I've got myself a sulker... what to do?!

[24Ls]

Hi everyone! Currently needing a bit of perspective/help on how to deal with a major sulker!

We have been together for almost 3 years - currently in the process of saving for a house (we have saved but just need a final mortgage meeting before we can get the ball rolling) and are very much happy... 95% of the time.

My partner seems to have sulks at the exact same time every few months. I can predict exactly when they will come and feel myself start to dread them. They go on for a few days and then he snaps straight back to normal as though nothing ever happened.

The current one has resulted in me coming home to stay at my parents as I can't be in the house with him when he's so low and miserable. He will wake up in the morning and not acknowledge me and leave the house with just a 'bye'. Usually he would give me a kiss, ask about my day and say 'love you' as he left. He stomps about and slams doors, and makes it blatantly obvious he's in the same room as me but won't acknowledge me at all. When I try and start a discussion he just grunts or gives a single word and then back to stone cold silence.

I should add for the rest of the year we're absolutely great - we share a lot of mutual interests but spend our time apart (me with the gym, him with the gym/pub), we go travelling a lot together and have no arguments, just minor disagreements that resolve within the same hour. We aren't a couple that struggle to communicate, but during these few days a year there is no getting anything out of him.

I just want to know if anyone else experiences this with their partner and what they do to combat it?! I'm sick to death of having days every few months where I feel I have to remove myself from his life as we life as two strangers.

Cambionome you're right there - I'm definitely shutting down as more of a protection mechanism. I'm hurt and don't feel as though I want to say anything.

Sounds like a normal relationship/ outside events blip. Keep talking and both of you work on other ways of communicating and being aware of sulking and how you come across when stressed and unhappy.

Only read page one.
Sounds like he's burying his anger.
That will only lead to depression if he keeps it up.
I see it as him wiping his anger over you , I think you do right to remove yourself from the situation.
It's his problem and you don't have to accept it.
A sucker is horrible. He's not looking at the problem at all and ignoring it until it goes away is never going to work.

My dad was a sulker. It was horrible.
We'd have a disagreement and he wouldn't talk to me for a week. Then he suddenly would start talking to me again after the mandatory week had gone by.
I struggled with that.

You need to decide if you want to handle that.
If he won't seek help for his problem you could have a lifetime of this.

He said since our chat last weekend he's been worried sick and was trying to discuss with me this morning but this time I was the arsehole struggling to have anything to say.

Funny that - now it is your fault. Tick that box of deflection.

Expect more of this drama OP. This is just the beginning. Yay.

AlternativeTentacle I see your point - I was trying to make the point that it's arsehole behaviour no matter who it comes from. It's arsehole behaviour from him and the same from me to return it. I'm not deflecting in the slightest, he shouldn't behave how he does but it would be rich of me to do the same back and not acknowledge that it's exactly the behaviour I'm chastising him for

I'm not deflecting in the slightest

No, HE is deflecting it straight onto you.

You need to wise up, this is behaviour that will only ramp up. If you enjoy it then crack on. If not, you need to use this information to summarise that it is not acceptable and end the relationship before it ramps up. That is the point of dating before buying a house/getting married - using the information about their behaviour so that you don't end up in an abusive relationship with kids and no access to money. You only have to read one page on here to see women who were subject to mild abuse at the start, seeing it ramp up as the house/marriage/kids happened and can't leave because they are trapped.

If a potential partner doesn't treat you with respect as an equal, then you would be wise to not continue the relationship. It is that fucking simple.

Run far, far away!

My father was like this (also a teacher, interestingly). He sulked as a coping mechanism for himself and a punishment for me. It was hugely damaging and I have bad anxiety as a result.

Like you, I sometimes retreated into myself. It was a protective response to being mistreated though. I didn't want to escalate the situation and I was always so hurt when he flicked the switch back to normal as though nothing has happened, because it massively downplayed the damage he'd done. So I don't think your behaviour is at all comparable to his.

PressPaws sorry that you had to go through this with your father did there ever seem to be any triggers for his sulking?

I also struggle with anxiety (childhood issue) but somehow have gone right the other way in recent years and am extremely laid back about everything, which probably lets DP get away with his episodes as I take it as 'everyone has different ways of coping' etc. I think this is largely due to my anxiety as I know sometime I can mishandle situations, so I'm far more lenient with others doing the same?!

Yes, he was triggered by any mention of my mother (they divorced when I was 5), work stress, the slightest hint of criticism, or when things didn't go his way. It's exhausting treading on egg shells around someone like that, particularly when they're a parent because of the power dynamic - so I agree with previous posters who said to be wary if you're planning to have children with him.

I agree everyone has different ways of coping but I do think there's an element of punishment and control in sulking which makes it abusive - a "look at how unhappy I am, you have to be unhappy too" mentality? I might be wrong! But that's how it always felt to me.

You have to choose the right moment to have big discussions.

Before work is not the right time.

If you refuse to engage in a sulky passive aggressive way then as you say, that's not mature.

However, it is reasonable and mature to say things like, "Now isn't the time for this discussion, we can't give it proper attention. Let's talk after work." Or "I need to work through my own feelings more before we discuss this. Let's leave it a couple of days. If I'm quiet until then it's because I'm thinking."

Is he a good partner otherwise?

If so I think I could deal with a sulk every few months.

Underlying low mood? Does everything just come to a head for him now and again?

You poor thing, 24Ls. My husband sulks for Britain. It's not just sulking, it's passive aggression and it's about control. Does he explain his sulks when he is feeling better? My husband stonewalls me.

Sulking is what small children do when they don't get what they want.

My husband also defends himself to the hilt when he percieves any criticism. This means anything at all.

There is no way of communicating with this kind of person as they will always be right no matter what.

My husband apologised for punching me. Instead he does the headwork.

EasyToEat What does that last line mean?

Right well I think you are piling guilt on yourself that you are not equally apportioning to him. HOWEVER maybe consider now as the make-or-break time to establish healthy communication between you?

I have learned during 13 years of marriage that saying what you're thinking - however awkward it seems or however rude it makes you feel - is always, always ALWAYS better than trying to get the other person to guess.

In your situation I might say something like 'I'm actually still really annoyed with your behaviour at the weekend. I can feel that now I'm sulking with you and I'm sorry but it's because I'm still really angry'. Or something.

OMG he deflected:

'I was an arsehole to you because I'm so worried about my health😢/😉👍' gosh he's good!

OP, presumably he's intelligent right? Well he is a teacher so I guess he is! So it's fair to say he knows what he's doing! He's purposely taking it out on you OP because he can! Tell him to get a frickin grip and get some coping mechanisms in place/get a new job or ship out! You don't need this drama!

Skimmed the thread so not sure if anyone else has suggested SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).
It's not always triggered by the approach of winter, varying light levels throughout the year can cause it.
I have a family member who has identified a 3 monthly "cycle" which they think is a manifestation of this - takes St John's Wort, which apparently helps.

NikiBabe Yes a perfect partner despite this - we get along like no-one else I've ever known. We have the same sense of humour, same drive/ideas for life etc, which is part of the reason I can deal with a sulk every now and then. He doesn't seem to let any other hugely negative emotions out otherwise so I feel as though things must just come to a head every now and then. He'll sulk for a few days, be low until the end of term and then bounce back in the holidays - it's a very predictable pattern which is funnily what I find most confusing!

borntobequiet I also thought this at numerous points - the most frustrating thing about this is the predictable/cyclical nature of it all. Very odd!

OP: I was with a sulker for 21 years. In the end it wears your resolve so much and you end up losing yourself and tiptoe around all the time. What I see is different in your post is the fact you can pinpoint it to his stress at work, and now stress about his health whereas ex was just a moody sulking bastard and still is (could be of course your DP is the same and he is using work as an excuse)

Sounds like you have had a good chat with him. However two things if you chose to go forward. He MUST communicate when he is feeling like that with you and explain, remove himself so you don't feel the atmosphere. If you feel affected by it at all he MUST allow you to talk about it and you MUST feel comfortable enough to deal with that. If you don't despite this feel comfortable in your own home because of the dark cloud hanging over you, I would advise that you leave, because its unlikely to improve. He also should look into managing his stress levels if it is now affecting him work too. Maybe teaching just isn't for him in the capacity he is in now.

I was the one who would always try and bring ex out of his mood which in hindsight just continued the push and pull behavior. It felt like I was being punished for whatever shit he felt that day.

Just remember its not your issue, its one HE has to resolve it, with your support if you chose to do so. But be careful that you put his behavior down to stress all the time, because sometimes some behavior just isn't acceptable regardless of the circumstances.

Riiight, so he has trotted out a list of excuses for his shitty behaviour and you have fallen for it, feeling sorry for him.
Ah well he probably expects you to stfu now and next time he goes on a little sulk he will just repeat the same. It's working for him so far. What a childish twat

He needs CBT or counselling to help him deal with this. It has a trigger and can be anticipated which helps.

Not entirely sure that this counts as abuse to be honest - any more so than other mental health issues.

I get low mood as the nights draw in, which is mildish SAD. Thing is, I noticed the pattern and, as a family, we make a point of going out for walks at weekends and booking autumn half term off (with an emphasis on outdoorsy stuff) to keep me the right side of cheerful until the Christmas break. I also up my exercise, vitamins, sleep & general self-care in the autumn. I most definitely don't use DH or my kids as an emotional punchbag. The fact that OP's partner has a regular cycle and he hasn't tried anything to mitigate it is unforgiveable IMO. It's really not OK.

Another one who lived with a sulker and as the years went on it got progressively worse. I wasn’t “allowed” to be upset by his behaviour as apparently he couldn’t help it, it was stress from work, his parents being ill and subsequently dying, redundancies at work although his department was never in the firing line, not enough sleep because I let the baby cry all night! Any excuse in the book, the last period of silence lasted three months, six months later I petitioned for divorce.

I found myself ignoring him in the end, which I hated, but it was self preservation and when you get to that point there is no going back.

I would suggest reading this goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/partner-stops-giving-silent-pain-emotional-withholding-fiff/
And if it rings any bells then seriously consider leaving before you find yourself devoid of even a shred of self-esteem.

You're sulking at the moment probably because you've grasped a little of the power back from him for once, he's panicked you'll leave him and your sulk extends your power for a little longer.

I wouldn't worry that you're a hypocrite at the moment, that's beside the point .

The real issue remains that he is the sulker. He does it to you to have some sense of control. He does it regularly and that's no way for you to live.

You mentioned the LTB brigade. I don't think they're far off the mark. Being with someone like this isn't going to be much fun long term. It'll wear you down and suck the life from you.

Is he really sulking or is it more that he is stressed, depressed, anxious, grumpy etc etc.?
Sulking sounds like a deliberate action but if he's dealing with work and medical stresses then it seems a little unfair to say he is sulking.