Date night disaster

[Rarity75]

Had a rare child free Saturday night and DP booked a meal out.

I've recently gone back to work after 6 months off with depression. I normally don't bother with make up but I made a real effort and I thought I looked good. DP didn't say anything but wanted a compliment about how he looked in a new top.

Since I've gone back to work (I work 3.5 hours a week less than him) I've been annoyed that he hasn't picked up any household tasks. He works nights and I get that he is tired. He says because his job is manual and mine isn't that he doesn't understand how I could be tired

I thought the meal would be a chance to have a discussion about roles, big mistake. He didn't want to talk about it. Said he thought it was us time not talking about household shit. He also spent time on his phone messaging friends while I was talking to him, which I said was disrespectful.

Got home had a big row. He said it was a waste of money and he wants half back when I get paid. I slept in my daughters bed last night.

I just feel undervalued and pissed off. I'm still adjusting to work and a new role (public sector). I can't keep on top of the housework, laundry, childcare, cooking, shopping, and dog walking on my own. Not to the standard he expects any ways and why the fuck should I do it all??

I need some way to make him understand it isn't just my responsibility. Any words of wisdom? And sorry this is an essay

He is completely disrespecting you.How ridiculous of him to suggest he doesn't need to clean.Such entitlement and clearly believes he's above you.

Guess you can understand why previous relationship failed.

Is the house you share owned or rented?

OP while you are doing it all - he will let you!

I own it. I just wish he could see it from my point of view. He can be a lot of fun but is shit at the practical stuff.

Hmmm....sounds like he's moving into cocklodger territory!

There's no point in him being in your life if it's making things harder not easier. I can understand why the reaction might be to stop cooking, washing etc for him, but if it gets to that stage why even have him there?

What joy does he add to your life? For me there's a tipping point - if my partner makes me more unhappy than happy he gets shipped off. It's never easy but it's way better than being lonely when you're within a relationship. You'll have time for your daughter too and you'll be far more relaxed. How long have you been together?

Does he contribute financially to the house?

Its your house and you have no kids together.

I'd seriously think about telling him to leave. He doesn't sound like he brings anything to the table. I'm sure you could do better.

Does he contribute anything other than fun

Do you earn more than him?

The things you've said about him; manual job, works nights, bit misogynistic, plus its your house, all make me wonder if he feels weak and pointless in the relationship, so he tries to cut you down by being unpleasant to you.

Was he nice while you were ill? When you weren't working and were rather more dependent on him for support (emotional and financial)?

Yes I earn more than him, significantly more. When I was dependant on him financially he was making me account for every penny.

He has just awoken, apologised and offered to take me out for lunch.

That's nice of course - but still a fun activity for him and not grunt work!

Nothing you've said makes this sound like a loving and supportive relationship.

I'm not quick to say LTB, but I think both you and your daughter would have happier lives without him. He's not only a poor partner, he's an awful role model for both of the DCs.

i'm really struggling to see why you're with this man? he doesn't seem to contribute very much, and you certainly don't need him to survive. in fact he seems to be sliding into the cocklodger box...

I think you’re in a good position to kick him out tbh if it’s your house and you have no kids together.

I’ve had to give myself a talking to and stand up for my own self worth and standards in a relationship when dp was being an asshole and I think you should do the same!

Take you out for lunch? Don't forget he benefits from that just as much as you do. He should be offering to do something that only benefits you.

It's your house, no kids together, you earn more and he behaves like this? I think you're grossly underselling yourself and need to look at what you learned growing up about what you deserve.

He says he doesn't need to do any housework as he doesn't make any mess!!

Stop picking up after him then. Ofc he doesn't see the mess if it's always tidied up and put away.
Leave his laundry and crisps packets and what not.

It's not petty or tit for tat. It's showing him exactly how much extra housework he generates.

Tbh he's a dick anyways for saying he doesn't make a mess so he doesn't have to tidy up. Your relationship is not a partnership in his eyes.

I would start tomorrow as you mean to go on.
Bright and breezy but maybe say later on that from tomorrow you won’t be doing everything g around the house as we as working so he either pulls his finger out and helps or he moves out.
Say it calmly but like you mean it and are in no way going to let him brush it under the carpet with a lunch out.

Then from tomorrow onwards don’t prep meals for him every day,don’t do pack ups for him if you normally do,leave his rubbish and washing to fester and do yours and Dds.
Give it a week and if he starts kicking off about it ask him who he thinks is he is and why he thinks he’s so much more important than you?

He’s woken up and said sorry because he knows he’s behaving like a man child and then remembers that YOU own the house and YOU earn more.
He’s probably feeling inferior so is being an immature ass about it.
I have a friend who had a partner like yours and she binned him off eventually.
He did the while il change and I’ve been a cock thing but it’s too little too late.
Selfish stubborn and arrogant

Don't get caught up in accepting crumbs OP. Spending 80% of your time feeling miserable or unappreciated or disrespected in exchange for feeling good when he throws you a crumb and apologises and takes you to lunch is not healthy.

I'd also really think about what you're teaching your daughter here. You're her role model. You're teaching her to clean when there's a spare minute and teaching her that men do fuck all and that's just fine.

Take yourself out for lunch and let him crack on with some housework. When he has done the same volume as you have done today, then perhaps you can talk.

Or - just LTB. Much easier.

Stop doing things for him

You shouldn't have to raise thi more than once. He needs to go. I also say cocklodger.

Oh dear! three posters say cocklodger. It's not looking good

I think you have a communication problem. Date night was never going to be thr right time to tell him he needed to do more, that’s a sit down and set some ground rules discussion.

So tell him you want a discussion on responsibilities. What is it you wish from him, be clear, I can see partly he’s thinking there is a cleaner there three hours a week and your six year old there all the time and his kid there only every few days, but he does also live there and he needs to do his share, whatever you both decide that is, be it taking it in turns to do the dishes , walk the dog or do laundry, you need to agree the ground rules.

Ugh he’s awful
Why are you putting up with this shit?