AIBU DH in bed

[hengyhorris]

DH went away last night with work friends and stayed over in a B&B. I stayed home alone with baby DS. He came home earlier and complained of being tired as he was up all night. The reason he couldn't sleep was he had been taking cocaine. I made some dinner which he ate then just got up and went upstairs to bed leaving me to tidy plates and everything away. I asked if he could come down but he said he's going to sleep. We have started taking turns having a lie in on a weekend and he said I won't be able to have mine tomorrow if he doesn't have a sleep today. Is it just me or is he being selfish? He went away yesterday morning so I have had DS on my own since then.

You know he's being selfish. What sort of state is he in? If just tired I'd run a bath and plonk baby on him while you relax an hour.

Sorry OP. Your whole situation sounds awful.
He is not a responsible partner or parent.
Yes he is being very selfish.
I know far more than I would have liked about cocaine addiction and how it makes people behave.

Yanbu unless you had agreed to write off the weekend for him to indulge. Is drug use a regular thing?

Definitely didn't agree to this. He used to take it regularly but not since DS was born. I think this is the first time since then

IANBU. He chose to take coke and end up being up all night.
Now he's blackmailing you into shutting up and putting up with the threat of removing your lie in.
He's a selfish twat.

So cocaine use is to be accommodated into your family routine, just like a hobby, provided you can find a work around?

Is that what I am hearing?

I know, I would be disgusted if I had read this on here from someone else. I don't know what to do now. Do I say something when he gets up?

You & your baby now take second place to a drug habit.
What sort of husband and father does that make him?

Sorry, I can't understand why him not helping you is more of an issue than the drug use!

Tell him to get help with addiction and if he does not then you need to walk away with baby. No more chances, I'm afraid.

Your baby comes first - not him.

He's not addicted, it's a social thing. I know it doesn't make it any better but he's not an addict

Is it a habit you can afford? You seem very tolerant even though it comes at the expense of your weekend. How old is the baby?

So many rubbish men in evidence on here. It always makes me pity the poor woman.

I understand why you are annoyed and I would be too.
If he was taking cocaine last night then he will be feeling like shit today and the chances of you having a productive conversation re about nil.
Write off today, enjoy your long lie tomorrow and have a conversation about it tomorrow.
If it is social use and he hasn't done it since your son was born then hopefully you can make him see why it is a problem and he will be an adult and choose not to do it again.

It's his fault he took coke and couldn't sleep, god knows why he was taking coke when you have a baby at home (you'd think that would be the last drug anyone would need with a baby, not being able to sleep when you need to sounds like hell) you have a system in place which he knew about before his big night out, he's got to suck it up and do his part remind him no ones ever died from a lack of sleep, he's just being a lazy sod.

Is this the sort of life you envisage for yourself not just to say your son going forward as well?. Both of you are coming a dim and distant second to his drug taking on a night out.

You keep reiterating that he is not addicted or an addict; its a social thing. What is an addict in your definition?. He is displaying all the behaviours of one right down to the selfishness and lack of care for his family to boot.

Who is more important to you ultimately; this man or your child?.

DS is 8 months

Thanks casmama that's good advice

I even joked to him before he went that he will be looking forward to a good nights sleep. DS has had a bad couple of weeks waking up a lot.

Atilla of course my son is more important. But is it worth breaking up a family because of one night? I am not making excuses for him but this is the first time he's done this. I just don't know how to deal with it right now

I would be really worried that he's taking drugs rather than sleeping in. I do think you're right he should be helping you but if he's been drugged up he probably NEEDS to sleep.

Sounds awful.

No it isn't worth 'breaking up a family' (although if that happened, it would be him doing it, not you - the problem has come from him) for one night of thoughtless behaviour. It's already more than that though, isn't it?

He's come home and instead of being shamefaced at being in the state he is when faced with his baby at home, he's taken himself off up to bed and when you've asked him to take his turn at parenting, he's simply said No. Just 'No - he's going to sleep off the drugs.'

So it's not 'just one night'. 'Just one night would be a tired, red-eyed and shamefaced DH currently sitting with your DS taking his turn after apologising profusely and saying it won't happen again. That's what would be defintiely not worth splitting up over.

A bloke who thinks it's just fine to do what he has, and after that also just fine to inform you that after you've taken on his parenting load for 36+ hours straight, you can fuck off if you think he's giving you a break as he deserves to recuperate from his drug binge.

Now that has all the hallmarks of being not at all fine and very much something worth splitting up for.

So I suggest you have a tlak with him when the delicate flower has recovered and tell him calmly and factually that if he takes drugs again, you will leave him, because you have no intention of being told by your own husband that he can't take his turn at parenting because he's on a drug comedown. Oh and YES you would be quite happy to tell anyone who asked that that's why you left. :)

I fear this thread might turn into a frenzy of people telling you your husband is a drug addict and pearl clutching about won't you just protect your child.
If it's a one off then it's a fuck up, we can all be guilty of those.
Hope he sees the error of his ways and you get some time to yourself to make up for it.

You're not "breaking up a family for one night".

You're refusing to accept that your DS and you come further down his list of priorities than cocaine and having to sleep off the come-down, lest he be tired.

What Fizzy wrote; I hope you take heed.

He used drugs before your child was born and now he has restarted when your son is just 8 months of age. So if he is not an addict nor addicted in your eyes then what is your definition of an addict?

Where are the consequences from you for his actions?. And no you would not be breaking up the family if you decided to part ways; he has done that anyway by his actions. If this is not a deal breaker to you in relationship terms what is?.

Excellent post, Fizzy.

Read that a few times, OP.

You made the choice as an adult to marry and have a child with a person who uses cocaine. Only you know if this is a one of use or a slip back to his old habits and if it's acceptable to you.