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Original poster

How can I get her in the mood?

83 replies

Stealthhelper · 13/10/2017 10:12

Hi,

First of all I am new to MN so not sure on the etiquette with posting, so apologies in advance...

Anyway, I am looking for advice from mum's and dad's in regards to the lack of sex in my relationship. DW and I have been together since we were teenagers (we are now late 30's) and have 3 young kids. We've had our up's and down's over the years, but our relationship is now very strong with the exception of one major thing...sex. DW never wants it and has a very low sex drive, whereas I am the complete opposite. This often leads to squabbles and me sulking which I know only add's to the problem.

I know there is no miracle cure, but I am looking for honest advice in terms of how I can convince her to get in the mood even once every week or so... I feel like I am the only one who see's it as important and am struggling with it as the longer it goes the more frustrated I get and the worse it makes me feel about myself. DW says she still fancies me and in fairness to her she does still flirt with me etc, just says she is too tired / has no sex drive. It is worth noting that she does also work nights 3 days a week as well as look after the kids, so I am not expecting her to become a nympho, but am struggling with next to no sex.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 13/10/2017 10:23

No secret solution. I imagine without realising it you are probably pestering her a bit and mentioning it too much. Just back right off but without withdrawing normal affection etc. Maybe step up what you do to support her and just generally be loving and supportive but with absolutely no emphasis on sex. And not just for a few days. If nothing had changed after a few months then you need to address it together by talking and actively/jointly seeking solutions.

User36367292 · 13/10/2017 10:25

You need to do more housework apparently. The link between housework and sex is strong on MN

Ecclesiastes · 13/10/2017 10:28

Ah, the mystery of female desire.

How about you slip some spanish fly in her tea?

tocas · 13/10/2017 10:30

She works three nights a week, looks after the kids and probably does the housework too... She's exhausted ! Do stuff for her so she doesn't have to. Let one of her nights off be feet up in front of the telly. Cook dinner. Do the food shop.

Ecclesiastes · 13/10/2017 10:35

Tell us more about these 'ups and downs' you've had over the years, OP.

They might hold the key to your wife's unwillingness to open her legs every time you click your fingers.

Whisky2014 · 13/10/2017 10:35

It is. Get the house all sparkly first.

GinSoakedBarroomQueen · 13/10/2017 10:42

The difference between the advice given on this thread and that on the current 'Sexless Relationship' thread is astounding.

Original poster
Stealthhelper · 13/10/2017 10:44

Wow I didn't expect that many replies that quickly... Sometimes I think it takes a stranger to tell you the obvious in order for it to sink in. She must be shattered and I guess the last thing she needs is me on her case when she does get the chance to chill out and get an early night. It just becomes a vicious circle as the longer it goes the harder it becomes (no pun intended).
Without a shadow of a doubt I need to help out more, she is an amazing mum a loving wife and on top of that does most of the shopping, cleaning and all the cooking. I struggle with cooking generally but it's obvious I need to step my game up in that respect... So the general consensus is if I back off with the pestering, pull my weight a bit more and give her some space in that department it should hopefully help?

OP posts:
CredulousThickos · 13/10/2017 10:47

She works nights and does the daytime childcare, the bulk of the housework and all the cooking. She’s knackered.

Oh and stop sulking. That’s a sure fire way to make any vagina clamp firmly shut.

Teddy7878 · 13/10/2017 10:47

Did she used to like lots sex? Or has it only been since having kids or more recently that it's died off?
I used to not have sex much with my ex as I found it a bit boring and we just weren't sexually compatible. I have lots of sex with my boyfriend now.
Definitely sit down and talk to her and explain it's getting you down but you want to support her and understand how she's feeling. Could she be depressed?

Quartz2208 · 13/10/2017 10:49

I think you have placed it very much in a box there on its own and being important - you see it as a separate entity and very much based on the physical aspect

This has led to your wife potentially feeling very much just as an outlet for that who you try to get in the mood once a week or so

So without making it about housework - what do you bring to the relationship, what do you give her - as at the moment this is all about what you want her to do for you. So what is the reverse

Whisky2014 · 13/10/2017 10:49

gin Firstly, I hadn't been on that thread so new people adding to a new thread are bound to say different things. Secondly, after just looking at it quickly, I see their sex life deteriorated due to the guy having some medical issue and now is not doing anything to help himself.
Completely different situation!

TheMaddHugger · 13/10/2017 10:50

Dude. She's exhausted. End of.

With young kids she probably has one or all the kids constantly hanging off her, poking,clinging, patting, touching, needing, crying, tantruming, sobbing,Wanting, Hungry, dirty, ......

She's ALL Touched OUT. She's has Enough... She wants to be NOT touched for 5 minutes...

My DH and I were pretty well matched and even I didn't want to know when the kids were young.

How can I get her in the mood?
tocas · 13/10/2017 10:53

ginsoaked

The reason the advice is different is because the situations are completely different Hmm

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 13/10/2017 10:55

Don't just 'help out' more around the house. Genuinely take responsibility for some tasks so she doesn't just feel that you're 'doing them to help her' but that you're a team in keeping the home ticking over.

For my girlfriend it's not just being tired that killed her libido in her previous relationship, it was the feeling that the entire household - planning, sorting, cleaning etc. was all her responsibility - it was just mentally draining with was as problematic at the physical tiredness.

Oh, and give her plenty of affection that doesn't come with any expectation for more.

If she still flirts with you then the situation feels salvageable I guess?

TheMaddHugger · 13/10/2017 10:57

What I did want back then was a Hug, just a HUG, that wasn't / didn't lead to sex. I needed a foot massage, just that, a massage, that did not lead to sex.

Ps been married 34 yrs

AuntyElle · 13/10/2017 10:58

You need to be taking a fair share of the housework because it is the fair and decent thing to do. Not just to "help" you get more sex.
I'd start by saying to her, 'I've just realised how much you do. I'm sorry, it should have been obvious to me before now that I need to do more in the house, but can we talk about how to share the work out better?'
Stop sulking and pestering, and don't expect anything to change sex-wise.
Then in a few months - if you have actually stuck to doing your share of the housework - you could start a talk about what she wants in terms of intimacy and sex. If she misses anything. What she would like.

BertieBotts · 13/10/2017 10:58

Yes, defo take more strain off her. There are lots of easy recipes online if you'd like to learn to cook. Jamie's book Ministry of Food is great for beginner cooks and has family friendly food. There are lots of youtube channels now dedicated to beginner cooks - whichever avenue is best for you. Cooking is not difficult to get into once you start and it's a really useful skill. You could even teach the DC which would be great for them in the future too.

When you feel like a team and she feels appreciated it's likely to have lots of benefits. Do it for the good of the relationship though/to take strain off her as being the goal rather than just doing it for sex. Because it can be tempting otherwise to try it as a kind of token effort for a while, not see any improvement and be resentful or feel cheated. Whereas she might actually need some rest and recovery before she can start thinking about things which she used to enjoy. Giving her more time for herself is likely to improve things on all fronts.

Also, I think it is important to show that affection and intimacy are welcome even if sex is off the menu. That should help you connect too.

Gin, male and female socialisation WRT sex and housework is massively different so of course the causes are likely to be different and hence advice offered different when genders are reversed.

NannyRed · 13/10/2017 11:01

DH cooking dinner for us AND doing the washing up always helps. It makes me feel he doesn't take it for granted that i will always cook. Hence hubbys pasta bake has serious connotations.

I do feel more in the mood if I know the house is clean, as silly as that seems, sex seems a luxury I don't have time for if I'm not on top of housework.

Also, my kids are all adults now, but when they were little, the promise of a lay in tomorrow worked well too. Oh and booze, booze usually helps.

Whatshouldmyusernamebe · 13/10/2017 11:02

Listen to her. Really listen. Pay attention to her. Say nice things to her. Compliment her and mean it. Actually take on some of the responsibility of children stuff and housework. Cook and wash up. Appreciate her. Give her time and space on her. Then she might have some headspace to start thinking about sex.

Cricrichan · 13/10/2017 11:02

As everyone says. It's simple. Take equal responsibility of house and kids.

Whatshouldmyusernamebe · 13/10/2017 11:04

Time and space on her own.

GreyCloudsToday · 13/10/2017 11:05

Yes, read this comic about the mental load.

When you take over your share of the cleaning, cooking, remembering and childcare she will have more brain space and more actual free time to reconnect. Plus the "team feeling" IS sexy.

TheMaddHugger · 13/10/2017 11:05

'Helping OUT' Bullcrap. You are NOT 'Helping her out'

You made half [or more] of the mess. You are 50% of the kids.

Take charge of cleaning/ sorting/ childcare. House cleaning

Clean without having to be told. Told what needs doing. Do it before she 'needs to say anything.
After all, she does it without input from YOU

TheMaddHugger · 13/10/2017 11:06

GREY. Many Thanks, that's what I was trying to find (((Hug)))

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