AIBU DH in bed

[hengyhorris]

DH went away last night with work friends and stayed over in a B&B. I stayed home alone with baby DS. He came home earlier and complained of being tired as he was up all night. The reason he couldn't sleep was he had been taking cocaine. I made some dinner which he ate then just got up and went upstairs to bed leaving me to tidy plates and everything away. I asked if he could come down but he said he's going to sleep. We have started taking turns having a lie in on a weekend and he said I won't be able to have mine tomorrow if he doesn't have a sleep today. Is it just me or is he being selfish? He went away yesterday morning so I have had DS on my own since then.

BTW I speak as a mother who lost my son because he had an accident under the influence.

He's dumping family responsibilities to sleep off illegal drug use?

If he knew he was going to have a heavy night drinking and staying up, and had agreed with you to have not only the night before but the day after off, that's fair enough. But it to be coke, and not arranged, he's a dick.

I would not want to co-parent a child with someone who uses cocaine, even "socially".

But by that reasoning endoftheline, nobody would have a night out of heavy drinking either. Half pissed up/heavily hungover people don't make the best childcarers either.
Op, only you can decide if occasional nights out taking drugs are acceptable. For me they would be because I've been there, done that and don't see it as a big deal. And it also costs considerably less than drinking all night in my book!
It's your choice. I think he just owes you time off!

As with a lot of things, it depends on frequency. A big night and feeling the effects the day after is fine a few times a year. Every weekend, no.

My main problem is with me agreeing to him going away for the night but not for the full day today too! I'm going to talk to him about it because it's not fair. What if I had something planned? I can obviously cope by myself with ds but it's unfair him having a night away then a full day in bed while I do everything else. He's still in bed now.

Endoftheline. That also worries me what could happen

I'm completely with Fizzy.

It's not so much the drug use (although I'd have a huge problem with this too), but the fact that he's "told" you that he won't be taking his turn as "primary parent". That would be the biggest sticking point for me. What would happen if you did the same to him?

Most drug addicts started off as occasional/ social drug takers. I also very much doubt he spent all night snorting one single wrap of cocaine. I bet he did a shit load more than that on top of drinking alcohol to get into the state he sounds to be in. Very responsible behaviour for a father. I really don’t see this as comparable to a night getting drunk but maybe I am a stiff.

How much do you think he spent Op? A few hundred?

I hadn't even thought about the money before this thread zebra. I honestly have no idea how much he will of spent. I know there was about 5 of them doing it

It's not unfair if he'd do the same for you. He owes you one now, so next time you get invited out for a hair-down, you can trot off knowing you won't be getting up with the baby in the morning. Sweet!

Whatever the amount spent was money taken from their family budget.

I doubt very much you will get far with talking to him even when he has recovered from his night out.

I would rather not get into such a state I couldn't look after my own baby the next day even if he's owes me. What if an emergency happened and we had to go to the hospital?

I don't think I would see the coke as a big issue tbh. Aslong as hes not actually bringing it into the house, which would obviously be dangerous to your child. Mind I don't really see getting off your tits on drugs as too different to getting absolutely plastered. The attitude of 'well I got wrecked so I need sleep and if I don't get what I want then you don't get your lie in' would be my main problem here.

I would rather not get into such a state I couldn't look after my own baby the next day even if he's owes me. What if an emergency happened and we had to go to the hospital?

I completely agree with this.

Don't talk about recreational drug use on MN OP - apparently there's no such thing.

Like @pictish says - it's fine for you to give one another a break to have a messy night out every now and then. What isn't fine is unplanned messy nights out without the consent of the other partner. Because that's selfish arsehole behaviour.

I really can't see what the problem is, he had a blow out with his mates and people are saying his drug addiction is taking priority over his child!!! Get a grip. Let him have the baby tomorrow while you do your own thing.

Sometimes you don't plan it though. Everyone knows the best nights are the ones that just unfold that way...and they are rare.
From another pov, I have been ill and completely useless the next day after four glasses of wine before. Maybe I didn't have enough to eat before drinking or perhaps I was tired and run down in general? Who knows...but we all know the personal betrayal of the disproportionate hangover, don't we?

You can't always book in advance, no. Fwiw my dh has never called me a selfish arsehole for not.

What if you had to go to hospital in an emergency? You would go and you would deal. I don't see the relevance?

Pictish I don't drink at all for the reasons you are trying to say can happen to anyone. I used to get really bad hangovers so I wouldn't put myself in that position where it could happen now because of my son.

I’m with Pictish on this one. Find the over-reactions on his thread hilarious (and a little disturbing).

He went and had a blow out. We all need one occasionally. Was it ‘his turn’ to parent? was he even required to parent? Not really. There’s no rota. Your parents. It’s full-time 100%. Cit each other some slack FFS.

Give him a dose of liquid Night Nurse and let him sleep. Better to sleep it off and be responsible tomorrow.

You’re in credit a spurge. It’s how parenting as a grown up works. Give and take. Remember life before you had a baby? You’re still that person, as is he.

*Whatever the amount spent was money taken from their family budget
*
Maybe he has his own money?

He sounds like a bit of s selfish eejit on this occasion. But I certainly wouldn't be questioning my marriage over it, or letting people who don't know him tell me he's an addict.

He'd owe me one, simple as that.

You sound lovely FoxyinherRoxy

Glad you found the fact that my son died because of cocaine use hilarious.

OP, I hope you find a way through your situation. I need to leave this thread now as it is upsetting.

He went and had a blow out. We all need one occasionally.

Do we? Obviously that's where I've been going wrong.

That's your personal choice and I respect that. I wouldn't press you to do it differently...your choice is your own.

That was to OP, sorry.

endofthelinefinally I'm so sorry that your son died. I can only imagine your pain. This probably isn't a great thread for you, you're right. Hope to see you around on another one. xxx

Pictish I have to admit I used to have those unexpected nights out. TBH they were some of the best nights. Then we had DD and I have to admit that DH and I have never since she was born (nearly 4 years) got so fucked up we couldn’t look after DD the next day. But I guess everyone’s boundaries / limits ar3 different with regards these situations.

What if you had to go to hospital in an emergency? You would go and you would deal. I don't see the relevance?

You are right. You would go and you would deal but by god I wouldn’t want to be in a situation where we took DD into hospital and DH was on a cocaine come down. Imagine saying to a doctor my DD had an accident whilst he looked at your DH dilated pupils because he was on a cocaine come down. Red flags? SS call? Not a situation I would ever want to be in. But DH and I are both extremely risk averse (boring now)