How often does your partner help out with housework?

[AutumnLeavesandCandleLights]

My partner works full time during the week, and some Saturdays and Sundays depending on what shifts are available.
I am 6, almost 7 months pregnant and stay at home looking after our 10 month old son and do all of the night wakings, 95% of the cooking and all of the housework.

I've told my partner that I don't mind doing the lions share of the housework as it's only fair seeing as how hard he works.
The only things I do ask him to do are put the bins out once a week, put his own dirty laundry in the hamper in the bathroom and not leave it all in a crumpled mess in our bedroom and to take his plates and/or cups out in to the kitchen and put them next to the sink at the end of the day.

I'm not sure if that's unreasonable or if I'm asking too much, but more often than not he won't even do those things.
Twice over the past few months I've left his pile of dirty laundry to build up in our bedroom to see how long it would take him to put it in the washing basket - over a week later it was all still there, gradually taking over our floor and he was starting to run out of work clothes. I ended up giving up and washing it all otherwise he'd have moaned at me for not doing any laundry and him having nothing to wear.

I can spend the best part of 45 minutes scrubbing our bathroom spotless (which i do weekly, sometimes twice weekly), bleaching the toilet, wiping his urine off of the porcelain, wiping down the tiles, washing the floor - just generally making it gleam, then he'll have a bath that evening, not wash away his dirt and hair from the bottom of the tub, get ready for work the following morning and leave towels on the floor, toothpaste blobs everywhere and hair all in and around the sink. Same story with the kitchen, when he cooks, it looks like a bomb's gone off and I'm expected to clean it.

I'm houseproud and do like things to be kept very tidy and like things done a certain way, but he hasn't changed the bedding in over 2 years and I think he's hoovered maybe three times in a year?

I by no means expect him to come home from work, crack out some scrubbing gloves and start cleaning everything, but the pregnancy combined with the zero sleep I'm getting from being up all night with our 10 month old is starting to take its toll me and I'd like a little help.

I've spoken to him about this a couple of times over the last 6 months and I've expressed how it feels like he treats me like a maid and our home a hotel. He'll do his best to be clean and tidy for about 3 days before reverting back to his old ways.

So, my question to all you SAHM's, do your partners/husbands/boyfriend do ANY tidying or is it perfectly acceptable for them to not have to lift a single finger?

I've been on mat leave nearly a year now. Dh does one bathroom and I do the other. We do hoovering and general cleaning together as and when. He does bins and gardening. And we probably do 50/50 With things like dishwasher emptying and other general tasks that arise. I tend to do the lions share of laundry and cooking but if there's washing to hang up or put away he would just do it when he sees it needs doing. He's fab.

@Desmondo2016 Wow! That's great that he helps you out as often as he does! Looking after a baby and running a home isn't easy so good on him for having the initiative to lend a hand.

I'm not expecting a lot, at least, I don't think I am, but when I've been up 5+ times a night with our baby (this happens most nights) then spend all day with him whilst also making sure the house is spotless by the time partner gets in from work, I'd just like for him to once in a while go 'Leave the washing up, I'll do it!' But he never does.
I can probably count on one hand the amount of times he's washed dishes in the last 6 months. Our clean laundry can be sitting on the dryer - bone dry - and he won't put it away, it's left to me.

I'm just so exhausted and honestly, a tiny amount of help would make a huge difference right now.

I would say he shouldn’t be leaving his clothes on the floor for you to pick up. Or leaving hair around the sink if he’s shaved.

I’m on maternity leave so I do most of the housework but I don’t do any of his washing if he leaves it on the floor. I actually throw it round his side of the bed which is hidden so it’s not in my view and doesn’t bother me so much. I would never clean up/hoover his beard hair after he has a shave - that is disgusting and I don’t care nagging him about that. I think your post sounds totally fair - there’s a difference between general housework and picking up after someone like a maid.

Stick to your guns and don’t wash his clothes if they’re not in the basket. Just give him a little warning before they actually run out.

I’m a terrible cook so I would say cooking is 50/50 but I would do the dishes.

It's been a little while since I had babies/toddlers/young children. However, we still used to do everything 50/50 and he would also just do things if they needed doing. The only things I would exclusively do were laundry & cooking.

He has never been part of the 'I'm at home so should do everything and he works so should do nothing' mentality.

You gave in op. Dont start the washignwar if you dont think youll seenot through. So what if he completely ran out of work clothes?

1. Remind him today that only clothes in the laundry basket will be washed. You are not his mother and will not hunt for clothes, examining them to decide what is still wearable and what is dirty. He should have more self respect about his dirty clothes and more respect for you as his wife.

1. You do not pick up his clothes from anywhere other than the laundry basket. At all. If he runs out of clothes tough. He is an adult and can work out what to do about it.

1. If he leaves the bathroom a disgusting mess, send him back to it to clean it.

1. If he continues to treat you like a skivvy rather than a partner, think about what it is you want for the rest of your life, and what it is you want your children to see as normal.

Also, I tend to have just lowered my standards now I have kids. He should be offering to do a little more given you are struggling. It’s not easy being a SAHM. When you are going housework when he’s around, does he ever offer go help or just sit and watch?

Full time work plus extra at the weekends is hard BUT none of the things you ask are unreasonable!

He may need to start doing some of the wake-ups for your child soon too as you can't deal with all of those plus a newborn alone. I think you need to sit down and have a proper chat with him.

@Sunnyx You've made me feel as though I'm not being totally unreasonable so thank you! Some times I do doubt myself and wonder whether I should just 'get on with everything' because I'm the one that stays at home, but as you've said, there's a fine line between tidying and being someone's maid.

It's tough for me because I HATE mess and borderline need everything to be clean almost every day otherwise it drives me mental and he knows that - so I do sometimes wonder if he feels like it doesn't matter if he pulls his weight or not because 'oh, she'll just do it all tomorrow anyway'.

With only 12 weeks to go before I'll have two babies born 12 months apart, I'm beginning to wonder how on Earth I'm going to tidy up after them AND my partner?

I am growing increasingly tempted to just stop doing anything for him until he genuinely realises just how much I do for him

He doesn’t help me, it’s not my job.
He lives here and creates the same amount of cleaning that I do so he cleans the same as I do he helped make the kids so he cleans up after them as mush as I do too.
I’m not his Mum or his maid.

He doesn't help out, we share it.

We both work FT if that helps.

DH works, I’m a SAHM. During the day I look after our children, feed them and clean up after them.
Outside of working hours, all housework is split 50:50. He does the majority of the cooking and loads/unloads the dishwasher. I do the washing/drying/ironing. I clean up after us during the day but any other cleaning (bathrooms etc) is split between us at weekends.
I’m a SAHM, not a stay at home skivvy.

@Sunnyx i tend to do a 'big' clean on a day when he's off at the weekend so he can watch our son whilst I get stuck in and properly blitz the house, but he won't offer to help with anything, no.

I'm a long term SAHM to our 4 children (age range 3-13). I actually run a small business from home so am self-enpkiyed. But realistically it takes very little if my time. DH works full time.

With older children we have the added complication of over 20 weekly extra curricular activities to ferry kids to/from and watch, as well as running a house, ensuring homework, reading, spellings and do so on are done after school.

When DH is at home, everything is fine equally. So if I'm busy cooking, DH will be busy doing something else (reading with the kids, walking dog, tidying, hoovering etc). We split tasks more on time than 'your job, my job'. So one of us won't be sitting around while the other is busy, we will both sit down together when everything is done.

In the early days, I had to be very descriptive in telling DH what I wanted him to do. If you at just hoping one day he'll notice the washing up wants doing and do it, you might be setting yourself up to fail. I would say "While I am putting baby to bed, can you wash up?".

Do lots of "while I.... can you..." sentence. He needs to understand that you need as much evening downtime as he does.

@C0untDucku1a I'm beginning to think refusing to do his laundry until it's placed in the basket is the way forward. I obviously don't want him running out of underwear or work shirts, but it is still a joke that he can't walk 20ft to our bathroom and place his clothes in there

at the very very least he should be tidying up after himself, he is a grown man perfectly capable of tidying up after himself - he is not doing things I would expect my children to do (put his dirty clothes in the laundry, cleaning the sink after use, making sure there is no urine on the sinks) he needs to act like an adult and do these things himself

And you are about to have two children one year apart you cannot possibly continue doing everything

There is a meme going round about what chores a 3 year old should be doing seriously its far more than he is

Let him run out!

@Kentnurse2015 he does work incredibly hard and I'm so thankful for the amount of hours he puts in to keep our family afloat, but once he's home from work, he's off the clock. I'm not. I never am.

I don't mind doing housework and don't often complain, but I do feel like he's pushing boundaries and just expects me to do it all.

He works full time, but you also look after your 10 month old full time which if you employed someone else to do it, it's considered a full time job too! He should be doing 50/50 with you, perhaps more if you begin to find it difficult in later pregnancy.

I find it hard to understand the level of disrespect necessary to expect you to pick up clothes from the floor and to clean up after him in the bathroom as you've described.

You've accepted subconsciously that all the housework is your responsibility because you phrase it as your partner "helping" you. He shouldn't be "helping" you, you should both be working together to sort everything out that needs doing.

What are his normal daily hours? 9 to 5, or longer shifts?

Another vote for he's not bloody 'helping out'. FFS, it's his house too and I'm assuming that he is equally equipped with hands and other working limbs to do his fair share. Stop being a martyr and tell him to get his lazy arse out of the past...

@FATEdestiny you raise a good point of saying about actually telling/asking him to do things!
I often assume he'll just notice things and do them, but he never does. I'm 24 and he's 34 so one would think those ten extra years he's got on me would have helped him to understand how hard the daily running of a home can be.

I have noticed if I ask him to do things, he will eventually do them. But I start to feel like I'm nagging so often don't say anything at all and just get on with them myself.

Given a new baby is coming along, I would try and tackle this now with him. Tell him exactly how yoi feel. That you won’t be doing his laundry if it’s not in the basket and you would like him to pick up after himself. You will only do general stuff. His standard of cleaning may be much lower than yours and maybe he just doesn’t see what needs doing. But don’t let him treat you like a maid.

My OH works but if I am doing a more thorough clean, be does offer to help. He also gets up early with my 5 month old once a week to give me a lie in. It’s the little things. Sounds like you are a bit unappeciated.

@Quartz2208 it is starting to become really scary that soon, I'm essentially going to be picking up after THREE children

DH works full time, I'm SAHM. I do most of housework and washing. He does most of the cooking, puts bins out, does some cleaning, tidies up, does dishes. We both do loads. He doesn't "help" me with the housework as it's not "my" job. He does jobs because it's his house and his mess.

I think you're doing far too much.

Its not housework though is it, he is neglecting to do basic tasks involving his own care (cleaning up after himself). He knows exactly what he should be doing he just isnt - that is so disrespectful and then when you dont he moans at you.

You shouldnt need to ask him to clean up after himself he is not a baby stop babying him

Adding to the voices above saying the my husband doesn't 'help' me with the housework. We are both equally responsible for managing the house. We have different areas that we're stronger in so he does more washing and I do more house finances and organising. If I was a SAHM I'd be happy to do more but that wouldn't mean that he'd stop thinking about it. I don't understand men who can't pick up after themselves.