I've got myself a sulker... what to do?!

[24Ls]

Hi everyone! Currently needing a bit of perspective/help on how to deal with a major sulker!

We have been together for almost 3 years - currently in the process of saving for a house (we have saved but just need a final mortgage meeting before we can get the ball rolling) and are very much happy... 95% of the time.

My partner seems to have sulks at the exact same time every few months. I can predict exactly when they will come and feel myself start to dread them. They go on for a few days and then he snaps straight back to normal as though nothing ever happened.

The current one has resulted in me coming home to stay at my parents as I can't be in the house with him when he's so low and miserable. He will wake up in the morning and not acknowledge me and leave the house with just a 'bye'. Usually he would give me a kiss, ask about my day and say 'love you' as he left. He stomps about and slams doors, and makes it blatantly obvious he's in the same room as me but won't acknowledge me at all. When I try and start a discussion he just grunts or gives a single word and then back to stone cold silence.

I should add for the rest of the year we're absolutely great - we share a lot of mutual interests but spend our time apart (me with the gym, him with the gym/pub), we go travelling a lot together and have no arguments, just minor disagreements that resolve within the same hour. We aren't a couple that struggle to communicate, but during these few days a year there is no getting anything out of him.

I just want to know if anyone else experiences this with their partner and what they do to combat it?! I'm sick to death of having days every few months where I feel I have to remove myself from his life as we life as two strangers.

He's not even 30?! Can you really picture the rest of your life with this man if you're that young now? It sounds more like a punishment than a joy.

Are you hoping to have children one day? Not only will they see his sulking as a rejection of them, they'll learn it from him as he's learnt it from his parents.

Plus what's to say that if he changes jobs he won't find it more stressful and sulk more? It's not his job that's the problem, it's how he reacts to it and treats you.

Oh dear. You've basically realised that he's jealous of you because he thinks your job is what he should be doing/you have it easier than him - and he holds you responsible, in some way, for how stressful he finds his job.

He also sounds as though he's one of those people who kind of 'copies' other people's choices, possibly because he has a deep insecurity about his ability to make his own choices (I wonder what happened to him as a child when he did make choices? You should ask him. 10:1, if it went wrong, his father, even his mother, would blame him for being stupid and I'll bet he was brought up not to 'rock the boat'.)

I wonder what he's like about making adult, serious decisions? You may find that he manipulates you into the position of having to do a lot of the emotional work/emotional decision making in the home but then criticises your choices, undermines them and criticises you for not taking his opinions into account.

It sounds far-fetched, doesn't it? But I have a theory that 'sulking' is quite a deep thing, and goes with a whole constellation of tricky behaviour around the ability to handle responsibility, autonomy and communication.

It sounds far-fetched, doesn't it? But I have a theory that 'sulking' is quite a deep thing, and goes with a whole constellation of tricky behaviour around the ability to handle responsibility, autonomy and communication.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. Sulking is a very complicated way of communicating, and all the stuff about work stress is just a superficial explanation which completely misses his real issues.

Op - I used to be a short term sulker. I had no idea it was emotional abuse but it makes perfect sense after reading Atillas post.

Subconsciously I didn't want to hurt the other people I was in relationships with - it was more that I wanted to stop hurting myself. My sense of rejection was so deep I couldn't find my way out or turn it around. I was rejected as a child and have worked through past issues over many years but I think what finally tipped the balance was being in a relationship with someone who absolutely did not react to my sulking at all.

I think my sulking was to do with not feeling good enough and 'testing' if the other person cared enough.

The other thing I did was to read a lot about not believing the things you think [because if you are emotionally damaged you don't think straight at all.] and changing the way you think but no one could have helped with this process. I had to do it on my own. I had to have the motivation to learn. I no longer sulk at all. It's completely pointless, unnecessary and damaging to both parties.

Interestingly as an adult I found out that my father used to sulk for up to a week at a time however I never had any contact with him after the age of 18 months.

I think you need to work out how to stop them from affecting you. They're short-lived. he resolves them unaided. You say you get on very well otherwise and have lots in common.

No-one is perfect and smiley 100% of the time. Men are expected to understand and put up with PMT. I don't get why some posters on MN expect men to be Stepford paragons of a partner and should be left immediately if they fall short of this 24/7. (Not saying this is your attitude OP but lots of advice is overly cautious.)

If you think he's worth it and lovely and just understandably sulky occasionally due to work pressures, then build up some resilience to it. If you think it's a pattern that is developing and indicative of troubling times ahead, that's different.

And he too needs to learn some resilience. He needs to bounce back from that one rejection by an agency and make a plan for how to get into the field of work he really wants to pursue. Sound slike there';s a bit of emotional maturing to do but you say he;s under 30, so no wonder. The adult brain doesn't even stop fgrowing until we're about 28. I was an emotional nightmare until then. At 28 some switch went off and I grew up and married DH and everything clamed down. You sound like you really like him. And he is in a bloody stressful profession. Give him a chance.

Maybe he is being controlling and abusive or maybe that's just the way he deals with stress?
My mum takes great pride in telling everyone how she's not a sulker , how she might shout for a bit but then it's all off her chest and she can move on unlike me . She used to love telling her friends about what a sulker I was and she didn't know where I got it from. The reality was, when she got in a temper, whether it was justified or not she would hurl abuse at me , make all kinds of accusations and call me names. Then half an hour later be all sweetness and light and expect me to be the same. But actually I was upset and hurt and couldn't just forget the things she said - therefore I was a sulker. Now even as an adult I sulk , it's not me trying to make you feel uncomfortable , in fact it's the complete opposite, it's because I feel uncomfortable. I'm not confrontational because I learnt from an early age that saying anything just increased the temper. So when I'm in a situation , whether it's someone who has upset me, a financial problem or anything that is causing me stress I just kind of go into myself. I just need to sort my head out, mull over things in my own time and I can't talk to anyone about it until I've got my own head around it. I'm not trying to be manipulative, I just shut down because I don't want to do or say anything that might aggravate the situation.

I think you need to beware of this being about you finding the solution. You need to tell him that this is a dealbreaker; he needs to find solutions, not you. I wouldn't be averse to giving him another chance, but there needs to be real change, instigated by him.

I wouldn't even suggest solutions to him - he absolutely has to take ownership of this problem himself.

I'm a teacher too, as is dh, and it can certainly take its toll. But as another poster said upthread, your dp can control it - presumably he does so at school.

It reminds me of a lot of threads where people talk about their child behaving well at school and then being a nightmare at home. The parents are often reassured by posters saying that this is because the child feels loved and safe at home and so that is the only place they feel ok to let out their anger. This is understandable in a child, but it is not ok for an adult to use their partner as a safe, reliable emotional punchbag.

So when I'm in a situation , whether it's someone who has upset me, a financial problem or anything that is causing me stress I just kind of go into myself. I just need to sort my head out, mull over things in my own time and I can't talk to anyone about it until I've got my own head around it. I'm not trying to be manipulative, I just shut down because I don't want to do or say anything that might aggravate the situation

I sympathise, Cantthink I sometimes act the same - I find conflict pretty unpleasant and sometimes I need to be by myself to process my emotions.

HOWEVER I wouldn't class that as sulking - IMO sulking has to have an element of performance about it. Sulkers huff and sigh, bang about, make sure everyone knows they're upset but deny that anything is wrong, leave pass-agg statuses on facebook, matyrishly do jobs around the house, make gnomic statements about "what an awful person you must think they are", affect random maladies and are generally a massive, annoying pain in the arse. Just quietly needing to be by yourself isn't sulking.

No-one is perfect and smiley 100% of the time. Men are expected to understand and put up with PMT.

There's a spectrum between perfect 100% of the time and moods so bad your partner moves out...

It reminds me of a lot of threads where people talk about their child behaving well at school and then being a nightmare at home. The parents are often reassured by posters saying that this is because the child feels loved and safe at home and so that is the only place they feel ok to let out their anger. This is understandable in a child, but it is not ok for an adult to use their partner as a safe, reliable emotional punchbag.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. The behaviour is understandable and we are all human. A lot of negotiating relationships with other humans is how to manage all this stuff (I had a relatively tricky home life and I know some destructive behaviour in my relationships comes from that but I do try to work through it and change when it comes up).

However just because the behaviour has an understandable root does NOT make it OK. It has to STOP (or you have to go).

I don't have experience of this with a partner but with my mother. It never improves and she has gotten worse as she has gotten older. I used to talk to her about it afterwards but she would never accept any responsibility - it was always someone else who drove her to it (as a child it was usually my dad however as I got older, I was usually the one at fault, my sister less often).

I couldn't bear it eventually, was sick of feeling sick every time I phoned her - if she was sulking I would get 1 word answers and would frantically try to think of something to talk about. Eventually I went very LC with her (she's very much a narcissist).

I would run a mile from a partner with this trait, it's a very unpleasant way to live and anyone thinking small children don't notice is very wrong - I was aware of mother sulking from way back, coming home from school you could just feel the icy atmosphere, my stomach would sink with dread knowing the silence would continue for days, sometimes weeks.

My dad was a teacher and suffered huge mood swings during the academic year, I left home at 16 (during the summer holidays).

If he is serious about staying in teaching then he needs to find an outlet. Has he a close colleague that he could buddy up with? Sometimes getting a sport hobby or even just going for a pint with someone in the same position can help

I think there's a difference between being sulky, alluded to by SendIn.

And being sad, in pain, need time to oneself, be quiet, needing to work things out oneself etc etc. as alluded to by CantThink. Not everyone wants to openly talk about problems .... sometimes we need time to peruse them, let them co-agulate a bit. But it seems a bit sad that he has a sympathetic partner whose support he doesn't take advantage of.

The question is - which one is it? Sulky or in pain but needs to be on own. And secondly can your partner tell /feel the difference?

I think you need to draw a line in the sand and say and mean that you won't commit further to him until he sorts this behaviour out.

I had one of these - he used to sulk to punish me for behaviour he considered to be rude to him (ie, asking him not to climb into someone's car muddy from the waist down - things I considered to be reasonable requests). I'd get the silent treatment for days, until he decided my punishment was over.

Eventually I stopped 'noticing' his sulks and would treat him exactly as if he wasn't having one. Ask him if he wanted a cup of tea..when I was ignored, I'd sort of answer for him 'oh, no, maybe you won't want one just yet, I'll do it later', just fill in the gaps. The more unbothered I seemed to be, the less notice I took of being ignored (I think I was supposed to beg and plead with him to stop, to notice, me, to talk to me) the less he did it. I did divorce him in the end, but that was because he was a general shit head, not just for the sulking.

HE needs to FTFO out of the house when he sulks.

Tbh, he WILL do this again and again, more and more, for less and less.

He's emotionally manipulating you this way and it will not stop.

Tell him he has to go. do not buy a house with him, marry him or have kids with him.

Wow this post has really brought out a lot of opinions - thank you all!

Rizlet really interesting to hear from a self-confessed sulker and millifiori thanks for the balance! The LTB brigade seem to have come out in force. Obviously this isn't a 2D issue and there are many other factors that affect both of us - God I know I'm not the perfect partner 100% of the time and if anyone on this site thinks they are they're kidding themselves.

Obviously this is something I need to broach with him - I know he's someone who needs his time alone when shit hits the fan and this is always something I have accommodated - we all have different ways of coping with problems.

Surprise surprise he's 'back to normal' today - talking to me as though nothing has happened but alluded to 'I'm sorry I've been an arsehole, I've had a horrible week, you didn't have to go home' but in more words so he can have both barrels when he's back.

I think you should expect him to make some effort to stop this happening again - promises or apologies shouldn't be enough (if you even get those - do you?)

I would want him to start counselling or some sort of therapy - go to his GP etc. And start looking seriously for other work without you or he making excuses about his lack of confidence.

You shouldn't let him get away with doing this time and time again - he needs to make significant demonstrable attempts to change his behaviour. Otherwise you'll be foolish to go ahead with further entangling your lives.

My OH sulked twice. The first I let go the second time I told him to fuck off out of my house. If he ever ever does it again I will end the relationship. I mean it. Funnily enough he hasn't done it again.

Blimey; flipping annoying for you OP and I can't help but wonder how he is with his pupils at this time....poor buggers.

He may well say sorry but the underlying problems remain and he will at some point sulk again. I also think his sulking has a lot to do with the fact that he sees your own work as better than his and is using sulking as your punishment for having that whilst he does not.

He is basically doing what his own father did to his mother when he was growing up. This is learnt behaviour from his family of origin (you wrote that both his parents are sulkers but mother tends to tiptoe more around her H) and thus very hard indeed to unlearn. Infact he may never do so either, his dad certainly has not.

BTW how do you get on with his parents?

Whether they have learned this in the past or present, if they repeatedly engage in this behaviour as an adult this is something they are making a deliberate choice to do even if they feel like they have no control over their feelings or actions. This is particularly important to remember if you are prone to try and ‘fix’ things in the relationship or if you feel you have done something to cause them to withdraw.
Having some idea about your partner’s motivations and actions does not mean you have to excuse all future outbursts or continually try to avoid upsetting them. It can, however, help you consider how you respond. Many people in your situation say they’ve tried everything to ‘get through’ to a partner when they withdraw.

Your focus is on your needs, confidence and reactions. Everything else is down to him to fix. You can support him in that if you feel able, but ultimately the responsibility for any freezing out is theirs.

Hi, I’ve read all theses messages and I’ve been married to a sulker for 25 years and it’s awful, not all the time but sometimes and you never know when it’s going to happen, one minute everything is fine and the next you are being ignored for hours/days and sometimes weeks.

You’ll start of thinking it’s fine I can handle it and sometimes you will and sometimes you won’t. Walk away now or definitely suggest he gets some form of help to explore why he does it.

My mother chooses to stay with her scum husband who is an emotional and verbal abuser and uses sulking as one of his abuse tactics. I remember tiptoeing round him and feeling I had to protect my mother and learning absolutely fuck all about how to deal with emotions (bury them!) or mild conflict. I don't bother with either of them anymore. 'No one is perfect!' is the cop out fall back line churned out by people who tend to tolerate/carry out shite behaviour as if it's some kind of amazing insight.
Your relationship is meant to be fun, it's meant to enhance your life, that's the entire point.