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Original poster

Has anyone known a man to leave his marriage for OW and it work out and to have been for the best?

127 replies

user1499590110 · 30/09/2017 13:21

Just that really. I hear that sometimes it is genuine, and some marriages don't work out, just like long term relationships - but they seem to get less bad press than when a married man has an affair and leaves.

(and im not asking for me!)

OP posts:
Shocker2017 · 30/09/2017 23:13

Dear god , I don't mean to sound sanctimonious or bitter but I am. I'm with the formidablemrsc, my whole life has been turned upside down by the man I love and another woman, selling the house, leaving a neighbourhood I love, friends and family split, years of shared life and memories, so how you can't expect the betrayed woman NOT to be a bit bitter and twisted , I don't know,your lack of empathy Nearlychristmas is sad and symptomatic of those not subjected to the cruelty of what people having an affair does to others. You say you can't forgive - have you thought what it would be like to have everything in your life whipped away from you? Have some sympathy.

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/09/2017 23:19

27Feb No I didn't say that. I said that "in my experience" people I know have been hugely affected by it. Bar only ONE, I have yet to see a successful one, even in my own family (my widowed Dad, for example).

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/09/2017 23:20

Shocker Flowers

HelpfulHermione · 30/09/2017 23:23

Reading this thinking all very interesting then realise I was the OW 17 years ago!! 😳

DH and I had fallen in love at first sight as very young adults and spent the next few years not quite managing to get together.

Eventually I realised I couldn't wait for chance to be on our side so told him how I felt - despite him being engaged to a woman he'd been with for a few years. Within a week he'd left his g'friend and was kissing me on my mum's doorstep.

There wasn't any funny business until he was single though!!

That was 17 years ago and we're now married with two children.

I think of it as a great love story. Not sure what his ex thinks of it though.

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/09/2017 23:24

Lemon I just wish to clarify. My Dad was widowed, my Mum died after 40 years together. He remarried 5 years later to somebody 26 years younger (so we're talking at the time she was 44, my Dad was 70). My very lovely step mum, to be clear, has 3 children of her own. It has been a nightmare. A family blowing nightmare. So not an affair situation but blending, er no....

anotherbadusername · 30/09/2017 23:37

When my marriage broke down I was tempted to start an affair. I know what stopped me from doing it - it was the knowledge that I have never known an affair that has ended well. I would actually trawl the relationship boards here everyday to remind myself of what the consequences would be.

I believed the guy who was showering me with affection and telling me I was the love of his life except when it became screamingly clear what he was after. I never acted on my feelings but even that non-affair had consequences for me. I was glad that nothing ever happened but I am resentful of the fact that he clearly had a script ready for his partner of how I had tried to seduce him. It was horrible and the whole episode made me really ill.

Maybe there are some people that do meet the love of their lives but on the whole the sort of person that is prepared to act on their desires is usually selfish, self centred and best avoided.

BubblingUp · 30/09/2017 23:37

Yes, I know quite a few long term marriages that began as affairs on one or both parts.
Unfortunately, it seems common enough that no one is really off limits anymore as far as prospective dating partners. Too many people "Tarzan" from one relationship to another.

Mrscaindingle · 30/09/2017 23:38

A school friend of mines mum had an affair and left her dad for OM and they quickly had baby. None of the adults behaved well and the fall out for the 4 kids involved, my friend being 12 at the time, was horrendous and caused life long damage with my friends brother now completely estranged from the family.

I have seen some of it for myself too after my ex left after an affair, but not before introducing his gf to my DC. A pp is right that it really messes with your head and I was the angriest I've ever been in my life. I used to wish him dead or at least horribly miserable. The OW did not last and he's now on his 2nd relationship which looks like it may go the distance but from what the DC tells me doesn't sound exactly happy ever after.
It probably depends on the people having the affair having some respect and concern for those left in their wake as to whether or not the collateral damage is long lasting. Unfortunately my ex was falling over himself in his haste to leave and allowed (and is still allowing) his gf to be a barrier between him and his DC.

Shocker2017 · 30/09/2017 23:38

Formidable mrs c I'm completely with you, I was talking to nearly Christmas. Life imploding is good description of what your DH having an affair does to you X

thiskittenbarks · 30/09/2017 23:53

My best friend's dad had an affair and left his wife and 5 v young kids to run off with another woman. He and the OW are still married 20 ish years later, but in my opinion they seem to quite dislike each other. He is very sophisticated is, she is very...not (i.e. I've been in a fancy restaurant with them and he has ordered foie gras and she has literally asked the chef to make her something not on the menu...a jacket potato and cheese). He sneers at her, but she doesn't seem to notice. This (not so) new wife is also an alcoholic, and has told me many times that she hates his children (cue awkwardness as one of them is my best friend). My friend's mum, his 1st wife seems a lot more suited to him, but I guess that's not all that matters. I really hope they are happier than they seem, especially as all his children were pretty damaged in the messy divorce.
I'm sure it works out better for some - I think it's quite a different scenario when no children are involved.

lizzieoak · 30/09/2017 23:54

It affects people differently though. Maybe to an extent depending how the marriage was before the affair. My exh had an affair but while I was annoyed at him telling me how perfect she was (after years of him telling me how useless I was), I wasn't gutted as I was well-rid. I just wanted someone who'd be nice to the kids (she wasn't too interested in the kids).

YetAnotherNC2017 · 30/09/2017 23:57

My grandma on DMs side - married for 30 years until her DH died.

My DF - married 15 years so far. As an adult I see how shit his marriage to my DM was and I can't blame him at all.

Me - married 10 years. DHs wife at the time had already had an affair herself and he only stayed to give their young kids stability. They live with us very happily full time.

It's never an ideal way to start a relationship but it can work out.

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/10/2017 00:05

I can think of only one situation where it has worked out, my best friend's Dad had a very very long term affair. Nobody knew. However, best friend's mum was a raging alcoholic. Dad carried on the affair for something like 20 years of the 27 marraige. He eventually left wife, left her well provided for, and moved in with OW...who was LOVELY! I hate even saying this because my loyalty was to friend's mum who is a gorgeous human being despite alcholism. Anyway, years later, it transpired that OW (who is now wife) was devastated to have lost the chance of having children, and the first marraige was because ex-wife was pregnant and as Catholics, it was the "right thing to do". It's kind of worked out, except for ex wife who has never got over it. I get her..but don't want to be her...

NearlyChristmaswoohoo · 01/10/2017 04:41

@shocker2017 and @TheFormidableMrsC I appreciate both of your viewpoints and am sorry that you have both been so hurt. Believe you me, I felt a lot of sympathy for her initially. As I said in my original reply to the OPs post, we waited nearly 2 years before anything 'serious' happened between us - it was another year or so before I met the children too, as we wanted them to have time to adjust. He had moved out of the family home, along with two of the children, (which I believe would have happened anyway had he not met me) before we decided to make a real go of things. Our relationship was kept subtle and we did not ever rub our happiness in anyone's face My DH's ex kept the family home and is still there ...initially my DH left with nothing, but the clothes on his back. Eventually, he received a lump sum of equity from the house when she bought him out, but this was no-where near 50% and she kept all assets within the property too. My sympathy started to wane as her behaviour became more appalling over the years - despite the fact she was in a relationship with someone else by the time my DH was in his own accomodation. I truely believe children should be kept out of spousal disputes, yet, even with the youngest who was 4/5 then (who was told her dad had had an affair and I had stolen him from her) she did not seem to care how her behaviour affected them, as long as she got back at us. My DH is a wonderful man and a fantastic father/husband. I believe she went too far, and I think I am reasonable in saying over 9 years into our relationship, that her vehement hatred should have waned by now. Her behaviour particularly has been damaging to the children and probably herself too. You obviously don't know us or our back story, and I'm certainly not prepared to air further details to justify our relationship, but all I can say is we were more than mindful of our ex's feelings and tried our best to limit any hurt. My DH and I have always been aware of the huge changes we made to our lives to be together and are so appreciative of our happy, strong and loving relationship- essentially we have made that hurt worth it.

RavingRoo · 01/10/2017 04:53

Friend’s dad walked out on his wife and kids (after verbally abusing them for years) for a 16 year old. Thirty years on they’re still together but at some point he turned into a wife beater, so I don’t think either of them are happier.

CaramelPears · 01/10/2017 04:57

Well let’s just hope the woman/man he/she left doesn’t develop self esteem/trust issues in all future relationships, especially if it’s something that has happened more than once! Just selfish no matter what angle you look at it.

Almost as if you’re saying “oh my happiness is more important than this random man/woman I/he/she am/is with!”

greentea4me · 01/10/2017 05:19

the youngest who was 4/5 then (who was told her dad had had an affair and I had stolen him from her)

Sorry but the child was told the truth. I find your attitude shocking. I suppose you'd take it completely coolly if your husband had an affair, then? Talk about lack of empathy!

sofato5miles · 01/10/2017 05:25

Humans are selfish. It's one of our defining traits.

CaramelPears · 01/10/2017 05:25

Sorry but the child was told the truth. I find your attitude shocking. I suppose you'd take it completely coolly if your husband had an affair, then? Talk about lack of empathy!

It’s all nice when they suddenly decide to put their kids first.* Interesting how they never seem to think of that when having an affair instead of choosing to just leave their existing relationship in the first place.*

MissBabbs · 01/10/2017 06:30

I can't help feel some must regret maybe not leaving the original relationship but sometimes the new one eg having to get on with someone else's teen DCs or starting all over again with babies if there is a young partner. But they won't dare admit it or feel they can dare break up the new relationship, so put a positive face on.

Emilybrontescorsett · 01/10/2017 06:54

I know a couple who have been together years and are very happy,
He was married with children when they met.
As an aside I see nothing wrong on being honest with children.
If their father left for ow then what is wrong in telling them that?
Far better than letting the dcs believe it is something g they have/haven't done which is very often the case and causes I td damage.

Emilybrontescorsett · 01/10/2017 06:55

We also have to remember that a lot of affair couples will not want to admit that they made a mistake.

Inthepast123 · 01/10/2017 07:28

Yes me and dh. He was married to an older woman. He wanted to leave her but she kept finding excuses to stop him. Made him feel guilty. He tried many times before i cam along. She pretended to have cancer, pretended to kill herself, pretended to be pregnant and pretended to have an abortion. All admitted to by her. And sil was witness to most. Made him feel awful when he tried to leave. He finally did and for ysars she stalked me! Came to my work. Found my contact details from her work which is illegal to do! Came to my home. Wished my baby dead. Text me abuse. We now have 3 dcs and she is still trying to contact us. She regularly follows us and police not interested. Anyways. We are happy

Inthepast123 · 01/10/2017 07:29

However i do feel guilty, but why should he be in an EA relationship. He also wanted kids and she had already gone through menopause, hemce the pregnancy being a lie and then abortion etc

MirandaWest · 01/10/2017 07:33

XH had an affair and has now been married to the OW for 2 years. They've been together 7 years or so now and I think ads better suited to each other than he and I were.

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