How can I get her in the mood?

[Stealthhelper]

Hi,

First of all I am new to MN so not sure on the etiquette with posting, so apologies in advance...

Anyway, I am looking for advice from mum's and dad's in regards to the lack of sex in my relationship. DW and I have been together since we were teenagers (we are now late 30's) and have 3 young kids. We've had our up's and down's over the years, but our relationship is now very strong with the exception of one major thing...sex. DW never wants it and has a very low sex drive, whereas I am the complete opposite. This often leads to squabbles and me sulking which I know only add's to the problem.

I know there is no miracle cure, but I am looking for honest advice in terms of how I can convince her to get in the mood even once every week or so... I feel like I am the only one who see's it as important and am struggling with it as the longer it goes the more frustrated I get and the worse it makes me feel about myself. DW says she still fancies me and in fairness to her she does still flirt with me etc, just says she is too tired / has no sex drive. It is worth noting that she does also work nights 3 days a week as well as look after the kids, so I am not expecting her to become a nympho, but am struggling with next to no sex.

Thank you.

The way in which women are different to men is quite simply that the way sex is (biologically and additional social expectations of it) means for a man sex is a guaranteed orgasm 99% of the time, for women sex is not expected to bring any sexual pleasure at all, women’s pleasure is pretty irrelevant.

Asexuality aside generally all people who find sex pleasurable want to do it as often as they can.

Women in your wife’s position often find that if they leave their husbands they have a high sex drive (because the sex is pleasurable)....

Men who act like non adults who cannot /won't do normal adult things such as cooking, cleaning, organising, thinking about the running of a house and taking care of their own children, are not sexy.

When a man treats his female partner like a household appliance, sex becomes a chore and yet another thing on her massively long list of things she does for other people.

And re the cooking we get recipe boxes from Abel and Cole. They are really great, easy, quick, tasty and my 12 year old can cook them unsupervised - you could try something like that.

If sex for you across your whole life had 99% of the time been about bringing your partner to orgasm whilst not orgasming yourself and society basically gave you messages all the time that that was how sex was supposed to be and you should just spontaneously orgasm through the sheer pleasure of your partner’s pleasure and if you don’t there is something wrong with you would you have a high sex drive?

A nice dish of pasta / oven food / or stir fry is a meal... don't make excuses by pretending only gourmet food is a meal.
If you take responsibility and prepare it anyone would be happy.
Has your dw ever said "If you only going to cook me a stir fry then don't bother "?

If so then that is a different problem .

You really need to step.up your game and take responsibiliry..why dont you send your dw off with a girl friend or relative for a weekend away to rest and you do everything at home for three days? And she comes bavk to a freezer full of meals and a clean house and happy kids ?

And then you continue by agreeing you will do the food including shopping and preparation 4 days out of 7 every week

Obviously sex is not like that for all heterosexual women but it is common enough. There’s research looking at sexual satisfaction across the duration of LTR and those in lesbian relationships report much greater and longer lasting satisfaction than those in heterosexual ones.

Fantastic point Offred.

cestlavielife you are right, it is abundantly clear to me from most posts that I need to pull my weight far more than I have been.

The weekend away is not practical right now as we have a very busy schedule as a family, but the point is taken and noted.

Obviously i’m also not saying this is your fault exactly. Men are not brought up to really prioritise pleasure for women during sex, often this thing of ‘helping out’ at home is also applied to sex...

Women often perpetuate/struggle with this crappy dynamic too. Many women are even deeply uncomfortable with taking pleasure from sex/equally dividing Home responsibilities.

It doesn’t stop both of those things causing conflict in heterosexual relationships.

I would caution against going down the route of ‘men and women are different’ as this is more about needing to see how you are equal. Equal but your bodies (and how society apportions roles and responsibilities according to your bodies) are different.

None of us women were born intuitively knowing how to cook. It's not something that automatically comes with a vagina. Some of us even came from backgrounds where our own parents were poor or unimaginative cooks. Or they had a limited budget which restricted their options.

You can cook if you want to. You get a recipe, get the ingredients and do what the words tell you. Over time, you learn how to cook something without reading or tweak a recipe to your own tastes.

That's how we learned to cook.

Download and read Wifework as well, perhaps?

I can quite enjoy cooking, but I don't find normal family cooking fun 9/10, it's a chore. It's not like we magically enjoy this stuff And it gets easier the more you do it.

It's fine to cook simple stuff and often that's the most practical solution anyway. It's quick, it's easy, it doesn't require a lot of clean up and you know the kids like it - it's all win win there really.

I disagree that if sex is pleasurable then you'd want to do it all the time.. I love sex and get lots of pleasure but I still only want it twice a month as I'm so knackered.
I feel more like sex when me and DP feel like a team, us against the world, helping each other out and not being grumpy with each other.

The mental load stuff is about realising you don't just need to 'cook more'. You need to take responsibility for household finances and bill paying, food shop, make sure there's things for pack lunches, wash up, remember dishwasher tablets, replace the Tupperware, etc, etc. It's not as easy as putting some fish fingers in the oven.

The mental load is also about all the shit they need for school. Homework. Wear own clothes day. Have you got everything each day for a meal that everyone will eat plus have you run out of milk or bread or loo roll or toothpaste?

As well as taking on a huge chunk of responsibility for key chores (ask what DW hates the most and start with those). Get used to being physically affectionate again, cuddling up, kissing without it going anywhere. Yep probably won't be pleasant for you!

Also emotional intimacy - chatting about dreams, plans, things to save up and do together etc.

Warning: I'd be put off enjoying the nice glass of wine if it was accompanied by twitchy overeager attentive stares to assess whether it had 'worked' yet, rather than just being a lovely relaxing thing to do.

Ulterior motives do tend to be quite easily spotted. Be nice for her sake, not just yours.

This ---

Might I suggest a few nice evenings with wine, candles, nice food , full works, with no expectations on your part at all. Have a nice evening and then say, thanks for a lovely evening and go to sleep. There is nothing worse for women who are at the 'not that interested' stage whatever the reason to feel that the only reason someone is doing stuff about the house or making it a nice evening is wanting sex on the cards OP. Sex for many women starts in the head and many dont feel comfortable when their is an 'expectation'

Yes! Even with one child I sometimes just don't physical contact 'forced' on me - only as in a child comes up for a cuddle and you cuddle them, whether you feel cuddly at that time or not, they sit on your lap to read something, bedtime endless cuddles, then there's holding kids' hands crossing the road, sometimes all the time when out when they're small. Sometimes just want to not have to be touched or to talk (think how many questions the kids ask per day that interrupt her thoughts). Give her space to be her, on her own terms. That may involve more housework and childcare, depending on what can be managed. It may mean taking her out on a date and wooing her but on a 'first date' level - not too much physical contact and no pressure for her. Let her have fun and have a laugh with you and no doubt she'll come to you.

As everyone says. It's simple. Take equal responsibility of house and kids.

Hollow laugh.

I know it's been said already on the thread, but you do your equal share because it is the right thing to do. That's it. Don't even let sex enter your mind.

It might be that the OP was being a bit of an arsehole and by not being an arsehole any more she finds him more attractive and wants to have sex. Or it may be that she simply doesn't want sex very often, irrespective of how rested etc she is.

When our lot were small I can vividly remember saying to DH (who had just wailed 'But I feel like you just don't even like sex any more') that I liked climbing Helvellyn but right now, I didn't have energy for either.

Honestly, scraping my head off the pillow for long enough to say goodnight was about all I wanted to do by bedtime.

One thought. I enjoy cooking. What I like is when DP keeps the kids entertained and out of the kitchen so I can do it. It's time alone doing something I like that conveniently needs to be done too.

Perhaps start by being upfront with your wife, say you've had an epiphany and need to pull your weight more (don't say "give you a hand" or similar for goodness sake) and what would she find useful.

She is using it as a form of control. Leave her, sex is 50% of a relationship stop wasting your life or learn to be celibate

This is how the end of my marriage occurred OP, I worked full time, did everything including cleaning the car and mowing the lawn while my husband did bugger all other than whine about the lack of sex and be discontented with our life without doing anything to make it better.
i found it easier in the end to divorce him and get a lodger.
It was his selfish behaviour that stopped me fancying him.
The lodger pays her way and does stuff round the house too. She is a professional plumber and decorator.
I wish I was a lesbian.

I agree that I find it difficult to get in the mood for sex when the house is a complete shithole. I feel like I want to prioritise sorting that out, so I don't have to spend another day looking at all the mess the next day.

Also, I am suspicious of affectionate gestures as I immediately think he is angling for sex! More regular affectionate gestures with absolutely no agenda would be a good thing.

And yes, booze helps

Step away from Cosmo and the like.

Treat you family with kindness, not childish sulking. It the house you live in your family home? If it is, why on earth do you expect your wife to put more effort in of the running of it than you?

You’ve been together a long time, please don’t think a couple of weeks of ‘helping out’ will do anything to show your wife you see her as an equal rather than the help.