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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Date night disaster

125 replies

Rarity75 · 08/10/2017 10:52

Had a rare child free Saturday night and DP booked a meal out.

I've recently gone back to work after 6 months off with depression. I normally don't bother with make up but I made a real effort and I thought I looked good. DP didn't say anything but wanted a compliment about how he looked in a new top.

Since I've gone back to work (I work 3.5 hours a week less than him) I've been annoyed that he hasn't picked up any household tasks. He works nights and I get that he is tired. He says because his job is manual and mine isn't that he doesn't understand how I could be tired

I thought the meal would be a chance to have a discussion about roles, big mistake. He didn't want to talk about it. Said he thought it was us time not talking about household shit. He also spent time on his phone messaging friends while I was talking to him, which I said was disrespectful.

Got home had a big row. He said it was a waste of money and he wants half back when I get paid. I slept in my daughters bed last night.

I just feel undervalued and pissed off. I'm still adjusting to work and a new role (public sector). I can't keep on top of the housework, laundry, childcare, cooking, shopping, and dog walking on my own. Not to the standard he expects any ways and why the fuck should I do it all??

I need some way to make him understand it isn't just my responsibility. Any words of wisdom? And sorry this is an essay

OP posts:

chocdog · 08/10/2017 14:18

Bluntness100's advice is good. If you love him, try it. If it doesn't work, LTB.

ferrier · 08/10/2017 14:20

Put a box by his side of the bed and put all his rubbish in it.
Or tell him to get his own place and just see him for the fun bits.

Nanny0gg · 08/10/2017 14:31

Not to the standard he expects any ways

It's your house and he does nothing! He can take his 'standards' and shove them where the sun doesn't shine!

He is not a partner...

FizzyGreenWater · 08/10/2017 14:42

Cocklodger.

Do your daughter a favour and get rid.

Sausagerollers · 08/10/2017 14:57

Tell him that he's right, he doesn't create any washing/cooking/mess, so he won't mind moving out and not having to wash/cook/clean up after himself will he?

You can then meet up with him for datenights without this issue in the way.

Annelind · 08/10/2017 15:10

sausagerollers excellent idea! he currently has a home with all his domestic needs attended to and a decent place for his dc to stay. Moving out will give him an idea of how much OP does for him to maintain the set up.

FinallyHere · 08/10/2017 15:41

He doesn't do anything round the house, but has an opinion on how well it is done..okaaayyy.

How is he earning the right to tell you what to do in your own house? This is not OK. What is he contribution to you relationship? Has he establish dominance over you in some way? Are you conditioned in some way to accept this.

Time to ask yourself some rally quite tough questions and decide what you are going to do about the answers. All the very best.

FinallyHere · 08/10/2017 15:44

Just read your OP again. Why would he want to talk about the division of labour? He has got it made at the moment and it is entirely in his interest to keep it that way. Any change, can only be worse for him.

So my question would be, why are you allowing this?

L0quacious · 08/10/2017 15:48

You've no children?

I'd just end it.

WhatsWineGotToDoWithIt · 08/10/2017 15:48

My ex dh used to moan I didn’t do anything around the house (I did everything) then when I left he complained he had so much to do and I said to him but I thought I didn’t do anything??

Annelind · 08/10/2017 15:51

Whats!

Original poster

Rarity75 · 08/10/2017 17:51

Thanks as usual mumsnet doesn't pull any punches! But you are right, I do love him and he has to either shape up or ship out. Love isn't enough and it won't last if I am shown such little respect.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rarity75 · 08/10/2017 17:53

My mum has just been around and I told her. She just said if it was me I'd chuck him out! She is a strong character and throughout my childhood I always had to be a good girl. Maybe that's where my desire to please others is rooted? I also help others all day. I don't help myself very well though.

OP posts:

Cloudyapples · 08/10/2017 17:59

Whose house is it op?

fuzzywuzzy · 08/10/2017 19:10

House is OP’s

InThisTogether · 08/10/2017 19:47

I'm sorry this happened but if I'm being honest I don't think that you were fair bringibg that stuff up on a date night. After that obviously it escalated into a row (cue all the LTB-ers etc) but maybe he just wanted to spend time with you and not discuss the practicalities of life and just have a few hours of fun?

Original poster

Rarity75 · 08/10/2017 22:12

Omgmy daughter came back from my mums tonight. She back chatted me over walking the dogs (it was dark) I said no. She shouted, stomped off and slammed the door. She is six. She accused me of always breaking my promises (not true). I packed her off to bed at 7 straight after it happened, with stern words about respect and behaviour. She is still awake. My knob head of a DP has messaged my mother telling her to put my DD to bed earlier!! I am so embarresed and infuriated. Wtaf does he think he is doing????

OP posts:

bastardkitty · 08/10/2017 22:21

Paving the way to getting kicked out in the morning?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/10/2017 22:38

He asked your mum to put your daughter to bed earlier - was that because she was tired and backchatting? I don't see what's wrong with that (though I think you can do a lot better than him, otherwise.)

Biscuitsbathroom · 08/10/2017 22:42

Are you feeling he overstepped the mark, because she is your DD, and your mum?

nicenewdusters · 08/10/2017 23:13

Is he really worth all the effort, drama and upset OP?

You've recognised you're probably a people pleaser. Possibly a rescuer too? So what do you think you might do about it?

Imagine living in your house with just your dd. Your space, your rules, your decisions.

You don't owe this man anything. It's not working for you, you're not happy. End of.

Original poster

Rarity75 · 08/10/2017 23:17

I've just spent an hour on the phone to my parents. They think he is trying to alienate me from friends and family. That he is a control freak and they are seriously worried he may once he feels settled enough start hitting me. They have made it apparent that they have no issue with me. That they love me unconditionally but that they detest him and they are scared for me.

I feel numb and lost. I think it's obvious that I need to get him to move out. That scares me, his temper is a scary thing to behold. And I've threatened it before and not followed through.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rarity75 · 08/10/2017 23:19

In terms of being a people pleaser and rescuer. What do I do? Freedom programme? Counselling? I married an alcoholic, had a long term relationship with someone who cheated and now this.

OP posts:

Biscuitsbathroom · 08/10/2017 23:24

How long have you actually been with him?

Dowser · 08/10/2017 23:29

Omg.
Have his stuff packed and on the doorstep.
You don't need this sweetheart.
Big unmumsnetty hug for you.
What a tossed he is.

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