How can I get her in the mood?

[Stealthhelper]

Hi,

First of all I am new to MN so not sure on the etiquette with posting, so apologies in advance...

Anyway, I am looking for advice from mum's and dad's in regards to the lack of sex in my relationship. DW and I have been together since we were teenagers (we are now late 30's) and have 3 young kids. We've had our up's and down's over the years, but our relationship is now very strong with the exception of one major thing...sex. DW never wants it and has a very low sex drive, whereas I am the complete opposite. This often leads to squabbles and me sulking which I know only add's to the problem.

I know there is no miracle cure, but I am looking for honest advice in terms of how I can convince her to get in the mood even once every week or so... I feel like I am the only one who see's it as important and am struggling with it as the longer it goes the more frustrated I get and the worse it makes me feel about myself. DW says she still fancies me and in fairness to her she does still flirt with me etc, just says she is too tired / has no sex drive. It is worth noting that she does also work nights 3 days a week as well as look after the kids, so I am not expecting her to become a nympho, but am struggling with next to no sex.

Thank you.

Take on some of the housework jobs and make sure that you offer affection and physical contact with no expectation it will develop into sex. As we have a disabled DC that co-sleeps and work 12 hour alternate shifts I don't see much of my DH. When we do get time together he will expect to "jump in" to sex when I might not have had a kiss or hug for a week which I find an enormous turn off.

Have a read of these too:

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

www.facebook.com/tonihatingerfitness/photos/a.411595065629679.1073741826.411523962303456/1241620752627102/

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

familyshare.com/2740/why-a-5050-relationship-is-a-bad-relationship
(I can't find the original place I read this but it's similar)

Sorry, some of these are a bit patronising/twee, but interesting I thought.

15 or so year-long relationships will have built up bad habits, on both sides, so it will take time to address them too.

Are you both affectionate with each other? It may be that this is "sufficient" for her, but seems not for you - IME that's not really unusual. Your needs matter too. Perhaps you could describe how this affects you, using absence of non-sexual affection as a comparison - I'm absolutely NOT suggesting that you withhold affectionate behaviour as a demonstration or "punishment" though, that's not constructive and not how you would want to be treated.

Certainly sharing the general load is fair, and you should look at yourself and talk to her about it (let her know in both words and actions that you want to share the load). Your input may be being overlooked by her too though - a full day with "long" commutes each end, for instance, might be your current contribution, and it's OK for you to describe how you can be tired by that too.

You need to consider when her libido started to diminish & what else changed around that time. And yes, taking equal responsibility for household stuff helps! Because it's your house too - you aren't "helping", it's not her job to do it all, just like it's not her job to take sole responsibility for raising the children on her own. You and your wife should always aim to take a broadly equal share of the overall load, as long as your respective healthcare concerns allow. If one of you gets significantly more free time or sleep than the other, resentment will inevitably creep in. If you are not a team, you are separate & she will feel it.

Sorry Im so pissed off. Even the way you [OP] titled this 'How can I get her in the Mood'

All I see is a man going Me Mee MMeee MEEEEEEEEEEE It's all about MEEEEEEE I have Needs ya know

The other thing is don't do it for sex. You should be taking responsibility for more as part of the partnership not just because you want something.

@Hugger the OP is describing the symptoms of the issue as he sees it. Lack of attention to both parties needs is probably the root cause, but you wouldn't criticise the OPs DP for saying "he doesn't pull his weight with housework, so I don't feel like sex"

Ok, massive wake up call for me then... I think I have managed to bury myself in my own self pity so much that I haven't for one moment realised my whole attitude needs to change.

TheMaddHugger you are totally right, clearly I should have given the title more thought, apologies for any offence caused..

Thank you all, I was not for one moment expecting the reaction I have received and it is clear to me that from the replies from both men & women that to stand any chance of changing her it is me who needs to change first. FYI I am not lazy and do help out a little around the house, but that's clearly where my issue is, I have always seen it as "helping out" almost in a chauvinistic way without even realising it. I'm going to change and start taking more things on a her equal, starting with cooking when she is on nights. It is an effort for me to cook, but hopefully if it becomes a more regular thing it will get easier...

Personally if it was me, maybe put the kids to bed, cook her a nice meal, pour her a glass of wine. Really romance her. I'll probably get slaughtered by the MN army BUT sex is a huge part of a relationship/ marriage and deserves to be worked at. Its all about setting the scene rather than just jumping straight into her knickers.
If my DH put the kids to bed for once, poured me a glass of wine, I'd be all his, no questions asked!

Personally if it was me, maybe put the kids to bed, cook her a nice meal, pour her a glass of wine. Really romance her. I'll probably get slaughtered by the MN army BUT sex is a huge part of a relationship/ marriage and deserves to be worked at. Its all about setting the scene rather than just jumping straight into her knickers.
If my DH put the kids to bed for once, poured me a glass of wine, I'd be all his, no questions asked!

Warning: I'd be put off enjoying the nice glass of wine if it was accompanied by twitchy overeager attentive stares to assess whether it had 'worked' yet, rather than just being a lovely relaxing thing to do.

Ulterior motives do tend to be quite easily spotted. Be nice for her sake, not just yours.

I have this problem. My sex drive is low.

Firstly, stop sulking. It's deeply unattractive and I'm sure if she's anything like me she feels worried about the whole issue already.

What helps me is intimacy that won't lead to sex. When I get that physical closeness back without pressure, I conversely have a higher sex drive. I avoid cuddling, touching or kissing DP sometimes because I know where he will want it to lead.

So I'd suggest opening a dialogue with your wife. Apologise for previous sulking behaviour. Tell her you don't want to pressure her. And say you miss the intimacy too, and can you guys cuddle, kiss and snuggle in bed more but that this doesn't have to lead to sex and you won't suggest it. If she wants to then do more, you're absolutely up for that, but if she doesn't then you can just cuddle up together in bed and go to sleep. Hopefully you'll feel closer as a couple and down the line her sex drive might increase. I find the more physical DP and I are the closer we feel and more likely sex will be on the cards. But the physical closeness won't happen if I feel he will think it'll lead to sex every time.

Alongside that, absolutely do more at home. My DP is pretty good to be fair but still amazes me sometimes. He can sit in the front room and watch TV after the kids are in bed totally oblivious to toys strewn everywhere. I don't know how he thinks they get put away. Pick them up! A toy fairy won't do it. Wipe the kitchen sides properly. Empty the bins. Bleach the loo. Tidy up as you go so it doesn't build up. Take (without mentioning how nice you're being/how you want to give her a break etc) the children out for a bit - ask if she wants to come with or would she like some peace. It doesn't need to be grand gestures, just little ones that ease the load.

TheMaddHugger you are totally right, clearly I should have given the title more thought, apologies for any offence caused..

Nahh Mate, I'm not offended. Just needed to Gibbs slap ya a little.

Glad you are taking this well. even if hard to hear

(((Cyber Hug)))

It's easy to underestimate how wearing it is to have little people on you all the time. I just want to not be touched by the end of the day.

Also my showers are so rushed I don't always keep on top of shaving my legs etc. Not important to everyone (DP doesnt give a shit) but if I feel unclean I certainly won't want to have sex. So that may have a bearing too.

My partner could probably have written that post. Lots of sound wisdom above, I would definitely agree to lots of affection and support with absolutely no move towards sex. If you keep asking or pestering it is the worlds biggest turn off. She is probably already very aware of your needs, and all you will do is add to the pressure and guilt she may be feeling. To want sex your partner needs to feel sexy, which can feel like a million miles away from the day to day life of work and kids. Not many people can switch from nappies, tantrums, someone shouting "mummy, mummy, mummy" for 10 hours a day to raunchy sex goddes. I'd rather have a cup of tea and a Curly Wurly.

Can you get out on your own for an evening? Have some fun, reconnect, but DO NOT think "wey hey, we've been out to the cinema so I'm going to get some tonight". Slowly and steadily help her rebuild feeling attractive and more like herself and it may improve in time. Slow and steady wins the race.

Also, as an aside....echoing what someone else said above, having young kids touching you and clambering on you all day is exhausting and often really annoying. For me, bed is a place of refuge where I can be left alone and untouched. I am happy to have sex, but not at the end of the day in bed when I am wiped out and just want peace. Not that there are many other options with kids.... Quickie over the toaster...?

Don't give up on her. It takes time to find yourself again when you have kids.

So the general consensus is if I back off with the pestering, pull my weight a bit more and give her some space in that department it should hopefully help?

Yes, if your relationship hasn’t been irrevocably damaged by your sulking about it and lack of shouldering of the burden before.

It’s not as simple as ‘do more housework’ it’s about how women do not want to expose themselves to the risks of having sex with a man (they are married to) who they feel doesn’t see them as an equal.

Without a shadow of a doubt I need to help out more and stop sulking.

maybe put the kids to bed, cook her a nice meal, pour her a glass of wine. Really romance her

This is a good plan.
But do it three or four times without suggesting any sex. I bet by the fifth or sixth time she will initiate sex herself.

Why is it so difficult for you to cook ?
My teenagers can prepare simplefood ...Which can just mean preparing a meal... if its a M and S dine in for £10 its hardly difficult ....and perfectly acceptable. ..do you have some kind of difficulty? Did you never ever live alone and eat ?
You could also do online shopping if it s tricky for you to pass by a supermarket. I don't understand how an adult can say it is an effort to prepare a meal or that it is difficult unless they have a disability...

Stealth,

I mean this honestly. Take whatever you're doing around the house and treble it. No joke.

Learning to cook and showing the fact that your learning to cook will show her that you've got the message.

I think you need to put sex of the table actually for 2-3 months - and this is a big one even if she initiates it. Because you are doing this to improve your relationship in the hope that it leads to more intimacy and a more equal partnership

As an aside what reaction were you expecting?

You've had some good advice on this thread.

The getting all touched out is definitely true.

I also agree you should apologise for the sulking. It's a pathetic thing to have done - I'd find that hugely annoying.

Just 2 additional suggestions seeing as you are already all ready to take on more housework and childcare...

Is there anything she would like to go out to once a week/fortnight/month depending on time and finances? On her own, that is. Because showering/make-up and getting dressed up into nice clothes, even if casual, makes me feel like less of a Mum and more like me. But it doesn't seem worth it if I have to rush cooking and clearing up or come home to a mess. No fun in it then!

Other suggestion is just give her regular nice back massages with absolutely no sex pressure. It's very hard to feel sexy when you are tired and stressed.

For me, the happier and more loved I feel, the more in love with DH I feel and the higher my sex drive.

And by ‘risks’ I specifically mean pregnancy as a major factor but also lack of pleasure in the actual sex itself.

Those are the two major concerns of women with small children re sex. No matter how rationally fail safe your contraception may be an overworked woman with young children is always going to be shit scared of another pregnancy.

If you don’t share the household burden equally you massively increase the feeling of risk in relation to pregnancy for the woman.

If you inadvertently have made sex an issue that is only about your pleasure then the woman is getting the message that sex is going to be solely another chore for her to perform.

Both things are absolutely toxic to a woman’s desire for sex.

Cestlavielife - I'm not very creative is what I mean and have to follow recipe's for quite simple things. Having said that I do cook simple things (pasta, oven food, stir fry) for the kids sometimes. In short though because I am not a natural "Gordon Ramsay" I am lazy with it, whereas I know I need to just get on with it.

In fairness I have been doing more and more of the food shopping in the last 6 month's but i'm going to increase that by cooking more. You never know, maybe I will even start cooking double what we need and freezing some ;-)

As I have said in a previous post, I have had a wake up call and am going to do something about it.

It is so easy to read things online and gather information that is totally biased. I've spent some time reading other posts and also looking at things on the likes of Cosmo etc and other mags and basically was convinced that every other DW was a sex goddess who wanted it at least once a day. In reality we are all different and I just need to get my head properly around the fact that women are very different to men and clearly my DW needs attention elsewhere before I can hope things will change.

I have a very high sex drive and I guess it is going to take time for my wife not to think anything I start doing isn't with an ulterior motive as that no doubt just puts pressure and scares her off.