Being told what subjects I can't talk about

[EvoCo2]

My DP is quite an odd man. He is extremely bad at communication and shuts me down every time i try to talk to him about certain things.

For example, he has previously behaved disrespectfully with a colleague and when I tried to talk about it, he just kept avoiding the subject.

Whenever I speak to him about something he doesn't like he says to me 'Do we have to do this again?' When I explain that I never get a straight answer out of him he accuses me of being jealous/crazy/aggressive etc.

Things came to a head last night again when I asked him about one of his friends who is an awful person (has no respect for women). DP's friend is extremely selfish and wouldn't help anyone else out. My DP seems to hero worship him and has in the past found himself in unacceptable situations due to the friends behaviour.

My DP went out drinking with his friend over the weekend and stayed over afterwards. DP was telling me some of the awful things his friend had said on the night out (including that people 'like them' (DP and friend) were not cut out for relationships and should just use as many women as possible as all they are good for 'is an empty'.

I am horrified by this and asked him why he is friends with this man. He got quite forceful with me and told me in no in terms that he was sick of hearing me talk about his friend and that he was always going to be friends with him,

I feel like I'm being controlling but I really feel that this friend is awful. I just can't seem to get DP to see that- he thinks his friend is brilliant.

I've now been told this is something else I can't talk about.

I'm not sure there is anything left in the relationship that I can speak to him about.

Does anyone have any advice on how I should deal with this? I feel really down and need to do something to help the situation.

He uses prostitutes?

Um, yes, dump. Scumbag.

Seriously ?

AF - I wish I was making this up. Sadly not.

Seriously? You have to ask?

Run for the fucking hills. Why are you even hesitating?

It sounds like he's manage to erode your self-esteem to the point where you aren't sure whether to believe your own instincts that he is being vile or his messages that you're rubbish and don't deserve any better.

I know deep down that if someone had asked me before we got together if I'd be happy with the treatment I'm getting now I'd have run a mile. It just seems so hard to do now.

Listen to your own words. You know this is not a healthy relationship. It is almost certain to get worse with time.

You have become used to being treated badly by someone who is supposed to love you. Now you've had a wake-up call, listen to it and walk away. I guarantee you that, once you have disconnected from him, you will look back and wonder why you put up with how he treated you.

If you wouldn't advise your best friend to stay in a relationship like this one, don't do it yourself. You deserve better too.

If this is real there are no words to convince you to end it.

You will or you won't

It's like trying to help a crack cocaine addict. If you really want to stop, you will walk away from him. Until then, trying to make you see it's the right course of action is like pissing in the wind.

My husband used prostitutes when he was with his first wife. When we first met I asked him to be tested for STIs. He refused stating that his then wife had had an STI scare with her 3rd pregnancy but it had all been ok so there was no need. He was rubbish at using condoms. Had I been relying on them they would have failed almost without question.

He also used to tell me "Don't" say/do/think.

It has been a long haul to get divorce in process. It had to be his decision. So he had me arrested. He told the police I had punched him. He then lied to his solicitor and said I had kicked him. I have neither punched nor kicked him, ever.

Sadly the only thing to do is to get out. The Coercive Control law really isn't worth the paper it's written on unless you have a trail of concrete evidence which applies to the laws previously in place.

The police expect you to keep a diary. I have been posting things here for years. I have no idea if that counts.
Lots of and (((((hugs)))) to you.

It is staggering what we get sucked into.

Your mam is a wise woman. Leave the shitstain to a sad and lonely single life with his arsehole friends.

Easytoeatiger, I'm not a lawyer but I presume it's possible to prove your posts here were written by you, in which case I don't see why theywould be any less use as evidence than a diary. You may find there are events there that others can corroborate. Worth asking a solicitor, esp if you know one who specialises in DV

I don't want to hijack your thread, EvoCo2. It had never occured to me that my posts would have been written by someone else. My posts here do link up with police reports. I have no idea if that counts. I have a very good solicitor who specialises in DV.

OP, please record anything, anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. I wrote things on MN but not on paper. I didn't know what else to do or who to talk to or what the hell was going on.

EasyToEatTiger you're more than welcome on this thread. I hope you can get your situation sorted.

Evo, you know what you need to do. This is not a good man, or a good man for you.

You're selling yourself way short and signing up for a lifetime of upset.

I'm at the airport and looking forward to my break.

However, I'm now thinking I'm the one in the wrong and that actually I am the controlling one. I don't think I would like it if he was telling me he didn't like my friends. On the other hand, if my friends behaved like that, I don't think I would be friends with them. Then five minutes later I swing back the other way and think actually this man is a total arse.

Anyway, he is doing his usual thing of ignoring me under the guise of giving me space to 'calm down and reflect'. I am totally calm.

Had a bit of a crisis yesterday with my car and he didn't even offer to help me.

I'm seriously messed up.

How can being single and available to a good man be worse than being tied to this utter turd?

He has no respect for your opinion, and by extension, none for you.
If he had any respect for you, he'd listen to what you have to say - but he doesn't, he shuts you down.
He doesn't want to give up his friend because secretly he wants to be like him.

In all honesty, I'd give him his wish - cut him loose.

This is ALL him. even if you're not the easiest person to be with (entirely subjective and currently the person whose subjective opinion you're listening to has zero respect for you), if he LOVED you, he'd deal with it. He doesn't deal with it except by shutting you down - that's not dealing with anything, it's being a controlling wankshit.

Of course you think it's your fault now, because he's conditioned you to think that way. In your brain, it's now your fault that you had a car crisis, and also that he refused to help you. It's NOT you, it IS HIM.

I know. I was just thinking yesterday that if the tables were turned and be needed me, I would have gone and helped him without question.

I suppose that's my answer isn't it?

Do you seriously think that he says nice things about you when he goes out drinking with his hideous mate? Or do you think he joins in with his hero's misogyny?

He has used prostitutes in the past. If his mate feels like picking up a woman or a prostitute does your DP just come home?

The lying about an STI test at the beginning of your relationship might not just be laziness. If he infects you with something he caught last week he might try and claim he's had it for ages and didn't know.

Just because he claims he's honest doesn't mean he is. Look at Iago from Othello, using his self proclaimed honesty as a way of fooling people.

Let your mum deprogramme you on holiday.

OK, you don't have a right to tell your DP who he can be friends with, any more than he has a right to tell you who you can have as a friend or to stop you going out with them. But what's going on here is not that he goes out with someone you don't like/approve of whilst you wait at home with folded arms to give him a hard time when he gets back. He insists on telling you all the ghastly things the friend has said which he knows - from experience if nothing else - are going to upset you, and refuses to condemn those things or even let you comment. Basically he's rubbing your nose in his friend's unpleasantness. That's not honest, that's unnecessary. (XBIL used to say horrible things in front of company such as that his wife had a big arse, and then say he was "only being honest". She did indeed have a big arse at the time, but has since divorced it )

Given that you don't even live with this unpleasant (and untruthful, whatever his boast) person, it should be easy enough to give him the slip. He'll get over it, and so will you. Just don't think of it as inflicting pain on your former lover, think of it as setting him free to find a woman who suits him better. He may say that's not what he wants but really, do him a favour, let him go. And then get out there and find a nice man who actually likes women. You're human, so you're not perfect pretty much by definition, but you deserve fifty times better than this unkindness.

Bottom line is, you do not have to stay with somebody who doesn't treat you right just because you have had sex with them/referred to them as your partner/been going out with them for x months/years. You can leave them any time you want to, for any reason or none, but in any case it sounds like you've got a lot of reason.

Remember the old story of the class who were asked to add punctuation to the sentence: "woman without her man is nothing". All the boys changed it to "Woman, without her man, is nothing" whilst all the girls put "Woman: without her, man is nothing." You need to take the second version on board!

Great post Annie.

Evo I hope you enjoy your time away. I’m not going to write things to try and ‘persuade’ you to LTB any further; you need to do it for yourself rather than for the internet after all .

At the end of the day, no one else is going to put you first in life (except maybe your parents), so you have to look after your own best interests first. You don’t owe him anything.

Have a good time with your Mam, and have a good think about what your life could be like without him in it

Have a wonderful time away, Evo! I hope you have time to gather your strength and your thoughts and relax!

You are quite ok to tell your partner that you find the company he keeps appalling. You really don't need to be part of that company.

I am still waking up in the morning feeling hideously anxious. Just worried and afraid of what will happen next. There is so much to do and plan.The house is in no condition to sell. It has a new roof but is crumbling from the bottom. I need to sort that one out and sort out estate agents etc.

My current view! I feel better already. Thanks for the support everyone. Been for lunch with my Mam and told her everything. She's shocked but supportive.

We really need to start handing out awards for "Shittest Man" posted about.

Or printing off threads like this and teaching kids in high school a) what not to be like and b) what a total fucking undateable shitstain looks like.

If a man tells you there is a topic you may not discuss, you laugh in his dickish face and you leave.

If a man tells you he will always prioritise his revolting friend over you, you laugh in his face and you leave.

I really hope the Freedom Program helps you see that this is not 'a partner', this is a shitehawk, and you deserve so much better.

looks lovely, Evo....you realise it's grey and damp here in the UK?
have a lovely time with your mum and don't waste time thinking about that waste of space.
But when you get back
have a read of this thread
and maybe look for a local Freedom Programme
good luck!

I'm having a lovely time away but he has just messaged me as if everything is normal. This is what he does and I fall into the trap EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I've made huge lists of his faults and how badly he has treated me but my heart has leapt upon receiving the message and I feel much happier.

I'm really annoyed with myself. My behaviour is not normal. This man is awful to me and makes me unhappy. So why does it matter so much to me that he messages me?

I'm trying really hard not to reply. I'm going to turn my phone off.

I've just blocked him.