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Original poster

What does he mean by 'I love being with you'?

51 replies

mylifetoo · 29/09/2017 18:42

In response to me telling him that I love him.
We've been together 7 months, it's his first relationship since his wife died 20 years ago, he wanted to concentrate on bringing up their children.
It's my first relationship since I divorced my abusive husband a few years ago.
We met online and instantly clicked.
He behaves like he loves me, but if I tell him I love him, he answers with 'I love being with you'.
Does he love me, or is it just a 'nice' relationship for him, do you think?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 29/09/2017 20:48

It's an evasive answer: I wouldn't be saying the L word to him again and would take steps back.

The behaviours you describe are just normal/nice dating things, and don't necessarily suggest he loves you.

Original poster
mylifetoo · 29/09/2017 20:52

Oh well, I'd better try playing things cool for a while and see where things go.
Thank you all for all your replies, it's been a long time since I last posted on here - while I was trying to escape from ex actually.

OP posts:
Guiltybystander · 29/09/2017 20:57

I can never say I love you to anyone. It is just so schmaltzy. But I express love in other ways. There are lot of people like that.

dnwig · 30/09/2017 00:04

We were like that but the other way round. .he'd say "love" and I'd reply "I care about you". I wasn't ready and didn't want to hurt him by saying it when I wasn't sure.

We've been together almost 30 years so it wasn't a bad thing!

LesisMiserable · 30/09/2017 00:25

cooling off/pulling back IS playing games andI think you're too old (your words) for that too. You've decided seven months in you're in love with him. That's great. Fast but great. He loves being with you. You're both happy. where's the fire exactly??

Just enjoy. You're being a bit silly. He's an individual and he gets to say it when he wants to, when it feels right.

TheNaze73 · 30/09/2017 01:01

A declaration of love after 7 months would be a red flag to many. I think he's being realistic

TheStoic · 30/09/2017 05:07

Sounds like he is being honest, and literally so.

How do his actions not match his words?

claraschu · 30/09/2017 05:20

I agree with LesisMiserable.

I also think that, in some ways, "loving being with someone" means just as much, if not more than, "loving" them. I have known lots of people who are "in love" but can't actually enjoy one another's company very much (always squabbling, no common interests, find one another annoying, etc). Don't underestimate the value of a relationship which brings mutual comfort, enjoyment, and kindness.

Dustbunny1900 · 30/09/2017 05:21

He's not as invested as you are, doesn't see you ever living together, seems to be just what he said :he loves your company and likes you/is fond of you but isn't in love. I wouldn't say those actions necessarily mean he loves you either, seems to be decent person behaviour. Makes me sad when you said he hugs you without expecting sex, your ex must have been a real ass.
Anyways, it's only been 7 months, maybe put some of the breaks on for your hearts sake

daisychain01 · 30/09/2017 05:50

it's his first relationship since his wife died 20 years ago

OP please give this man a break, and try to understand things from his perspective. Sometimes even saying words like I love you can feel like a betrayal to someone who lost their life partner. Don't try to force him into saying things that give him conflicting loyalties. Be willing to accept that, even if he can't say the words yet, actions are the most important thing and if your instincts signal he's a keeper, someone with good qualities and nice to be with, at this point in your relationship take things as they come.

Loopytiles · 30/09/2017 06:54

Saying I love you after 7 months of dating is NOT a red flag!

"I love being with you" usually means they don't love you.

Yes he may have isses to do with losing his wife 20 years ago, but the most obvious explanation is that he's Just Not That Into You.

borntobequiet · 30/09/2017 07:03

He means that he doesn't actually love you. But you seem to have a nice relationship, so it it really a problem?

MyOtherProfile · 30/09/2017 07:11

Saying I love you after 7 months of dating is NOT a red flag!

So glad you said that. I'm stunned people think it is. I knew a couple of months in that I loved the man I went on to marry and we actually got married less than a year after we met. 7 months is plenty of time to get to know someone. I don't understand these people saying that 7 months in you still hardly know him.

I think he may well be finding it hard to say I love you because of his wife etc but the red flag for me would be him saying you could probably never live together. He seems to have reached a conclusion about your future thst I personally wouldn't be happy with.

Auntpetunia2015 · 30/09/2017 08:13

Give him time. My DP and I got together 18 months ago, and whilst I knew within a few months that I loved him and told him after about 4/5 months it took him till about 6/7 months in to say it. He used to say he loved being with me, doing things with me. But he also explained very early on that this was self preservation, he'd been badly hurt in his very abusive and was finding it impossible to believe that I loved him as he'd been told so often he was worthless and that he was lucky his ex stayed with him of course she did he was the one working and she lived the life of Riley

You say his wife died, he may be scared something will happen to you.

In the same way woman try to play it cool and not over invest fellas do the same.

My DP Suddenly realised that he couldn't ruin what we had because of what had happened before and took the huge risk in his mind of opening his heart again.

Happinesssssss · 30/09/2017 08:20

I think if you love someone, you will know within 7 months.

I'm not sure how much actually saying it always means though. I have said I love you in two relationships when I didnt. Tbh I felt under pressure to say it and also I thought if I said it, I might grow to feel it (I didnt.)

daisychain01 · 30/09/2017 15:10

What shallowness in
Yes he may have isses to do with losing his wife 20 years ago, but the most obvious explanation is that he's Just Not That Into You

How lacking in human empathy can you get!

daisychain01 · 30/09/2017 15:11

And I agree with those who say that declaring love after 7 months is not a red flag.

So many hackneyed MN cliches in one thread!

Josuk · 30/09/2017 18:12

Not everyone can say these things, or even be able to properly understand what it is that they are feelings.

I've always been like this. I never really know what love is.
When I was 19 - love meant I would do about anything to be with that person, to make him happy. Move countries, shape my life around his life and being together with that person was all and everything I needed.
As I grew older - the definition changed. And the border between like, like a lot, and love - became illusive.
And - the worst thing is when someone pressures you to define it, when you, like me, don't quite know what it is that they put into this concept of love.

All I am saying - we are all different. And 7mo is not enough time really. Not for someone who's not had a relationship for a long time.

Don't play games with him.

OzzyOsbourne · 30/09/2017 18:45

I'm in a similar situation. I've been with my boyfriend for seven months and am full sure I love him. However, he says he can't say yet, that it takes him longer to get there. He acts like he loves me and our relationship is just getting better and better. But I feel like I have to wait for him to catch up. I haven't told him I love him yet because I don't want to put him under pressure to say it back if he doesn't feel it yet. I'm thinking if he's no further on by Christmas I'll be cutting my losses. Which means I'll lose one of the best men I've met but self-preservation will have to kick in eventually.

RidingWindhorses · 30/09/2017 19:32

You could always ask him.

Does he say that because he's not ready to say it, because he doesn't love you and never will, or because he never says it in relationships and didn't previously (some men are like that).

OzzyOsbourne · 30/09/2017 19:57

He says he's not ready Sad

RidingWindhorses · 30/09/2017 20:14

That was actually to the OP but it applies to both of you.

Well, he may just not be ready. It takes me a long time to know I'm in love with someone.

CakeOffBakeOff · 30/09/2017 22:21

I love being with you is a polite way to tell someone you like them but are not in love with them

It is an accepted social response to being told "I love you". There is a whole episode of Friends about this when Ross is dating Mona.

Ross: Hey! You were a closed book! Okay? I’m not a mind reader! Besides, I hate those conversations. I’m horrible at them. Really! Maybe-maybe I need kind of a gesture. Y’know, something that says we’re moving forward without having to talk about it.

Monica: Like asking her to move in with you?

Ross: Smaller than that.

Monica: Making her a mixed tape?

Ross: Uh, bigger than that.

Phoebe: Give her a key to your apartment.

Ross: Whoa-hello! We were closer with the mixed tape.

Monica: All right. Have you said, "I love you?" You could say, I love you.

Ross: Yeah I-I don’t-I don’t think I’m quite there yet, but I could say I looove spending time with you.

Phoebe: No, we hate that.

Monica: That is a slap in the face.

ravenmum · 01/10/2017 13:53

I don't understand these people saying that 7 months in you still hardly know him.
I thought I knew my ex after 20 years, turned out I still had something to learn about him.

Now been seeing boyfriend twice a week or so since January and no, I don't know him. I haven't lived with him, haven't made any decisions with him, haven't met his family apart from his daughter, whom I've seen a handful of times (the rest live miles away), have never seen him ill, depressed, angry or dealing with poor service in a shop, haven't had any falling-outs, haven't even had to spend the afternoon killing time sitting in pouring rain by the seaside with him. Yesterday an old school friend of his came to visit with his wife and kids and it was the first time I'd seen the bf in a situation like that. He came out of it very well - the friend was nice, the conversation was interesting, they involved me, the wife and the kids rather than boring us with anecdotes ... I know him a little bit better. But I wouldn't say I know him well yet.

MyOtherProfile · 01/10/2017 14:07

Ravenmum in your situation I can see why you feel you don't really know him. 7 months into my current relationship we had both met each other's friends and family and spent lots of time together so we felt we knew each other pretty well.

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