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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

AIBU DH in bed

95 replies

hengyhorris · 07/10/2017 14:41

DH went away last night with work friends and stayed over in a B&B. I stayed home alone with baby DS. He came home earlier and complained of being tired as he was up all night. The reason he couldn't sleep was he had been taking cocaine. I made some dinner which he ate then just got up and went upstairs to bed leaving me to tidy plates and everything away. I asked if he could come down but he said he's going to sleep. We have started taking turns having a lie in on a weekend and he said I won't be able to have mine tomorrow if he doesn't have a sleep today. Is it just me or is he being selfish? He went away yesterday morning so I have had DS on my own since then.

OP posts:

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kaitlinktm · 07/10/2017 15:55

He's not addicted, it's a social thing. I know it doesn't make it any better but he's not an addict

So it's a lifestyle choice then?

I agree with Fizzy too.

MGKROCKS · 07/10/2017 16:02

Your son is only 8 months old...so he's managed 8 months with out his drug..well done him..he's probably got a taste for it now..in your shoes I would of said before baba was born..no drugs to be taken whilst part of this family..feel free to leave ,and then take take them.not a chance in hell would I of put up with my dh doing drugs even once...before kids ,possibly,after,no fucking way..not the lifestyle I want for my kids

pictish · 07/10/2017 16:06

My husband wouldn't mind me going to bed to sleep off an all-nighter...he'd tuck me in. And vice versa.
Heavy nights out are a rarity and we both give one another room to enjoy them, including the day after too.
Fancy that.

hengyhorris · 07/10/2017 16:10

you are totally right fizzy

OP posts:

hengyhorris · 07/10/2017 16:11

pictish - is that with one of you looking after a baby alone for 2 days?

OP posts:

User02 · 07/10/2017 16:13

I would not be considerate of him having to sleep off a night of drug use. I would be furious that he had chosen to take drugs at all. The question of breaking up a family for one night of drugging taking would not even enter my head. Drug taking is a total NO for me.
As for moaning about having been on your own with baby for less than 24 hours, there will be a lot more times you have to be on your own with baby for a lot longer if he continues with drug use

pictish · 07/10/2017 16:13

Why should he be shame-faced and apologetic?

pictish · 07/10/2017 16:14

Yes...we're both perfectly capable of looking after a baby by ourselves for a couple of days and have done. Why?

hengyhorris · 07/10/2017 16:17

he left yesterday morning user it's not less than 24 hours

OP posts:

pictish · 07/10/2017 16:20

My kids are all older now...but yeah, when they were babies we still encouraged one another's autonomy, outside of being mum or dad. If that included the odd messy one, that was fine. It was never an issue.

chickenowner · 07/10/2017 16:21

I agree with Fizzy.

And I would not live with someone who thinks it's OK to take cocaine.

paxillin · 07/10/2017 16:24

Ignore him today. Make clear that drug time will not be accommodated in the planning in future.

pictish · 07/10/2017 16:25

I'm glad I'm not married to any of you lot.

User02 · 07/10/2017 16:29

hengy - Ok over 24 hours. You should be able to manage alone for a lot longer than that. In fact you should be prepared to look after a child throughout his/her life with or without a partner. All possibilities are possible.

Oly5 · 07/10/2017 16:30

Wow, some of these responses are a massive over-reaction. I personally don't think there's an issue with occasional drug use, even as an adult and parent. But I speak as somebody who spent a lot of nights out enjoying them when I was younger. People who say it's a dealbreaker tend to see the odd use as addiction!
Your DH is being selfish today and has been a nob not getting enough sleep.
But it's not a dealbreaker in my book. He just had a night out and overdid it, same as if he'd drunk too much.
Just make him owe you a load of you time!!

pictish · 07/10/2017 16:31

What's wrong with looking after your own baby by yourself?

pictish · 07/10/2017 16:33

"Your DH is being selfish today and has been a nob not getting enough sleep.
But it's not a dealbreaker in my book. He just had a night out and overdid it, same as if he'd drunk too much.
Just make him owe you a load of you time!!"

I agree with this. Seems like a realistic and sensible perspective to me.

Nancy91 · 07/10/2017 16:35

I'm another who thinks it's ok as a recreational thing, he probably isn't addicted. Tell him next weekend you want to chill in bed while he gets up and does the parenting. Job done.

pictish · 07/10/2017 16:39

No Nancy - have controlling hysterics about him being a traitor to fatherhood and consider ending the marriage...surely?

pictish · 07/10/2017 16:40

Mumsnet says so.

RedBlackberries · 07/10/2017 16:43

He owes you big time. He doesn't earn extra lie in rights because he couldn't fall asleep! Tell him that's bollocks and you will be taking your lie in regardless tomorrow.

I'm not a big fan of coke (basically because it turns normal friends into self obsessed boring wankers) but from what you've put I don't agree that he's got a problem. if it was every weekend and was interfering family life regularly then yes.

Zebra31 · 07/10/2017 16:44

I was about to say give your DP a break if it’s a one off / rarity then I read his in a state because his spent the night snorting cocaine. You have an 8 month old and your DP thinks it’s ok to spend all night getting shit faced on cocaine. Now his taken himself off to recover from his come down. The fact you are willing to allow this behaviour just gives him carte blanche to do it again.

Unfortunately I don’t think there will be any consequences for your DP because you don’t seem all that bothered about the drug taking. You seem more concerned about the fact his sleeping it off and you are left holding the baby. He will do it again and you will be left holding the baby again and again and again.

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Poshindevon · 07/10/2017 16:46

He's not addicted, it's a social thing. I know it doesn't make it any better but he's not an addict
Are you for real? 22
There is nothing you can do until he has slept it off.
You then need to talk to him, your far too tolerant. Drugs in any form are unacceptable, he is not single he is married and has responsibilities.,especially to his child. What a great role model.

endofthelinefinally · 07/10/2017 16:51

Have you got plenty of money in your family budget to spare to buy cocaine?
It isn't just the time away while using drugs (or alcohol), it is the time needed to come down /sober up and the uncertainty around the person remaining in a fit state to look after the baby when it is their turn.

Also - a person under the influence of anything is vulnerable and could have an accident.

I just think once you have a baby you need to grow up and act sensibly and be fair to your partner.

paxillin · 07/10/2017 16:52

I wouldn't see the cocaine as the big issue. My issue would be that he was out all night as agreed and now needs another full day and night to recover, not agreed.

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