Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being told what subjects I can't talk about

80 replies

EvoCo2 · 07/10/2017 08:28

My DP is quite an odd man. He is extremely bad at communication and shuts me down every time i try to talk to him about certain things.

For example, he has previously behaved disrespectfully with a colleague and when I tried to talk about it, he just kept avoiding the subject.

Whenever I speak to him about something he doesn't like he says to me 'Do we have to do this again?' When I explain that I never get a straight answer out of him he accuses me of being jealous/crazy/aggressive etc.

Things came to a head last night again when I asked him about one of his friends who is an awful person (has no respect for women). DP's friend is extremely selfish and wouldn't help anyone else out. My DP seems to hero worship him and has in the past found himself in unacceptable situations due to the friends behaviour.

My DP went out drinking with his friend over the weekend and stayed over afterwards. DP was telling me some of the awful things his friend had said on the night out (including that people 'like them' (DP and friend) were not cut out for relationships and should just use as many women as possible as all they are good for 'is an empty'.

I am horrified by this and asked him why he is friends with this man. He got quite forceful with me and told me in no in terms that he was sick of hearing me talk about his friend and that he was always going to be friends with him,

I feel like I'm being controlling but I really feel that this friend is awful. I just can't seem to get DP to see that- he thinks his friend is brilliant.

I've now been told this is something else I can't talk about.

I'm not sure there is anything left in the relationship that I can speak to him about.

Does anyone have any advice on how I should deal with this? I feel really down and need to do something to help the situation.

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 07/10/2017 08:29

Stop talking to him, permanently.

Seriously.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/10/2017 08:30

Tell him he will never crush your spirit and you will express your opinion freely regardless of his attempts to shush you.

You must accept that you cannot force him to agree with you and in that case also look st the sort of man your husband really is

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/10/2017 08:31

Yes, I have some advice. Leave this waste of molecules behind and show some self respect. No one deserves to be treated like that. He won't change, he hates women, and he hates you too deep down.

He is friends with that man because he feels the same as him and he likes talking about women in that way.

RunningOutOfCharge · 07/10/2017 08:31

Advice? Yes.yes I do

It’s time to move on

Good news is he is a DP rather than a DH so you are free to walk anytime with no complicated divorce

Don’t think many MNers will advise you to stay and ‘work things out’

Shouldileavethedogs · 07/10/2017 08:32

Dump him and find a nice man you can have lovely conversations with all hours of the day and night.

ShatterResistant · 07/10/2017 08:32

Just leave him. Hero-worshipping nasty people is a weird and unattractive quality. Plus, he's not very nice to you.

tigerdriverII · 07/10/2017 08:33

This isn’t really what you’d call a relationship, is it?

SparklyMagpie · 07/10/2017 08:34

Yes you leave this pathetic waste of space

What's making you stay in the awful relationship?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2017 08:34

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?

You deal with him by leaving him for good. Why have you put up with this at all from him to date?. Do not stay and try to understand this or why; this is who he is and his selfish friend who he seems to hero worship is the same. His behaviour is appalling not just to say controlling which is itself abusive. Shutting you down is another way of controlling you. He is also not above projecting his own stuff onto you either, all this "he accuses me of being jealous/crazy/aggressive etc" is he describing his own self here.

Abusive men like this as well can really mess with boundaries and it is for this reason that I would suggest you enrol on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid. Such people can and do take a long time to recover from.

SerendipityFelix · 07/10/2017 08:35

Goodness, are you going out with my ex?

Hint - he’s an ex.

Onecallaway · 07/10/2017 08:35

Why did you tell you that awful thing his mate said? Sounds like he agrees with him.

Original poster
EvoCo2 · 07/10/2017 08:43

I think he tells me because he prides himself on being brutally honest. The only time he has lied is when he told me he had been STI tested before we started sleeping together. It then transpired he wasn't sure whether he had been tested or not.

I'm shocked people think the situation is that bad. Perhaps I have just become so used to it.

I would also say, I'm not a perfect partner either. I recently did something thoughtless and selfish which really hurt his feelings. I've got another thread on here but essentially, I went out with a friend on my birthday as I wasn't sure if he was going to be around due to his work pressures. I've apologised and he seems to have forgiven me. Sorry if this is a drip feed.

My Mam is taking me on holiday on Monday, so I will have some space to think.

I will take a look at the freedom programme stuff. Thanks.

OP posts:
Bonez · 07/10/2017 08:46

Forgiven you for going out on your own birthday because he couldn't be pinned down for plans? He nice of him!

You need to walk. He sounds dreadful to be around.

Bonez · 07/10/2017 08:47

Sorry there's a few errors in my previous posEaster Smile

MarissaWalters · 07/10/2017 08:47

Dump him

Gotthetshirt23 · 07/10/2017 08:48

Wasn't sure if he'd been tested or not ?

Sorry - you know when that happens !
Confused

YoureAnArseholeDenise · 07/10/2017 08:51

Do you really need to ask? Really?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2017 08:55

Evo

The more you write about him the more I wonder why you are together at all. His behaviours towards you are appalling and what is also sad here is that you have put up with this from him to date. He does not care about you at all and all that re his lying and not knowing about whether he'd had STI testing should have had you dump him immediately. You've also apologised to him for he making you feel like shit (I remember that thread of yours as well). It does make me think that your boundaries are so low as to be almost non existent so making you an ideal person for the likes of he to target.

I read this from another poster on a thread this morning and what you wrote re "I'm not a perfect partner either" sprung to mind.

This poster wrote the following:-

"No one is perfect!' is the cop out fall back line churned out by people who tend to tolerate crap behaviour as if it's some kind of amazing insight"

You get nothing out of this relationship do you? I think you have tolerated this from him and have become accepting almost of it. You should say to yourself no more; I should value myself more highly because you clearly do not. You've never behaved as he does either and you do not go around abusing other people. Are you with him because you think he can still change?

Is your mother supportive; has she asked you outright why you are together at all?

LazyDailyMailJournos · 07/10/2017 08:59

I saw your previous thread.

All I can say is that if you honestly think you were thoughtless and selfish to go out on YOUR birthday because he refused to tell you what his plans were - and then when he consequently threw an epic sulk when you'd, quite reasonably, made alternative arrangements...then you seriously need to work on your self-esteem. Seriously.

This man is selfish and unpleasant and I would be dumping him as a priority. He's friends with the vile arsehole because he agrees with his views. When someone tells you what they are, then you should listen.

MegRichardson · 07/10/2017 09:00

It doesn't look as if he likes you very much.

He sounds vile.

I wonder if he has latent gay tendencies, with what you were saying about his misogynistic mate (not that all gay men hate women)

jeaux90 · 07/10/2017 09:04

Yuck. He sounds awful. Why are you putting up with this shit. You sound lovely.

Go on holiday, tell your mum what's going on and hopefully she will support you leaving this obnoxious asshat of a man

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 07/10/2017 09:04

As Bonez had pointed out rather succinctly, you did nothing wrong on your birthday. You went out with a friend - great! I hope you had a good time. It was your birthday; you deserve it.

He's clearly made you think you did something wrong, though.

My XH prided himself on being honest. He always just said what he thought. I thought it was a positive character trait to begin with. Over the years, I realised how negative and damaging his thoughts were: and I had to hear the lot of them. He never thought a good thing about me, for one thing. He never thought a bad thing about himself, for another. Although he was obsessed with the ways in which other people were spoiling his life.

Anyway, I digress. As a PP said: hint - he's an ex.

I'm not saying leave him because he tells you about dodgy conversations. Or because he has crap choice in friends. But I reckon with the attitudes he's showing that there's a lot more going on that you haven't mentioned and are probably not even aware of. Like his criticism of your birthday plans, I'm sure he's conditioned you to find other things normal which really aren't.

LaContessaDiPlump · 07/10/2017 09:06

You don't need to be perfect to merit respectful, kind treatment op; we are all human and have more-or-less tolerable flaws. The point is that most of us are striving to improve ourselves and regret the negative impact on others. He really doesn't though, does he.

SerendipityFelix · 07/10/2017 09:08

FFS woman you do not need to be forgiven for going out with a friend on your birthday! That is a completely normal thing to do! Why on earth are you worrying about hurting his feelings, he seems to unapologetically trash yours all the time.

You really believe that he didn’t know whether he’d been STI tested or not? Unless he has severe learning difficulties I can’t really see how a grown adult cannot know whether they had a medical test or not, especially ones that generally involve voluntarily attending a specific clinic.

Can you answer why you are with him? What are his good points, what does he add to your life?

Alittlepotofrosie · 07/10/2017 09:09

Why would you need to be forgiven for going out with a friend on your birthday? A normal person would have said "ok sorry i didn't get back to you, let's go out tomorrow instead". He's a waste of space and the reason he doesn't want to shut down his friends is because he agrees with every little word he says. You can do SO much better. Imagine being able to have a conversation with the person you share your life worth, without thinking about whether you're allowed to say it or not.