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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Overwhelming sadness

85 replies

Aminuts23 · 29/09/2017 23:08

When does it get better. My ex ended things quite suddenly recently with no warning. I thought we were happy. He seemed happy. I was. It just hurts a lot, this is the second weekend without him. Last weekend I was a mess. I was doing ok tonight but now I just feel desperately sad. My heart hurts. I can see on FB he's had a great few days whereas I'm just miserable (I'm not going to block, I can't). I thought I was getting better but it's bedtime and we'd usually be together right now. I feel bereft 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Aminuts23 · 29/09/2017 23:11

All of a sudden I'm aching inside. I know it will pass

OP posts:
Mary1935 · 29/09/2017 23:24

Yes it will pass - try and not look on FB if you can - be kind to yourself and don't contact him. "This too shall pass" - night

userxx · 29/09/2017 23:25

It's a rubbish feeling but it will pass in time, until then you just have to ride it out. Easier said than done I know!! How long were you together and why did he end it?

Poshindevon · 29/09/2017 23:25

Been there Aminuts23 it hurts and the pain is real. I feel for you Flowers
It will get better I promise and one day you may even love again.
Stop looking what he is doing on face book and drag yourself into the world because its amazing how things can turn around

MiracleCure · 29/09/2017 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 29/09/2017 23:40

Together only just under a year. I haven't really had a proper answer why he ended it other than his heart wasn't in it. That's an answer in a fashion I suppose. I know it will pass. I'm busy tomorrow and out tomorrow night. I think it's just the pain of the first Friday night in as that was our every week night. If no other always a Friday.

OP posts:
PressForPancakes · 29/09/2017 23:48

Flowers I know how you're feeling. I hope you get a good night's sleep and have a better day tomorrow. Keeping busy is good.

Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 00:40

Yes. Stay away from Facebook.
When dh and I first separated I felt defeated and sad.
Checked fb on our first weekend apart and he was life and soul of a works party with all his female colleagues.

However I started to feel better and get on with life and then it hit him. Like a delayed reaction.

Bosabosa · 30/09/2017 00:49

Block-really helps

Fluffybrain · 30/09/2017 00:54

It really is better not to look on Facebook. It's self torture. Accept that it's going to hurt for a while but not forever. Do small things that make you happy. I found that keeping my mind busy with light entertainment helped. Quizzes, endless episodes of Friends, box sets. I did wake in the night and cry for a long time. But not forever. In the end you just get bored of it. So you have a hot choc and watch comedy.

Deathraystare · 30/09/2017 07:57

It won't get better until you stop looking on facebook! You say you can't block but why torture yourself? What do you gain from looking , apart from sorrow?

Movingon1611 · 30/09/2017 08:02

Definitely block on all social media, he’s not going to post anything showing him miserable and seeing him “happy” only serves to torture yourself further.
When my husband left me for OW I kept him on Facebook because I wanted to see what he was doing that was better than spending time with our DC- OW loves a Facebook post and tagging so I pretty much knew their exact movements. Then the photos started to be posted and I just found it humiliating that after almost 13 years with me he could plaster photos of him kissing another woman where all our mutual friends could see.
My point is, all it did is we upset me or make me angry so I blocked him and it was the best thing I ever did in terms of helping myself move on.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 30/09/2017 09:06

I've had a few relationships in the past, mostly not serious. The only ex I've blocked has been the abusive one I was with for 7 years. I can't put this ex into that category. I just need to keep busy and not look. I didn't sleep well but I've lots to do today to keep me busy and I'm out with my best friend. Stupidly I expected to hear from him last night but I didn't. That's a relief in one way (he sent me a rambling apology last Friday night and my response was less than dignified I'm ashamed to say). Half of me wishes I had heard from him and the other half is glad I didn't. 'This will pass' - repeating

OP posts:
Worriedrose · 30/09/2017 09:33

Really you should block
It is self torture... I've done it, still do it. Got off Facebook completely for a while.
Sending you Flowers

TheNaze73 · 30/09/2017 09:46

Another voice for the "block" chorus. He may not be in the same category as your abusive ex, however it's not doing you any favours. I think your less than dignified response was probably the final nail in the coffin as far as he's concerned.
Move on

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 30/09/2017 10:03

I did apologise TheNaze and he said I have nothing to apologise for. The way he ended it was actually spectacularly cruel. The reason I don't want to block is that there may be a friendship that can be rescued in time. I mean in a very long time when my feelings are gone. I'm being strong I think. Not contacted him for a week or so now and no intentions of it

OP posts:
userxx · 30/09/2017 10:25

If I were you I would defriend for now and if and when you are ready for a friendships get back in touch. One question though, why would you want to be friends with someone who ended things in a cruel way?

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 30/09/2017 11:00

I think because we've know each other since we were teenagers (in our 40s now) and we got on really well. All was brilliant until he decided he didn't want a relationship and ended it in such a cruel and gutless way. He has shown genuine remorse for the way he did it and I believe him. I can't forgive him at the moment but we might be friends in time. In a long time

OP posts:
userxx · 30/09/2017 17:31

Ahhh, the old friends before getting together thing!!! One word of advice, it's bloody painful trying to be go back and be just friends. I'm trying but failing miserably.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 30/09/2017 17:37

userxx I’m a million miles from even thinking about attempting it. Probably not possible sadly. The shame of it is if he’d been honest then I may have been able to. The last 24 hours have been absolutely horrendous to be honest. I’ve kept busy but I’ve been on my own and just feel empty. I need to get ready for my night out shortly. I’m sure that will make me feel better. I hope you’re ok

OP posts:
Fluffybrain · 02/10/2017 04:04

Did your night out go ok OP? Sometimes being on your own helps and sometimes being with friends helps. First few weeks is just about getting through the day to day.

user1493423934 · 02/10/2017 04:09

How are doing OP? It's shit what you're going through. Only advice I can give is that there are a lot of us going through what you are. Flowers

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 02/10/2017 08:42

I enjoyed my night out thank you. The 24 hours after work on Friday was really tough as we’d always be together then. But I got through it, no contact at all. Told my family yesterday and that was ok. I’m feeling more positive. I’m guessing the next few weekends will be hard but a bit easier each time. Thank you for checking

OP posts:
Teddy7878 · 02/10/2017 08:48

It's the most awful feeling ever, especially when you're the one who has been dumped (I've been through it a few times and have literally thought I'd die from the pain I felt).
It always passes though. With every boyfriend I've ever had I've always said I'll never get over them and they were definitely the one. I've tortured myself looking at their social media and sending them texts whenever I felt down. I no longer give the slightest crap about any of them and never think about them. You'll get there eventually too and will eventually meet someone you like even more than your ex. One tip that helped me was to leave my phone in a different room when I was alone at home. I'd then distract myself by going for a bath or watching a film. I'd be climbing the walls the first few times wanting to desperately check my phone to see if he'd been in contact. After a week of doing this it became easier and it really helped me get over him faster

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 02/10/2017 08:51

Teddy it is getting easier. Thank you for the tips. Since he did it I haven’t contacted him at all unless it was to reply to him so I think I’m doing ok in that respect. I don’t have anything to say to him anyway.

OP posts: