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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Date night disaster

125 replies

Rarity75 · 08/10/2017 10:52

Had a rare child free Saturday night and DP booked a meal out.

I've recently gone back to work after 6 months off with depression. I normally don't bother with make up but I made a real effort and I thought I looked good. DP didn't say anything but wanted a compliment about how he looked in a new top.

Since I've gone back to work (I work 3.5 hours a week less than him) I've been annoyed that he hasn't picked up any household tasks. He works nights and I get that he is tired. He says because his job is manual and mine isn't that he doesn't understand how I could be tired

I thought the meal would be a chance to have a discussion about roles, big mistake. He didn't want to talk about it. Said he thought it was us time not talking about household shit. He also spent time on his phone messaging friends while I was talking to him, which I said was disrespectful.

Got home had a big row. He said it was a waste of money and he wants half back when I get paid. I slept in my daughters bed last night.

I just feel undervalued and pissed off. I'm still adjusting to work and a new role (public sector). I can't keep on top of the housework, laundry, childcare, cooking, shopping, and dog walking on my own. Not to the standard he expects any ways and why the fuck should I do it all??

I need some way to make him understand it isn't just my responsibility. Any words of wisdom? And sorry this is an essay

OP posts:

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/10/2017 12:01

we all know it won't last. he'll keep this up until he thinks you've 'gotten over it' and then will revert back to being an arse

Another vote for that statement. Tell him to buy his own sodding car at least!

Keep strong OP, you can do this.

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/10/2017 10:04

The moment I realised my XH had to go was when we had visitors and he busily washed up and tidied the kitchen.

He NEVER did it on a day to day basis. So I realised that a) he knew it needed doing b) he knew he ought to help and c) he would do it when he had an audience but not when he could just leave it to me.

And that was the end.

tygr · 13/10/2017 08:58

Haven’t read the full thread. Sorry. But have you seen this. A neat way of explaining the unfairness of how tasks get split often in heterosexual relationships.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

CockacidalManiac · 13/10/2017 08:53

we all know it won't last. he'll keep this up until he thinks you've 'gotten over it' and then will revert back to being an arse.

Yep.

AdalindSchade · 13/10/2017 08:01

3 days!
Any twat can keep it up for 3 days. It won't last.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 13/10/2017 07:39

He must be really panicking. Without you he has nothing. He knows this. Without him you have everything plus more time and peace of mind. He knows this. He is pulling out all the stops to get you back to being the compliant soul you were before. His changes won't last. Your peace of mind when he's gone and clear of your life will.

LuckLuckLUCK · 12/10/2017 23:33

Change the locks, bag up his stuff, text him saying to post the car keys back through the door and if he doesn't then report the car stolen.

LuckLuckLUCK · 12/10/2017 23:31

You are allowed to just kick him out!

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/10/2017 22:57

What exactly is he cleaning after himself?

He doesn't make any mess, remember?

pinkyredrose · 12/10/2017 22:21

OP can't you just throw him out? Have his bags packed while he's at work maybe? All. this being nice and cleaning up must make you feel sick, he can be decent when he's losing the gravy train but usually he's an arsehole. What a kick in the teeth that he's only being nice to you so that he doesn't lose his cushy number.

GlitterSparkles17 · 12/10/2017 21:58

He’s following the script like a pro isn’t he? If you were to give him another chance it wouldn’t be long before he was back to his old self.

I agree with other posters, he’s a grown up, he needs to sort his own car/bike out, you need your car! It’s not your problem anymore.

eddielizzard · 12/10/2017 20:33

we all know it won't last. he'll keep this up until he thinks you've 'gotten over it' and then will revert back to being an arse.

he must pack his bags and get out. then you change the locks pronto. the car shouldn't be the thing stopping you doing this. it's your car. he's going to have to sort out how to get around - it's not your problem.

phone up your mum and your friends and tell them you need their help getting him out this weekend.

good luck. i bet once he's gone you'll feel so much better.

bastardkitty · 12/10/2017 20:28

It's really okay to tell him it's too late. The time when he should have stepped up like this is long-gone. And it won't last but you know that.

Olddear · 12/10/2017 19:48

He knows he's got a cushy number, that's what he really doesn't want to lose. I'd get rid.....

ijustwannadance · 12/10/2017 19:46

The niceness won't last. It's just a tactic to keep his kushy life.

AlternativeTentacle · 12/10/2017 19:37

Calm, supportive, cleaning after himself.

Of course, he can do it. Like most arseholes he chooses not to.

Funny that.

Rarity75 · 12/10/2017 19:32

OK so after several really difficult days he is still here. I have a raging cold and I’m not eating well.

I completely lost the plot with him three days ago. I screamed and cried and laid out exactly how selfish, angry and awful he has been.

He has done some online questionnaires, identified that he has anger management problems and thinks he is depressed. He is also being everything he wasnt. Calm, supportive, cleaning after himself. I just feel numb.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 09/10/2017 21:27

It is lovely that you are so concerned about his needs, but please think for a moment about how he has behaved while living in your house, having the use of your car. As stinky pointed out, remember him asking for your half of the ruined date night meal back. While returning to your house.

Imagine if this were happening to your DD: feedom programme, change the locks. Not necessarily in that order

BewareOfDragons · 09/10/2017 21:21

His lack of transport is no longer your problem. Your relationship is over. Tell him you want your car keys back, you're removing him from the insurance, and he can figure out his own living and work arrangements, but they won't be in your house or with your car.

Stand firm.

AlternativeTentacle · 09/10/2017 21:18

I have a 6 year old and one car. There is no public transport to where he works. He leaves at 9pm after she is asleep

A push bike and good lights will sort that.

Quartz2208 · 09/10/2017 21:09

But that is his issue as a grown up not yours. It's your house, your car and his actions which have led to this. You are not responsible for him

Rarity75 · 09/10/2017 21:08

Oh and I told him after his flower run and sweets for DD that he had missed the medicine isle if he was serious. Now I feel like a bitch.

OP posts:

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Rarity75 · 09/10/2017 21:07

I have a 6 year old and one car. There is no public transport to where he works. He leaves at 9pm after she is asleep.

OP posts:

bastardkitty · 09/10/2017 20:37

Why is that a problem? Go get it with spare key and text him in the morning to say you have retrieved your car and want they key back. If he uses it again you will report him to the police.

Rarity75 · 09/10/2017 20:32

Thanks guys. The simple problem with the car is that he works nights and uses the car.

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