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Original poster

Do men ever truly want children?

76 replies

uokhunni · 01/10/2017 07:27

I hope I don't come across as a goady fucker here but just from my experiences in life I have to ask. Plus reading threads here where things have gone tits up after kids....

(Disclaimer - I was not the OW in any of these scenarios)

First serious relationship- I was 19, he was 28 and divorced with 2 boys. We were together nearly 4 years but I never thought about having children with him, plus his constant whinging over the CSA resulted in the end of us. He really saw his kids as an inconvenience. Strangely, 20 or so years on I've met his eldest son in social circles who seems to have repeated his father's pattern even though he wants nothing to do with his own father (I don't blame him)

I married a divorced man who had a vasectomy after 2 kids. Again, they seemed like a real burden to him. He made hardly any effort when we had them stay, was all just Spongebob on the tv all day.

There's been others and I eventually divorced sponge bob dad. I dated someone for around a year who once started acting weird and "hiding" in a petrol station. Turns out he was hiding from his 18 year old child that I knew nothing about! Ditchednot long after.

I am now happily married for 4 years after remarrying at 41 . I really don't mind not havingchildren at all and neither does my husband. In fact, we relish being child free, especially when I see numerous threads on here re relationships breaking up post kids and the whole dramas of who is doing the night feed etc.

I feel I'm child free by accident rather than by design and I'm ok with that as I've never had that primal urge to procreate but really? Are most men just cajoled into parenthood?

OP posts:
Pennywhistle · 01/10/2017 08:13

“Good looking and successful” doesn’t stop you being a loser.

I agree with PP, you’ve had unfortunate experiences with not very nice men.

It took us a long time to conceive and DH was every bit as desperate for children as I was.

He adores them and is an absolutely fantastic father.

My own Dad is a wonderful father and loves being a Dad and now a Grandfather.

They aren’t unusual in my experience.

intergalacticbrexitdisco · 01/10/2017 08:15

DH wanted our child desperately. I was reluctant at first!

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 01/10/2017 08:16

My husband wanted to have children and has been a brilliant father to them. My dad was the same, so's my brother, so are my cousins and lots and lots of men we know as colleagues, neighbours and friends.

Nothing wrong with not wanting children - more people should hold back if they aren't sure, in my view, as there are clearly a lot of very inadequate parents around, many of whom maybe didn't have a very realistic view of what having children would be like, or just fell into parenthood by accident.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2017 08:17

Dh wanted children more than me, I think. Although we both wanted to be parents. (I think my desire was tempered a bit because I was scared I wouldn't be a good enough parent after my childhood experiences). He's very hands on. We only have one dd as I had ivf and it ruined my health.

MsJuniper · 01/10/2017 08:17

DH always wanted children "in the future" but it took him a while to come to the point where the future was now. I wasn't in a hurry either but at a couple of years older I had more of a sense that we couldn't drift indefinitely. He had quite a selfish (his description) but badly paid career at the time and it meant a big change of lifestyle for both of us.

We then had fertility issues and have spent the last 10 years trying to create our family. We have one DS (5) and I'm currently pregnant for the eighth time in my early 40s, so we're hoping like hell this is the one that will stick.

DH now has a steady and fulfilling career in public service and is a devoted, caring and earnest dad.

hidinginthenightgarden · 01/10/2017 08:19

My DH instigated kids on both occasions. He was practically begging me to TTC our first - I was only 21 and a bit reluctant at first. I am glad we did though, DS was conceived in spite of the doctor telling us we would never conceive without IVF. If we had waited another couple of years we wouldn't have been so lucky.

tinypop4 · 01/10/2017 08:19

I don't know about all men but my DH would never have said 'I'd love to have a baby, let's go for it!' He just wouldn't! He found other peoples babies an annoyance and things that stopped you having fun....
As it happens we had an accident when he was in his early 30s, he freaked out for a couple of weeks about how he 'wasn't ready', then decided it would all be okay. It was, he LOVES being a dad, adored having a baby and pestered me for a second for ages. He'd keep going if I would agree (I won't !) but he would never have actively decided he was ready for a baby.
He now says dd (almost 5 now) is the best accident that ever happened to him :-)

Ijustlovefood · 01/10/2017 08:20

No of course not. My dh and I both wanted children and we love them immensely

Ijustlovefood · 01/10/2017 08:22

I also know someone who doesn't want kids but her dh does.

Piewraith · 01/10/2017 08:24

Definitely a lot more men than women could take it or leave it. But it seems like a lot of men that don't want kids just have them anyway or take no precautions and get women pregnant. Whereas the women I know who don't want kids actively prevent pregnancy.

Ohyesiam · 01/10/2017 08:24

If you cut my oh in half, he would have Dad written through him like a stick of rock.
He never felt complete till we had kids.

bakingaddict · 01/10/2017 08:26

My own dad is far more maternal than my mum and did way more for us as kids. My DB has a big family and is a very hands on dad and adores children. He says he'd have 6 kids if it was up to him. My own DH is a very attentive father. I've always had good father role models around me so ive chosen someone in that mold.

JungleExplorer · 01/10/2017 08:27

When I met Dh we were young (early 20's) we discussed children and we both definitely wanted them in the future. We agreed 2 would be great.

We planned both our children and Dh was hands on right from the beginning. In fact I expressed breast milk so that Dh could feed Ds1 on Father's day. The look of sheer joy on his face is a lovely thing to still look back on.

We had alternate lie ins on the weekends when the boys were little, he is home for dinner every night to sit at the dinner table as a family. He takes a lot of joy from family time. As we have 2 sons, any trips he makes out the house to pop to the shops/tip run he will take a child with him so they have one on one time.

The children are now 14 and 11. He still does all of the above. I can honestly say they have added to our lives. Turned our lives upside down at times but we wouldn't change it.

I know other families whose Dads are the same. Maybe I am friends with people like me who have Dh's like my Dh.

AmaDablam · 01/10/2017 08:43

I don't think it's fair to apply your statement to all men. However, going on personal experience age that of friends, I certainly think it's true that there are more men who don't want kids or feel ambivalent about it than women who feel this way.

I separated from my partner of 6 years because he didn't want children and that was a deal breaker for me. Because of this, DH and I had the conversation as soon as our relationship started getting serious and whilst I got the assurance that if things progressed we would try for children, he did also say that he'd still have wanted a future with me if I'd not wanted kids, whereas I couldn't hand on heart say the same. Dd is now 4 and he loves her to bits and is a great dad, and if course now that he has that relationship, she would leave a huge hole in his life if that were ever taken away. I don't think if we hadn't had her though, that he'd feel something was missing from his life, whereas I know I would. He's never wanted a second either, and having suffered from pnd I know this is probably the right thing for our family, but if definitely have gone for it if he'd wanted to.

juneau · 01/10/2017 08:49

So from your sample size of what - about eight men - you think that no man ever wants DC?

Then you admit that actually you never wanted them either.

I see a fatal flaw in the conclusion you've jumped to!

PsychedelicSheep · 01/10/2017 08:49

Exh was the one that really pushed to have ds when I got pg unexpectedly at 24, I was leaning more towards termination as had just started a degree but he talked me round.

Wasn’t enough to stop him leaving me to do everything and spending evenings/weekends in the pub though, even when dd came along a couple of years later. He thought he was ready for children and liked the idea but ultimately wasn’t ready to give up doing what he wanted to do.

We split and now have 50/50 residency, and tbf he’s a bloody brilliant dad now he’s grown up a bit.

I do think some men are keen to have kids because it ties their partner to them and gives them more control, rather than because they actually want them around. In fact they often resent them and the attention they need when they do arrive.

ponzi · 01/10/2017 09:05

This reply has been withdrawn

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Original poster
uokhunni · 01/10/2017 16:24

Thanks for all the replies while I was at work. Yes @juneau I have a small sample size here but I guess what prompted the question is seeing yet another friend's relationship recently break up with the (arsehole) man in question proclaiming, "she kept getting pregnant with kids I didn't want anyway!" I know, Hmm but I've seen it many many times sadly.

My late father was a good man but he was widowed with children of 13 and 9 when I was born, I was fully aware from a young age that if it was up to him I wouldn't be here and he went along with it to make my mum happy. Maybe that skewed everything for me from a very young age. It is what it is though and I wouldn't change things now.

OP posts:
GrimDamnFanjo · 01/10/2017 16:34

I think we are all individuals, men and women. My DH decided he wanted children when he reached his forties and this was a contributing factor in the break up with his previous partner.

HappyAxolotl · 01/10/2017 16:39

Anecdote but quite a few of my mid-30s male friends are seriously clucking. It's the women who aren't keen!

LynetteScavo · 01/10/2017 17:10

It's a first date question for me.

Men who said no were swiftly dumped, as I knew I wanted DC.

DH was very clear that he wanted two children, after getting married at 35. He had a life plan.

We had 3 DC by the age of 32 Grin. What he's sacrificed for his children is incredible. He's totally the best dad ever. He would have been happy to have more if we could afford them.

But along the way, I did meet lots of men who just weren't interested in having DC.

Eolian · 01/10/2017 17:18

I've seen lots of evidence of crap or unenthusiastic fathers on MN but none in my own experience of friends or family.

Cricrichan · 01/10/2017 17:19

My dad and one of my brothers love children but my ex and dh whilst they love their kids, don't really do anything with them. It seems they like the idea of kids (and like to show off about their achievements and their looks) rather than spending time with them.

opheliacat · 01/10/2017 17:21

IME, men bond with children through the mother. If the bond with the mother is severed, it also damaged the bond with the children, which is why so many men are so shit after divorce and death.

LynetteScavo · 01/10/2017 17:39

That's interesting, Ophelia cat...I hadn't looked at it like that before, but it explains a lot.