How often does your partner help out with housework?

[AutumnLeavesandCandleLights]

My partner works full time during the week, and some Saturdays and Sundays depending on what shifts are available.
I am 6, almost 7 months pregnant and stay at home looking after our 10 month old son and do all of the night wakings, 95% of the cooking and all of the housework.

I've told my partner that I don't mind doing the lions share of the housework as it's only fair seeing as how hard he works.
The only things I do ask him to do are put the bins out once a week, put his own dirty laundry in the hamper in the bathroom and not leave it all in a crumpled mess in our bedroom and to take his plates and/or cups out in to the kitchen and put them next to the sink at the end of the day.

I'm not sure if that's unreasonable or if I'm asking too much, but more often than not he won't even do those things.
Twice over the past few months I've left his pile of dirty laundry to build up in our bedroom to see how long it would take him to put it in the washing basket - over a week later it was all still there, gradually taking over our floor and he was starting to run out of work clothes. I ended up giving up and washing it all otherwise he'd have moaned at me for not doing any laundry and him having nothing to wear.

I can spend the best part of 45 minutes scrubbing our bathroom spotless (which i do weekly, sometimes twice weekly), bleaching the toilet, wiping his urine off of the porcelain, wiping down the tiles, washing the floor - just generally making it gleam, then he'll have a bath that evening, not wash away his dirt and hair from the bottom of the tub, get ready for work the following morning and leave towels on the floor, toothpaste blobs everywhere and hair all in and around the sink. Same story with the kitchen, when he cooks, it looks like a bomb's gone off and I'm expected to clean it.

I'm houseproud and do like things to be kept very tidy and like things done a certain way, but he hasn't changed the bedding in over 2 years and I think he's hoovered maybe three times in a year?

I by no means expect him to come home from work, crack out some scrubbing gloves and start cleaning everything, but the pregnancy combined with the zero sleep I'm getting from being up all night with our 10 month old is starting to take its toll me and I'd like a little help.

I've spoken to him about this a couple of times over the last 6 months and I've expressed how it feels like he treats me like a maid and our home a hotel. He'll do his best to be clean and tidy for about 3 days before reverting back to his old ways.

So, my question to all you SAHM's, do your partners/husbands/boyfriend do ANY tidying or is it perfectly acceptable for them to not have to lift a single finger?

My hubby does nothing unless I start having a go at him, his sat in garden by fish pond watching movies on iPad all day, I’ve not stopped since getting up, changed bedding done 4 loads of washing cleaned boys room top to bottom, I’m house proud I admit, every time I walk past patio door I can see him feet up relaxed, just went out there and told him to f**k off and now his asking what he can do, so his pulling out unit in passage to hoover and clean behind it, and will find some more horrible jobs he can do, x

I hope you don't think I was criticising you in my message. He works bloody hard but so do you and you're not being unreasonable.

I have 2 quite close in age. My house is a disaster zone most of the time. My husband does housework but not excessively. I have had to embrace the mess in many ways. We don't live in an unhygienic hell-hole but the house isn't always 'tidy'

His reluctance to do even the most basic things is horrid though.

I'd just like to add that I am aware his working week aren't long hours, it's more that he works Monday to Friday, then majority of the time works Saturday and Sunday too.
Obviously working 6-7 days a week isn't an excuse for generally not cleaning up after himself and I do know that he should be doing more but given the fact we've already spoken about it, and I've told him that our home isn't a hotel then a few days after our chat things just go back to 'normal', I'm at a loss for what to do next!

I have a toddler DS and currently expecting another (in about 8weeks eeeeeek). I work PT and DP is FT with very long hours.

I usually do the cleaning, cooking and laundry but he will often crack on with the dishes/ general kitchen tidying but doesn't really do the rest of the house, he cooks a couple of times a week and sorts the bins out.

He is nearly 10 years my senior too and was terrible at first as he used to have his DM do everything for him, he was always working a lot so she would pick up his clothes after him, put his plates away, iron his stuff etc. After he moved out on his own he worked stupid hours (think 70+ hour weeks) and never ate at home and would just have a cleaner sort his clothes out inc ironing and clean the house once a week.

I've found that I just need to ask him to do stuff, he's blind to what needs doing a lot of the time.
In the past he asked me about his uniform and if it's been washed as he was about to leave and couldn't find it - I looked at him deadpan and asked if he put it in the laundry basket. He didn't he left it in his work bag and ended up having to wear a dirty one to work.
He now knows if it's not in the basket it doesn't get washed, simples.

He's getting a lot better with some training

@Kentnurse2015 no no, not at all! I'm happy to hear any feedback from others!

What's not helping is his mother and sister often make snide comments about my cleanliness like wanting a tidy home is a bad thing and something to be ashamed of.
His sister has three children, two young and one almost teen and her house is a nightmare. I dread going round there because every room is an absolute state, I just couldn't live that way but yet both her and their mother act as if that's just the way a home is when you have kids and I should 'learn' to stop doing everything and relax.
Of course, some mess is a given, I'm not a complete fruit loop and do understand a little mess and chaos is going to happen, but I think basic cleaning has to be done every day if possible.
I can't look at a dirty sink or bath and just turn a blind eye to it. There's accepting your home is going to be scattered in toys and crayons, then there's seeing actual dirt and grime and just turning a blind eye to it

@SeaCabbage in general, he's actually pretty great. He's amazing with our son, gets on well with my family, treats me to things. It's bizarre that he doesn't stop and think about his lack of care towards the up keep of our home. I do feel like he's just a bit blind to it all sometimes.

@Deedee0208 sorry to hear your husband is pretty rubbish and useless! Feeling under appreciated is never nice and it's not great when partners don't pull their weight whatsoever.
If I find something that works and manage to kick my partner up the backside and in to gear, I'll be sure to give you some tips.

Hope things get better for you!

@mindutopia sounds like you guys have got a pretty good thing going there! It's so nice to hear that there are couples out there who respect the fact that each other has a lot to contend with and yet still pitch in and do things as and when they can.

I can only hope that I can work towards dividing our day up like you have. I don't like the idea of writing out a 'checklist' and pointing what he HAS to do, it's more that I just want him to have the initiative to think 'you know what, I haven't washed up in about three weeks, I'll do it tonight', or 'she's hoovered every weekend for the past two months, when she goes to get the hoover out this weekend, I'll take it off of her, tell her to go sit down and I'll do it'.

I don't want 'help' as such, just, I dunno. Someone that's willing to muck in every now and again would be nice.

"He's amazing with our son, gets on well with my family, treats me to things. " Isn't that fairly normal, rather than absolutely great?

I think I'd write up a rota of things that need doing and allocate them fairly. I'd also write down some minimum standards of behavior for adults. Then I'd discuss it with him and ask him to agree to it, and explain what your response would be if he can't stick to it.

You might have to lower your standards a bit to write the rota, cleaning everywhere daily might be a bit too much with a newborn and a 1 year old.

@thedinosaur eeep, how exciting to be having another little bundle! Though I imagine, like myself, you're probably wondering how on earth you're going to get by haha!

I suspect I may need to start being more vocal when things need to be done, rather than assuming he's adult enough to realise a wash needs to be put on or the bed needs changing!

Dh works full time - Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm and sometimes the 4pm to 11pm shift.

I work three days a week - Monday to Wednesday 8am to 4pm.

I do the majority of the housework but dh will do things but only if I ask him to otherwise he wouldn't think to do them. Things like cleaning the loo, hoovering, dusting, he has to be asked to do.

He can't cook. I do all the cooking then he cleans the kitchen.

I take care of all household finances and bills. If I left it to him we'd probably be homeless and bankrupt.

I do all the online food shopping. He usually puts it all away when it arrives Saturday morning.

I am the official chauffeur for the kids. In all fairness to dh, he has epilepsy and can't drive so fair enough!

I do all washing and ironing.

Dd1 cleans the bathroom every Saturday and dusts the pictures/cupboards on the landing.

Dd2 dusts downstairs every Saturday and changes one of the beds.

Dh cuts the grass. We both do weeding.

The car only gets cleaned when I pay someone to do it.

Dh does however put his dirty clothes in the wash and rinse his whiskers from the sink. He doesn't swill the bath after he's showered though.

I do all the decorating and DIY as he's useless. Mummy and daddy did everything for him growing up and he is quite literally incapable of doing anything, hence why he can't cook either. I'm determined that my three kids will grow up to be independent and not like their useless father!

OH! Something else that I must add that I can't believe I forgot to include in original post - he picks his toenails and fingernails off and leaves them laying around IN THE LOUNGE.

I'll get down on the floor to play with our son and see them scattered about on the carpet.

I mean, come on. That's shit's nasty.

While on mat leave we did the bathrooms etc on the weekend, and dh got up early in the morning to clean the kitchen weekdays as I would be stuck under the baby all evening then dahs to bed as quickly as I could to maximise my first of several short naps I made do with instead of sleep.

My DH never helps with the housework, but he works very long hours in a stressful job and I don't work.
However he always puts his laundry in the basket and puts used crockery etc in the kitchen. I would find it really disrespectful if he didn't.

It's not "helping out".

It's doing his share.

Sharing.

"Helping" means it's your job- which it isn't.

OP, unless you nail this shit down now while you and the kids are young and you have a relatively young relationship, you'll be picking up after him for YEARS! Honestly I get that you're incredibly grateful that he works all the hours God sends but so do YOU! You're bringing up and looking after human beings! This is such an important job and one that does not start at 9am and finish at 5pm it's ENDLESS! You need to google 'The Mental Load' and see what it says.

Stop picking up his laundry, if it ain't in the basket, it ain't getting done!

If he trashes the bathroom, send him back in!

He'll soon remember to do these things if it impacts him but if you keep stepping in, this will carry on and you'll be so resentful. Good luck OP!

@Impostress99 I do realise it isn't my 'job' but at the same time, I don't expect him to finish work, come home and start cleaning and tidying if I've been home all day. I do feel like SAHM's should do the majority, I know a lot of people think it should be 50/50 but that's just my opinion.
As I've expressed in my OP and in previous replies to other users - I'd just like for him to muck in from time to time. I'm happy to do general chores, but I do draw the line at following around a fully grown adult and picking up his trail of mess.

I do feel like he's just a bit blind to it all sometimes. Of course he isn't, he holds down a job, manages to get himself up, to work, etc, he's not stupid. He's CHOOSING not to do it.

He doesn't sound like he has much respect for you

You sound really grateful he puts his own child to bed 60% of the time. Your expectations sound really low.

TOENAILS AND FINGERNAILS?!! Omg, right make a list of all the things you don't want him to do and all the things you do want him to do. Pin it in the kitchen so he KNOWS what needs to be done and can't say 'I'm not a mind reader you know ' or 'if you want something done you just need to ask/remind me'.... 🤔 . Been there got the t-shirt....

@Bibbidee I think I often forget that I work hard too. Looking after a 10 month old all day and night whilst being almost 7 months pregnant is definitely a far cry from easy and it's obviously not going to get any easier when the little one is born!

Thank you! I think some big changes need to be made. I'm going to stop being such a pushover and picking up after him like I'm his mother and hopefully things will start to improve around here!

To be honest even a mum would not put up with that (I don't from mine!)

@Kardashianlove I'll admit my expectations are pretty darn low. If he puts our baby to bed without me having to ask him or if he'll actually remember to put the bins out I'm a bit like 'holy shit, he actually did it. Amazing!' When it reality, I shouldn't be like that at all!

I think sometimes its easier to not expect a lot from people then you (for the most part) avoid disappointment

Honestly if he made less mess, he won't need to come home from work and start scrubbing! Get on with that list OP and put yourself first ok?! 👍

He's a filthy pig and has no respect for you, autumn

And quartz is quite right. Even my autistic 11 year old puts things away, after himself. My teen is a different story, but he gets chased if I catch him leaving an avoidable mess.

Do you think he's like this in work, does he do something normal and his boss thinks 'holy shit, he actually did it. Amazing' I expect not.

Just to give you another perspective, I'm a SAHM. When I was pregnant with DC 2/3, DH cane home from work, cooked everyone's tea, bathed DC, etc then he stayed up and did all the washing, tidied/cleaned etc while I either went to bed or sat on the couch. I didn't have to ask him. I thought this was normal. He knew it was hard for me looking after DC while pregnant and he WANTED to help.

You sound lovely btw and I feel sad for you. Please higher your expectations, you don't deserve to be treated like this (no one does).