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Original poster

Do men ever truly want children?

76 replies

uokhunni · 01/10/2017 07:27

I hope I don't come across as a goady fucker here but just from my experiences in life I have to ask. Plus reading threads here where things have gone tits up after kids....

(Disclaimer - I was not the OW in any of these scenarios)

First serious relationship- I was 19, he was 28 and divorced with 2 boys. We were together nearly 4 years but I never thought about having children with him, plus his constant whinging over the CSA resulted in the end of us. He really saw his kids as an inconvenience. Strangely, 20 or so years on I've met his eldest son in social circles who seems to have repeated his father's pattern even though he wants nothing to do with his own father (I don't blame him)

I married a divorced man who had a vasectomy after 2 kids. Again, they seemed like a real burden to him. He made hardly any effort when we had them stay, was all just Spongebob on the tv all day.

There's been others and I eventually divorced sponge bob dad. I dated someone for around a year who once started acting weird and "hiding" in a petrol station. Turns out he was hiding from his 18 year old child that I knew nothing about! Ditchednot long after.

I am now happily married for 4 years after remarrying at 41 . I really don't mind not havingchildren at all and neither does my husband. In fact, we relish being child free, especially when I see numerous threads on here re relationships breaking up post kids and the whole dramas of who is doing the night feed etc.

I feel I'm child free by accident rather than by design and I'm ok with that as I've never had that primal urge to procreate but really? Are most men just cajoled into parenthood?

OP posts:
Prusik · 01/10/2017 07:30

I don't believe so. Dh was desperate to be a dad. My ex, not so much. He'd definitely have been a reluctant father. DH absolutely loves having Ds and gets really cross with a family member of a similar age who doesn't spend as much time with his kids. He says if you have them then you need to enjoy them and want to be with them. It surprises me his strength of feeling on the issue.

elmo1980 · 01/10/2017 07:34

No of course not. You dated a handful of men who weren't the best examples of fathers, maybe you were subconsciously attracted to them because they were like this if you're not particularly maternal yourself.

And the relationship board is a place for people to raise issues in their relationships, people don't come on to say "look what a great dad my dh is" so not an accurate representation at all.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 01/10/2017 07:35

My DH loves his kids but says if he had his time again he wouldn't have any. Ive some female friends/ colleagues that have also said the same

Wallywobbles · 01/10/2017 07:35

DH and i have 4 between us. He'd have loved another 2 at least. Me not so much.

Original poster
uokhunni · 01/10/2017 07:35

That's lovely to hear @prusik

OP posts:
Ecureuil · 01/10/2017 07:36

Mine did/does. We have 2 now and he would really love a third. Like the poster above, he has a friend who rarely sees his child as he is always out socialising/doing hobbies and DH is a bit baffled by it.

Fairylea · 01/10/2017 07:36

I’ve been with a man who said he wanted children and didn’t really. Half way through ivf treatment (after we’d been together 5 years) he left me and I was devestated. I think he just realised he really didn’t want to be a parent - which was a bit of a shame for the then 7 year old stepdaughter he had been raising as his own! He walked out and hasn’t been in contact since - which is fine, I think he did us a favour.

But my now dh who I’ve since remarried made it really clear he desperately wanted children. We now have a 5 year old son (we have been together 8 years) and he is the most amazing dad anyone could ask for. Totally hands on, equal parenting etc etc. And an amazing stepdad. So yes some men really do want to be dads.

Alittlepotofrosie · 01/10/2017 07:37

No. You just had relationships with losers.

Gorgosparta · 01/10/2017 07:40

Dh wanted kids more than i did. We had 2. I would have been fine with non or 1. That said i wouldnt change them it for the world now.

Dh is very hands on. We split years ago for 6 months. Dh had dd 50:50. It worked well. We have been back together nearly 10 years.

Original poster
uokhunni · 01/10/2017 07:43

@alittlepotofrosie

No, in all cases they were good looking, successful men. Losers maybe to their children though.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 01/10/2017 07:45

I think you've just been with a lot of wankers unfortunately. I'm not sure my dh would have had children as early as we had our first (we have a 6.5 year age difference between us, I was 32 when our first was born, he was 26), but he knew he wanted kids generally. Since I was the one having them (my body and also my career impacted), he was happy for me to have the final say in timing as he trusted I knew what was best for me. But yes, he definitely always wanted kids. In fact, he was talking the other day about how he doesn't understand people who choose to remain childless because he just couldn't imagine life like that. But he isn't a wanker (obviously not everyone who doesn't want kids is but people who have them and don't care for them are).

Riversleep · 01/10/2017 07:52

My DH wasn't too keen on a first one. I didn't cajole him. I said I did want them, so we should split up if he didn't so he changed his mind. He was then more keen on a second than me. I'd say he's enjoyed parenthood more than me on the whole now. They all enjoy cycling and swimming for example far more than I do!

Original poster
uokhunni · 01/10/2017 07:53

Thanks for the positive stories 😁

OP posts:
SleepingInYourFlowerbed · 01/10/2017 07:55

No. You have had relationships with shit fathers, possibly because you don't particularly want children yourself. Do you think no women want children because you don't?

NashvilleQueen · 01/10/2017 07:56

I'm an only child. My mother didn't want more but my dad definitely did.

Riversleep · 01/10/2017 07:57

uok just because someone is good looking and makes loads of money it doesn't make them less of a loser in life. Maybe that's the issue. You are seeking out men who are vain and obsessed with money and status, a side effect being that they then see their kids as an inconvenient drain on their time and resources.

Original poster
uokhunni · 01/10/2017 08:01

@sleepinginyourflowerbed

Maybe you're right, I went for the shit dads as I was never maternal. I'm happy as I am now though with someone who gets that life doesn't have to follow a script.

OP posts:
Muddlingalongalone · 01/10/2017 08:01

ExH was desperate for children/all he'd wanted since he was 16 etc.....til we had them.
Wasn't quite so keen about the reality - they aren't as compliant as dogs even if you speak to them like it & you need to change your lifestyle unless you want your wife to become grumpier and grumpier about doing everything.
He actually spends more time engaged with them now in 1 day a fortnight than he did living under the same roof & cries everytime he says goodbye.
I'd say he does/did really want children to answer your op, but was too much of a matching to grow up. If mn is to be believed a lot of deadbeat dad's about though.

WunWun · 01/10/2017 08:03

What riversleep said. I know plenty of unattractive, poor men who are dads.

I can't only think of one man in my family and friends circle who genuinely doesn't give a shit about his child and a few who don't pull their weight as much as they should.

Chrisinthemorning · 01/10/2017 08:07

DH wanted a child far more than I did. He spent a lot of time persuading me and promised to do lots of night time stuff and generally take the pressure off me.
We ttc for a long time and by the end I was desperate for a baby too.
DH is a brilliant Dad, he did do lots of night feeds etc. DS is now 5 and DH is taking him swimming this morning while I stay in bed Grin

PerfectlyPooPoo · 01/10/2017 08:08

Dh did. When the reality of dd1 was overwhelming and I was ready to swear off anymore I asked Dh if he would do it again (as I most definitely was feeling no!).

Not missing a beat he said yes of course, he was truly besotted with dd1 and was actually a bit shocked at my response.

He's a fantastic father, compared to so many of my friends who have ended up with useless men I know I'm lucky.

CakesRUs · 01/10/2017 08:09

My DH wanted kids at some point but wasn't desperate to become a dad, not particularly interested during first pregnancy. When DD was born, it was like a switch had been thrown, love at first sight.

Schmoopy · 01/10/2017 08:09

Yes, of course they do.

Some men are selfish though, are brought up to believe they are special and are entitled to special priveliges above the other people in the house with them being boys n all, find a woman who dotes on them equally and then don't handle it well when a baby comes along and takes their place.

wowbutter · 01/10/2017 08:09

I don't know if it is fair to say "men" as a entirety do not want children.
The main men in my life have been the lens pushing for children, rather than the other way around.
My dad spend a decade trying to convince my mum to have me. and still says he wishes they'd had more.
My DH always wanted to be a husband and a father.

Perhaps it is because you met men who had already had children, so you received their jaded view on the situation? Except your now husband, of course.
Some men, and women, do see children as an inconvenience, which I find strange as they are entirely preventable.
But, from my experience, men haven't needed l be cajoled into parenthood, but a lot of he anecdotal evidence suggests otherwise.

MyHusbandIsNotADick · 01/10/2017 08:12

I think life only looks like it follows a script from the outside. Every journey is different. Difficult and wonderful in lots of different ways...