I've got myself a sulker... what to do?!

[24Ls]

Hi everyone! Currently needing a bit of perspective/help on how to deal with a major sulker!

We have been together for almost 3 years - currently in the process of saving for a house (we have saved but just need a final mortgage meeting before we can get the ball rolling) and are very much happy... 95% of the time.

My partner seems to have sulks at the exact same time every few months. I can predict exactly when they will come and feel myself start to dread them. They go on for a few days and then he snaps straight back to normal as though nothing ever happened.

The current one has resulted in me coming home to stay at my parents as I can't be in the house with him when he's so low and miserable. He will wake up in the morning and not acknowledge me and leave the house with just a 'bye'. Usually he would give me a kiss, ask about my day and say 'love you' as he left. He stomps about and slams doors, and makes it blatantly obvious he's in the same room as me but won't acknowledge me at all. When I try and start a discussion he just grunts or gives a single word and then back to stone cold silence.

I should add for the rest of the year we're absolutely great - we share a lot of mutual interests but spend our time apart (me with the gym, him with the gym/pub), we go travelling a lot together and have no arguments, just minor disagreements that resolve within the same hour. We aren't a couple that struggle to communicate, but during these few days a year there is no getting anything out of him.

I just want to know if anyone else experiences this with their partner and what they do to combat it?! I'm sick to death of having days every few months where I feel I have to remove myself from his life as we life as two strangers.

Ferrier I skipped 4 pages to say the exact same thing.

It seems really unfair to day he's sulking. Sulking implies a reaction to something someone has done to him. So you say no sex, no dinner, I'm going out etc and he sulks to control.

He isn't trying to control you. He isn't seeking to stop you doing stuff.

A couple of weeks into e very new term work gets on top of him. He has a period of emotional overload and closes down. After a few days he pushes through, listens to your feelings on the matter and moves on.

Either accept that this is part of his moods ehilat in current job - it simply isn't about YOU so don't react, just carryout n as normal. Or try to support him to tackle it. Or leave be use you can't be with someone who doesn't priorities you over their own struggles

Do bear in mind the impact of his behaviour on future children (assuming you're planning to have a family). It's very poignant to read the huge impact that a sulking parent has had on people posting here. This may be something to discuss with him when you have your heart to heart. I bet he'd be horrified.

I wouldn't want to put up with this and wouldn't but it doesn't sound like "sulking" to me, it sounds like very low mood related to feeling hopeless about his job. If he was sulking at you he would be nit picking and looking for reasons to have a go at you. I think the idea that "he's controlling and abusive" is a bit misplaced really.

So has he now booked an appointment at the GP to discuss these symptoms he has been worried about? Or has it gone onto the back burner again now he's made you feel guilty for being cool towards him?

Update - DP is booked in to go to the GP about his health issues and has agreed he needs to mention how his mood is intertwined with this and try to get to the bottom of it.

His actions at the moment definitely smack of guilt - he's trying to cook all my favourite meals every night, take me out for dinner, suggest loads of trips we can do etc. He doesn't usually do this afterwards, usually business as usual, so I think it may have hit home this time - fingers crossed.

I agree reading the responses that sulking might be a strong word to use - at no point would I class his behaviour towards me as abusive/controlling, just low and a bit distant, but at no point did he stonewall me etc. or throw a strop because he wasn't getting his own way.

This has definitely made me think twice about raising children etc with him - something definitely needs addressing with his moods before I think I would ever go down that path.

There’s a big difference between being withdrawn and quiet and sulking. I’m quite often depressed at the moment, but I (hope) dh knows that it’s not him - I communicate, I tell him I love him, I’m just feeling rotten. I do t do the silent treatment, I dont sulk.

Withdrawal of affection to control behaviour = sulking. You are an adult and have the emotional resources to deal with this, but it’s HUGELY damaging for children to experience this. To a child, withdrawal of parental resource (affection) means a risk to their very existence. It’s beyond damaging.

It’s ok for him to be stressed and down about work.
It’s NOT ok to sulk
It’s NOT ok to deflect and gaslight you.

I would not be buying a house or bringing kids into the equation. I’d be thinking very seriously about my future

He stomps about and slams doors does not equate with at no point would I class his behaviour towards me as abusive/controlling, just low and a bit distant, but at no point did he stonewall me etc. or throw a strop

Does this sound familiar OP?

The perpetrator may begin to feel remorse, guilty feelings, or fear that their partner will leave or call the police. The victim feels pain, fear, humiliation, disrespect, confusion, and may mistakenly feel responsible.[5]

Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident, this phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do his or her best to change. During this stage the abuser may feel or claim to feel overwhelming remorse and sadness. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the survivor with love and affection. The abuser may use self-harm or threats of suicide to gain sympathy and/or prevent the survivor from leaving the relationship. Abusers are frequently so convincing, and survivors so eager for the relationship to improve, that survivors (who are often worn down and confused by longstanding abuse) stay in the relationship.[7][8]

It's the reconciliation phase in the cycle of abuse. Please take the time to read around these behaviours - it may be quite an eye-opener for you.

PLEASE do not buy a house with this man.
My dad is like this - turns on the grumps every few weeks and its soul destroying to live with. My mum has put up with it for 45 years and it’s horrible to watch the abuse/enable relationship.
My dad always blamed his job, but now he’s retired, he can’t blame his job and now blames my Mum.
Get out now.

If this was the other way around...

'Are you sure she's not depressed?'

'It's very disrespectful to call her emotional issues 'sulking', when she could be in serious emotional turmoil.'

'She's obviously going through so much and you're whining about kisses. Selfish.'

'You left her and went to your parents when she needed you the most?! Man up!'

'You should take a good look at what YOU'RE doing to make her feel so bad.'

I disagree mama.

The ops husband isn’t depressed and needing support, he’s emotionally manipulative to get what he wants, and express his resentment. It’s a different dynamic altogethet

I had one of these. I wasn't exactly understanding about it but if he had been behaving like a complete knob and he subsequently deigned to 'explain' himself I would listen to his explanation and engage with it.

Once we had kids i came to the realisation that all his explanations were bollocks and he was basically doing it because he thought he was more important than we were. At this point I told him I wanted him to leave because I didn't want to live with someone who felt entitled to behave like that and i didn't want my sons learning that this was how men were allowed / supposed to behave. He tried to 'explain' so I interrupted him and told him his reasons were of no interest or relevance to me. Once he got over his outrage he engaged in some soul searching and he basically stopped doing it overnight.

Life is much nicer now, for all of us. The only reason it worked out so well, though, is because it turned out he didn't actually believe in his unacknowledged assumption of superiority once he was forced to properly examine it

Yes to the not engaging with explanations! If he's explaining what he is actually doing is explaining why it is OK for him to treat you badly. Shutting it down sends a powerful message that he simply needs to sort it out in his own head enough to change behaviour. His head sorting is not your problem.