Has anyone known a man to leave his marriage for OW and it work out and to have been for the best?

[user1499590110]

Just that really. I hear that sometimes it is genuine, and some marriages don't work out, just like long term relationships - but they seem to get less bad press than when a married man has an affair and leaves.

(and im not asking for me!)

I know two - both have married the OW and had second set of children. Been 5+ years so can't say for sure it's worked out for good but longer than I expected in both cases.

I though long and hard about posting and name changed. I suspect you are looking for it being he best for the H and the OW, in my case whilst they are still together I am not certain it has been the best thing for either of them alcohol and bitterness has destroyed their relationships with there children.
However, it has been the best for me, whilst inside the marriage I could not see that he was an emotionally abusive cocklodger. Yes I did not fancy sex with him and drove him to sleep with another woman, but exhaustion from working very long hours, doing everything in the large house he wanted and doing everything for DC. It took me a while after leaving to recognise that he was emotionally abusive, once I realised this I knew I had to repair myself before I attempted to find another relationship.
This process took me five years.
Since I have meet a wonderful man who is loving, supportive and loyal. He is an amazing step father and loves my DC like his own.
So yes for me ExH leaving for the OW was for the best and has worked out.

NearlyChristmas. Your posts are shocking.

You had an affair with a married man and the post- twice about how much you appreciate each other because if the "huge changes" you've had made to your lives? . Well how long belt that you appreciate each other. Maybe you also need to appreciate the huge damage you and your H have done to his dc and to his exwife. I suppose you won't do that though and you will carry on blaming his ex for being such a "vile" person.

You use the term "vile" for her, what word do you use for yourself, who had an affair with a married man?

And I say this as someone who has been happily married for 28 years but have seen the devastation caused by affairs, mainly to the children. And be if no doubt at all that your step children will be hugely effected by your and their fathers actions.

@newlyengaged. I think we are the same person😀

Now that I'm 5 years down the line, the fact that my husband had an affair doesn't bother me because actually without her I don't think he'd have left. But what did and actually still does make our divorce so acrimonious was instead of just ending a marriage he decided to try and destroy me and my life, and to this date has very little to do with the DCs. I don't think I can ever forgive him for the heartbreak he has caused them.

It seems that some people here want the children to be damaged.

Here's a fact. Ours are very happy. Genuinely happier than they were stuck between miserable parents.

The number of miserable marriages I know is huge. Blundering along together for societal norms and because they like the lifestyle and their poor kids living in a home devoid of love, affection and tenderness.Two of my DSD friends stay with us as much as they can as their parents are so relentlessly unhappy.

And some of you think blended families are damaging? Get a grip.

DM's friend's DH ran off with her BFF, something she didn't realise until he'd divorced her for 'unreasonable behaviour' because she didn't want to move to another city, ironically partially because she didn't want to move away from BFF!

That was c. 20 yrs ago & I think they are still together.

He pretty much abandoned his DCs and barely saw them again.

One of them got heavily into drugs.
That could be coincidental of course.

Nearly Christmas- It sounds as if you're protesting your innocence a bit too much. Trying to defend an indefendable position. Has it ever happened to you? Have you ever known the pain? It makes you sad, mad, angry, bitter, confused,traumatised to name only a few emotions you go through hour by hour. If 2 adults genuinely fall for each other they should have the decency to be honest and split with partners etc first before they engage in anything or at least have a go at trying to make their marriage work at least giving it a chance.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday - seriously?? Leave her alone.
So all children of faithful couples are perfectly adjusted, whilst those who've experienced affairs are damaged?!

You have no idea what was going on in that relationship to cast such judgement.
I speak as someone who would never have an affair, but have the intelligence to see how things aren't always as straightforward as they might initially seem.

I don't know about it all working out well in the end. Having an affair is intrinsically a selfish thing to do, so the people who have them are already good at putting themselves first. Am I surprised that many of these relationships are happy? No. The affair couple prioritise their happiness and there are a lot of children and ex partners whose happiness was thrown under the bus to achieve it. So I guess it depends on what is meant by it all working out in the end.
Obviously there are exceptions - where the marriage really was over in all but name, where the ex partner quickly finds the love of their life, where the kids have really kind, loving step parents etc.

There is a lot of pressure for the affair relationship to work out. No one wants to hear 'I told you so' or deal with the guilt of breaking up 2 families for something that isn't 'true love'. We have been sold the idea, as a society, that it is okay to persue love no matter what the cost to others. That it being love, justifies the hurt and deception. So that is a massive incentive to make the new relationship work out.

"Leave her alone"

You do realise MN is a talk forum, where people discuss each other's opinions?
And I'm not the only one to comment on "her" sanctimonious posts!

If 2 adults genuinely fall for each other they should have the decency to be honest and split with partners etc first before they engage in anything or at least have a go at trying to make their marriage work at least giving it a chance.

@Shocker2017 In reference to your quote above, that is exactly what we did do. We both spent around 18 months/2 years working with our previous partners before anything happened. We then took things slowly from that point so it did not look like we were rubbing our relationship in anyone's face.

As a child of a split family, who experienced 'damage', I would say my DSC are exceptionally well adjusted and the older two particularly used to talk openly about how much happier they were living with us, seeing their Dad truly enjoying his life. They don't so much now, as our relationship is their normality and a long time has passed now.

Gosh, I was just trying to give a more balanced and honest viewpoint. I'm really a very nice person you know (smile).

On the surface yes.

In reality, one of both the couples have cheated on their now new partners (OM/OW as were) since.

Vacancy created, etc.

Yes

Best friend and husband met and married too young (forced into by parents), honestly they should never have married.

he met someone else at work and told her before anything happened. They carried on for another year before he said he was happy to stay married but didn't really love her. She ended it.

He married this OW eventually and is much happier. She met someone else and has been much much happier - except she has behaved appallingly in terms of access to their child, will not speak to him at all and constantly talks about how much she hates him - I am no longer her friend

You do realise MN is a talk forum, where people discuss each other's opinions?

Exactly, IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday.
So let's talk and discuss, rather than essentially call posters who's actions you disagree with 'vile' and guilty of irreparably damaging their children.

Ok, l think we all come from our own viewpoints and experiences don't we? That means we have quite raw emotions sometimes which spill over. People are at different points. My DH and I were happy and by his own admission doesn't know how it happened, but it has. So I am not happy and don't feel it's for the best. That I think is the point in trying to make. I know his family and mine are devastated.

I didn't called anyone vile.

Concreteunderpants I don't think anyone is saying blended families are the problem, they happen often. Loveless relationships can be problematic for kids but the effect of one parent leaving and running off to create a new family can be very damaging for children. I am part of a blended family and so is my best friend. My mums ExH left her with my brother, she met my dad 2 years later and had 3 further children. Emotional damage minimal. No affairs (known of) and no great animosity. Our parents made a big effort to make us all feel as though we were treated equally and equally loved.
My friend on the other hand was 7 when her dad ran off with another woman (his now wife). Her mum had just given birth to a new baby boy. She had 5 children to raise when the dad left and started a new family almost instantly with the new woman, and had another baby - these children with different mothers are about 10 months apart. The kids of the first marriage all have a lot of abandonment issues and have had to have a lot of counselling. Since then the dad made / makes it incredibly clear which children he favoured, (children of 1st marriage went to crappy state school, children of 2nd marriage went to v expensive private, nice meal to celebrate child of first marriage's 21st - holiday to Bahamas to celebrate child of seconds 21st, constantly telling children of 1st marriage how wonderful and intellectual the children of 2nd are (well duh you spent £20k a on their education). The children of the first family, all of whom I am very close with, were incredibly emotionally scarred by this, and having seen how it effected them all, it is one of my biggest fears for my children.

Affairs are rarely as black and white as the cheater is a bastard and the cheated upon an innocent victim.

Also, the term OW surely has more than one definition although people would ascribe the same meaning to it regardless. E.g. There is a vast difference between someone who carries on an affair for years, lying, deceiving, sleeping around and only leaving for OW/OM when the husband/wife finds out, and someone who falls in love with someone else, doesn't act on it and then leaves the relationship before embarking on a new relationship with the person they have fallen for. And yet in both situations that other person would be described as the OM/OW and the same level of hatred and vitriol directed at them.

The reality is that everyone has the right to leave a marriage if it is unhappy for them. And don't we all uphold the view on here that people should end the marriage first before starting something with the new partner? And yet if someone does that as nearlyChristmas and her now h did they are still called vile and other names and the ex who has behaved so attrotiously as to warrant police involvement is branded an innocent victim and excused of her behaviour.

I suspect that someone who has been cheating lying and deceiving for a number of months/years prior to leaving would have behaved like an arsehole regardless of how the marriage had ended. And I suspect that the ex wives/partners of these men/women could probably look back into the marriage and find other undesirable traits about them and would probably in fact admit that the marriage wasn't all that happy for the period of cheating anyway because the man/woman was behaving like an arse.

Of course it's a shock to be lied to and deceived for months/years if you were oblivious to what was going on, but that is a different scenario to where a partner ends a marriage because it's not working for them any more. IF there was any other reason everyone would defend their right to end the marriage, but falling in love with someone else is apparently not a reason or defence, even if being with their partner no longer makes them happy and they haven't acted on their feelings.

Yes. The example I know of have been married for 20 years.

Biscuit. Great post.

My dad. Left my mum after 37 years of marriage for high school girlfriend he reconnected with on Friends Reunited and began an affair with. Him and OW have now been married (happily I presume?) for 9 years. None of his five kids went to the wedding (abroad) and all have a VERY strained relationship with him/them. It nearly destroyed my mother.

My Nan left my Grandad in the 60s for his best friend. They had 55 years together before his death

I left my exh to be with my dp. He left his wife to be with me. He has 3 dc and I gave 1. We've been very lucky. 5 years on we are still happy and the kids love each other, and us. I appreciate one day that could change but for now, I appreciate my dsc very much, they have enriched my life, and ds life, beyond measure.

Yes, a friend of a friend. Her husband was unhappy in his marriage for years before they met and he left his first wife for his second wife (my FOAF). I disagree that ''once a cheater always a cheater'' is a law of physics carved in stone. They are very compatible and he married his first wife very young when they little more than teenage hormones in common. I gather that the experience and the laborious process of disentanglement (in Ireland) makes him value his second marriage more than, well, average.
I don't know for sure of course.

I was the OW after 18 years of being very happily married he left for an OW he had known for 3 weeks.