How often does your partner help out with housework?

[AutumnLeavesandCandleLights]

My partner works full time during the week, and some Saturdays and Sundays depending on what shifts are available.
I am 6, almost 7 months pregnant and stay at home looking after our 10 month old son and do all of the night wakings, 95% of the cooking and all of the housework.

I've told my partner that I don't mind doing the lions share of the housework as it's only fair seeing as how hard he works.
The only things I do ask him to do are put the bins out once a week, put his own dirty laundry in the hamper in the bathroom and not leave it all in a crumpled mess in our bedroom and to take his plates and/or cups out in to the kitchen and put them next to the sink at the end of the day.

I'm not sure if that's unreasonable or if I'm asking too much, but more often than not he won't even do those things.
Twice over the past few months I've left his pile of dirty laundry to build up in our bedroom to see how long it would take him to put it in the washing basket - over a week later it was all still there, gradually taking over our floor and he was starting to run out of work clothes. I ended up giving up and washing it all otherwise he'd have moaned at me for not doing any laundry and him having nothing to wear.

I can spend the best part of 45 minutes scrubbing our bathroom spotless (which i do weekly, sometimes twice weekly), bleaching the toilet, wiping his urine off of the porcelain, wiping down the tiles, washing the floor - just generally making it gleam, then he'll have a bath that evening, not wash away his dirt and hair from the bottom of the tub, get ready for work the following morning and leave towels on the floor, toothpaste blobs everywhere and hair all in and around the sink. Same story with the kitchen, when he cooks, it looks like a bomb's gone off and I'm expected to clean it.

I'm houseproud and do like things to be kept very tidy and like things done a certain way, but he hasn't changed the bedding in over 2 years and I think he's hoovered maybe three times in a year?

I by no means expect him to come home from work, crack out some scrubbing gloves and start cleaning everything, but the pregnancy combined with the zero sleep I'm getting from being up all night with our 10 month old is starting to take its toll me and I'd like a little help.

I've spoken to him about this a couple of times over the last 6 months and I've expressed how it feels like he treats me like a maid and our home a hotel. He'll do his best to be clean and tidy for about 3 days before reverting back to his old ways.

So, my question to all you SAHM's, do your partners/husbands/boyfriend do ANY tidying or is it perfectly acceptable for them to not have to lift a single finger?

He doesn't respect you op. He thinks it's beneath him to pick his dirty clothes off the floor because you, the house skivvy will do it for him. Imagine what it will be like when you have two babies to care for all day and a husband who treats you like his maid....you will burn out. He sounds so disrespectful it's a joke. I wouldn't put up with anyone treating me like that tbh.

@AssassinatedBeauty Monday to Friday he leaves the house around 6:30, starts work at 8am, finishes at 4pm and is usually home around 5/5:30. Weekends he can work an afternoon shift at a pub or potentially an evening one depending on what hours are available, and I'd say maybe 2 Sundays out of 4 he's off.

So he really does work hard, and does a lot of hours, hence me not minding or complaining that I do everything. It's just the maid aspect I can't get my head around. I've never had to pick up after any of my partners. I don't know if he does it out of laziness, lack of respect or just sheer not thinking, but I really am reaching the end of my tether.

We both work full time so split it 50/50, however I don't ever do the ironing as that's his forte

I think you’re making a bigger deal than this needs to be.... just ask him to do it or don’t make a big deal if he runs out of stuff. ‘Pushing boundaries’ is something that is used to describe children so until this point I could sort of see where you were coming from but you just sound petty now.

Plus I second a PP on lowering standards. Basic cleanliness is important but choosing to spend so much of your time on cleaning and making a big deal about it isn’t so healthy.

Most of the time we do equal amounts of housework around the house. We don't have lists to keep it even-stevens, we just do similar amounts.

Sometimes, DH does far more than me because I have an illness that sits me on my arse every now and again. Sometimes I do far more than him - just because I'm pleased I'm not currently sat on my arse I suppose.

How hard he works is immaterial. everybody should take responsiblity for themselves - he is lazy, he is disrespectful and no one can be that level of self involved that they dont think to clean up after themselves. What example is that setting his son

Personally I think with you about to have two under one you will have the far harder job and he should be stepping up more

OP he does work a lot of hours. I think you are being totally reasonable and I feel the same about my OH. But your job is 24/7! Night wakings aren’t easy. When do you get your break?

1. It's not helping you. It isn't your job.

1. Fully functioning adults need to split the jobs equally.

This really is the bare minimum. Women aren't "lucky" to have a partner that does this. It really is basic stuff. But society tells them that they are .

Can you imagine a man saying his DW "helps" him with the childcare/housework ?

I think that's a fairly normal amount of hours for full time work. Is his commute 1.5 hours?

Does he do anything from 5.30pm till he goes to bed? That's 4 hours or so a day, he could do plenty of housework daily.

Why on earth did you do his laundry when he’d let it pile up? The whole point is that he runs out of clean items and therefore connects putting his dirty items in the laundry basket with having clean work clothes. Does it really matter if he moans at you? He needs to know the natural consequences of his shitty behaviour.

Your thinking about it as helping shows how conditioned you are to accept that these things are your role and not his.

Presumably he is all too happy with this situation.

@ChickenJalfrezi I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to keep a clean, neat and tidy home.
My son comes first. I play with him all day, feed him, tend to his needs, then once he's down for naps I crack on and do everything and make everywhere nice.

I think it's good that the house looks presentable for when my partner comes home. In previous relationships, ive had partners that didn't work, and when I got in from a hard day at work the home looked messy and it wasn't nice to walk in through the door and see.

@Ploppie4 mostly because the pile was starting to aggravate me. It was messy and in the way and I couldn't stand to keep looking at it. I think the next time it happens it will just have to leave it, regardless of whether it bugs me or not.

His behavior is appalling. We both work ft - it’s 50:50 on parenting and running the home.

You have already spoken to him about it and got nowhere which is really sad. Is he a complete tosser in other ways? Because I find it hard to believe that a decent person would behave like this.

I would say definitely leave his washing where he leaves it. Do not give in.

But also, maybe after another chat, with the backup of MN behind you, do what some people have recommended before - all his plates and shit that he leaves lying around - throw it all on his side of the bed - throw it in his car - anywhere where it will upset him. Blame your pregnancy hormones! Shout at him! Get your point across.

Another thing woudl be to take a before and after picture of the bathroom. Tell him that you are starting to think of him as a child. And that that IS NOT SEXY. Not attractive in any way shape or form.

Does he have any friends you can shame him in front of?

I wouldnt' normally suggest all this kind of thing but I am so cross on your behalf.

The point is OP if you’ve got into a situation where this stuff is bothering you this much then it’s not as simple as keeping a nice home because you’ll go crazy trying to keep it up with 2 DC under 18 months says the voice of experience

My husband works much longer hours. Weekends we split childcare and cleaning 50/50.

Weekdays he does one thing like dry up.

He cleans up after himself

those are actually not that long hours at all its basic full time work - he needs to be an adult

DH doesn't "help out" with housework at all.

He does more than his fair share of housework because he lives here. And he certainly doesn't strew his clothes all over the floor like a badly behaved toddler for me to clean up. Because he's not an inconsiderate arse.

If he was single he'd have to pick his own shit up off the floor and wouldn't have anyone bailing him out if he didn't have any shirts washed, no matter what hours he works.

He has you to do it all, because you're willing to put up with him regarding himself as above it all and leaving all the dirty menial crap to you.

He’s like an unhelpful teenager. An extra child. In your shoes I’d list every job that needs doing and ask him which ones he would like to put on the rota you’re making up together. Then stuck the rota on the fridge.

If one of you drives the other could cook and vide versa. Life is about to get very difficult for you if you don’t iron things out so

He might like to do Sunday roasts.

What do single men who work long hours do? Go naked and hungry?

It's not nice, kind, helpful or great for an adult to do their own laundry or hoovering. It's just being an adult.

Each to their own, I have friends who live like this but I couldn't.

I wouldn't consider those long working hours. DH and I both do more than that and we've got three DC (admittedly not babies anymore). We manage to keep the house cleanish, do the laundry and cook a proper meal every night. Your DH is lazy and disrespectful.

@AssassinatedBeauty his commute is roughly an hour and a half yes.

Once he's home, he'll play with our son and usually gives him his dinner whilst I'm in the kitchen finishing off our dinner and washing and preparing the baby's bottles ready for the night ahead.

I'd say about 60% of the time, he puts our baby to bed which I'm grateful for as it means I do get a small break after dinner. But once he's done that, he won't do any cleaning or tidying, no.
It's back on me to pick up and put away our sons toys that are all over the lounge floor as he'd happily just leave them all over the place and not care.

Every single day. I'm not a SAHM. I work full time as well. But when I was and when I'll be on mat leave and at home again with the next baby, yes, assuming he's home, he does 50-50. Some days he does work long hours (as do I, not on the same day obviously), so on rare occassions he might not get home til 9-10pm. Or he might be working away Friday to Sunday. But if he's home, he's pulling his weight. On an average day, I do the school run, homework and snack time and then he is home 5-6pm, does all the washing up and tidies the kitchen, while I start dinner. Then he does bathtime and I take over and do bedtime. He also gets up and does the washing up or puts the clothes on to wash in the morning, while I do breakfast and then the school run. If one of us is at work, it's 100% on the one whose home, but in the hours we're both here, no one is sitting around on their bum and we're both doing things that need doing. I think if you are home during the day, it would be expected for you to do more than 50% as you have more time, but when your partner is not working it should be 50-50.