How can I get her in the mood?

[Stealthhelper]

Hi,

First of all I am new to MN so not sure on the etiquette with posting, so apologies in advance...

Anyway, I am looking for advice from mum's and dad's in regards to the lack of sex in my relationship. DW and I have been together since we were teenagers (we are now late 30's) and have 3 young kids. We've had our up's and down's over the years, but our relationship is now very strong with the exception of one major thing...sex. DW never wants it and has a very low sex drive, whereas I am the complete opposite. This often leads to squabbles and me sulking which I know only add's to the problem.

I know there is no miracle cure, but I am looking for honest advice in terms of how I can convince her to get in the mood even once every week or so... I feel like I am the only one who see's it as important and am struggling with it as the longer it goes the more frustrated I get and the worse it makes me feel about myself. DW says she still fancies me and in fairness to her she does still flirt with me etc, just says she is too tired / has no sex drive. It is worth noting that she does also work nights 3 days a week as well as look after the kids, so I am not expecting her to become a nympho, but am struggling with next to no sex.

Thank you.

I just need to get my head properly around the fact that women are very different to men

That's what you have taken away from these responses?

I don't know anything about your relationship but I can tell you from experience that resentment is a huge passion killer. If you have a hands off partner who 'helps' occasionally and you are tired from doing every God damn thing in the house every God damn day sex can become just another chore. You resent the fact that your other half has the energy for sex because they have done piss all since they came in from work and you have been too busy scrubbing their shit off the toilet and washing their skiddy pants to even think about sex. Or maybe that's just me.

The other really important thing to know is that heterosexual women have fewer orgasms during sex with their partners than heterosexual men, gay women and gay men. This is because PIV is not a very successful method of attaining orgasm for women. Only 20-25% of women normally achieve orgasm from PIV.

This means that you need to be doing other things and that usually takes quite a long time, so good sex for her isn't going to be a quickie, so if she's tired and just wants to go to sleep, the prospect of a long session may not appeal.

Surely this OP is not for real

Nothing more annoying than a man who want sex.

However, a man who wants sex with me, because he loves me and acts like he does- I might put my book down and pay attention.

I haven't read the full thread but my suggestion: get a cleaner if you can't do more yourself to help out. Arrange to stay home with kids and enable her to do funnstuff away from y'all with friends or alone if she's up for it.
Cook meals regularly, help the kids learn to help out, stop asking for sex, don't be needy.
Ask her what she would like you to do to take the pressure off. Night shifts are debilitating as are small children. People think if you're home in the day you have loads of free time when really she should just be sleeping and chilling.

I think it's key to establish when the sex started drying up.
But speaking from experience, looking after babies and doing all of the housework with little to no help is pretty much a one way ticket to no bedroom action!

^I worked full time, did everything including cleaning the car and mowing the lawn while my husband did bugger all other than whine about the lack of sex and be discontented with our life without doing anything to make it better.
i found it easier in the end to divorce him and get a lodger.
It was his selfish behaviour that stopped me fancying him.^

This with bells on, sex is just a chore. at best hopefully it will be over asap so she can get to sleep. You re probably not giving her pleasure at all. It's all about you
Do you ever just give her a hug in passing, or hold her hand when you walk along, put your arm round her...without expecting more?
Does a massage in bed lead to wanting more... every, single, time?

I totally agree that if you are lying on the sofa in front of the TV or console whilst she is cooking dinner every night, or get up without helping to clear up ..... forget sex.. She will not be even vaguely interested.