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Original poster

Do men ever truly want children?

76 replies

uokhunni · 01/10/2017 07:27

I hope I don't come across as a goady fucker here but just from my experiences in life I have to ask. Plus reading threads here where things have gone tits up after kids....

(Disclaimer - I was not the OW in any of these scenarios)

First serious relationship- I was 19, he was 28 and divorced with 2 boys. We were together nearly 4 years but I never thought about having children with him, plus his constant whinging over the CSA resulted in the end of us. He really saw his kids as an inconvenience. Strangely, 20 or so years on I've met his eldest son in social circles who seems to have repeated his father's pattern even though he wants nothing to do with his own father (I don't blame him)

I married a divorced man who had a vasectomy after 2 kids. Again, they seemed like a real burden to him. He made hardly any effort when we had them stay, was all just Spongebob on the tv all day.

There's been others and I eventually divorced sponge bob dad. I dated someone for around a year who once started acting weird and "hiding" in a petrol station. Turns out he was hiding from his 18 year old child that I knew nothing about! Ditchednot long after.

I am now happily married for 4 years after remarrying at 41 . I really don't mind not havingchildren at all and neither does my husband. In fact, we relish being child free, especially when I see numerous threads on here re relationships breaking up post kids and the whole dramas of who is doing the night feed etc.

I feel I'm child free by accident rather than by design and I'm ok with that as I've never had that primal urge to procreate but really? Are most men just cajoled into parenthood?

OP posts:

Oly5 · 01/10/2017 17:45

My DH was desperate for children... And is a wonderful father

opheliacat · 01/10/2017 17:48

Oh, loads of men are brilliant dads, as lomg as mum is around. Often when she is not they beckme womderful dads to stepkids, it is strange really.

2rebecca · 01/10/2017 17:50

Most men I know are less bothered about having kids than the women and although they find doing things with older kids interesting are bored with under 8s. I suspect if men had all the say on child rearing they'd have fewer kids and have them later, they'd also use childminders and relatives more and do less "family time".
I think many men I know are rubbish fathers after divorce because they find negotiating with their exes difficult and are more likely to take a "if she's going to be like that I won't bother" attitude.
They are also more interested in hobbies and activities.

yetmorecrap · 01/10/2017 17:52

I think there is a higher percentage of men who like the 'idea' but when push comes to shove, don't want the reality , expense or the ongoing hassles they sometimes bring or the attention coming off them from their wife/partner. . Not all by any means, just I feel a higher percentage than women

Ttbb · 01/10/2017 17:58

I think that you might just have incredibly bad taste in men. Where do you find these guys? I have only ever known three men like this. Plus one who didn't want children. Although none of them went as far as to hide from their children, they were merely disinterested. The vast majority of men I have known who had children loved their children more than anything in the world. The majority of men I have known who were aged 30-40 without children liked the idea of having children, expressed a desire to have them or were down right broody. You get men not so much. Not so different to women.

Trills · 01/10/2017 18:04

I suspect that more men want children than admit it, because they've been given the idea that "real men" should enter into fatherhood reluctantly and are only interested once the kids are big enough to play football. Babies are for women, men just put up with them.

This is a pretty old-fashioned stereotype but it still holds in some circles.

Trills · 01/10/2017 18:05

On the flip side, I suspect that there are women who have been fed the same stereotypes who don't particularly want children but believe that surely they must want them, because all women do, and so go on to have children without ever really checking whether it's what they want.

expatmigrant · 01/10/2017 18:50

My DH was the broody one. I've never felt the need or urge to have children. He won and we now have two DC. He is a great dad and apparently I'm not half bad mum either

Deathraystare · 01/10/2017 18:56

Both my brothers are true family men (get involved with their kids, have changed nappies, are a taxi service for them, in one brother's case he does all the cooking, youngest brother was very excited to tell me he is to be a dad again) and not the "Yes, very nice dear, now put in on the shelf" as if a baby is just a 5 minute wonder. I know some men are like that but luckily there are plenty of what I woud call Normal men around.

SandyY2K · 01/10/2017 19:01

I've got two DC. My DH wanted more...but he hadn't proven to be hands on enough for my liking.

My DH much preferred the fun side of things..teaching them to ride bikes.... playing ...going on fun days out ... etc

He definitely wanted to be a father though.

HotNatured · 01/10/2017 19:09

I don't want children but have had many relationships dissolve due to men wanting them. I do know a lot of men who have had kids and regret it though, having gone into being fathers reluctantly.

outabout · 01/10/2017 19:22

I was a SAHD and really enjoyed the years when DC was 'mobile'.
Even projectile vomiting and 'nappy incidents' have their funny side.

greentea4me · 01/10/2017 19:25

IME, men bond with children through the mother. If the bond with the mother is severed, it also damaged the bond with the children, which is why so many men are so shit after divorce and death.

In my experience this is completely true. Most men are not bothered about kids, they can go either way depending on their wife's wishes. When I was dating and I asked men if they wanted children (before saying whether I did), some said no but most said they'd leave it to their wife to decide. If I said I wasn't particularly interested they were relieved! But I'm sure if I said I wanted children they would have gone along with it.

It's true that they bond with the child through the mother and when that bond is gone then the relationship with the child loses its force as well. Very sad, but I think a lot of women are naive to think their husband loves the children in the same way they do. They do love them of course, but if they remarry then the new wife/children will be the priority.

BelligerentGardenPixies · 01/10/2017 19:33

DH likes the idea of children (we have four and he would still have more - I'm done), but struggles with the reality of parenting four individuals with actual personalities and needs.

That said, I know some awesome dads and some shit mums, I'm not sure it's divided by sex but more divided by your ability conceptualize other human beings as being separate and autonomous and a willingness to do what's best for them.

juliej00ls · 01/10/2017 19:43

My limited experience yes to wanting kids...no to the tedious grunt work and inconvenience of it. ( hence the garden shed etc😉)

BackInTheRoom · 01/10/2017 20:02

Agree, if the relationship between the parents is severed, it's 'out of sight, out of mind' for the kids. Obviously not for every man but most of my friends are divorced and I've seen this happen.

RedForFilth · 01/10/2017 21:28

My dad has four daughters. Three with my mum and one is his partners daughter but she calls him dad and she is every bit my sister as my other two. He says he believes having children is the reason he was put on this earth. He's truly the best dad anyone could ask for. I love him so much 😊

opheliacat · 01/10/2017 21:30

I thought I would get flamed for that! Interesting others agree.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 01/10/2017 21:32

DH did. He brought up his two sons from his first marriage by himself (DSS2 was a baby when his ex left) and was really hands on with DS. He would do anything for his kids and has always said they are his first priority. If I hadn't wanted to be a stepmum, i have no illusions that he would have been willing to put me first. And to be honest thats what i love about him - he's a great dad and brilliant role model.

Mayhemmumma · 01/10/2017 21:33

Definitely not in my case! DH was desperate to be a dad, in his mind it's a priority - family. He'd love more (it's me that's stuck at 2)

PastoralCare · 02/10/2017 11:08

There is an entire range but here are for me the best/worst cases.

Best cases - He knows he doesn't want any. He knows he wants children, he grew up with siblings, knows what it takes and is ready to give all the time and effort.

Worst case - Would like children, has no idea how much effort it will take and/or doesn't expect to do any of the work required.

Justgivemesomepeace · 02/10/2017 11:20

No my dad was the one that was pushing for children in my parents relationship and he's always been the most amazing dad in the world! My dp would have loved loads of children but circumstances (bad first relationship, 1 child, didn't meet me until we were late 30's, ds now 4 and I'm too old for any more!) meant he ended up with 2 and a step daughter. He would have had about 5 he thinks if things had been different! Completely hands on, focussed totally on the kids and everything he does revolves around them. Except when he goes to play golf....

Skarossinkplunger · 03/10/2017 15:24

While I was dating I met two men who ended our relationship because I didn't want children. I am still friends with them both, one now has a two year old and the other has one on the way. Both are
ridiculously happy.

Lily2007 · 03/10/2017 15:34

I always wanted kids but it was my DH who really nagged for them (possibly as being nagged by MIL) but he's always done lots for them too.

Have a friend whose husband wanted a third and nagged her into it.

I know the opposite too so think it varies with the man.

southeastlondonmum · 03/10/2017 15:38

My husband is a very good father and much better with emotional outbursts than me. We have both worked a combination of full time/ part time and had periods of time off with the children. I'm much better at paying for things/ sorting house and holidays, activities for them such as piano, brownies etc than him. We are both in good professional jobs and enjoy having children although it is hard

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