I'm future faking someone...

[futurefakingfornow]

And I know I'm a coward but I think I ought to continue for the time being...

Hear me out:

Met a guy last year and fell into a FWB situation. He seemed lovely and the sex was out of this world. 😳 But as time went on he seemed to get more and more attached (I was happy with the casual set up as too busy for anything heavier). He started pushing for us to spend more time together and for more text contact. I couldn't really logistically spare more time at that point despite really liking him. It was causing him to get upset and as we were just starting to argue instead of enjoy our time together, I put an end to things in April.

He really lost it, said I'd led him on and that I was using him for an affair!!! He decided that because my ex partner (and father of my DC's) would look after the kids at my house whilst I was at work some evenings, that actually he must be living there and I was taking him for a mug. This was not true and the ex has a temporary living situation at the moment which should be resolved by the new year. We get on well and he is a good dad so I don't mind him hanging out at mine but I haven't had a relationship with him for years!!! I can see why the new guy got it into his head that he might have been being played - I do have unusual circumstances. But what he did next was unacceptable...

He stormed round to my house whilst I was at work one evening and my ex was looking after the kids and confronted my ex on the doorstep whilst the kids were awake! Basically saying; "she's been taking us both for mugs mate, been seeing us both at the same time - thought you should know the truth." Luckily my DC's were getting ready for bed upstairs and only just missed the commotion but they could have heard it. My ex then told him that we were long split up, nobody was being played and if he didn't fuck off from his children's property in the next 5 seconds, he'd live to regret it... So off he went.

Ex was pissed off with me but also supportive and I was mortified. I sent new man an angry text to say that if he ever came near me, my family or my property again then I would call the police. Then I blocked him on everything. I was pretty heart sore but was so annoyed that he'd done what he did to my ex (and potentially kids) just because he didn't trust me. I really missed him but I thought that was the end of it.

It was for a while. Until I did something really dumb.

I bumped into FWB guy on my way out of the supermarket in July. I tried to avoid him at first but he kept trying to talk to me, so I asked him what he wanted and he apologised for what he'd done. He was very genuinely sorry and said he'd not stopped kicking himself for the stupid way he'd behaved, that he'd grown so attached to me and acted like an arsehole. He said he had got it all wrong and had never behaved so stupidly before and never would again. Said he'd learnt his lesson and had lost out all because he'd let his emotions get the better of him. He said he was sorry he did that to me and to my ex and would never bother us again but just wanted to let me know as I'd blocked him and he felt I deserved sincere apologies. I thanked him and wished him the best of luck with everything in the future and
went on my way but it shook me up a bit as I was just starting to put him behind me and there he was looking all gorgeous and behaving like the gent I first met.

And then 4 days later, on a night out with the girls, I bumped into him again!!! I left a little earlier than my friends as I had a busy weekend ahead so went to the taxi rank at about 11:30/midnight and there he was waiting for a cab at the same time!!! He'd been in the bar over the road all evening apparently. It really threw me and he offered to share a taxi home (he lives about 6 roads away so same direction). I stupidly said yes as he'd been so genuine the night before so I thought - why not? Except almost as soon as we got in the back of the taxi we just looked at each other and started to kiss... (poor driver 🙈). Long story short, we got out at his place, went upstairs and had some seriously mind blowing sex. Twice. I ended up getting a taxi home from his at about 5am!!!

What an idiot. We'd had a bit of a talk in between having sex both times but I unblocked him the next morning on WhatsApp and the messages started again. We both said we should just leave it there as a one off. But we haven't been able to resist and have been sneakily seeing each other ever since. The sex is very addictive.

But just in the last month, despite agreeing to be casual, I can feel him getting pushy again. I realise now that he can't cope with taking things very slowly and that it's not fair to expect him to wait for my logistics to fit in with his. However, he makes me feel very uneasy and the threat of him kicking off and bringing trouble to my door again is still hanging unsaid in the air. He's already starting to sulk if I can't find time to see him every week or if I don't text back quick enough. He's making all these big plans for us for when I move to a new place next year and I have more time in my hands...

Except I'm now moving within the next 5 weeks!!! And further away than originally planned (will have to change one of my DC's school for example). I haven't told him this and don't intend to. I know it's awful and that this is my own stupid fault but he scares me and despite the amazing physical connection, I think he might have abusive undertones. For example, last weekend when I tried to leave his house the morning after the night before, he pinned me down on the bed and said "you're not going anywhere yet!" and kind of forced himself on me! I tried to relax and enjoy the sex but felt afterwards that what he did wasn't right and it was just a reminder that he is physically stronger and likes to remind me of that sometimes.

I've been a real idiot but I don't feel safe and I know I have to end it once and for all. So I guess what I'm asking is, should I pretend to be up for going along with all his future plans for the next month and then secretly move to my new house and finish it with him from afar? Or should I stop being a coward and tell him the truth now and take the consequences even though I have a horrible feeling that he might come and make more trouble for my ex and kids and I just don't feel safe? I know this is of my own making but it feels morally wrong to keep saying "I love you too/yes I can't wait until we can go on holiday/move in/you meet the kids" or whatever. But he just gives me the worst feeling - like I haven't yet seen what he's truly capable of... 😔

Jeez I'm an idiot...

Well I'd end it now and not meet up with him again. Good luck, I hope he accepts it and doesn't bother you too much.

You keep saying that you haven't strung him along but you HAVE!

When you finished things the first time you told him to leave you alone and he did. Why are you so worried about how he's gunna react now if you end it a second time? He didn't do anything to you the first time. Are you worried because you know you've messed him about and strung along and you don't want to deal with the confrontation so it's easier to make him seem like he's gunna kick off despite not doing so before?

I agree with the previous poster who said if roles were reversed you'd be getting a hammering.

Grow some balls and be honest with the man for once in your life. All I've read here is a woman who has lied and messed this guy around from the very begining. You don't want a future with him?? That's absolutely fine - but then you shouldn't be telling him you love him and that a future with him is what you want!

He's never stalked you. He's never sat outside your house. Bumping into an ex in the supermarket ONCE does NOT mean he's following you. He was at the taxi rank BEFORE you so he wasn't following you then either. It just seems that you/other posters are trying to make out this guy has been following you - he hasn't. He wasn't even in the same pub as you.

Stop playing the victim. He doesn't sound healthy but personally I think you're the worse one here. He may have been 'full on' but at least he's been honest with what he wants. All you've done is lie to him and make him out to be a stalker.

What he did with your ex round your house was wrong but let's be honest, a woman comes on here and says she's shagging a man who still lives with his ex wife and everyone tells her he must be messing them both around.

You can't be that scared of him when you regularly go over to his for a shag.

Stop playing the victim.
Whether or not she has strung him along, he does not have the right to rape her and that is what he did.

End it now and move on with your new life. Good luck op

OP I really strongly recommend reading The Gift of Fear - it will help you not only recognise and deal with the abusive behaviours in this relationship, but also help you learn to trust your instincts going forward.

NotTheFordType - I bet that books been helpful to you in your line of work? I often suggest it to clients of mine who do a similar job, which I’ve had a fair few of.

I read it several years ago before I started sex work. It's second nature to me now to rely on my instincts, certainly. My setting and keeping of boundaries has been immeasurably improved through doing sex work.

Not really relevant to OP's situation, though.

Run for the hills!!!

Raspberry got deleted for saying the same thing upthread, unfortunately it seems that Garden agrees with her/him.

Thank you once again everyone for the support.

Sparkling Raspberry, I have never said that he stalked me OR that he raped me. Other posters have suggested that might be the case. I'm not too sure myself - I have certainly gone along with most of the sex of my own volition.

Also you keep saying he was at the taxi rank before I was? Not the case - I was there first (as far as I know) when he walked up to me and said hello after a couple of minutes - in fact I heard his voice before seeing him. I don't know where you're getting this from?

One thing that you and other posters are right about is that the reason I'm more scared this time is that for the last few weeks I HAVE been feeling more wary and haven't been as sure that I felt the same way about him as I did before. Probably because he's been ramping up the pushiness. I only made up my mind this week (after last weekend) that it wasn't ever going to work out. And that's made me feel very sad. I do have some very confusing loving feelings towards him and if he'd been more able to cope with this situation then I've no doubt I'd be in full blown love with the guy - he has redeeming features. But his domineering behaviour has meant that I'm naturally wary. I've certainly never led him on for a whole year! I did come up with the plan to maybe act fake to him for the remaining month before I move but I can see now that that's not fair and I won't be doing that.

So yes, I do need to get some balls and I do completely see that if it was a guy in the situation he'd really be getting a pasting no doubt. But I guess the fear that he'll react badly is based on how obsessive he's becoming again and how I can see his mind running away with him and his inability to accept any reasoning. He not done wrong yet but my intuition is suddenly screaming at me that this is all wrong.

Thank you for the book tip - I will check it out...

You seem like a drama lama, why are you even scared of him? Has he been violent towards you/others?

You seem like a drama lama, why are you even scared of him? Has he been violent towards you/others?
Did you bother to read the thread?

Maybe I am?

I'm scared of him as he's becoming more rough in the bedroom, more pushy in trying to get me rush forward with my plans (such as introducing him to my kids before I'm ready, etc) and more unkind whenever I disagree with him or say something "wrong" (note: I never actually know what might set him off as he keeps moving the goalposts). He has a temper. No violence but I seem to be placating him every time I see/speak to him now and he's got all these lovely plans for the future but doesn't care to be sensible and take them slowly - he'd rather I put my kids through upheaval to prove to him that I love him and want the sane things. It's actually has the opposite effect that he was going for.

That combined with the fact that he didn't take well to me ending things in April (after similar behaviour) to the point where he threatened to "expose me for the cheating bitch I am" (I have never cheated) and then actually knocked on my door and confronted my ex whilst the kids were still awake and I was at work - completely stuck!

I guess I just feel if I end it now, a second time (even though his behaviour is getting worse and I have to), that he'll feel so pissed off that I won't bow to his will that he'll invent some other reason to kick off and maybe even bring trouble to my door again (especially now he knows they're my Achilles heel).

Maybe I am being over dramatic. But this guy has got it all planned out in his head and he's not actually really enjoying our time together. He just wants to be in control and is getting frustrated that I'm not letting him. His mind is running away like a freight train and he will not slow down. He is not going to take well to me stopping him in his tracks and calling it a day, I know that much. His dominance is intimidating. Haven't you ever been in that situation where you fear their unpredictability?

future Do be careful.

WUB

I haven't read the whole thread, sorry I'm in agony with intermittent Braxton Hicks but I did want to comment.

Hope I've got the gist correctly.... my view is You don't need to keep berating yourself on here for our benefit. I think yes it was silly to pretend away so you can get on with quietly slipping away from him. But to be honest he doesn't t sound like he'd take no for an answer and you need to lull him into a false sense of security. Worrying.

You have picked up on things that you are quite right to be wary of. I would only echo what others have said about not making your new address voting details etc public as there is good reason.
It's very disquieting to feel this way and sexual chemistry, attraction etc can sometimes mask the characteristics of an abusive or dangerous personality complex. I should know. I'm neck deep in extricating myself from one such creature right now.

Please whatever you do be careful. The pinning you on the bed thing is disturbing in the extreme I would avoid any time with him alone. You are going to be walking a bit of a tightrope for a few weeks if you do this and it's a risky gamble. Have you got friends or family that could stay with you, especially given you've got kids too.

You're not stupid. You've just got caught up in something you thankfully have realised isn't healthy. Please take care and keep us posted.

Sorry if this has been discussed but have you got enough evidence to warn the Police about him staying away or are you against that for fear of reprisal?
Sorry if this has been done here already

how much do you know about his real life?
does he work?
do you know his past? maybe he was violent to someone in the past.
he sounds scary.
if I were you I wouldn't end it by moving somewhere you think he wont find out. he will find out. he seems obsessed.
I would talk to him in a public place and warn him with police if he crosses boundaries.

Thanks Gilead!

Lollipop how exciting! Are you due soon? Hope the Brixton hicks calm down - they are bloody sore but I guess it means things are heading the right way there! 🙌🏻

I did recently find out one thing about his life that put me off further. He has a grown up DD of about 22 (he's 50 and I'm mid 30's). He split up from his ex wife when she was about 6 I think and she's always lived with her mum but visited him on weekends. Well a couple of weeks ago, when he was banging on about meeting my kids again, I asked him would I ever be meeting his daughter as well then and he went a bit quiet and just said; "Oh - she's not really talking to me at the moment." When I asked why he just said she was always asking for money and he was sick of being treated like a cash machine and not much else. So he told her off and she's gone off in the huff apparently. This was early this year supposedly. Said he misses her but won't be a mug. He does NOT speak highly of her mother either. I sympathised with him at the time but I must admit I have since wondered if there's more to that story. I don't know.

Other than that, I know he has a few friends but I've never met them. He seems like he does well at work (I won't out his profession) as he has a nice place all to himself, decorated nicely. Parents both dead but one sister he also doesn't speak to. Hmmmm. In touch with his aunt, uncle and cousins a lot though, which is nice. No violent history as far as I know, but then he would never admit to that if he had would he?!

Will tread carefully. X

And yes I think the sexual chemistry has blinded me at first to how controlling this dude could potentially be. It's an odd feeling - he looks great for his age and is (or was) amazing in bed. I don't mind a bit of kink but it's getting rougher and he admits to being a "Dom" or whatever. I do care for him and I think I've gotten carried away. But it's becoming crystal clear that he won't cope well with a woman that answers back and that's a hell of a worry when you have kiddos...

violence history can be found from police records I guess.
there was something like you can ask about the past info of possible boyfriend for domestic violence possibility.

I think he thinks you are a good candidate for him with your age and etc.

You’re doing the right thing in letting him go

You might want to get a new phone as well as a number

I worry that he’s tracking you, what with those 2 lots of bumping into you...

Don’t take your phone to your new house, or at least switch it off before you leave Home

Hissy is right he is tracking you.