant you felt guilty on your dh and presumably at some level wanted to address that. You don't get a say on what that meant for him. It could be he does this all the time, it could be he just wanted a kiss and nothing more from you, he might have wanted more but respected the fact you didn't want to take it further. Whatever his take on it, it has nothing to do with you. And you're in no position to be playing the moral high ground game here.

CoyoteCafe · 14/10/2017 19:31

I sent him a shitty text message - wrong I know but I had to

No, you didn't have to. You made a choice. Everything you've done was a choice. Own it, because until you realize that you are making bad choices that make YOU unhappy, you won't be able to make better ones that do make you happy.

You are making choices.

"I am probably needy my marriage is far from great no excuse but I will only take 50% of the blame mu husbavd isn’t a saint"

Are you saying your H is 50% responsible for you getting involved with another man? He isn't. You made a choice.

PinkHeart5914 · 14/10/2017 19:35

You weren’t used. You wanted this man to kiss you becuase you fancied him and now you don’t like it becuase he asked for another girls number Confused I mean come on love did you really think you were special to him?

You kissed another man behind your dh back, that isn’t just a “friendship” 😂 Imo you are a cheat with a huge lack of respect for your dh

Original poster
Onthedowns · 14/10/2017 19:38

No he isn’t responsible for that but the state of our marriage yes he is. I felt guilty yes did I want more yes. I know it’s wrong. I feel used because as soon as I stopped it my initiation he moved onto the next girl. I feel stupid as at my age I should know better. I haven’t played the dating game so I don’t know this is how it works, I never got the impression he was a player and yes the friendship did just happen. I never took the job looking for it and I wasn’t looking to cheat . I sent the message because I felt hurt wrongly yes but I am only humans. I knew mumsnet would be the wrong place but thought there might have been someone who had been in similar position

OP posts:
Original poster
Onthedowns · 14/10/2017 19:39

I don’t believe life’s as black and white as that I am afraid

OP posts:
L0quacious · 14/10/2017 19:40

you only kissed him, so you didn't ''allow yourself to be used''.

Normally if I read these threads and the advice is to work on your marriage I roll my eyes cos the marriage is patently so dead, but I get the feeling from this thread that maybe that is the solution.

Isetan · 14/10/2017 19:48

Being in an unfulfilling relationship doesn’t entitle you to a ‘free pass’. You’re angry because the fantasy didn’t last and all the talk that made you feel ‘special’, has been exposed as the obvious bullshit you chose to temporarily ignore.

Get a grip and do something about your relationship before your desperation sends out another distress signal to the next chancer to prop up the bar.

Onecall · 14/10/2017 19:49

How were you used if you kissed him then decided it couldn't go any further and you would just be friends?

strongasmeringue · 14/10/2017 19:52

How did he use you?

exhaustedmumof4 · 14/10/2017 19:55

I feel bad for you, I know how these things can creep up on us sometimes and yes it was very wrong but it was only a kiss; a flirtation that went too far. BUT: I am on the other side of this currently; my husband kissed one of his female friends on more than one occasion and they had feelings for each other and used to meet up without me knowing. He swears it didn't go further and it happened around 2 years ago and stopped when I got pregnant. This has brought our marriage to the brink of divorce and we are currently separated. Why? Because he lied to me. I asked him about this woman and he lied to my face over and over, she's just a friend, she's really nice, she's got a boyfriend, she's uglier than me, everything he could think of. If he had confessed I'd have been angry but I'd have a much easier time getting over it. As it is, I'm not sure I'll ever trust him again. My instincts were screaming that something was wrong and he flatly denied it each time. My advice would be to tell your husband. Tell him everything, how you've been feeling about the marriage and how this guy flattered you. Don't blame your husband, what you did is on you, but let him know your relationship needs work. Don't make the mistake of thinking he'll never find out, these things have a way of coming out eventually and if it does, so much more damage would be done.