I'm future faking someone...

[futurefakingfornow]

And I know I'm a coward but I think I ought to continue for the time being...

Hear me out:

Met a guy last year and fell into a FWB situation. He seemed lovely and the sex was out of this world. 😳 But as time went on he seemed to get more and more attached (I was happy with the casual set up as too busy for anything heavier). He started pushing for us to spend more time together and for more text contact. I couldn't really logistically spare more time at that point despite really liking him. It was causing him to get upset and as we were just starting to argue instead of enjoy our time together, I put an end to things in April.

He really lost it, said I'd led him on and that I was using him for an affair!!! He decided that because my ex partner (and father of my DC's) would look after the kids at my house whilst I was at work some evenings, that actually he must be living there and I was taking him for a mug. This was not true and the ex has a temporary living situation at the moment which should be resolved by the new year. We get on well and he is a good dad so I don't mind him hanging out at mine but I haven't had a relationship with him for years!!! I can see why the new guy got it into his head that he might have been being played - I do have unusual circumstances. But what he did next was unacceptable...

He stormed round to my house whilst I was at work one evening and my ex was looking after the kids and confronted my ex on the doorstep whilst the kids were awake! Basically saying; "she's been taking us both for mugs mate, been seeing us both at the same time - thought you should know the truth." Luckily my DC's were getting ready for bed upstairs and only just missed the commotion but they could have heard it. My ex then told him that we were long split up, nobody was being played and if he didn't fuck off from his children's property in the next 5 seconds, he'd live to regret it... So off he went.

Ex was pissed off with me but also supportive and I was mortified. I sent new man an angry text to say that if he ever came near me, my family or my property again then I would call the police. Then I blocked him on everything. I was pretty heart sore but was so annoyed that he'd done what he did to my ex (and potentially kids) just because he didn't trust me. I really missed him but I thought that was the end of it.

It was for a while. Until I did something really dumb.

I bumped into FWB guy on my way out of the supermarket in July. I tried to avoid him at first but he kept trying to talk to me, so I asked him what he wanted and he apologised for what he'd done. He was very genuinely sorry and said he'd not stopped kicking himself for the stupid way he'd behaved, that he'd grown so attached to me and acted like an arsehole. He said he had got it all wrong and had never behaved so stupidly before and never would again. Said he'd learnt his lesson and had lost out all because he'd let his emotions get the better of him. He said he was sorry he did that to me and to my ex and would never bother us again but just wanted to let me know as I'd blocked him and he felt I deserved sincere apologies. I thanked him and wished him the best of luck with everything in the future and
went on my way but it shook me up a bit as I was just starting to put him behind me and there he was looking all gorgeous and behaving like the gent I first met.

And then 4 days later, on a night out with the girls, I bumped into him again!!! I left a little earlier than my friends as I had a busy weekend ahead so went to the taxi rank at about 11:30/midnight and there he was waiting for a cab at the same time!!! He'd been in the bar over the road all evening apparently. It really threw me and he offered to share a taxi home (he lives about 6 roads away so same direction). I stupidly said yes as he'd been so genuine the night before so I thought - why not? Except almost as soon as we got in the back of the taxi we just looked at each other and started to kiss... (poor driver 🙈). Long story short, we got out at his place, went upstairs and had some seriously mind blowing sex. Twice. I ended up getting a taxi home from his at about 5am!!!

What an idiot. We'd had a bit of a talk in between having sex both times but I unblocked him the next morning on WhatsApp and the messages started again. We both said we should just leave it there as a one off. But we haven't been able to resist and have been sneakily seeing each other ever since. The sex is very addictive.

But just in the last month, despite agreeing to be casual, I can feel him getting pushy again. I realise now that he can't cope with taking things very slowly and that it's not fair to expect him to wait for my logistics to fit in with his. However, he makes me feel very uneasy and the threat of him kicking off and bringing trouble to my door again is still hanging unsaid in the air. He's already starting to sulk if I can't find time to see him every week or if I don't text back quick enough. He's making all these big plans for us for when I move to a new place next year and I have more time in my hands...

Except I'm now moving within the next 5 weeks!!! And further away than originally planned (will have to change one of my DC's school for example). I haven't told him this and don't intend to. I know it's awful and that this is my own stupid fault but he scares me and despite the amazing physical connection, I think he might have abusive undertones. For example, last weekend when I tried to leave his house the morning after the night before, he pinned me down on the bed and said "you're not going anywhere yet!" and kind of forced himself on me! I tried to relax and enjoy the sex but felt afterwards that what he did wasn't right and it was just a reminder that he is physically stronger and likes to remind me of that sometimes.

I've been a real idiot but I don't feel safe and I know I have to end it once and for all. So I guess what I'm asking is, should I pretend to be up for going along with all his future plans for the next month and then secretly move to my new house and finish it with him from afar? Or should I stop being a coward and tell him the truth now and take the consequences even though I have a horrible feeling that he might come and make more trouble for my ex and kids and I just don't feel safe? I know this is of my own making but it feels morally wrong to keep saying "I love you too/yes I can't wait until we can go on holiday/move in/you meet the kids" or whatever. But he just gives me the worst feeling - like I haven't yet seen what he's truly capable of... 😔

Jeez I'm an idiot...

clovertoast
I think you mean phone 101- the NHS advice service is 111...

You really need to tell this man it's over now. But let ex know the full situation first.
You have given a lot of mixed messages to fwb, and if you move without telling him, he's much more likely to try to trace you as he will have unanswered questions, somewhat justifiably.

You will not be able to relax in the new place, and ultimately he'll find you sooner or later.

Phone fwb and tell him that you've decided the relationship with him is not what you want, and you don't have the feelings for him that he would like you to have. Be firm, you don't have to discuss it any further with him, so long as he knows this is a final decision from you. Then block on everything. Call the Police if he arrives at your door and won't go away.

Apologies I stand corrected - 101.

OP: you worry if you tell him he will try to find out your address but....he might make more of an issue if you move, then tell him its over. He might be more enraged you've led him on while knowing full well you were moving. He might be more angry and determined to find you. I think you should be honest with him, tell him its too intense, you have other priorities and you would like to end it. You don't need a reason.

Good idea to speak to your Ex, he sounds like a good guy.

I think you might all be right you know. I'm going to try and put him off this weekend and speak to ex instead. I'll take his advice. I'd imagine (after he calms down) that he'll advise me to finish with him immediately - or he will). I won't tell him about the dodgy sex episode (don't think I can really classify it as rape) or he will go fucking ape shit and probably burn FWB's house down. But I will tell him that I've messed up and believed he was a changed man only to realise he worse than I thought...

And then I guess I'll have to be honest and end it. I think I should call instead of text, as a text finishing things would infuriate things. So maybe a phone call or to meet in public? I don't know whether to mention the forceful sex as a factor or just the pushiness and emotional blackmail.

Just don't want him finding out that I'm moving yet.

I'm pretty sad that's it's come to this. But safety first I guess. And yes I am see him getting more obsessive if I just disappear first. I can't believe how gutless I've been but something about him doesn't sit right with me. I have feelings for him too so this is very confusing, never experienced anything like this before!!!

I think you're being too hard on yourself, blaming yourself for the situation. But the worst thing you've done is believe him when he apologized. Everything else is down to the fact that you were beginning to feel unnerved and now down right wary and scared of him; that's why you've behaved the way you have. But I think it's come to the point where you need to no longer spend time with him, as he sounds like he's escalating his behavior. Not good.

If you feel you must phone him, do it with someone with you (who is trustworthy to keep quiet while you are on the phone) but who will help you keep on track. Don't agree to meet to talk it over. Don't let it turn into a lengthy conversation or justify why you're ending things.

Don't for one minute think that moving house is going to get rid of him. You're not even going that far, if I understand correctly that one child's school will change.

He stalked you. That's how he ended up miraculously appearing at a taxi rank when you were on your own.

He's a dangerous man who has stalked you, turned up at your home, and raped you.

You need to end it NOW. Not when you move. But speak to the police or Women's Aid first about safety when you end it.

It's a good idea to have your ex stay over for a while. But please - less of this passively accepting that your ex is going to have a go at you over it! You're the victim here.

The fact that you have a name for what you're doing, and have created all these plans and lies, makes me rather unsympathetic towards you. If you enjoy the drama that's one thing, but taking innocent people along this ride with you is poor behaviour.

I wouldn't meet up to end it...its a fwb gone wrong.
He seems likely to want reasons and try charm his way back in person
Rip off the plaster and busy yourself with the move

From what you've said it sounds like you've been nothing but straightforward with him each time, he has agreed and then ignored and pushed for what he wants.

Please don't feel the need to downplay the issues and your very valid reasoning for cooling off when you tell him.

It sounds like you feel you're to blame - and you're not. Continue to be straightforward.

The 'it's not you it's me' tactic will just be a handle for him to grab onto too.

Thank you all. I know there's still some diverse opinions but I really appreciate everyone's replies - it's really helping me to make more sense of the situation.

I'm now starting to think that I should clue my ex up and then end it with the new guy once and for all. Yes he may kick off and attempt to come to my house (in which case, I WILL involve the police). But actually perhaps it's better that this takes place before I move. It's my new address I don't want him getting hold of. I won't even hint that I'm moving yet. I will end it, deal with the fall out and then go.

Ex will be angry with me for potentially (yet again) exposing him and our kids to someone as volatile as this. I can't say I blame him for that. They've never met the new guy and in fact he's never actually been inside my house (I've always stayed at his). He only found out my address when he asked to see my drivers licence photo "for a laugh" (I was showing it as ID at the time) and then said "Ha! I know where you live now - really close to me!" I could've kicked myself but I never thought he'd actually end up going round there!!! However, as far as I know he's not been near my house since April/May. (I think I ended things with him the first time late April and after stewing on it and a few shitty messages for about a week, he stormed round here early May). From what I remember!

I have started to wonder now if running into him at that taxi rank was not just a coincidence though.

Ex will be onside though. I'm dreading telling him how stupid I've been. But he deserves honesty in case it affects him in the future. New guy may not kick off - I may have got this all wrong. But I just have the worst feeling about this and I can't explain why. I'm never dishonest like I have been here. But when I tried to end things before it went so wrong it's made me afraid to even slightly disagree with him. That's why I know it can't go any further...

I'm getting the impression that you're planning to tell him at some point you're going to move, but don't want him to know yet. Why do you ever need to tell him?

I really think that continuing to meet up/sleep with him for another 4-5 weeks is a very bad idea. Anything could happen in that time!

Text him, today, saying it’s no longer working for you and it’s over. Don’t respond to further messages and block. Tell your ex what’s going on and if he turns up at your house call the police.

Seriously, dragging this out for another 4-5 weeks is crazy.

No I never want him to know! But I'm scared that if I end it now, then he will somehow keep tabs on me between now and the move in 4-5 weeks and find out anyway. But if I pretend all's well and then move without telling him and end it from afar then he might well make it his mission to find out where I've gone anyway. Hopefully neither of those things will happen but I can imagine there'll be at least some sort of fall out, knowing what he's like.

I think the bottom line is, that he just wants his own way, regardless of anyone else's wants or needs. I was happy enough to talk about potential plans for the future, such as going on holiday together, and getting closer in the future. But then he started pushing for time limits on things and for sooner rather than later! Whereas I just wanted to take the first year to get to know each other properly, have fun and hang out before settling down into the serious stuff, he was all like; "when can we start seeing each other more than once a week?" So I'd be stumped enough to say "um, how about in the new year after I've moved (he thinks I'm planning to move after Xmas still) and got into a less busy routine?" and "when are you going to introduce me to your kids/parents?" And I'd say I wasn't sure so he'd say "how about just before Xmas?" Whereas I'd say I'd prefer in the summer holidays after they've finished school for the year - didn't want to rush it with the kids. He was never happy with my answers, always in a big rush. He's actually text me 5 mins ago asking what day this weekend he'll get to see me. I haven't text back yet but I guess I'll say Sunday evening and then speak to my ex tomorrow or Saturday and then actually use Sunday to finish with him.

You don't want to see him Sunday so don't text that you will. You don't have to reply at all for now I know you are wary of his reaction to splitting with him but its better to not pretend. You can even imply you are busy at weekend until you are ready to send the its over message.
I wouldn't give him any further mixed messages.

future having had a relationship with a similar kind of guy and with the addictive sex too I just wanted to give you some advice as what I did worked...

1. Don't meet up with him again.
2. Write him an email instead and say from the ourset that you won't be meeting him again and made a mistake suggesting Sunday.
3. State calmly but firmly that you've realised you want to stop seeing him because you don't love him or want to continue as FWB. That it isn't right to continue either for your own sake or his, that it isn't what you want and wouldn't be respectful to him (it helps with controlling men that you let them go away feeling respected, the main thing is that you break off effectively not that his aggressiveness be pointed out as unacceptable, cue pointless arguments)
4. Say that you trust him to respect your decision and no longer contact you.
5. Wish him well but don't sign off with kisses or leaving any openings for contact in future. It has to be a proper goodbye not a "maybe we'll be friends in future" thing.

Time to be brave op. You don't need your ex for this, though it's great he's there. You czn do it, just be straight with him.

Oh and don't tell him your moving. If he gets angry about it one day that's his affair and if you don't give him your address he wont be able to do anything about it anyway.
If he does somehow get hold of it and turns up call the police.

Addictive relationships can be very harw to resist but you need to protect yourself, kids and x. Do the right thing and stop it now. Apologise if you think he'll react well to that but just end it.
My tuppence worth. Good luck

I think going from 60 to zero will get him to over react hugely.

So. Take 5-6 hours to get back to a text. Reply in one word answers. If he tries to talk to you, text you can't talk now, really busy, etc.

He will get more desperate. Pester you.

Use that as "evidence" that he's way too intense way too fast. That you have this a second chance but you're back to the intensity again. It's not working for you. He needs someone who will feel as passionately as he does. While you enjoy the physical side, emotionally the two of you are just not a match. You will forever be a cold fish to his intensity. Blah blah blah.

Why can't you just end it with him. Say something's going on with one of the kids at school and it's going to take s lot of your time for the next few months.

You dont need to tell him what's going on. Just that you won't have time for him and feel it's best to end on a good note.

Then ... you move to your new place and block him.

I haven't strung him along intentionally at all. I was actually really into him and wanted many of the same things, just a little further into the future than he does. I have kids so would like to be sensible and take things a lot slower than he is suggesting. He's in such a hurry and he's not listening to my concerns which is putting me off him. I completely understand that he wants things on a faster timeline than I do and if that makes us incompatible then it's a real shame. I did end things before as he was getting upset so often about me not having as much spare time to meet up as he had. I felt guilty that I wasn't as available at that point so I tried to put us both out of our misery. (He had suggested ending it 3 or 4 times already and then recanted so I bit the bullet). He then, completely out of blue, decided it was because I had been "using him to cheat on my ex" all along. And then after a week or so of him sending me horrible text messages he threatened to go and confront my ex and tell him the truth whilst I was at work one day. I kept telling him there was no cheating and to please leave my ex alone but he still approached my house and did it anyway, at a time when my children were still awake and could have heard/been dragged into all sorts. That's what I got for ending a situation with a man I actually wanted to be with but couldn't make happy.

And so I stupidly forgave him as I felt he was genuinely sorry and had made a silly mistake based on my bad logistics/timing. And when we started seeing each other again I asked him if he was sure he could cope with slowing things down a touch and waiting until the new year before making too many serious plans. At first he seemed perfectly happy with that but sure enough he is escalating his dominance again and I'm feeling uneasy. And less sure about telling him how I really feel as there's an air of nastiness starting to crop up if he starts feeling insecure.
So no, I haven't led him on all year. I certainly have been the last month sort of nodding and agreeing with what he's saying and I'm ashamed of that, yes. But this is a guy I was falling for quite heavily and have come to the very sad realisation that he's not quite right in the head - there's no compromise with him so neither of us can have the outcome we want. I just feel he needs careful handling which is why I haven't rushed into finishing it yet and fibbed and fumbled my way through this. I'm not happy with my behaviour at all but I certainly haven't led him on for a year!

Thank you everyone.

Lurking I really think your respectful email idea might be the way to go, thank you. I was going to at least call him but perhaps it's best to keep a paper trail for stuff like this.

I won't put all the blame on him but I won't lay it all on myself either, I'll just say I think we're too incompatible to go further forward, with him being more inclined to want solid plans made down to each minute and me being slower moving and unable to pin down as many definitely as he would like due to the nature of my life. And hope for the best. 🤞🏻

Ex is here tomorrow evening and for the whole weekend so I will have to tell him the truth then once the kids are in bed. Will send new guy the email tomorrow as well. Email it is. I think.

You have led him on. You've told him you love him and nodded along and agreed to future plans he's making for you both. Also, why are you involving your ex so much in this?

For a month, maybe not even that. Definitely not a year! I really only started feeling wary again a few weeks ago and last weekend sort of clinched it for me. I did originally want the same things as this man, but not to rush into them. Now I'm fairly sure that he is just not going to respect my boundaries whatsoever, I have to end it again. It's shit but the only sensible thing I can think of. I've been nodding along to but myself time as I felt too nervous to speak up. But I've got to bite the bucket again.

I'm not involving my ex at all. Just letting him know in case he gets another knock at the door from this guy! I've let him and my kids down by getting involved again with someone who I'm not convince has really changed after all and is not in a secure enough state of mind to deal with this relationship.

I could have handled this better, no doubt about it. But if you met him you'd see what I meant...

*bullet not bucket! Hope that's not ominous! 🙈