Being told what subjects I can't talk about

[EvoCo2]

My DP is quite an odd man. He is extremely bad at communication and shuts me down every time i try to talk to him about certain things.

For example, he has previously behaved disrespectfully with a colleague and when I tried to talk about it, he just kept avoiding the subject.

Whenever I speak to him about something he doesn't like he says to me 'Do we have to do this again?' When I explain that I never get a straight answer out of him he accuses me of being jealous/crazy/aggressive etc.

Things came to a head last night again when I asked him about one of his friends who is an awful person (has no respect for women). DP's friend is extremely selfish and wouldn't help anyone else out. My DP seems to hero worship him and has in the past found himself in unacceptable situations due to the friends behaviour.

My DP went out drinking with his friend over the weekend and stayed over afterwards. DP was telling me some of the awful things his friend had said on the night out (including that people 'like them' (DP and friend) were not cut out for relationships and should just use as many women as possible as all they are good for 'is an empty'.

I am horrified by this and asked him why he is friends with this man. He got quite forceful with me and told me in no in terms that he was sick of hearing me talk about his friend and that he was always going to be friends with him,

I feel like I'm being controlling but I really feel that this friend is awful. I just can't seem to get DP to see that- he thinks his friend is brilliant.

I've now been told this is something else I can't talk about.

I'm not sure there is anything left in the relationship that I can speak to him about.

Does anyone have any advice on how I should deal with this? I feel really down and need to do something to help the situation.

Sorry OP - think he is awful; controlling and horrible - this is not a "partnership". I always hated the word "partner" for BF/DH but I get it now you need to respect and care for each other not feel you're walking on eggshells and are there to be used (you) or controlling and vindictive (him).

It is unfortunately very easy to end up in your situation (been there myself) and to lose your sense of self so much that you are questioning your own values and morals. Atilla has put it very well.

Be strong OP and please please don't waste anymore time - can you chat to your mam? I wish I had ... mine was overjoyed when I eventually left. Good luck

If you think your mum will be supportive then tell her everything. I bet you've hidden what he's like up til now haven't you? I'd it because you know things aren't quite right?

I’m not meaning to sound harsh on you btw, sorry if that’s the tone coming across. It’s anger at his attitude, and sadness for you.

OP you can't change how people are, what you see is what he is, relationships are about getting on together, you are putting so much effort into trying to make him want you and behave how you want, by your own admission he's horrible and mixes with horrible people because that's him and he likes it how it is.
You are responsible for your own behaviour- leave him and find yourself, then someone lovely will come along. you are flogging a dead horse here

If he is telling you these things about his friend, and repeating the crap he spouts you can bet your DP shares those views.

If you want to be heard, refuse to listen to him until he can show you the courtesy of allowing you to speak. I had this with my ex, eventually I just stopped speaking, looked straight through him when he spoke, or made it obvious I was bored and distracted. He used to walk away when I was speaking, so I started to do the same to him. Took several weeks but he eventually asked, and I told him.

This is bad bt it's worse you can't see that it's had and your example of being selfish wasn't selfish at all!!

Sounds like he agrees with his friend,the friend isn’t the issue, he is. The friends irrelevant. And what’s wrong with going out with a friend, why would you apologise for that?

Honestly, bin him off, tell him he’s right, he shouldn’t be in a relationship and to do one.

God. An sti check on a bloke involves a cotton bud in the willy iirc he wouldn't forget it!!

He sounds so embarrassingly immature I'm cringing.

He's clearly vile but god get rid of him before you're too associated with him!

Freedom programme is great and actually quite enjoAyble and nurturing.

Op enjoy holiday with your mum trust me with a few hours away and time to think you will run a mile x

OP, yes, he sounds awful, yes, I think you should run but I know that you probably won’t yet. However, ask yourself what nice things does this person do for me, say to me and do with me? I’m guessing not very many- he sounds unpleasant and probably not adding too much of anything to your life.

Unfortunately he is eating away at your self esteem.
Controlling what you are allowed to speak about is probably just the tip of the iceberg.
Read Lundy Bancroft..."Why Does He Do That".
He's telling you what his friend has said about relationships and using women to make you feel insecure.
Basically he has no respect for you and that will not change but tends to get worse.

My husband does this, or used to (he's being nice at the mo), but I came to realise that my soul was crushed after years of not speaking and internalising my thoughts. I'm working on getting out and being free! This is not a healthy relationship and you deserve better! Your opinion is allowed!

Thank you. I suppose everything he does he can justify and he has an uncanny ability to make everything out to be my fault.

I know deep down that if someone had asked me before we got together if I'd be happy with the treatment I'm getting now I'd have run a mile. It just seems so hard to do now.

He doesn't really add a great deal to my life other than making me feel pretty worthless.

My Mam absolutely hates him. I'm looking forward to some sunshine and time to myself.

Pack your bags and run for the hills. 💐

He's an abusive cunt! Why not dump him now and take off on your holiday? Do you live together? If I were your mam I'd want to cut his nuts off.

I've not only been in an abusive relationship myself but as a result met many others who have. Do you know what we all often have said? "I'm not perfect either...." followed by an example of us making some fuck up or other in our relationships. Do you know what tho? It doesn't take away from the fact that our exes have hurt us in various ways. It's still not ok for them to behave this way. And I do think it's something we have been groomed to believe by these men. A stick to beat us with.

This odious man hangs around with people like his friend because they are both nasty arseholes. They both believe the women hating shite they spout. Get the fuck away from him. God knows what he thinks and says about you personally but I bet it's not pleasant.

When people say "Person X says this (horrible thing about women/you/whatever" what they actually mean is " I think this horrible misogynist thing, but I'm too much of a coward to actually own it."

He prides himself on being abusive & treating women as sub-human.

Why continue this? Why hurt your mum like this? Why hurt yourself?

He lied to you. He hasn't been checked out. Get an STI check ASAP.

Please ditch him, now you've admitted he actually only drags you down. Life's too short. Do you live together and whose house is it if so?

You’re asking the wrong question. It isn’t ‘why is he an arsehole?’ but ‘why am in a relationship with an arsehole’? The good news, you can totally answer the second and if you are having problems identifying why, seek support (therapist, freedom programme etc) in finding out.

Talk to your mam and leave this waste of space

We don't live with each other fortunately. I have been checked STI wise since and am thankfully ok.

What he actually said was that he got confused as to whether the STI test was before or after the last time he had sex before me. What made it worse was that sex was paid sex abroad without any protection.

I can't actually believe I'm writing this. Reading my posts back is just a bit horrifying. Is this me?

I'm going to speak to my Mam whilst on holiday and see where I can go from there.

Thanks again.

Paid, abroad, no protection and no idea if he was checked - yep sounds like a keeper.

Run for the hills!

Listen to your mother.

What made it worse was that sex was paid sex abroad without any protection

He’s really done a number on you, or someone else did first. It sounds like the scales are falling from your eyes, hold onto that, feel the disbelief, shock, anger. Use it to break free. Sounds like your Mam is probably waiting to support you, keep posting if it helps as well. But if you don’t live together, all you need to do is send him a message that it’s over, delete and block him. Change your locks if he has his own key. Leave a box of any stuff he’s left at yours in a neutral location for him to collect. It’d be that simple.

I think your mum has got a good point. Time to listen to her.