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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've got myself a sulker... what to do?!

138 replies

24Ls · 05/10/2017 21:28

Hi everyone! Currently needing a bit of perspective/help on how to deal with a major sulker!

We have been together for almost 3 years - currently in the process of saving for a house (we have saved but just need a final mortgage meeting before we can get the ball rolling) and are very much happy... 95% of the time.

My partner seems to have sulks at the exact same time every few months. I can predict exactly when they will come and feel myself start to dread them. They go on for a few days and then he snaps straight back to normal as though nothing ever happened.

The current one has resulted in me coming home to stay at my parents as I can't be in the house with him when he's so low and miserable. He will wake up in the morning and not acknowledge me and leave the house with just a 'bye'. Usually he would give me a kiss, ask about my day and say 'love you' as he left. He stomps about and slams doors, and makes it blatantly obvious he's in the same room as me but won't acknowledge me at all. When I try and start a discussion he just grunts or gives a single word and then back to stone cold silence.

I should add for the rest of the year we're absolutely great - we share a lot of mutual interests but spend our time apart (me with the gym, him with the gym/pub), we go travelling a lot together and have no arguments, just minor disagreements that resolve within the same hour. We aren't a couple that struggle to communicate, but during these few days a year there is no getting anything out of him.

I just want to know if anyone else experiences this with their partner and what they do to combat it?! I'm sick to death of having days every few months where I feel I have to remove myself from his life as we life as two strangers.

OP posts:
HattiesBackpack · 05/10/2017 21:55

You need to talk to him about it, explain how rude it is of him,and how it makes you feel. Hopefully you can both agree a way forward that involves him stopping the sulking.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 05/10/2017 21:55

he acknowledges where I come from, but has said he just can't help himself when he gets into a slump

But he can help himself. Because I'm a teacher and you can't fucking sulk at work, can you? You can't ignore pupils and refuse to engage and slam about refusing to speak in a massive childish sulk. So he has to pull himself together at work.

And therefore he could do the same at home - but he prefers to behaviour like a twat and take it out on you. He won't grow up. The only way to combat it is to end the relationship. Don't, for God's sake, buy a house with him.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 05/10/2017 21:55

'DP doesn't blame during or after his sulks. He shuts down during and will listen and respond when I tell him how it makes me feel afterwards. I don't do this during as I don't want to stoke the fire.'

So during his little strops you tip toe round him to avoid setting him off. Jesus I am assuming you are a reasonably intelligent woman so why put up with this rubbish? Flowers

BlessYourCottonSocks · 05/10/2017 21:56

behave not behaviour

(I swear I'm a teacher!)

TheLongRider · 05/10/2017 21:57

So it seems as if you are not the cause of his sulks. In which case he is using you as his whipping boy rather than actively directing his annoyance at the people/ situation who are the cause of the issue.

This is not tenable long term. You'll go mad trying to deal with the fall out. It is incredibly unfair of him to treat you like this.

Original poster
24Ls · 05/10/2017 21:59

Ruddygreattiger2016 Less tiptoe around him... he always knows exactly what I think, more I just can't be bothered. More in the way if you know you're going to say something that will push somebodies buttons you just don't bother sometimes. I tell him everything I have to say but wait until he comes out of his slump.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2017 22:01

AttillaTheMeerkat Thank you that post is hugely helpful!

Glad it is helpful to you 24Ls. You really do need to take heed of those words. Sulking is indeed another form of emotional abuse, this is being done by him to control you.

I would indeed reconsider your whole future with him because he is setting you up for more of the same in forthcoming years. This is who he is and such behaviours as well are often learnt. I daresay that either one of his parents act very similarly with the other tiptoeing around the sulker.

Alison100199 · 05/10/2017 22:02

I was with someone like this for years. It nearly destroyed my emotional health and was quite abusive by the end. Eventually I left. Please don't make the mistake I did. Ask him to sort it out or leave.

Original poster
24Ls · 05/10/2017 22:03

AtillaTheMeerkat You've hit the nail on the head there - both his parents are sulkers actually, but his dad more so and his mum is the tiptoe-er

OP posts:
Theresnonamesleft · 05/10/2017 22:06

Could be worse. You could have found this out after you bought the house together.
Go and find yourself a grown up. Don't settle for this.
What about when the stress of mortgage begins? The additional cost of children? Wedding? Illness etc. These moods will increase and drag you down with him.
You are not responsible for him. We all have our stresses but we don't stomp around having a sulk.

Original poster
24Ls · 05/10/2017 22:08

Alison100199 Thank you Flowers I hope you're in a much better place now

OP posts:
BinkyandBunty · 05/10/2017 22:09

Each one of these episodes is going to chip away at your love and respect for him until there's none left. Hopefully you won't be tied together with a house and children by then.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2017 22:10

No man is worth that. Where is your self respect. The little woman tiptoeing arpund the great ego

Fuck that shit

plantsitter · 05/10/2017 22:10

DH used to do this but I spoke to him about it when he wasn't sulking, saying much of the things AttillaTheMeerkat said. But I also told him it was killing my love for him and needed to stop. He tried very hard to stop it and things have massively improved. I can't actually remember the last time he threw a sulk.

Not everyone can listen and change though op, I'm not saying don't LTB.

Ceto · 05/10/2017 22:13

Why doesn't he think anyone else would employ him? One of the few advantages of teaching is that the range of jobs available is reasonably wide. If he finds his current work too stressful, has he thought of going part time, or things like going into the private sector or looking into private tuition?

Original poster
24Ls · 05/10/2017 22:15

plantsitter Thank you, it's nice to hear from someone who has actually had the conversations with a sulker! It's all too easy to say LTB in these cases and I know there's days when I could punch him in the nose but for all it's worth his sulking episodes are getting better as time goes on...

I want to be able to have the conversation you had with your DH, I think I need to build myself up to tackle him with the 'it's killing my love for you' etc and really dig into the problem

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2017 22:16

AtillaTheMeerkat You've hit the nail on the head there - both his parents are sulkers actually, but his dad more so and his mum is the tiptoe-er

Well there you go. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and he is basically copying dad's behaviours. You in turn are copying his mother's behaviours in response. Your man does this also because he can and it works for him; he has you now worrying and thinking about how this can be solved. Well it cannot.

I would seriously consider ending your relationship now over this serious issue because his dad has not changed and neither will his son.

Original poster
24Ls · 05/10/2017 22:17

Ceto I have a very comfortable job and get to work from home a lot. My DP has said on multiple occasions this is something he wants to do himself, he even submitted his CV to an agency I once worked for and was rejected - I think this hit him quite badly and made him think he was entirely unemployable in my sector and he took a big step back and just decided to take his own job on the chin. He's even said in his heart of hearts he isn't happy and won't be in teaching for life, probably not even until he's 30, but I think he feels under qualified to join the same career path as me (he isn't, I know plenty of ex-teachers, but that one knock back really got him).

OP posts:
Original poster
24Ls · 05/10/2017 22:20

Also I want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has posted so far FlowersFlowers you're helping me get my head around this a lot better while I'm sat in my childhood bed, cuddling the dog and pulling my hair out

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 05/10/2017 23:03

It is controlling and abusive. It is also unlikely given his parents situation that it will improve. More likely it will get worse, as your options reduce.

You are sat at home atm as you are able too go there. Once/if there are children in the mix that option will be closed off. And, it is a sad but nevertheless true fact that abusive behaviour tends to ramp up during pregnancy/after DC arrive.

Only he can change his behaviour, and he is VERY unlikely to do so. You can talk and talk but unless he faces up to the abuse, and determines to seek help/change nothing will change. Essentially he is getting away with it. The worse consequences are you leaving for a while then returning.

You say its not as simple as LTB. In fact that is the simplest, and best thing you can do now. You will have removed yourself from an existing abusive situation, likely to get worse. It is always possible that this will be the catalyst to him seeking help. If not then you are still in a far better place.

timeisnotaline · 05/10/2017 23:35

You don't really sound like this is unacceptable behaviour to you. And it seems you feels it's your job to sort it out not his. Yet you are leaving your own home for days to get away from it, you accept it when it occurs. Another option - he is the one sulking, he can leave for a few days. Explain you don't have to put up with it, being around It is killing your love for him, it is unfair for you to have to leave your own home to get away from him, so you've packed him a bag and expect him when it comes down on him to head off somewhere and return when it's over. At least that is putting it on him.

Fishface77 · 06/10/2017 08:15

Slowly slowly over time his sulking will gt worse.
It will be worse.
It will be for longer.
It will be for other reasons.

Life's too short. Leave.

Maddiemademe · 06/10/2017 09:26

It's abuse, plain and simple. I would not bring a child into this environment as it can cause massive issues with their self esteem.

Imagine a small child not understanding why daddy doesn't want to talk to them for a few days? Children are selfish in the fact they will assume it's because of them and their behaviour. How on earth is that fair?

I have absolutely zero time for sulkers and I wouldn't think twice about LTB. Think long and hard about this.

hedwig2001 · 06/10/2017 09:26

Can you imagine how confusing and upsetting it would be for your child, when Daddy to suddenly switches from loving, playful Daddy to stroppy grunting Daddy?

BertramTheWalrus · 06/10/2017 09:36

I would only consider staying with him on one condition: that he start psychotherapy. I don't mean a couple of counselling sessions, I mean a couple of years of weekly sessions with a registered psychotherapist, costing £££££. It is the only way to solve this problem (and psychotherapy is very, very effective). I would also put off all plans to buy a house etc.
If he isn't willing to seriously work on this issue, I would run a mile. Today.