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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know how stupid I have been but I need help

78 replies

Onthedowns · 14/10/2017 17:21

So I have been really stupid , been married ten years together 18. Mid thirties so most of my life with same guy. Two children younger. Have had issues with DH for a while very different people becoming more apparent.

I work two party time jobs one public sector one in a bar - smart bar. Really enjoy it have a laugh etc. Anyway a regular I have got to know have s laugh . Walked home together a couple of times. STArted to like him he liked me. Jokey texts about jobs etc nothing esle. He works with premier footballers. I think what I knew was coming happened we kissed. He has a girlfriend too. Felt awful but alive and wanted - I know how wrong that is. We chatted etc nothing could happen stay friends all good but I still fancied him. Fast forward last night and another bar girl said he had asked for her number last week and Instagram account she’s just 18 attractive in a typical teen way. I am 37!! He’s 32.

I was furious I know I shouldn’t be no one knows about our friendship etc. I feel also like s total idiot like he spotted lonely fed up wife. I have no right to be jealous and it’s wrong that I am upset. It’s made me examine my relationship and given me a wake up call but where do I go from here. I haven’t told my H I don’t see the point. He hasn’t noticed anything different . We have house renovations busy lives children etc. He wasn’t worried about doing anything for our 10th wedding anniversary always worries about money doesn’t like debt.
He’s a great father and works hard I am just not sure if we have grown apart.

I know I was wrong with the other guy I still have to see him when I work and I feel like a twat for clearly being used. And treating my h like it. Where do I go from here

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/10/2017 12:17

Op did you sleep with him?

You say you kissed only and decided to just be friends, so how do you feel used? It only makes sense if you shagged him. Jealous, sure, I get that, but not used. Used for a one off snog?

Original poster
Onthedowns · 15/10/2017 12:42

Like I says you have skipped the part where I said I was in the wrong , I know I feel awful but it’s where I go from here it’s a wake up call to my marriage. I am not blaming DH for what I did but the part on the state of my marriage yes. No I didn’t shag him I formed probably an unhealthy attachment as I was and am unhappy I know this now hard to see at the time

OP posts:
Emmageddon · 15/10/2017 13:14

This has been a wake-up call for you, it seems, and has made you realise how unhappy you are in your marriage. Have you thought about couples counselling with your DH? Maybe there's a chance you can get that spark back, if it was there at the start. If you decide your marriage is beyond repair, then take steps to separate, and guard yourself about getting involved with anyone else for a while.

Flowers
MadMags · 15/10/2017 13:16

Did you really think a man in a committed relationship flirting with the desperate housewife-esque barmaid was falling in love? I mean, really?

lolaflores · 15/10/2017 13:56

From what I see, emotionally you are still a teenager. YOu haven't had much experience with other men as an adult.
Perhaps you feel used because your expectation of what a kiss means was rooted in an immature view of the event.
You had a snog. Thought better of it. Move along, nothing to see here.

BubblingUp · 15/10/2017 14:18

Most women working in bars know the regulars are full of shit. They laugh with them enough to keep the tips flowing, but that's it.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 15/10/2017 14:22

I don’t het tipped it’s a restaurant pub I am not immature emotionally because of the kiss but the perhaps expectations of what could have been, yes I think I wouldn’t have much experience br My with one man my whole life

OP posts:
Rhubarbginn · 15/10/2017 14:29

You deserve a break op. I get how you feel. You got carried away with the attention and thrill and now perhaps feel a bit stupid.
I don't think you were used but I can see how you feel that way as you invested more emotionally in it then he did. It's not a nice feeling.
You're only human and when things are routine at home, it's easy to feel flattered and use it as an avenue to escape. You've obviously had a committed marriage and been loyal for many years, so this is just a slip. Try to focus on your dh, see if you can refresh your marriage. This was never about the other guy but about you.

lolaflores · 15/10/2017 15:54

Rhubarb I agree and I would also agree that working in pubs/hospitality it is more likely to stumble across oily charmers but I don't think tipping has a single thing to do with interaction with customers. Bar staff are expected to be amiable but that does not mean they are offered up as targets for passing assholes!
However, you might need to tune your radar for men who may come across as perfectly nice etc. but who's natural reflex is to hit on women and when it doesn't seem useful, look elsewhere.

SparklyMagpie · 15/10/2017 16:31

You havn't been usexat all, you've been foolish! You can't pin any blame on him or your husband

This is what happens...

SparklyMagpie · 15/10/2017 16:40

*used at all

SilverySurfer · 15/10/2017 17:12

If I wasn’t married then I would class him as a user, using me for all he could get then moving to the next one

But he didn't use you for all he could get did he - you both flirted with each other and had a kiss - it was consensual and a kiss can in no way be described as 'all he could get'.

If I were you I would be glad he moved on - you are jealous of this other girl but at least you didn't behave totally abominably by having sex with him. Find some self respect and talk to your DH about your relationship.

BishBoshBashBop · 15/10/2017 17:16

I know how shitty it is to like someone esle and it’s not an excuse but our marriage isn’t great. But the alternative of leaving feels like a nightmare

So you want your cake and eat it.

He hasn't used you.

SparklyMagpie · 15/10/2017 19:07

You're throwing your toys out the pram because you still wanted the attention from him, because he's not swooning over you.

That doesn't equal being used when you was game for it just as much as he was

Original poster
Onthedowns · 15/10/2017 22:10

The people that have misread what I have written , I don’t want my cake and eat it I have never looked or cheated before and won’t again. I think your all extremely lucky to be such perfect places in your life. I am not. Yes I was jealous of the attention going to someone. Didn’t say it was normal or I should be but I couldn’t help how I felt

OP posts:
BishBoshBashBop · 15/10/2017 22:35

I think your all extremely lucky to be such perfect places in your life. I am not.

I'm certainly not. You are certainly coming across as wanting everything for yourself.

He hasn't used you.

Stressalot42 · 15/10/2017 22:46

As bishbosh says I’m certainly not a a perfect place.... far bloody from it!

But you sound like you feel your behaviour is justified!

Original poster
Onthedowns · 15/10/2017 22:57

It’s not justified and I never said it was. And I don’t want everything fur myself!

OP posts:
Mary1935 · 16/10/2017 09:35

Go and lick your wounds and heal yourself. He didn't use you. -,are you upset that he moved onto a younger model - maybe some one more naive and vulnerable. He's a player - you fell for it - no one died!!!
Try and work out what you want and if you want to stay in the marriage talk to your husband on how to spice things up, try new activities together or date nights to reconnect.

0ccamsRazor · 16/10/2017 10:30

Use this situation as a huge wake up call Op, you sound as though you have some big decisions to make.

Would you consider counselling to help you decide which way you would like your life to go? It helps to explore your options in a safe and holding environment.

You do not have to rush into anything, but taking time to consider your options would be prudent. This life is too short to be spent with regrets.

The situation with your marriage does need to be looked at, a certain amount of integrity is needed for your own peace of mind not just out of respect for your husband.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 16/10/2017 19:16

I think counselling is a good idea although not sure if I could afford it! But I will look into it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Onthedowns · 23/10/2017 05:25

So I have gone away for a few days, the other man I have seen once just politely said hello starting to feel better. No need to tackle my marriage

OP posts:
springydaffs · 23/10/2017 06:27

No need to tackle your marriage? What does that mean op. You may have dodged a bullet but it surely highlighted your marriage is not in the best of health...

KungFuEric · 23/10/2017 06:47

Did your younger colleague engage in giving him her number?

TammyswansonTwo · 23/10/2017 07:06

I can understand why you feel used, even if in reality that's not what happened.

From your point of view, you formed a close bond with this guy. He made you feel as though you had a genuine connection, and perhaps somewhere in your head you felt that this could develop into something meaningful. He played on that. You kissed and then stopped it - let's not pretend this guy wouldn't have had sex with you if he could.

But as soon as you stopped it, he immediately moved on to pursuing someone else which makes the fact that you felt special feel foolish, because really he's just trying to get laid and isn't overly choosy about who it's with.

You've had a lucky escape here OP. This guy is a nasty piece of work, desperate to cheat on his girlfriend, playing on your emotions to get what he wanted. Try and focus on the fact that he didn't (I'm sure a kiss isn't the only thing he wanted) and use this as an opportunity to work on your marriage if you want to, or just leave.