I know how stupid I have been but I need help

[Onthedowns]

So I have been really stupid , been married ten years together 18. Mid thirties so most of my life with same guy. Two children younger. Have had issues with DH for a while very different people becoming more apparent.

I work two party time jobs one public sector one in a bar - smart bar. Really enjoy it have a laugh etc. Anyway a regular I have got to know have s laugh . Walked home together a couple of times. STArted to like him he liked me. Jokey texts about jobs etc nothing esle. He works with premier footballers. I think what I knew was coming happened we kissed. He has a girlfriend too. Felt awful but alive and wanted - I know how wrong that is. We chatted etc nothing could happen stay friends all good but I still fancied him. Fast forward last night and another bar girl said he had asked for her number last week and Instagram account she’s just 18 attractive in a typical teen way. I am 37!! He’s 32.

I was furious I know I shouldn’t be no one knows about our friendship etc. I feel also like s total idiot like he spotted lonely fed up wife. I have no right to be jealous and it’s wrong that I am upset. It’s made me examine my relationship and given me a wake up call but where do I go from here. I haven’t told my H I don’t see the point. He hasn’t noticed anything different . We have house renovations busy lives children etc. He wasn’t worried about doing anything for our 10th wedding anniversary always worries about money doesn’t like debt.
He’s a great father and works hard I am just not sure if we have grown apart.

I know I was wrong with the other guy I still have to see him when I work and I feel like a twat for clearly being used. And treating my h like it. Where do I go from here

I suspect you wanted the MN massive to go there there you poor loved starved thing, the bastard how could he. You aren’t a victim, you’ve had a narrow escape but you currently aren’t ready to admit it and that’s ok but hopefully you will come to your senses sooner rather than later.

Let this extreme emotional reaction be the catalyst to sort your marriage out because your justifications and excuses about your behaviour, suggest that their will be a next OM.

I never got the impression he was a player

Seriously? He has a girl friend and he was hanging around in a bar chatting you up and joking around with you and walking you home and you didn't think, "may be he's a player?"

This was a learning experience. So learn from it.

It is not your DH fault that rather than working on your relationship with him, you made a choice to get involved with someone else. Stop blaming him. Not his fault. Take FULL responsibility for it, at least in your own head. (Or the chances of you marriage working are zero)

I am sorry for your situation exhausted Mum , I know it’s wrong I don’t expect sympathy but I didn’t set out looking for this and wasn’t expecting to feel like this because the last time was when I met my husband 18 years ago. It has highlighted how unhappy I am and I thinks also him. I am aware of what I have done and also woken me up but more of my children I love husbavd but perhaps not like I ought. I was sure that there must be someone who had been in similar situation

Uand outcomes

NO lots of regulars come in have a laugh joke they don’t all want relationships

It’s his local like others

I think this is a huge sign for you to really think about what you want in life. I think you miss feeling alive and that feeling of lust/love that has maybe gone from your marriage. You need to ask yourself if you want to stay with your hubby. You've been together a very very long time. Are you happy? Can you find a way to get that lust/fun back that helps you be close to your husband?
If not, maybe you should consider being single. I yearned to be desired and wanted and had a similar situation like you, however we didn't act on it (he just led me on!) Basically, guys out there are shitty, I'm single now and the ones I have ever wanted have been the ones like you mentioned - that chase you until you're hooked and then get bored and move onto someone younger and who is a new challenge.

All I can say is you only live once so make sure you are happy in the life you're living- and if you're not then you know it's time to change things xx

He probably enjoyed the thrill of the chase - you kissed - it was what it was.

For you though, it was more. You were swept along and enjoyed the attention/flirting. It also highlighted what has been lacking in your own marriage.

Did he use you? No. He dented your ego and made you feel like one in a very long line of others...

Invest in your marriage - it takes an active effort from two people though.

Thank you both last two posters that is exactly how I feel and what I need to do is a lot of thinking

You sound totally infatuated! You sound totally jealous if the 18 year old “she’s attractive in a typically teen way”.

You sent a shitty text message?? Why? Are you saying this guy who acts like a premier footballer should be true to you? Because you kissed? He owed you nothing.

As for sending the text and communicating, very risky and opening lines of communication. It’s telling this guy you’re still interested.

You’ve become obsessed after one kiss!
Honestly, decide what you want and work on it.

Your H doesn’t deserve to be with someone whose checked out of the relationship!

I really don't see how you were used. You had a flirty friendship which you both enjoyed, a kiss which you both enjoyed and then you say you both put a stop to it. He's now flirting with someone else and you're jealous. That's not being used! Seems to me like maybe you'd have liked it to go further because only jealousy explains your feelings of anger and your text. He doesn't owe you anything, you need to let it go.

The real issue here though is your relationship with your husband. Rather than focusing your energy on getting jealous over a relative stranger, try talking to your husband about why things feel stale in your marriage right now. Your relationship sounds eminently saveable but only if you communicate.

From what the OP has said, the kiss came after the chase. I'd imagine she was showered with the kind of attention that had/has been missing in her marriage. That doesn't excuse the kiss then subsequent text. I don't think the OP has made excuses? She's been open and honest.

You are reacting as if you had sex and thought it meant something to both of you and now you are hurt as he has gone after someone else.

Sounds to me like you had a glimpse of what your life could be like when this man chasing you and paying you attention. All the things you wanted, he was showing you. Then you had reality hit you hard when he moved on to someone else. The whole incident made you realise how unhappy you actually are with your life and I suspect it is easier to be angry at this man than take a look at the reality of your marriage and what your future might hold.

Oh, I have been in your situation, OP. I wasn't married at the time, but feeling the need of some admiration, getting into casual flings and pretending to myself that I knew they were casual and I was cool with that, even pretending to myself that I was cool when they looked elsewhere or just treated it as friends with benefits, which was, to be fair, the mutual deal. But really I was feeling like you: dented, rejected, replaced.

But what you can't do is blame him and accuse him of using you. And send shitty jealous texts.

Your life is YOURS. Decide how to handle your marriage, and take responsibility for that. Of course it is likely to be caused by factors on both sides, and people change a LOT over the time you have been together.

Also, it is natural to panic a bit as you approach 40 and have only ever had one serious relationship.

Work on your marriage, leave your marriage, or make a decision to stay for the kids, but don't look for your thrills elsewhere.

I fully accept he doesn’t owe me anything but not having been chased by anyone except my husband I was niave in thinking he was like me in a relationship never cheated before etc etc. Turns out he hasn’t and wasn’t, I wasn’t to know this. But looking back some things over the friendship should have raised alarms. If I wasn’t married then I would class him as a user, using me for all he could get then moving to the next one(whilst having a girlfriend) I know it’s not normal yes I was jealous as I like him a lot. I am aware it’s not a normal emotion and I shouldn’t be and have no right to be. But yes I have issues with my marriage and yes they need sorting. I don’t think I appreciated how unhappy I was until after this episode. And yes it’s wromg etc I know I am a cheating bitch I am trying to make sense of myself. It’s easy saying leave the logistics and reality is hard, it’s all I have ever known

I feel people are being very harsh to you. I know what it's like to be in a terrible marriage and to feel very down. I also know what it's like to be pursued by someone. I didn't take it any further with the ex that pursued me but I know it can be tempting.

Try not to beat yourself up too much and be grateful it was just a kiss. You didn't allow yourself to be used. You called a halt to it and he pursued someone else. You've now seen his true colours.

If I was you I'd just explore whether your marriage is worth saving and if not then leave. Then you can pursue whoever you want with a clear conscience.

I am only being harsh because of the insistence that the OM was a 'user',

YOU agreed that nothing could happen. He was no more using you than you were him, given that you both have other commitments.

And fwiw, I don't think he would have been 'using' you had you willingly had sex, either.

Unless he stalked you, co-erced you, lied to you.

It is unjust to blame him, and by doing so justify sending shitty texts.

Take care of yoursel, OP.

WEll put it better perhaps I feel used and stupid for allowing myself to get in the situation. Judging by finding out more information I am just in a long line of women and girls, something I wasn’t aware of before because I wasn’t interested

I think he was also clearly lying to me saying he hasn’t done it before etc etc

I'm mortified for you!

You sent him a shitty text because cheating on his girlfriend as long as it's with you is fine, but someone younger, and not married with kids is not ok??

Come. On.

i think you’re being completely unreasonable, he doesn’t owe you anything and hasn’t “ used “ you at all. you both agreed nothing more could come of it so that’s that, why are you upset if he’s chasing after another girl, that’s nothing to do with you and not your problem.

If he lied to you then you have a right to feel used. However, he is not the issue now. You need to move on from him now that you've seen his true colours and concentrate on what you are going to do about your marriage.
Maybe give yourself a bit of time to heal from the hurt and then decide whether to work on your marriage or not.

I feel really sorry for your DH. You flirted with and kissed another man, and rather than thinking "my DH does not deserve that" all you can think about is how angry you are at the other man for taking an interest in someone else.

If you're this angry about a random man who you kissed showing an interest is someone else, imagine how your DH would feel if he found out the woman he married and has built a life with is acting.

Do you have any self worth?

Your behaviour to your DP has been abhorrent.